I wish to share a dream, one that started in a very traditional way...
Once upon a time there was a massive tower with no windows, save one at it's very top. Around this tower wrapped a network of farmland, all of this towns people who believed themselves protected by the great tower and never questioned it.
Nobody ever entered the tower and nobody left. It was simply the way it had always been.
But one day a orphaned boy decided to risk it's depths, only to find it's first floor empty and unguarded. After many week using the place as shelter he found a torch and decided to climb the tower.
Each level was just as empty as the last, simple rooms of stone with nothing in them. After traveling half the tower's height he was forced to turn back or risk fumbling in the dark. Each day he tried once again, taking more and more torches with him, rushing faster and faster, yet at this middle point they all started dying, he was always on his last torch and forced to turn around.
After three months of this his memory of those steps was great enough that he decided to brave the entire tower without light, confident that he could make it. So he did, on the second floor of that empty tower he came across his first mystery, somehow he could just faintly see, despite the absolute darkness, within that room was a simple table, nothing on it, nothing around it. As if the room was dedicated to it.
On the third floor he saw a stone chair, the room slightly easier to see in, and he could just pick out the soft white fabric laid across seat. Afraid that he was seeing things, and determined to reach the top he went on. each level dedicated to another piece of furniture, each one ever so slightly more detailed as if keeping pace with his eyes as they grew more accustom to absolute darkness.
As he reached the midway point he noticed those rooms dedicated to single furniture were replaced with a fully furnished one. All those little details adding up into a high class and refined room. Softly lit as if by a covered window. But what really caught his eye was a shadow sitting at that stone chair he had seen so far below, he could just vaguely make out the shape of a woman.
While anyone else might run away, rub their eyes, or scream, or at least ask who she was. He asked, "Why do you look so sad?"
As if in reply the shadow woman disappeared. Determined the boy once again started to scale the tower, on each level he could make out the woman a little bit more and see more and more of just how sad she seemed to be. As if obsessed with finding a answer he kept asking, "Why do you look so sad?" Each time, as if afraid to reply she disappeared. Until finally there were no steps left and he could see a open window, out it he could see the slow setting sun. A sun he felt like he had not seen for a life time.
On this final floor he could truly see the shadow woman. Skin dark like carved ebony dressed in simple rags, yet on her they seemed like they were sown by royalty, a face that reminded him of all those paintings he saw long ago when his parents were alive, a timeless being. Like all those times before he asked, "Why do you look so sad?" She glanced back as him, like she had expected him all along. "How long have you been staring sadly out at the world?"
The timeless woman smiled as him, speaking softly, "I have a wish, something I could never hope to do alone. If it could be granted I shall stop being sad."
"What is it?"
The woman stared silently for a time, by the time she replied the sun had already set and the stars were visible. But still the boy stood there, waiting, unsure why he was so interested in this woman's happiness. "Are you sure?"
"What?" He asked, confused.
"What I wish for is something I can only share with someone who will agree." She said. "Are you sure you want to know? If you break your word, would have to throw you out this window"
"I..." The boy stopped himself, scared, looking down, thinking of all those lonely rooms, of the darkness and how he could only see what was truly there without the light. How dark and strange might this woman's wish be that he would die if he refuses?
After several minutes he looked up, seeing the woman once again looking out that solitary window, sad, lonely. "I do." The boy said.
"Do you promise?" She asked.
He nodded vigorously.
The woman looked over with a soft smile and waved him over. After he came she softly laid a hand on his head, ruffling the boy's already messy hair. "Then I will tell you, my wish is..."
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,747 Reviews
Hey there!
First off, I'd like to say that I'm frustrated the woman never revealed what her wish was, and the fact that I'm frustrated goes to show that your story was pretty engaging. I have some theories as to what it might be, but I suppose ultimately it should be left to the interpretation of each reader.
Like I said, the story was engaging. By avoiding lengthy descriptions and simply telling the story for what it is you're inviting the reader to suspend their disbelief and follow the story. Throughout the story a lot of suspense and mystery was set up, and I suppose that's what made the final non-reveal so frustrating. Kudos to you for that.
Writing-wise I thought this was pretty good. No serious errors, though I did spot some little mistakes in punctuation and grammar here and there.
All in all, pretty well-written. Keep up the good work.
Hello there!
First of all, you have an intriguing plot. I sensed that you were going for a dark nonchalant tone throughout the story.
What I think you need to work on is giving more boost and depth to separate it from the common dark stories I have read so far. The plot has potential and I appreciate the simplicity of storytelling, however, that gives off an unsatisfying impression. If you want to hook your reader's attention until the end, then I suggest to spice it up. Show more what the character felt, explain his restless obsession of climbing the tower with specific details, emotions and imagery. Like how did the main character recognize the facial expression of the woman, how did he know she was sad at first? I'm not saying to info-dump everything, just enough to build a bridge between the story and the readers. Turn on the windshield wiper so your audience could get a clearer vision of what you're trying to portray, of both the characters and the atmosphere.
Grammar wise, I noticed some rough areas you need to work on like punctuations especially on speech tags and some awkward sentences. I would suggest checking out some helpful threads here under Knowledge Base.
As what I said earlier, it has a potential. Although the ending left me hanging but it kind of worked as an invitation for a next chapter I suppose.
This is like my first review after millions of decades, in fact since the last Ice Age. So I apologize in advance if this review seemed a bit vague, but I hope it was at least helpful.
If you have any questions, let me know. Peace out.
Thanks for your thoughts, for my next practice short story I will take them into account.
P.S Stories don't begin on the first page, nor end on the last. I left it open for the reader to imagine for themselves.
This story was extremely interesting! After reading your title and first paragraph, I was immediately hooked into the story. However, there were two problems that I encountered while reading this...
First, some of your sentences are "weirdly worded". For example, "Once upon a time there was a massive tower with no windows, save one at it's very top." The "save one at it's very top" sounded very strange. If you reworded it, it would probably sound better. If I were you, I would add a conjunction to it, like "...but saved one at the very top." Anyway, there are other sentences in the story that are either worded weirdly or have grammar problems. I would suggest you re-read it and try to reword some of the sentences.
Second, I think that some parts of the story lacked description. I couldn't really "see" what was happening in the story, if you know what I mean. How dark was the tower? Was it damp?
Also, you should try "showing" instead of simply telling. For example, in the beginning of the story, you stated that the tower was "massive". Instead of simply stating that it was "massive," try adding more adjectives to it. For example, you could write that, "it's top was barely visible, the only window being slightly covered by the clouds". That would give the reader a feeling that the tower was colossal.
Besides those two, your story was really great! I really liked the plot, but was a bit disappointed that I didn't get to find out what the woman's wish was. However, that was a really great part to the story, because it opens the readers' imaginations to what the ending would be.
Great job, and keep writing!
~Trish
Hm, how I talk is admittedly kind of weird, that sentence you showed as a example sounds quite natural to me. Beyond that thank you, I shall keep your thoughts in mind for my next practice short story.
As I said to the other reviewer, Stories don't begin on the first page, nor end on the last. I left it open for the reader to imagine for themselves. I like to leave short stories with a open ending, let the reader finish them.