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Dear Anonymous (part 2)

by Xreigon


My Dearest Ariel,

I could never stop writing. These words just flow out of my soul, begging me to tell you. I want you to know the beauty that you really are, the way that you affect people. Your eyes are as blue as the deepest sea; your face is that of an angelic figure.

There is a reason why I never put my name. I desire for you to see the inside of me first, before you see the rest. You must know who I am before I show you. Too many people judge me by my looks and do not pause to see the inside. It is a horrible tragedy that our society has developed.

But you, my darling, are more than words can describe. It is more than your outward beauty that fascinates me. It is your caring nature, the way you give to those less fortunate, even if you are hardly doing better than them. I long to be one of the people you care for, the person you look at with love, with sincerity.

You have seen me before. Actually, I often see you, wishing that I could tell you who I am. But I will be patient and see this through. Keep your faith in me, my sweet.

Remember you are always in my heart, and you are amazing.

With as much love as possible,

Your devoted admirer


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7 Reviews


Points: 393
Reviews: 7

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Fri Oct 11, 2013 5:15 am
tylerthomas wrote a review...



Super cool follow up. I love how you played the role of the admirer. I am getting a bit of a stalker ish vibe from him, but in a sweet sort of way. I feel though that this does't quite line up with the other letter. I say this because in the other letter it made it seem that she was getting poetic and romantic notes. This letter just seemed a bit like a pity party. No offense I stilled liked it; it just seemed a bit off. And as im reading this im formulating a theory. Is this like reverse little mermaid. The reason i say that is because in the little mermaid ariel was an awkward person who was hard core stalking on this guy. then they get together and live happily ever after...but in this story the guy is the stalker...and since mermen don't exist i have only to believe that he is one of the fish in the bio lab in mrs. stacey's room. Just saying.




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123 Reviews


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Sun Jul 28, 2013 7:40 pm
FatCowsSis wrote a review...



Hey Xregion,

So I reviewed part four of your Anonymous Letter series. But, it's review day and I saw this only had two. So, FCS here with a review for The Inc(red)ible's! No capes though. Alright. As I said in the part 4 review, I love this. It's a great idea that I never would have ever in my life thought of. Well, I might have thought of it at some point, but.....Okay, so in this one, only a few minor grammar issues along with punctuation. Anything else negative was corrected in parts 3 and 4. So, please please please please please please please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please pleaseplease please please please please write a part 5, 6.....ect. If you already have, then I'm sorry. I'll look for it. Keep writing!

-FCS

BTW: Did I have enough please's??




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25 Reviews


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Sun Jul 14, 2013 2:30 pm
Aquila90 wrote a review...



Hello Xreigon!

I often read short and sweet writings because I have no time...LOL but yours came across as something which I want to read to the end. Furthermore it is not too mushy for me and definitely sufficient in emotions to hook me into the protagonist's world of obsessive desire! Great work at that!

One thing I love to see is short and strong sentences. You might have followed the concept of letter writing but this is no ordinary one which appeals to only one audience. It is something which many would understand and keep reading to uncover more of the main character's deep emotions.

The simplicity and constant pauses are good. There are however, parts and minor details which needs fixing. These small details break the flow of your work and can reduce a pro into a mere amateur.

"Your eyes are blue as the deepest sea; your face that of an angelic figure."

Rephrase it: Your eyes are (as) blue as the deepest sea, while your face is that..." A change of punctuation would make sense while an added 'as' will increase the ease of flow. But 'angelic figure' does not make sense to me. A face cannot have an angelic figure, because an angelic figure evokes a heavenly body that is not limited to the face. Rather I picture here a complete body.


"There is a reason that I never put my name."

Rephrase: There is a reason (why) I never put my name.


"It is a horrible tragedy that has begun in our society."

Tenses: When I read 'that has begun,' it almost sounded like something has started at a definite point. However you would have known that this is a fact and is ongoing in our society even before our births! LOL So stick to present tense!


"the person you look at with love, in sincerity."

Switch: 'In' with 'with.'


"With as much love as is possible."

Omit: 'is'

This looks like a series of letters that can really form a romantic novel! Keep at it and do not stop the ideas from bouncing in your head. Constantly hear feedback and decide which you want to apply. From there your writing will only get better! :D




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103 Reviews


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Sun Jul 14, 2013 5:07 am
KittyCatMeow wrote a review...



Hey! :D I'm here to review part 2 of your series.

First of all, I think you really improved on this, now to get on with the review.

I don't think using "outward" twice really fits. Perhaps you can change it to a different word?

Also, I don't think the greeting or the closing is something that a male would say. Maybe he is very polite, but that is unlikely. This person must be sneaky to write a girl some secret letters, and then stuff them in a locker without anyone seeing.

I think that's it for this letter. You have definitely gotten better, like I said.

Time for me to review part 3. Keep writing!





here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a treee called life; which grows higher than the soul can home or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
— e.e. cummings