They crept as close as they could. Brett tried to mimic Arena’s footsteps, rolling his feet from ankle to toe, but he continued to step on snapping twigs and crumbling leaves no matter how hard he tried. He put the blame on his shoes, durable and dusty leather carpenter shoes, and not so much his skill, because Arena was wearing light moccasin boots and she crept along as quietly as an Indian in an old west film. If what Arena said was true, that his Earth days were over, Brett planned to get himself a pair of those shoes.
Crouching behind a boulder, Brett’s eyes adjusted readily to the flickering light that came from a torch at the gate. He could see the guard Tanyenke quite well, who looked preoccupied and was studying something in his hands. He didn’t even look up until Arena was practically at the gate.
“Arena!” the man exclaimed. He tried to hide the thing in his hands behind his back but then realized it was hopeless and shrugged apologetically.
Arena coughed into her shoulder. “Tanyenke, what—” She coughed again, and her voice sounded suddenly dry and raspy. “How did you get that?”
Tanyenke’s deep voice dropped low and Brett couldn’t hear exactly what his reply was, but he caught the end: “—couldn’t just leave him behind!”
“A furca or a bird is one thing, Tan,” Arena said, again sounding rather weak and sickly. “But a smilo kitten?”
“I know… Why aren’t you inside already?”
Arena coughed again. “I left my dagger on the trail and I went back to find it. You know the Reatohans - they’ll steal anything.”
“You don’t sound good. Is it the kitten?”
“No, no. I seem to have come down with something. Which reminds me. I don’t want Maiara in my room tonight. She might…” Arena started to sway and Tanyenke caught her arm with his free hand.
“I’ll take care of her,” he said immediately. “Don’t worry about it. You need rest.”
“Thank you,” Arena said, wearily.
Brett saw a glimpse of the fluffy smilo kitten as Tanyenke gently shifted it to his other hand, then said, “I’ll be right back to help you to your room, okay?” His face was creased in worry.
Arena straightened up a little. “That’ll be alright. I wouldn’t want you to get sick or anything.”
He nodded reluctantly. “I’ll tell Nashoba you won’t be at the farm tomorrow.”
“Thanks.”
He turned and disappeared behind the gate. Arena turned around immediately and waved at Brett to come.
Inside the gate, there was a small courtyard with recently abandoned cooking fires, their embers still red. The courtyard was fenced in on three sides by tall, sharpened logs, and the fourth side was a jagged wall of rock with a gaping black hole in the center. Arena grabbed Brett’s arm and led him into the darkness of the cave, took a sharp right, then pressed him up against a far wall.
“We’ll wait until we hear them go by, then we’ll go to my room,” Arena whispered.
Brett couldn’t see anything. He thought being outside on the mountain was dark, but this? He squinted around him and waited for his eyes to adjust, but even after a minute he was still absolutely blind to their surroundings. He couldn’t even see the bright white beads on Arena’s dress.
Tanyenke returned. Brett could hear the sound of his fingertips grazing the rock to feel his way through. Brett pressed himself closer to the wall, remembering what Arena had said about no one seeing him.
“Thank you again, Tanyenke,” Arena whispered.
“Of course,” he said.
“Arena!” a little girl’s voice exclaimed suddenly. “Tanyenke’s got a new pet—”
“Shhh!” Arena and Tanyenke said at the same time.
“Keep that to yourself, Maiara,” Arena whispered.
“Goodnight,” said Tanyenke, shuffling past.
Once they were far enough away, Arena grabbed Brett’s hand and led him through the cave. They had to climb up one rough wooden ladder and down another, and turned this way and that, past nearby snores and whispering breaths of other people, before they finally reached Arena’s room, which appeared to be nothing more than a sectioned-off space in the cave, partitioned by curtains of deerskin.
She led him to the little girl’s bed, which was nothing more than a thin pallet on the ground of corn husks and deer hide, with a bundle of deerskin for a pillow.
“Was that your daughter?” Brett asked.
“Please don’t talk, and no. But she can’t be with her parents so I’m her mother now.”
“Don’t talk?”
“No. Go to sleep. We’ll look at your wound tomorrow when everyone’s gone.”
Although Brett’s disoriented brain didn’t feel like drifting off to sleep, his body did. The adrenaline drained from his limbs and he dropped onto the tiny bed. It wasn’t comfortable and his legs stretched well beyond the corn husks and onto the cold rock, but he fell asleep the moment his head touched the pillow.
End of chapter
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Hello again! Soooo you can post more now because I'm caught up!
(Seriously though I want more so...... :p)
Another well-executed segment! I'm impressed that Arena's plan went so well. She's obviously pretty smart to be able to think all of that through and have everything go so smoothly. I also liked the introductions of the other characters and this similo kitten! That's going to be interesting!
A few small things -
Ever since Arena said this, we haven't had much of Brett's thoughts about how he feels about this. Maybe he hasn't had time to slow down and think about the implications of what she said, but during the journey might be a good time to show some of his thoughts about this. How does he feel about his Earth days being over? What are the implications of this if it's true?
What does he think when they approach the compound and he's hiding as Arena tries to get them in? Is he scared? Overwhelmed? Excited? What's going through his mind? Same as they actually get in and have to hide and carefully make their way to Arena's room? This is such a new and crazy experience for Brett, I want to know how he's handling it and processing it.
I'd also be interested in having more description of what these people Arena talked to look like. I'm not one to talk because I almost never describe characters, but sine this is a fantasy world, I'd be curious to have a bit of a description of them.
That's all for now. Please post more asap and I'll try to get to it much faster than I did these segments! Let me know if you have any questions/if there's anything I didn't mention that you'd like feedback about!
This is really helpful advice! I don't think internal dialogue is my strong point so I'll have to work on that. Thank you so much, Carlito!
You're very welcome! Can't wait for more <3
Hello again!
Details:
"They crept as close as they can." could.
"in an old west film" Old West should be capitalized because it's signifying a region not a direction. I promise this whole review won't be grammar.
"If what Arena said was true, that his Earth days were over, Brett planned to get himself a pair of those shoes." I like this characterization a lot. He's kind of in the denial phase about the whole not-on-Earth thing, which I think is both believable and fits his personality. It also explains why he hasn't been freaking out about that more.
You do a great job of describing the gate later on, but I wish it was described right away. It would allow me to see the whole scene where Arena is conversing with Tan a bit better.
“A furca or a bird is one thing, Tan,” Arena said, again sounding rather weak and sickly. “But a smilo kitten?” Oh, Arena, like you have any right to cast stones. You brought home a human from Earth. Love it.
"partitioned by curtains of deerskin." How can Brett be so certain it's deerskin? This isn't Earth and the other creatures on the planet aren't exactly matching up with Earth animals, much less North American ones. He could be a bit unsure about this, or just say that it looked like deerskin.
"“Was that your daughter?” Brett asked. / “Please don’t talk, and no. But she can’t be with her parents so I’m her mother now.”" I don't know the history behind this yet, but I assume that this has to be a touchy/painful subject for Arena. Maybe make her a bit less quick to answer, or a bit more unsure about how to word it right. If she's taking on the role of mother, she might consider the girl to be her daughter, just not her birth-daughter. It's a complicated question and if the village is small enough she might not have been asked it before so she might be unpracticed in answering it.
"It wasn’t comfortable and his legs stretched well beyond the corn husks and onto the cold rock, but he fell asleep the moment his head touched the pillow." This is a great detail.
Overall, I really enjoyed this part. You did a great job introducing Tan, I already love him. We're starting to learn more about Arena which is also nice and I can't wait to learn more about Maiara. Introducing this new conflict of Arena's sickness was also really well done and I can't wait to see where that goes either. The plot's developing at a really good pace.
Hope these review helped! Will be waiting for the next part.
-tgirly
Again, wow! This is so helpful. Thank you so much. And you're right about the deerskin because it isn't actually from a deer! I'll be sure to fix these things
Hi! I am bvbAngel and I am here to leave you a review if you don't mind. Well I really enjoyed this. Its very descriptive and well with wording. While I was reading I didn't see anything that should've been added or deleted. I didn't see any punctuation errors or anything like that. I couldn't see any errors whatsoever. I feel this was really creative. I really love this..it was incredible. I love how at the end you ads detail so that we can picture what you're saying. As I was reading I could picture everything that you were saying. Ireally loved it again. Thank you fir staring. I hope to see more if your work in the future.
~bvbAngel
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.