where the sun breaks flies in . although toppled yet manned sirs that silverheys my four mans fretting bothers smacked by a grease storm and or ferried dead welloff he is taken by surgings of magnificence chalk and pace read by penbreakers glasses stooped and helloed i i weeze past the pals of mars
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This is really good writing and I understand where you are trying to go with this but it personally doesn't quite make sense. It may be just me and this is just suggestion but I think you could add commas in some places. For example when you say "Ferried dead welloff her is taken" you could place a comma in between "dead" and "welloff." It was also kind of confusing to me, but I may completely wrong. I hope this helps, if it makes any sense. Your writing is amazing though.
Keep up the great writing!
Alright, I will state right to begin with that comprehending this poem was a fearful task.
And that I failed at it.
Except that no, I didn't fail at it. Explicitly, sure, it's pretty hard terrain. Implicitly on the other hand, I think I felt where you were going quite excellently. I have absolutely no problem with free verse of any kind, and apparently that applies equally to something whose composition nearly entirely detains me from understanding it. I liked it.
For one, once you've read it a few times you begin to assume different possible interpretations. "Where the sun breaks flies in", I imagine to mean the domestication of flies in the sunlight. The docile bumbling about of heavy-bodied bluebottles on window sills and an inevitable kind of reproduction, a multiplication of numbers that happens in the hot seasons.
There is a vulnerable sense to the poem in its near incomprehensibility. Component parts are understandable, but the construct itself remains very elusive. I might be going overboard in saying that I find this to be a very effective means of conveying human fragility. But I don't think I am.
My point of commendation is my point of criticism - so long as it doesn't impede your poetic flow, a bit of aid in helping us to understand contexts would be helpful. As it came to a point where I wasn't sure whether it was a spelling mistake or intentional, the alarm in this area might just be acute.
e.g. stooped and helloed i
i weeze past the pals of mars
>repetition of I, and is "weeze" supposed to be "wheeze"?
Poetry, and art of any form, is condensed communication, and in this sense you've succeeded. I am not sure what it is, but I have taken something from this, and hey, even if I'm pretty confounded at the end of it all, well done.
Repetition was on purpose.
Good catch with, "weeze."