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delightfully Dead

by ZZAP


I am here.
After long days dragging mythoughts
Through the   hair on my spine
                       too spiraled for books 
                    There are plenty of pills colored like autumn

My same smile my one i should 
Splits red and oranges 
        She repletes finally of me
                The disaster of Spring
                the moans of monarchs
I spill
And 
        Sip the tea    that dribbles slipspassed into summer        
breeze
run this time. I use puzzled legs to find
a pace
The seasons three and the one ihate
Elbow by a troubadour
                                Reads perhaps maybe here:
Shino is caught by a late thunderstorm,
And he catches too ill to study more
With all the world stopped by rain and light
He pounces with boredom and delight!
                                                                fins of dale 
                                                                A Nashville meeting
                                                                Funnels and finds me in a                                                          
                                                          whispering beard 
                                                        I recognize none
                                                                                Except for the 
tails of                                                 lavender spun 
into my belt   
I lookremember a crying day
Tucked into a 


             gamboling mountainclap.


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User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 313
Reviews: 10

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Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:15 pm
DariaTheGirlWhoLovesPizza wrote a review...



Hey, here to review! First off, I love and hate the way this was structured or put into “stanzas.” I love it because it’s very unique and I don’t see many poems like this. Plus, it’s always fun to try new things! But I also don’t like it because it’s a little confusing to read, and messes with the meaning of the poem. I’m more focused on which line completes which than the actual contents of the line.

Aside from that, I liked the title you chose. It was very eye catching and drew me in to write this review. That’s a great thing to have in poetry. Some people underestimate the power of a good title. So good job!

But... I do have some critique,
Please note this is not to be offensive, it’s just my personal opinions on how to improve your poetry. (Even tho I’m not very good at writing poems myself Lol)

First off there were so many metaphors in this poem, I think the meaning was lost. It just feels like I’m reading a bunch of images but none of them are really connecting.

Also, idk if this was a stylistic choice. But your lack of punctuation really made this difficult to read. It made it hard to interpret when a line was finished, and messed with the flow a little.

I think you began this poem strongly, but need to work on the middle, and maybe the ending.

If you fixed a few things, you’d have something really solid here. I wish you well in your poems, as always, keep writing!

-Daria




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266 Reviews


Points: 23725
Reviews: 266

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Sat Aug 10, 2019 6:17 pm
fraey wrote a review...



Hi there! I just wanted to stop by and give a quick review on this poem of yours :}

There are quite a lot of things happening here which I may not be able to reflect on, but I will pick out a couple of them to start with, which is the rhyming pattern, the structure, and the overall content.

First, I do recognize that this has almost a slanted rhyming pattern - as some words don't truly hold the same final syllable, but do an alright job at guiding the reader through the poem. In actuality, I myself tend to stay away from rhyming in my poems for the most part since I feel that form restricts the writer from being able to come up with whatever figurative language they want, and instead, resort to synonyms and slightly weird sounds to keep up the pattern. But in some cases, there really aren't rhymes at all, so I'm not sure what the reason is to have chunks of this in rhyme and others not.

For example, [thoughts/spine/books/autumn] consist of the first stanza, which has little relation when it comes to rhyming. While one of the middle stanzas does have rhyming as in [thunderstorm/more/light/delight.] I just want to leave a little food-for-thought as in to analyze whether the rhyming serves a purpose here to enhance the reading experience, or if the rhyming takes away from it actually, as it serves as a distraction when not uniform.

Going from there, this is quite a unique structure - certainly counting as a kind of free-form/all-out style. If the point of this poem comes down to drawing the reader through twists and turns and random directions, then I think this works alright. But, it's not the easiest style to follow, especially since the stanzas aren't quite structures in kind chunks and rather sporadically indented and moved across the page. Having a little more organization, as in, at least not totally linking every stanza together would help make for a more concise reading.

Lastly, the actual content. This seems to me that the narrator has quite a lot of different ideas and often loses themselves amongst this sea of colors and sounds and sights, and it's hard for them to find a way out. There's some interesting use of metaphors and personification, let alone some interesting word choices as well [gamboling/repletes.]

This was certainly an interesting poem! Thanks for sharing.




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14 Reviews


Points: 75
Reviews: 14

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Sat Aug 10, 2019 12:42 pm
Zrillis says...



Hello. I would like to give you my honest review and I hope this is helpful

First of all, I hate the way you structured this. It messes with my mind and I cant focus on reading properly without focus. I know alot of people are ok with this but its not for me at all.

Ok now that the surface level is out of the way.

I am honestly struggling to read this, not counting the structure I cant make much sense of your writing. Maybe I am reading it wrong or not understanding how to read this but I am struggling.

As far as I can tell your grammer is good, i see some combined words and I'm not sure if thats common in this style or not, but thought I would point that out.

As ive said I am not familiar with this style so Im not sure what I said is accurate or helpful.

Well thats all I can say, I hope you have a great day




User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 75
Reviews: 14

Donate
Sat Aug 10, 2019 12:42 pm
Zrillis wrote a review...



Hello. I would like to give you my honest review and I hope this is helpful

First of all, I hate the way you structured this. It messes with my mind and I cant focus on reading properly without focus. I know alot of people are ok with this but its not for me at all.

Ok now that the surface level is out of the way.

I am honestly struggling to read this, not counting the structure I cant make much sense of your writing. Maybe I am reading it wrong or not understanding how to read this but I am struggling.

As far as I can tell your grammer is good, i see some combined words and I'm not sure if thats common in this style or not, but thought I would point that out.

As ive said I am not familiar with this style so Im not sure what I said is accurate or helpful.

Well thats all I can say, I hope you have a great day





Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything's different?
— C.S. Lewis