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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey there! Plume here, with a review!
Ohhh alliyah this is such a wonderful poem. It felt so free and joyous, and was a perfect afternoon read for me. The theme of trying to regain a sense of childhood excitement and imagination is so universal; in a way, it reminded me of how I used to know how to cartwheel when I was a kid, but now that I'm taller and heavier, it feels so much scarier. Something about the loss of these simple, whimsical pleasures.
You did such a wonderful job of building the anticipation in the poem. Your punctuation and word choice (particularly in the second half) made me feel like I, too, was on a precipice, taking a leap of faith into the glory days of childhood. You captured that simultaneous fear and anxiety followed by exhilaration that I feel like is universal in a lot of childhood experience so so well. I think your uses of hyphens especially added to that breathless, climbing feeling.
I also loved the image of the quilt and its connection to childhood throughout the poem! I also like the implications by making it a quilt-- I feel like traditionally, quilts are passed down through families or made by other family members, which I feel becomes extra meaningful towards the end, when the quilt becomes the wings of the speaker.
Specifics
I really liked the phrase "un-patching." Something about using the noun as the verb in that line feels both silly and sad-- it's a fun moment of echo in the line, too. You did a great job overall in the poem of echoing things --- I liked the return of "stretched" from the third line in "stretched out goodbyes and lost places" later in the poem.
I thought the juxtaposition of "unfurling" and "seams" was interesting-- while closely examined it makes sense, on my first read "unfurling" to me suggested "unraveling," which would have then been at odds with the second part of the line. While I think it's a good word to use, in the grand scheme of the last part, I feel like you focus a lot on the idea of creation, and the presence of a word starting with "un" feels like it stands at odds with that -- I feel like an adjective that does rather than undoes would be better suited there, if that makes sense. This is also quite nitpicky! (Also about this part: I really liked the assonance between "seams" and "sewing machines.")
Overall: wonderful job! I enjoyed reading this poem immensely and I hope to be reading much more of your poetry during NaPo! Until next time!
Thanks for the thoughtful review! Great point about the word choice of unfurling feeling a little at odds with the creation images - will definitely keep that in mind with revisions and am glad the message resonated with you! I love quilting sewing metaphors because just as you brought up they feel so tied to home place family history. Thanks again and can't wait to read more Plume poetry this NaPo too!
Hello, there! Avi here with a review
I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today! (The method you made, so <333)
I'm getting a glorious, broken sense of nostalgia (a love for something lost in time) from this poem, and I absolutely adore it.
So, without further ado, let's dig into reviewing!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
The message I got from this poem is splendid and nostalgic. It quite honestly reminds me of Disney's Peter Pan. It's giving "I don't want to grow up" coming from an adult who is tired of the world and still feels the child in them constantly. (Sorry if that's psychoanalyzing *insert prayer hands here*)
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
"entirely unsightly in the way it's been over-stretched over arms" The word "over" feels overused (forgive the cackling pun witch in me, please). I would only suggest switching out "over-stretched" for "stretched too far" or something of the like.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I adore the nostalgia of this piece (obviously). I also loved the allusion to most kids' quilt/blanket-turned-superhero cape and the (again) Peter Pan-esque "you can fly" leap of faith. Teetering on the edge with a worn quilt-turned-cape 'round your shoulders, dreaming to fly. Beautiful. My favorite lines were
"i mend memories like unfurling seams, letting fingers become sewing machines,
weaving newborn feathers out of skin, hollowing out fear like bird-bones,
telling myself that soon my quilt will become wings if only i believe."
Did they make me cry and tilt my head to the sky in utter awe of your poetic abilities? Yes, they did, and that's something you as a poet should be proud of. (Also, "letting fingers become sewing machines" made me soundlessly squeal at how good it is, splendid writing there.)
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
This is an incredible piece and I look forward to reading more of your poetry
Awe thank you very much!
I also love that you used the s'more method so thank you!The Peter Pan reference is a great comparison, and def matches the vibe that I was going for!One thing that was a little sneaky / was I wanted the "your" (from the title) and the mysterious "voice" to be ambiguous on whether it was a parent, voice of reason, or the inner voice of the speaker. :] I kinda liked the forced repetition of "over" but, yes I think stylistically I gotta format that somehow differently - maybe as "over-stretched, over-arms" to make it clear it's intentional. Like "Up Up Up and Away" it's.... "over-over-over" like the words are stretching themselves. :]
Thank you again for the thoughtful comments, glad you enjoyed the poem!
Ooh, that's a cool perspective! I didn't think about that before
Thank you, it's a wonderful poem!