The sky was a dull buzz, reds and greens dancing about in a polluted romance. Before this mound of smog stood a machine of disorder, a monstrous guardian who had gifted the populace with its broken sky. Like so many times before this robot, you, a machine die. One last drink of oil to coat your plates, one final moment of peace marred only by your companion, a human girl, the girl who stopped you on your rampage.
She was a tiny war torn creature, born of your battles with her, she gazing among the wretched filth for a means of killing you again. This had been a game the robot had been playing with the small human girl. Each day, the crispest moment she would appear, her hair that bright red, a new toy in hand. A new weapon already stained by the smog, and a focused glare on her face ready to take on her hated enemy.
You were SK-42, a war machine, named Sentinel from a line of thousands of robots, the last of an era, built by the sentient beast who had turned on their human masters. With rockets you tore through their defenses, with guns you crippled their bodies; with your poisons destroyed their sky.
In the end of that battle your creators were dead, an army of sentinels, reduced to one, the humans were simply to powerful, there were far too many, to destroy just one city an army is needed, and humans had grown so much that every place was a city, and you and your brothers numbered only in the thousands.
Enraged, as the last sentinels you attacked, planning to die like all the others, charging across the war torn landscape faster than any living creature could hope with your metal frame. But just as the last of that harsh city came into view…this… girl appears, scruffy and small, young enough to have never experienced the world much past her home but those eyes. You stopped when this red headed little creature got in the way, a gun, a rocket, poison so many ways to kill this little creature, but in the end you died thanks to a toy in her little hands, never having used one.
That war was lost, and the battles that raged since against that tiny creature, that girl has gone on for years. Once more she stares, waiting for you to finish your rest, preparing for her part in this violent cycle that she started to stop you forever. With a final gulp you let off a hum from engines hidden within, oil slushes down your carbon steel plates, out the vents and down the joints.
“Ready?” She ask, far older then when you first met her on that fateful day, her harsh eyes staring back into your lens in the same way, ready for the fight to come, revving your engine ever so slightly; oil sloshing about within your core, prepared to die again to protect your polluted romance.
(based on this image as was the challenge)
Edited: 15 times
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Awesome picture-is it your own?
A few words on the writing style-I can find no flaw anywhere in this piece, which is surprising. I like particularly the way you began and ended with "polluted romance", which is a very powerful phrase.
A word on second person-Why does nobody write like this?!? Until I read this piece my own work were the only stories I had read on YWS in second person! I don't write in anything else! Whatever you do, don't let people criticize this piece for being in second person.
Avaunt,
Take That You Fiend!
Drat, that should have been a review.
Nope, was part of a challenge I was given that picture to base a story off of.
Yay it only took 15 re-tries!
It's rare because of of how hard it is to do outside of a short plot summery, or a multi-branch story where people are already in the right mindset.
Thank you!
Reminded me of Bioshock!
I like how you began this short story -- it's very interesting and it grabs the reader's attention immediately. I also particularly enjoyed the use of second person. It's a novelty, but novelties can quickly grow old. In this story, though, I think it was effectively used.
I also particularly like the story itself. It's kind of a platonic love story, and the robot dynamic of that love story lends it a freshness that it would not have otherwise. The descriptions are also well done -- especially lines like "oil slushes down your carbon steel plates" and "oil slushing about within you core." Really superb.
If you do continue editing this, one thing I'd change is the constant use of the word "polluted." Try to find synonyms for it, or just exclude it all together. After you initially describe the grittiness of the world around the girl and the robot, it's probably not necessary to keep repeating it.
I'd also get rid of "SK-42." Just shorten it to "You were a war machine, named Sentinel,...". Giving the model number makes it sound less imposing. Getting rid of the model number makes it seem more ominous.
In any case, I really enjoyed this. Thank you.
Hm, polluted romance was repeated for emphasis, as par the title of the story, I figured 3 times would be balanced, but if the point is missed then it may be best to remove it.
Hmmm, I agree actually.
Also, I am going to review everyone who reviewed me, so anything you specifically would like a massively detailed review of? (yes this question is copy/paste, I happen to be rushing through to mention it to everyone who I hadn't.)
Interesting. I've never read anything in second person. To be honest, I didn't even know there was such thing as a second person point of view.
All in all, very good. I didn't really understand what the character was. Either a person, a vehicle, or a person in a vehicle of some sort. It seemed to lack a little description in that prospect. However, I loved the ending. It was unexpected and therefore, quite enjoyable.
As for mistakes in the writing, I didn't really find any grammatical errors (besides one mix up between to and too), but I did find one run-on sentence:
In the end of that battle the creators were dead, an army of sentinels, reduced to one, the humans were simply to powerful, there were far too many, to destroy just one city an army is needed, and humans had grown so much that every place was a city, and you and your brothers numbered in the thousands.
It might help to, when breaking it up, put a peried after "reduced to one." Also, a comma after "there were far too many" is not needed, and you may want to include the word and after "the humans were simply to(o) powerful." After city, probably a period.
Thanks for sharing! It was very enjoyable to read something new and a little different.
Thanks again!
Pointing something out about your review. That was a comma splice, not a fused sentence. We went over that in English class today, so that's why I noticed;)
hm, its really frustrating me, how can I make it any clearer, I say exactly who they are over a dozen times, make references to their distinct appearances, I really have no idea what I am expected to do to make it any clearer, please anyone tell me what is confusing you.
I understood by the end of the peice that he was a robot, but I just read it over again, and I must have missed the part where you said she was a girl. Please understand that I'm not saying that it was awful or anything, simply giving constructive criticism.
no, I don't mean that. I understand that but when half the readers mix up the characters, it's a sign there is something I need to look into a bit harder, thus the frustration, plenty are mentioning but no hints at what is confusing them.
Also, I am going to review everyone who reviewed me, so anything you specifically would like a massively detailed review of? (yes this question is copy/paste, I happen to be rushing through to mention it to everyone who I hadn't.)
Wow. Very different from anything I've ever read before. I'll admit, it took me about half the peice to realize 'you' was actually a robot/machine. It was very good, although at times confusing. For instance, was the redhead a girl? You describe it as a she, but always say she's a creature. That made me wonder. The beginning was really able to pull me in, and the last part was very final. Your descriptions need minimal work. I love that you actually split it up into paragraphs, since some people have no or very little of that. Great job and keep writing!!
Lady Celestia, the Glorious Knight
The Sentinal is a robot and the red headed girl is a human, however from the perspective of a robot, it is simply a creature, I tried very hard to point this out, not sure where I went wrong. Hm, thank you.
Honestly I ask of you or anyone else explain it to me, I literally called him a robot repeatedly from the start to finish, call him the sentinel repeatedly, and that he has been fighting a little redheaded girl over a dozen times. I am not sure how to make it any clearer.
Also, I am going to review everyone who reviewed me, so anything you specifically would like a massively detailed review of? (yes this question is copy/paste, I happen to be rushing through to mention it to everyone who I hadn't.)
One word... unique.
This piece really did fascinate and it kept me reading, and reading until I got to the end and I was really indulged into it all. I liked it a lot and found it very interesting.
I also liked the use of narration through out it describing us as being a robot/sentinel.
In some ways it was a bit cryptic and although yes I did find it interesting it was a bit confusing at times but I guess this is just your method of writing, to keep the reader thinking about you very unique and sort of cryptic in a good way writing method.
In the end though a good piece, and not too long which is good as mysterious things like this make the reader bored if they drag but if you did write more if you then give off a better and easier explanation then it would work so the more you write, the more explanation is need basically. I'll look froward to seeing what you will try next.
YAY
Also, I am going to review everyone who reviewed me, so anything you specifically would like a massively detailed review of? (yes this question is copy/paste, I happen to be rushing through to mention it to everyone who I hadn't.)
yeah if you get the chance I'd appreciate if you review any one of my chapters of the story I'm doing, many thanks