The morning was foggy and wet, mirroring Brett's dreary mood. He loaded the last of the planks of wood onto the pickup and, as he did, scraped his palm on a knot that hadn’t been sanded. He slammed the trunk shut, but allowed his palm to linger on the cool, dew-dappled surface of the door.
It was a good truck, but an ugly one. The company decals were faded and peeling, and the yellow paint was gradually losing a war against rust. Months before, forsaken jacaranda flowers had nestled in places the wind could never touch, like the bottom rim of the windshield or the deepest corners of the bed, so that now they littered the truck like withered brown carcasses. He knew that soon they’d be back again in all their purple glory, but for now he wallowed in their ugliness, and didn’t even smile at poor Ted Ernest when he arrived.
“You alright, Brett?” Ted asked, squinting at his boss. They were the same age and had been friends since middle school.
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “I’m fine. How are you?”
“Just dandy.” He blinked, nodded awkwardly, then opened the passenger door and climbed inside.
Brett glanced at his palm, sighed morosely, then touched another part of the truck because the cool dew felt good, and touched another part, and another part, as he walked to the door.
“The jacarandas will come again,” he said to Ted when he was inside, “and yet, just like always, they’ll die.”
“The little purple flowers, you mean?”
“Yeah. I like them when they fall. I just hate them when they shrivel up like that.” He indicated the windshield, where clusters of them were nestled.
“Makes you appreciate them all the more when they’re purple,” Ted said, without much confidence.
“That’s true, but that’s not what I’m getting at.” He started the car. “Why can’t beautiful things last? Why do they have to slip through my fingers when I’m not ready to let them go?”
“Brett?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you having girl problems?”
Brett set his jaw and said nothing.
He turned on the radio and tuned it to classic rock - comfort music, from summer days as a kid when his mom would play old vinyls. The Police were on for some special triple play Thursday thing and that put him in a sunnier mood. Ted relaxed too, especially since he seemed to have figured out why his friend was so low.
“To continue the flower metaphor,” he said, “perhaps you need to find a girl who’s grounded. You know, in a pot, so she won’t die off and leave.”
“You’re the one to talk.”
Ted grinned. “Hey, I thought that was pretty good.”
“It might have been, if it hadn’t come from your mouth.”
“Oh yeah? And whose mouth would it have sounded good from?”
“Matt’s."
"Why?"
"He has the credentials. ’Been married for two years now.”
“That’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard you say about him,” Ted said. “And I always thought twins loved each other.”
“We do. He’s just so damn successful. Then here I am, single and stuck here with our father’s damn wood business.”
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re jealous.”
Brett glanced at him with one eye. “But you know better?”
Ted shrugged. “It’s just not like you to be jealous.”
Brett shifted a bit in his seat, then leaned forward to turn the radio up a notch.
Outside the Crawford Carpentry pickup, the road was quiet. Sometimes, through the trees and the fog, you could see the creek that ran alongside it. It was more a snake of wet rocks than any substantial stream, but it was steady and comforting nonetheless. Brett had grown up to its gentle soundtrack, and it held many an everlasting memory in its stones.
Most of them had to do with pranking Matt - the creek had a glorious source of frogs.
Brett’s favorite Police song came and he allowed himself a smile. He cranked down the windows and cranked up the sawdusted volume dial so that all of mother nature, the precious creek included, could capture the staticky sound waves.
An orange flower dropped from one of the overhanging trees and smacked onto the windshield. Ted laughed. “It’s a new girl,” he yelled above the music.
Suddenly, a white flash streaked across the road. Brett's smile disappeared and he slammed on the brakes and turned sharply to the left to avoid it. He saw the white flash again to the right and knew that the dog or whatever it was had been spared, but when he heard something metal groan and snap, he knew his old truck hadn’t been so lucky. He cursed as he gripped the wheel with white knuckles, the truck grinding to a stop after having spun nearly 360 degrees.
His hand shaking a little, Ted switched the radio off, and they sat there for a moment on the silent foggy road, waiting for their hammering hearts to slow down.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hey! Pomeroy here for a quick review~
First, I would like to say that this gripped me instantly. I don't know if it's just me, or your writing but something about that first paragraph, how it was written, the choice of words, I was immediately captivated.
I see someone else mentioned this, but I'm going to reiterate that at the very beginning, instead of using a pronoun, I would suggest introducing your character there. There's nothing wrong with introducing your character right off the bat. And honestly, it's so much nicer than playing the pronoun game. It almost makes me feel disconnected from Brett, which isn't good.
I would recommend specifying the speaker. I couldn't tell if it was Ted or Brett talking.
Ted seems cute, the way he tries to keep up with the metaphor and encourage his friend/boss. I already like him.
This was really short, but I feel like you set some pretty solid characters! The tone throughout the writing was consistent and overall I liked this a lot. I don't have much else to comment on other than what I've written above.
Good job! Keep writing!
Thank you so much, Pomeroy, for both reading and reviewing! I like your suggestions. The part about being disconnected is a good point.
Hello! I'm here for a review, as stated by the large letters above.
I. In the first sentence, instead of saying 'his' dreary mood, a name would be nice. Unless you don't want to reveal the name.
II. Spell out your numbers. 360 is the one I found here.
III. 'a white flash streaked' is a bit repetitive. I'd say 'something white' or another version of that.
This is a well-written chapter. I definitely get a sense of who the characters where and how they were related. I would have liked some descriptions, however. I don't really know what anything looks like unless it's described in the first two paragraphs. I also would have liked some more description of the car 'crash,' for lack of a better word. It seems pretty important, so I'd give it some more description. Also, there are a few places that could use some clarification. When past events are referenced, I understand what's going on, but it's a bit hazy.
Keep writing!
Feltrix
Great advice! Thanks, Feltrix!!
Hello hello!! I'm finally getting to this! I apologize for the wait
Even here in this opening segment, I know nothing about the characters or anything about the plot and yet you've draw me in purely from the way you're crafting the story and the way you're using your words, which is cool. That's hard to do. Stylistically and technically you're golden.
Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention!
Oh Ordadus. I think this was one of the first stories I remember getting into back when I made my YWS comeback. I'm glad you're working on the revival!
So your writing is terrible and awful and has zero style.
OBVIOUSLY KIDDING. I've gushed over your writing before. You know my feelings
I liked the flower metaphor throughout, I thought that was a clever thing to keep constant throughout the segment and I liked the way you were able to weave a little humor in because of the metaphor. You've done a nice job setting your characters up and I believe you've planted a few little seeds here which I also appreciate.
If I have to have a qualm about this chapter, it's the dialogue. To be fair, I'm going back and forth on the dialogue and this is pretty nit-picky but I'm going to bring it up anyway :p There were places I felt like the dialogue was a little "as you know..." telling, or that you were using it as a way to make a couple of points clear - like Brett is lovesick and Matt has this steady relationship, and I had a little bit of a tricky time believing that two guys would have a conversation like this and talk about this nice flower metaphor and love and relationships. But, maybe that's what they're like. The dialogue isn't bad, but it almost feels forced in a way. But, it could also just be me and how I read it.
Overall, nice chapter! I liked the way you quickly established a baseline of normal before the crazy stuff starts happening, and I liked the way you showed the flash of light at the end. I'm not sure how many similarities this version will have to the previous version, but if I remember correctly some sort of flash of light brings them to Ordadus. But I'll just have to skip on over to the next segment and find out!
Carlitooooo <333
I love you so much xD Thank you!
Expect a review later (if I can gather enough stuff xD) But I just want to say that this --
-- was my favorite part xD
Awww, Wolfey <3
yesss xD
Hey Wolfical!
This was a neat chapter (even though it's only the first part of one)! You gave us a glimpse into what the characters are like, but it's not all revealed just yet.
Something I really liked in this was the flower imagery and symbolism. Your description was really good, and I wonder if the comparison will continue throughout the story. I also really like what you've said of the setting thus far! For some reason it gives me a kind of rambling peaceful country feeling.
It strikes me as odd that Ted is on a first name basis with his boss, and is willing to confront him about his "girl problems" and even talk about his brother and knowing him well enough that it's not jealousy. I don't know what their background is, but it seems kind of unusual to me.
Saying "was suddenly sucked of sound" sounds kind of weird to me. Something like, "the sound was suddenly sucked out of the truck" seems to sound a little better, or you could use sudden silence instead of using the word sucked, which throws it off a little.
Anyway, sorry I don't have too much to comment! It's pretty good already.
-Falco
I have them on a first name basis because they're just about the same age and even though Brett's the boss he doesn't act like one. He hasn't been in charge of the company for very long. Thanks for telling me that, though, because that's something I'll have to make more clear.
Thank you for the review, Falco! <3
Hey Wolfifcal,
You had the beginnings of a great story. I love the seeds you planted here- two jealous brothers and a friend caught up in it, and I'd love to see that continued more. I had a couple of points I'd like to discuss:
1: You mention in the first paragraph that Brett is Ted's boss, but then later you say that Ted inherited the wood business from his father. How did that work? If Ted inherited the sinews, he would have been overseer, would he not? That could use some clarifying
2: You should elaborate on Matt's success. Since Matt and Ted's relationship is important to the story, understanding why Ted is jealous is going to be helpful in later conversations.
3: Their run-in with a dog was very rushed and didn't flow to the story. It seemed to be hastily thrown in there and caused a problem. You didn't quite achieve a cliff-hanging ending, although you definitely built suspense. It felt like something was missing there.
Overall great setup for future stories. This was a nice first installment that will help set the stage for some other conflicts. I would work on the last two paragraphs and try to incorporate it better into the story. Good job and good luck!
Thanks so much for the review, Tucker!
The ending seems rushed because it isn't actually the ending of the chapter - you'll see I've posted part two of the chapter as well! I had to choose a good middle spot somewhere to split this, so sorry if it came off as awkward. Spoiler alert: the dog comes back in part two. d:
It seems like you got Ted and Brett mixed up in a few places. Brett is Ted's boss and the overseer of the company, and he's also Matt's brother, not Ted. I might need to go back again and make sure that's clear.
Thanks again! <3