[You know those group songs where you have some guy strumming a guitar and the rest singing along to the one guy who actually knows the song? Those simple tunes that seem happy and all? Yeah its sung like that.]
Risin' in the evenin'
Singin' with the mark
If that's what it takes, than we'll let the world burn
We're gunna' dance with the pigs
While we party all the night
Fire round the camp,
Than will we'll start a hard line
When their justice is served
What will be left for me to fill?
Six feet in the ground seems a tad shallow a reel
We mark up our heads, stain out of feet
Best to look pretty when their hounds come to eat
My doctor is ready, sharp as a can be, need to mark them ready
Too big for the shoot
Marsh round the fire
Either way it's a victory for me
summer time, its all the same to see
When it all comes around,
when the sun comes alive
Nap times commin' so we better get done
[Repeat once from line one, skip "We mark up our heads, stain out of feet
Best to look pretty when their hounds come to eat" on second sing through. Than continue.]
If that's what it takes, than we'll let the world burn [x3]
[End]
(I wonder what people think this song is talking about or if I made it too obscure.)
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I like this. With all of it's inconsistency, it is still clever and fun to read. I did have to read it a few times just to get a general grasp on the meaning or least what it means for me, Something people don't realize is that every person interprets writing all differently. Anyhow back on topic, with a little work this could be something big:)
Happy writing
-Rebels Scream Silently-
I like this. With all of it's inconsistency, it is still clever and fun to read. I did have to read it a few times just to get a general grasp on the meaning or least what it means for me, Something people don't realize is that every person interprets writing all differently. Anyhow back on topic, with a little work this could be something big:)
Happy writing
-Rebels Scream Silently-
Hey, Zolen!
I noticed your note at the end. I have to admit that I don't have any real ideas what this song is about, but I do know it's about two sets of people that are kind of fighting against each other. The one thought I had, based on "we mark up our heads, stain out of feet" was maybe something to do with Ash Wednesday, the crucifixion -- those are the only thoughts that came to mind.
I liked the image of the hounds. Maybe because it was almost the ONLY concrete image in the poem that gave me something I could understand in a small bite. Hounds coming to eat. I understand that, among a lot of other vague lines.
So, what do you think that I can't understand? What does that make you want to do with the piece? Give a few more hints? Think that I just don't know enough references? I would suggest maybe trying to go in the opposite direction. Write a companion poem (don't throw away this one!) that basically does nothing but EXPLICITLY state the topic in as many ways as is possible. See what powerful images or words come from that poem and how you might combine the poems to one that is a little more understandable.
What, by the way, would be the problem with lettin' the people know what the song's about? Did you just want it to be kind of tongue-in-cheek so some people can sing it without knowing about it, but others know the true meaning and sing it with a different feeling?
Okay, enough about the vagueness, I'll work with what you have here.
There are some places where you're shaky with the rhyme that would make it hard for a sing-along, I feel. Examples: the first stanza where mark doesn't rhyme with burn. Another, where shoot doesn't rhyme with ready, and of course the last stanza, but that's a bit more forgivable, because when we work to the end of the song, we're a little more relaxed about letting the form go.
Did you mean marsh, like a swamp around the fire, or did you mean march?
I would appreciate more gesture-based images like the marking up our heads line, or dancing with the pigs. This gives a nice general sense of image without necessarily being about a topic, and that kind of image would work well if you're trying to keep it a secret.
I hope some of these thoughts and suggestions will turn out to be helpful to you!
PM me or reply to my review if you have any questions~
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
Hello,
I happen to be a pretty big fan of the sing along songs so I know what you're talking about with those, and to be honest, they aren't really that happy. Look at the lyrics of "You are my sunshine" and it's about a depressed guy who has been cheated on or broken up with.
The thing is, what you have here doesn't really seem to be that so much as a repetitive song. First off most of the time they have a refrain that gets sung every stanza, or they do call back, where they repeat whatever it is the person sang, or part of it.
That being said, let's move on to the specifics.
This has a completely different beat and flow from the original stanza. That makes the rhythm inconsistent and hard to follow. Really if every few lines are the same repetitive pattern, it's going to make it easy to follow, but this just seems to be a jumble of patterns. Also, you're not really being clear. "The" before "Night" really makes me think dance the night away, because it's a specific night, not just all night, but THE night. Is it like, the night your woman left you? The night your family died?
Beyond that "Than" is actually like more than, less than. Then is this then that.
And moving on from there, what even is "a hard line"? I feel like this is just trying to be cryptic here to be cryptic, or maybe I'm not "down with the lingo" but it's better to use lingo that everyone is down with.
So "When their justice is served" well, we don't know who they are, or what they deserve justice for doing, or if justice means they get an award, or go to prison. Justice being served cannot only be a correlation with bad things, so please try to be a bit clearer, and again, we're missing a constant flow.
Overall I feel like you could improve this with a consistent flow and beat through the lyrics. Also work on creating a refrain that's smaller than the entire song. Really consider what you're going to do to make the beat consistent. Count out the stressed and unstressed syllables to see if there is some way you can make a pattern more consistent to the reader. If it is consistent when you sing it to yourself, perhaps consider recording it so WE can hear it too.
I hope this helps. If you have any questions feel free to find me ^^
-Aley