I KEEP THE PEGASUS FEATHERS tucked neatly in wooden boxes that are hidden under the floorboards. There’s a separate one for Danny’s feathers and a separate one for Drew’s because they look the same - each one like a large eagle feather, really - and I can’t let them get mixed up. They need to be replenished every week, so every Sunday evening I wait for the horses to fall asleep in their stalls, allowing me to peaceably pluck seven new feathers from each of them. Winged horses are very vain creatures when it comes to their massive plumage, so if they catch me leaning over their stall gate in the black of night there’s a good chance I’ll lose a finger or two.
The stable and pasture is some distance from my cabin. When I was younger, I was more than eager to leave early in the morning to let the horses out and bring them back at night, but now? Not so much. It’s a long trek up the mountain and down into the hidden valley, where they’re concealed beneath dappled shadows of the forest, just to feed them and let them run.
Perhaps I’m acting a bit selfish, but now that I’m an old man I’d much rather stay in my cabin with my tabby cat Tiger and watch the pond. From what I’ve heard about those television sets that most people have in their homes now, the pond is a lot like that. You sit and watch it, and it entertains you.
It’s more, though. I don’t know much about TVs, as they tend to call them, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need a magical pegasus feather to turn them on. And I know for sure that any old television set can’t prepare me again for Ordadus.
I crouch next to the pond, Drew’s feather box tucked safely under my arm. I twirl a stick in the water for a few seconds to get it ready, and then I open the box to take out the last feather of the week. I hold it above the pond for a moment and close my eyes. “Please be okay, Andrew,” I whisper.
Right as the feather hits the water, the pool bubbles and begins to change colors.
The sun is setting. Dead stalks of plants, absorbing the sun’s final orange hues, litter the landscape. Hank is walking next to him, and base camp isn’t too far ahead. The hopeful American flag is in clear view.
Nonetheless, when I dip my hand into the water, I can feel Andrew’s apprehension. He’s worried. Once again, it’s the landmines.
I can see Tiger’s reflection in the water, watching the floating feather with hungry eyes. “Tiger,” I scold her. “No.” The feather floats dangerously close to her and, as usual, she’s ignoring me. I can see her tail twitching as she kneads the floor with her paws, ready to snatch her prey.
“Tiger, no!” I take my hand out of the water to grab the stick. But it’s too late. She swipes at the feather and within a mere second has it in her claws. The scene in the pool instantly vanishes and Tiger is watching me with a triumphant gleam in her eye, the dripping feather in her mouth.
“Damn cat!” I yell, and throw the stick at her. She jumps cleanly out of the way but drops the feather on the ground, thank God, permitting me to get up and snatch it. Indifferent to the curses I spit at her, she slinks out of the cabin. I slam the door after her and return to the pool, cradling the feather.
She’s done this before - just to irk me, I’m sure - but never when I’m on my last feather. Normally I’d fetch a fresh one from the box, but it’s Sunday and the box is empty. I’m not sure if it’ll work; magic is unpredictable.
With no better option than to try it out, I bend down and gently release the feather into the water. As the pool begins to change colors and bubble again, I let out a sigh of relief. But after a few seconds, it still hasn’t focused. Reds, blues, greens, and flashes of white are all I can see. The water churns and bubbles, the feather tossed about on its surface.
I back up from the pool slowly, another curse for Tiger creeping onto my tongue. But once again, the pool surprises me. The bubbling fades and the random colors and flashes of light dissolve, permitting a crisp new scene to surface in the water. I can see a bright sun breaking through a range of mountains, rolling green fields sparkling with dew, and a herd of black faelk swarming below.
Wait, what? My heart skips a beat. Faelk?
This must be a mistake, I tell myself, and plunge both of my hands into the water. Utter confusion meets my equally bewildered fingertips, mingled with a sense of doom and rising panic. But one thing’s for certain: it’s Andrew. And he’s suddenly falling from the sky and straight into the open arms of Ordadus.
What happened?
I'm powerless to do anything but sit and watch.
A/N: This might become Chapter One eventually, but for now it's just replacing the old prologue.
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Hey, Wolfie! Sorry that I'm a little late :3 Just a heads up, while I'm sure Carlito's review is fantastic, I won't be reading it because I am really tired (that may also be the cause of some incoherent phrases, so just ask if you're confused.)
First off, I'm really wondering why the sudden change in tense and perspective and point of view? Since this is indeed showing the events of chapter one, it doesn't really make sense for you to have this come before everything else in present tense and then the future events in past >.> So, that's a little weird, I think. Then also, is this the only time we're going to see Sam (I believe his name was xD)? Or well, see something from Sam's perspective. Because it seems so arbitrary a point to put a first person narrator in and I guess we're not meant to understand, but this part probably makes me far more confused than anything else.
Oh, and quick nitpick --
Some pretty obvious repetition that bothered me xD An easy fix; you can just remove the first "a separate".
Now, I'm not really feeling how this starts out. It feels so "unnatural" to me. Now, this may be the tired talking, but it doesn't feel like a good start. Yes, you dump us right in the middle of everything with the feathers -- which you show us the use of later -- but there are so many other things that are unanswered and I'm left so unsure of and then nothing else about them shows up in the other seven chapters you wrote. And holy cow tangent.
But the point I was going for was it doesn't feel very natural sounding as thoughts, which is entirely what first person -- ESPECIALLY present tense -- is. Almost direct character thoughts. To me, it reads much more detached, like the narrator is sitting back. Really, this could switch all the pronouns to third and it would read the same and perhaps be better. Look at little opportunities to add a little extra tone or voice or extra emotion of the narrator, even if it's as simple as "the little beast" in place of Tiger's name once or something like that.
(I am so sorry if I'm rambling.)
Also, I really don't understand why this pond is so important to Sam >.> This isn't a pressing measure, but I don't feel any reason to really be engaged in what's happening because I don't feel any stakes. There is obvious tension and something is wrong, yes. But I don't understand what's wrong, what's happening, what is so bad about this, so I'm really not that interested (sorry >.<).
Also, please don't make this the first chapter xD Unless you shape everything around this to work with it. I guess if you're rewriting anyway, but it's so different, so set apart from the first chapter you have now that it jumps so suddenly between subjects I don't feel it would work very well. As a prologue, this is far from complete, but as a first chapter and intro it doesn't lead us extremely well into the other presented story, does that make sense?
To be honest, I don't really like this part quite as much. I'll definitely reread it when I can think straight and make amendments to my thoughts, but so far -- I know more, yes, there are Pegasus feathers that show mystical visions ~ -- but knowing that much more also makes me ask so many more questions. Why does he need to look? How does he know this is happening? How did he know about this stuff? >.< The more you know, the more you realize you don't know.
I'm sorry if this was harsh or too scattered to follow. Please ask any questions for clarification or anything like that ~ Best of luck!
Happy writing,
~Wolfe
Thanks Wolfe! Yeah, I was never all that certain about this prologue either. It's pretty short, so I have a lot to work with still. I don't exactly like the feel of it or the tone of it. It's not really Ordadus. I wrote it very quickly too, mind you (the first prologue was sitting in editing mode for well over a month before I joined YWS and posted it). So what it needs is some TLC. Perhaps I need to completely reorganize my Ordadus thoughts and start again with a strong base as my trunk for a very complicated tree. I too am very tired and am probably senselessly rambling as we speak. Er, as we write/read. I need to go to bed. Thank you for those pointers Wolfe!
Yay more Ordadus!!
I was really prepared to dislike this because I generally don't like prologues and I still think your first chapter is awesome. But this pleasantly surprised me!
I like that you introduce the magic and the world right away, so there's no question on the reader's part that this is fantasy. I also really appreciated that you did it in a non-info dump way. There are still plenty of things I want to know about the world and that I don't understand yet (which is good because it'll make me read more) but I don't feel confused yet.
One thing I'd like to know a little more about, probably sooner rather than later, is when this is. The way this narrator talks about television, it makes it seem like this is a relatively new invention, but I'm not sure.
Nitpicks:
I love this alliteration, but I think "peacefully" would sound better.
I'm going back and forth with this line. I'm not sure if it's the wording or something else, but I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Has he been to Ordadus before? It almost sounds like he knows this will show or lead to Ordadus. - If so, how does he know that and why is he going forward if he isn't prepared for it (which makes me think he doesn't want to re-experience it)? It also sort of sounds like this is foreshadowing or he's speaking retrospectively. - Like it's setting the reader up so we know a trip to Ordadus is in the future or he already knows what happens and he's telling us nothing could have prepared him for it
(I think I'm thinking about this too much :p)
Who is Hank? You could add a brief description here like "my friend" or whatever he is for clarity.
The floor? I thought they were outside?
The stick? What stick? I don't remember any mention of a stick being close by.
Oooooooh, the pool is in the cabin! I pictured it outside and being like a lake.
You mentioned wanting to know if you represented the cat well. I've never lived with a cat, but I have many friends with cats and I love to
force them to love mepower-bond with them :p (really all animals, but that's besides the point...) Cats have a huge variety of personalities/temperaments and I've seen cats do what you described with stalking and going after their "prey". I've also known cats to not be phased by water, so I don't think it's a problem that Tiger fished his prey from the water. The only thing I wasn't so sure about regarding the cat was the "triumphant gleam" in her eyes after capturing the "prey". I'm having a hard time picturing exactly what that would look like on a cat. Unless the cat was triumphant like "look at this thing that I caught for you" (which I don't think is the case with Tiger). I feel like many cats wouldn't pay their human much attention and their focus would be on their capture. But every cat is different and I don't think it's a big problem.You also mentioned wanting feedback on the first person. I write in first person most of the time, and I thought you executed it well. The only thing that makes it a little tricky is that the reader has no idea who this narrator is. I don't think it's a problem that this is in first and the rest is in third - I did a similar thing in one of my projects, the main story line was in first and there were a couple of alternate lines in third. But, this narrator will need to come back somewhere and his(?) scenes should probably also be in first for continuity. But you can experiment with that and see what feels best.
I liked this opening much better than the old prologue and I would definitely make this chapter one because it's a great transition into the next chapter. I think the only reason why I would keep it a prologue would be if this narrator isn't going to have a big role and the reader won't get many (or any) other opportunities to see his perspective in first. That way it would be set a part from the story a little while still being an effective prologue/opening without confusing the reader about why there's this one random first person scene and the rest is third.
Post more Ordadus soon, please!
Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Carlito, you amazing person you. Thank you for your advice!!! From my time on this site I've learned to dislike prologues, so yeah, in my next draft this'll most likely be the first chapter. Thank you!
Hey! Dustbunny here! Nice piece! I certainly think that it could become something, like a chapter one to a great story! I'm not a huge Grammar Nazi or anything so that means all my advice is for the story. So take it for what you will
Anyway I think it would be best if you kinda explained the dude is older at the beginning, I came into this totally thinking of a younger guy, and it really kinda threw me off once I realized the character was older. I also know that at the moment this is just a prologue, but I think a short description as to what the "Faelk" Are would be nice, because at the moment, i'm thinking this faelk is bad but I don't really have any idea why or how its bad. Same thing with Ordadus, I guess its bad but I don't know why and because of that I can't really be tense wondering about Andrew's fate. Anyway, that's all from me! Good job and keep it up!
Smart. I'll work on that. Thank you!!!
Hey, I'm here to review your piece!
First of all, I want to applaud you for your high level of vocabulary. Being a non-native English speaker, I had to look up for some of the fancy words you used.
What's them? I think you can refer to the televisions one more time before using "them" to refer them.
Okay, when you said "Hank is walking next to him", I wondered who "him" was. I could guess it was Andrew but I didn't know for sure. I suggest you to introduce us to him first before Hank.
Overall, I think the prologue is quite interesting. The introduction of magic, unicorns and faelks set up a fantasy feeling to this novel. I don't know what's a faelk though so I think any reader who wants to know what that is need to follow this story.
I also want to know the connection between Andrew and the protagonist. I would guess that Andrew has something to do with America military. I dunno what happens with him but the mention of land mine allows me to guess that there's a war brewing up there. I suggest you use "land mine" instead of "landmine" since I think the former is the word for it compared to the latter.
The use of televisions also intrigue me as to what time this novel takes place at. If I remove them, I would believe this happens during the past or ancient time. Perhaps you can give a bit of clue at the city for example to establish a set of time to us readers. Also, since this is a prologue, I still couldn't grasp the protagonist's personality so I hope it would be shown later for the readers to digest.
That's all. Keep up the good job!
Thank you so much, Lightsong!!!
Great advice.