significant rimming spent with mold
black doom with messages from angels and fiends
choked on fizz and brand name thoughts
so many texts with so little juice
it tastes like superstar champagne
shattering flashes of manufactured reels and heels
the only stop is the red of carpet that goes
leading to a playground coated in lipstick and bow ties
but cherished in a religion of glamor
factories of beauty which are dulled by diamonds
the closest to real jewels is bejeweled
compliments barely give a signal
a weak charge keeps away any calls for hay
rows are followed by faeries and idols
mystifying the gossip catered by apps
even seats are furnished with careful egos
spinning thoughts of fabric touched by gods
a winner presents a winner wrapped in plastic
but is hardly heard through all the plastic
a pixy floats by the microphone
twisting daggers into surgical praise
praise that lobotomizes a mind away
keeping the self on vibrate and forever silent
as four star restaurants crash all the evenings
organic food that tastes like graffiti and adds
sustaining chefs with a mastery of porcelain blight
accenting the waiters who are friendly and a foe
drowned by a lady with strawberry desserts
hours of death since the last clap
disconnected from books and faces
instant deeds poached by feinting models
the screen no longer shows interest
a dog with a life spent by those of the dead
it hobbles home in an empty collar and leash
a world stuffed with requests by strangers
a world dominated by glittering numbers
a world that dies between pockets and purses
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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128,392 Literary Works • 671,489 Reviews
Hi! I'm going to review your wonderful poem.
First off, I have to say you write extremely well and the poem flows smoothly from idea to idea. I also really liked the premise of this poem and the point you are trying to make about celebrities and their connection or similarity with technology.
Second, I loved the certain phrases more than others. For instance, the second line: "black doom with messages from angels and fiends." Although, for this particular line, the more common phrase would be "angels and demons" and even though I feel that coupling would be better, I like your originality since it makes the "demons" more human and "fiends" makes it sound just slightly more hostile.
Something I didn't quite catch was line 4 where it says "so many texts with so little juice" and I understand the juice part relates to battery life, which is the main point of the poem, but I feel like you could make a stronger connection and work on clarity there.
I thoroughly enjoyed lines 5-10 because the imagery there is strong and the juxtaposition between the descriptions is done well.
However, there are some parts where you are making a point like "the closest to real jewels is bejeweled compliments", which are lines 11 and 12, but then it seems like you forgot you've just made a point and think the end of that point is the beginning of another, for instance "bejeweled compliments barely give a signal." The whole phrase would then be "the closest to real jewels is bejeweled compliments barely give a signal." Do you see? If it's difficult to understand, please message me so I can explain better.
I absolutely ADORED these lines "a pixy floats by the microphone twisting daggers into surgical praise praise that lobotomizes a mind away keeping the self on vibrate and forever silent." I actually feel like this is the heart of the poem, where the most meaning can be found. The wording sounds precise and chosen carefully and the lines really capture the essence of your point.
Overall, I greatly enjoyed this poem. Your originality really shined through and, with the exception of a few lined that need clarity, it is extremely well written.
Good luck and keep writing,
Dianne.
Hey Alex!
So I'm not very good at reviewing poetry, but I liked this piece overall. The imagery was quite strong and used to great effect to convey an overall theme of decadence. In some ways, this is almost a cell-phone's version of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock -- coming and going, and surrounded by activity, but ultimately alone.
I like how the poem begins, although I'm not sure about the word choice of the second word from the first line! But, I really like the quick flashes of imagery, painting a picture of extravagance and hedonism.
But while the poem begins well, the middle never quite rises to the same standard. The descriptions go from subtle to direct, and the poem at times seems to get lost within itself. For example, this to me was the weakest section:
Early on in the poem, you establish a relatively indifferent tone. Yes it's betraying a sense of decadence and hedonism, but it's done in an almost matter of fact sort of way. Here though, the tone switches to one of cynicism ("a winner presents a winner," "praise that lobotomizes"), which I don't think matches the rest of the piece. Structurally, the second line from the excerpt is purely repetitive, and the last line is far too direct.
The poem ends on a good note though. You return to the quick flashes of imagery, and it serves really well. Juxtaposing the luxury against the analogy of the cellphone as a dog of the dead is great, and I love your last line in particular.
Thanks so much Nate!! Long time no write. Hope all's well; I'm always appreciative of your work with the site. Thanks.
Wow, it's a rather pleasant feeling that you were able to understand the end of the poem. I thought it was concluding in a rather chaotic fashion that might not portray enough of my themes. Looks like I need to clean up the middle though; thanks for your insights there. See you around captain! XD
Hey, I really like this! All of your metaphors are very vibrant and visceral, and I think it truly adds to what you're saying in this poem, about the glamour of life. Only a couple small things that I had trouble with.
"factories of beauty which are dulled by diamonds
the closest to real jewels is bejeweled
compliments barely give a signal
a weak charge keeps away any calls for hay"
At this point, I feel like the lines got a little bit murky, and I had trouble understanding what you were trying to say. Maybe make it a bit more well-defined?
"a winner presents a winner wrapped in plastic
but is hardly heard through all the plastic"
I quite like this part, but did you mean "plastic" or "static"? I feel like repeating the same word twice causes a bit of a double-take, when really this poem profits from building and building up until the climax.
Overall, this is a great poem! Thank you so much for publishing.