Gosh there are some gems in here. Glad I read this creative piece.
I'd say for a stream of conscious poem with a meandering structure and topic and even subject the formatting was perfect - it actually felt purposefully mixed up and was nicely broken up to create some unexpected pairings.
Now I could not get any sense of a consistent narrative or meaning from this poem which in my mind is a problem. If you intend the poem to have meaning but want to keep an ambiguous feel - you could bookend the poem with opening and closing stanzas that presented a more continuous narrative so the reader is forced to place the middle part in that narrative. Or you could work with being more consistent in your images and metaphors. Ie. If I bring up stars in stanza 1, I'm going to mention moons in stanza 2 - etc. Creating more parallelism helps imply meaning and creates structure out of even nonsensical material.
Even though I didn't "get" the poem. I still found some of your word pairings and progressions pleasingly creative. Like "gamboling mountainclap" love it! It's sensory and whimsical and makes me thing of thunder storms. So great!
I hope to see more of your poems in this style. Keep writing - I see a lot of potential and skill here.
alliyah
Points: 144400
Reviews: 1227
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