the princes of peonage there is place where pudit is polished and he lunches with the aced in free it is here yet united states and prussia with all tears packed in attics sir acquiescence fetched in by the papers published by hushers the learned mopes funneled low beneath the terrible northern tribes deer seethers it is an anger fortified that punches away the sane of politics and pummels down the education to dim too dull populated for economists to poke fun of astounding peelings civil astronauts striking out at stars printed on boxers gloves and flags i sulk through magazines and youtubes and suffer a thousand and three cuts by freuds ego i cannot stay for stollen without everyones pedestals in the way ad hoc english rain and russian snow because here in america we are trained for free to hate the cold the freezing pain in the historical foldable presidents forgettable children they are all puppyjacked both given no belts to hold their tongues up infatuated by fire browsers throwup that bubbles up jacks giant vine and pops the tired pot for tea i sip down some persian smiles plutonium plums while discourse on fukushima dreams dried out disasters of no drops collected in dishes for the riches
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Ok,
This is good. You show control of your chosen form, and given that it is a poem of no traditional form that can be hard to achieve. You have chosen a style that is hard, because making sure that your poem flows and make sense is difficult in free form. You have achieved this majority of the time.
There are a few occasions where you do loss the flow a bit, especially I feel at the beginning. I'm not sure why, but it feels as if you weren't sure what exactly you were wanting to say and how you were wanting to say it at the start. There is a signiificant shift in rythm and flow from the first few lines compared to the rest of the poem. Your first two lines make very little sense, I googled what "pudit" is and found out it was czech for actuate. Which I thought was interesting. But, it still doesn't make sense in terms of the poem, so I feel that it is a typo. Also "aced in free" doesn't make much sense either. So, if I were you I would go over these two lines.
The rest of your poem is a lot better, and makes sense. So in my opinion the first 4 lines are the only weakness in it. Contrary to what Tay01 said, you don't need punctuation nor do you need to capitalise the beginning of your sentences. Readers should have the ability, and freedom to figure out when to pause and break and all that stuff that punctuation tells readers to do. Stylistically it is good, and breaking it into stanzas could easily ruin it, so, don't change it. The font however could be changed, just so it's easier to read. But, again, it doesn't need to be.
I really enjoyed this poem and it made me think, which I thank you for. You write well and with conviction, so keep up the great work!
Nargles xx
This is truly a really good poetry. I really admire the creativity and the idea that you got. However, there are a fewby a few I mean MANY
Spoiler
~The letter 't' in the word 'there' should be capitalized.As a start of every sentence, you need to capitalize all first letters of the sentence.
~There is no such word as 'pudit.' Did you mean 'pundit'?
~There is no comma at the end of the poem, making it like a sentence.
~The font makes it hard to read.
Next, there is no separate stanzas. Look here.
You could make it this way:
""there is place where pudit is polished
and he lunches with the aced in free
it is here yet
united states and prussia
with
all tears packed in attics
sir acquiescence
fetched in by
the papers published by hushers""
There. Next step, rhyming with the lines.
Rhyming is the whole point of a poetry. You write a poetry to express something in a rhyme that is easy to read and understand.
After that, rhythm is also the next important step.
Try reading this on a metronome. You will notice that it suddenly doesn't flow right. It is hard to present and say out a poetry if you can't follow a certain rhythm or beat.
The most common rule of English. The word 'i' simply MUST be capitalized.
It should be:
""I sip down""
'youtubes'? Really? Which dictionary are you getting all these words? I simply cannot tell.
Last but not least:
DESCRIPTION! No understanding, no meaning, NO USE! Please tell us a bit more.
That is all. As I said, just read the whole thing, and leave it. Let at lease two more reviews so you will understand more. Thank you and that is it from me here. Tay01 signing out.
~~Tay01
The poem is really a great work. i am not an american so my review is not dealing with any patriotic sentiments, i don't intend to hurt anyone's feelings. i truly expected a certain ray of light in your poem but till the end i found none. may be it would be too comic for your deep work but simply i expected some appreciation as there must be two eyes to have two views of the same look and give a combined outlook- its the basic definition of human sight
"astounding peelings civil astronauts" - i particularly like the alliteration in this line. good work with words
"ad hoc english rain and russian snow "- i think i would like an explanation that how the snow is russian and what do you mean by ad hoc english- i am being too cheesy but r of russian and e of engish should have been capital letters.
the work is really a fine piece and has very little grounds to work on
you are certainly a very talented author, i would like to read more of you so please do inform me-
Rituparna