ANDREW’S TROUBLED NIGHT began the moment the sun set. As the day was dying down and the shadows within the cabin were drawing themselves further across the cabin floor, the sound of a single gunshot thundered through the buzzing valley. For that moment, Tomas and Leigh were hardly alarmed by it, and so neither was Andrew, for it was, he reasoned, a common sound in a military camp. If anything, he was annoyed that the startling gunshot had interrupted his precise activity of counting the rows of wooden beams above his head, something he had resorted to as a way to pass the time.
But as dozens of soldiers galloped by and a frantic din settled over the camp within seconds, there was a definite cause for concern. The guards glanced at each other. Andrew sat up.
Leigh grabbed a lantern and left the cabin without a minute's hesitation, and when he returned a minute later, fear was clearly etched on his face. “They killed another Slate, Tomas.”
“Another one? What do you mean, Leigh? Was there another one we hadn’t heard about?”
“Yep. One guy was found dead in the herd just this morning with an arrow in his heart, but it was kept quiet. Just now someone saw one of the filthy murderers poking his bow out of the trees and shot at him, but it was too late.”
“Who exactly was killed, do you know?”
“I heard something about the eye-patch guy; maybe him. I don’t know about the other one.” Leigh ruffled his fiery hair in exasperation and threw an irritated glance at Andrew. “All these things 'been happening since this guy came.”
Andrew felt a flare of desperate anger spread in his chest. His breath quickened and words sprang to his tongue, but he swallowed instead and suppressed them. Stay calm, he told himself. He knew it was the best thing to do.
The commotion gradually quieted down, and he fell asleep when it became too dark to count the wooden beams. Over the course of the night he was woken several times by the barking of llargos and the cries of different birds. He heard the guards’ voices once when Tomas’ shift was over and it was Leigh’s turn to stay awake.
The next morning, the guards kicked Andrew awake before the sun had risen and ordered him to stand. His head pounded painfully and his vision swam as he got to his feet, but if anything he was grateful for the water Tomas held to his lips.
The air was fresh but bitterly cold, and Andrew’s pounding head ached more because of it. Goosebumps peppered his exposed arms, and his feet were cold. He miserably stared at the ground as he walked and felt sorry for himself.
Afghanistan had been different, for he had at least understood what was happening. He had been on a team of other Americans like him who had deliberately chosen to venture into a foreign country with guns in their hands. Facing this strange, unknown world alone was so incredibly different. When Captain Rawley had struck Andrew’s head with a rifle, it had forced him into a fearful submission of all that these military men had the power to do. He wasn’t even sure if he was alive—for all he knew, he could have been killed in a landmine explosion and this was his afterlife. He pondered this for a moment, then finally spoke his mind.
He looked up at Tomas, who was riding on his left, and asked, like a child would, “Is this Heaven?”
“What?”
Leigh laughed. “Is that where you come from, stranger? A place called Heaven?” He scratched his jaw and glanced at Tomas. “You know, I think this guy is genuinely lost. Can’t even put a finger on where he is.”
“He knows where he is,” Tomas replied.
Leigh, a mocking grin on his face, leaned over and loudly whispered to Andrew, “This valley here is called Azlana, and it’s located smack in the middle of a country known as Ordadus. Wherever, eh... 'Heavy,' or whatever you call it is, it’s a long ways from here.”
“Sit up straight, Leigh. Lieutenant’s looking at us.” Tomas seemed annoyed by Leigh's jovial nature after the occurrences of the previous night.
Leigh obeyed, but a smile still lingered on his lips. Andrew resumed his inspection of the gravely earth, his brow furrowed in thought.
The cabin that awaited them at the top of a hill was different than any of the others. As far as Andrew could tell, it was the only two-story building in the valley. Unlike every other surrounding cabin, its roof caught the first and last rays of sunlight that seeped through the mountains. From its second floor, he thought, certainly the entirety of Azlana could be seen, for his view on the hill itself provided a beautiful vista of the valley. In the early morning, the valley was blanketed in a soft shadow, and the peaks of the taller mountains were shrouded in clouds.
Two faelk herds were on opposite ends of the valley. The one he had seen yesterday was near the entrance and fenced within was the willow tree. The other herd, the one that he had not seen, was positioned where two rows of mountains that flanked the valley swept down into a sea of trees.
“I don’t think the captain’s here yet,” Tomas said as they dismounted and tied their faelk to a hitching post.
Leigh stepped onto the porch and knocked on the door. He hugged his chest as a cool wind swept past the silent cabin. “I hate this place,” he muttered. He sat on the porch steps and Tomas joined him. Shuffling his feet a bit to keep warm, Andrew turned to stare blankly at the dreary sky.
Around two dozen mounted soldiers passed by below, sharply dressed in navy uniforms and caps. Their equality was impressive and certainly formidable: each tall faelk was sleek, black, and well groomed, and each rider was clean-shaven and neat. They did not so much as glance up at the guards and their prisoner as they went by. A few minutes later, the two guards rose to their feet. Andrew spotted a lone rider picking his way through the military camps, making his way towards them. His heart sank, for the faelk—aided by its long, sinewy legs as it climbed the final hill with herculean ease—had Captain Rawley on its back.
Tomas stepped forward to tie it with the others as the captain dismounted and rather irritably removed his navy jacket, passing Andrew and the guards wordlessly and without acknowledgment. He unlocked the door and uttered an order over his shoulder as he went inside: “Put him in the chair upstairs and light the fire.”
The cabin was just as cold inside, but, nonetheless, the promise of a fire was encouraging. The downstairs area of the cabin was intriguing to Andrew’s search for knowledge about, as Leigh had called it, Ordadus: he caught a glimpse of a map on the wall and a bookshelf filled with several books and other items. But the guards pushed him past the captain—who was impatiently rummaging through a cabinet of what looked like suspended metal rods—and up the stairs.
Comparatively, the upstairs room was small and uninteresting. There were two curtained windows and a round central hearth, where stacks of wood were piled and ready. As Tomas lit the fire, Leigh led Andrew to the only chair in the room, and a bizarre chair at that. His wrists were untied, only to be bound to the chair’s arms with thick strips of leather. The right arm of the chair seemed normal, but as Leigh tested it, Andrew saw that the left arm had joints for its angle and height to be adjusted. At the end of the arm, there was a little metal bar that Andrew's fingers could slip under and hold on to. “How’s this supposed to work?” Leigh asked. “Can’t you lock it into place somehow?”
Tomas shrugged. “Wait for the captain to do it.” He turned back to kindle the fire, and the hearth finally burst into flames. Andrew let the fire’s warmth seep into his bones as he watched the smoke drift upwards through a round hole in the ceiling.
“Tomas?” Leigh whispered, rubbing his arms. “Do you think it’s right for the captain to be doing this?”
“I doubt it’s legal.”
“The Noble’s gonna be here in what—two months? Shouldn’t he just stick this guy in a locked cabin and wait?”
Tomas shrugged, but didn’t reply, for they heard Captain Rawley’s footsteps on the stairs.
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Hi there!
I'm finally here. Sorry for being so late.
A whole month? What's wrong with me?Since it's been a little while since I've read any of this, please excuse anything stupid I say xD I think I remember a lot of what's going on. You know what? I think I'll just go back and scan through the previous chapters. Oh look, I'm rambling already >< Let's get to it!I don't know if I've ever mentioned how impressed I am by your writing. Just by reading these first handful of paragraphs I can see all of the effort you put into your writing. Everything is just so well put together and your style is consistent. It just flows right along as I read. I really feel like I'm reading an already published novel, and that's something I don't say just to say it.
I find it strange that Andrew wouldn't be at least a bit affected by this gunshot. He fought in Afghanistan, yes? From all of the former/active soldiers I've met, they say "once a soldier always a soldier". My neighbor, an Marine, once told me that he still has trouble whenever he hears a gunshot. Nothing like PTSD, but definitely something along the lines of a flashback or something like that. It's quite possible that Andrew would go through something similar to that. Bottom line is I was expecting a reaction out of him.
I wish you would've gotten into what this anger was all about and what he was going to say to them. Obviously he's angry that they want to blame it all on him, but there has to be something more to that as well. Anger, as with any emotion, is never just skin deep. There's some part of his personality that really sparks this anger and frustration about the guards thinking he's the one to mess everything up.
Just a nitpick here. Leigh was just up on the porch knocking on the door, then all of the sudden he's sitting on the porch steps. Tomas said that he thought the captain wasn't even there, so Leigh must've knocked just to be sure. But wouldn't he wait a while before giving up? The way it's written now, it seems like Leigh knocked on the door and then turned away right away and sat on the porch steps. There's a transition missing here.
Another nitpick here. A semi-colon would work better here than a colon. There are two things going on here: Andrew being intrigued by the cabin and him finding things that intrigue him. They're both connected, but could just as easily be not connected, thus warranting a semi-colon. Make sense? xD Colons, I always thought, were used more to list things. That's not exactly what you're doing here.
I feel like you could've given us so much more description about this chair. What exactly, besides the left arm rest, made it so bizarre? Was it a wooden chair? A cushioned chair? Uncomfortable? Comfortable? Since it's mentioned that it's bizarre, I'm curious to see why.
It's been a while since I read the previous chapters, but from what I remember, this one flows really well with the plot. You're moving things along quite well, all the while showing us more of this world, more of Ordadus. The guards, and everyone else in charge in this world, are trying to figure out who Andrew is and why things started going wrong once he got there. At the same time, Andrew is trying to figure out the same thing. Having them take these trips to see the captain and such really works well for the characters as well as us. Andrew gets to learn more and more about this place without having all of the information revealed to him. I always like seeing the different ways writers avoid the big info dumps.
I honestly don't have anything else to say. I think this chapter -- part of the chapter -- is written wonderfully and is a nice continuation of the story. The characters seem pretty consistent. Oh, there is something else I wanted to say. Yay forgetful memory xD It's interesting to see Leigh wanting to, or at least seeming like he wants to, befriend Andrew. I can't remember if he acts like this in the previous chapters or not, but I can definitely see the effort he's taking here to help him. Leigh is still doing his job and everything, but he seems to have believed Andrew's story and wants to now help him. Having him beside Tomas who is just angry at Andrew for everything no matter what, it's an interesting thing to watch. I like that.
I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you so, so much Noelle!
Your reviews make me so happy. I'll try to fix the things you commented on. Thank you!
Oh and by the way, I love how your five red stars (which are just incredible, by the way!) match your avvie's color so well.
Hey, Wolfie!
Alright, to start the entire thing off, I'm super confused. I'm really big about chapter transitions and making sure they connect in some way, even with vagueness in there. Now, I don't think your intention here was to be vague, so that throws that option out. What really threw me off was jumping right into describing the cabin. Now, don't get me wrong, I love a good description (and I even reread the last chapter to refresh my memory) but there are some big things that may have made the first paragraph difficult for me.
First things first, there was mention of a "Azlana". Now, I'm pretty positive - though I have a terrible memory - that this was never mentioned before. Is this the name of the land he's in? How would he know that? It feels like the perspective was suddenly pulled away from Andrew. Which really, really threw me off. I feel like it should be consistent, and again, descriptions are nice, but just that one name seriously threw me for a loop.
Another thing about the paragraph was that when the descriptions come, it somehow talks about the outside of the building, than swaps to what can happen inside. Well, how does Andrew know? Since I assume this is written in third person limited (switching perspectives per certain chapters) it's strange that Andrew would be thinking about the glinting roof and the inside of the cabin at the time when he has yet to seen inside. It really makes me feel detached for a moment. (And honestly, I didn't review this yesterday because I read that paragraph and just decided to retire for the night, since I was too tired and didn't feel like reading on at that point.)
As a transition as a whole, I'm sure it's fine, but (from what I can remember) I do notice that not a lot of these chapters line up straight one after another. Normally, there seems to be a little pause in between the chapters, or a miniature time skip. Perhaps it would do you well to have one or two chapters line up consecutively on the time line so that we can wrap our heads around what's going on.
Wait, what?? So, yes, I'm quite happy that we finally get some context on this land (and get the answer to the valley, but the first appears before this and still seems out of place at the time), but I cannot understand this sentence. Reword? (Is the country named 'Wherever Heavy?')
You are a rather evil individual xD Aside from the rough beginning, I really enjoyed this. You seemed to gain your style back as the work moved along, and I don't have anything else to say. Just that I hate you for leaving us here. What shall Rawley do?? I mean, Andrew doesn't know anything anyway!
Hope I helped even some xD Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Thanks Wolfare! I'll definitely fix the beginning, which I didn't like anyway, to what you recommended. Sorry if it's confusing, that's not good!
When Andrew mentioned "Heaven," that was a place that the guards had never heard of before, and it reminded Leigh somewhat of the word "heavy." Maybe putting quotations around "Heavy" will help?
I had mentioned Azlana a few times before, but I don't blame you for forgetting. Azlana is the valley or the town. Ordadus (which is mentioned here for the first time since the prologue) is the entire country.
I changed the beginning a lot, so please reread the first bit so you know what's going on.
Your advice was very helpful.
Hello!
You did a great job correcting this!
There are a couple of things that do not make sense to me, but that most likely has to do with the fact that I haven't read any other chapters.
Fantastic job, and keep writing! 

So, I've read @Biluata 's fabulous review, and I really couldn't find anything else!
~Snazzy
Stay Awesome
Thank you!

Hello there! Biluata to do this review and I have to warn you, it's going to be majorly long. Why? I ride a bus to school which has a 45 minute bus ride and I pre-loaded some pages of novel chapters so I have 45 minutes+ to write reviews for these four chapters I loaded, so yay for in depth reviews! We'll start with grammar and progression to the feels.
Okay, I didn't find many mistakes in this work, so I'll tell you what I found, Just so you know, I am no English major or anything so there is bound to be errors I didn't notice, so we might as well get started.
"Goosebumps peppered his exposed arms, and his tongue was feet were cold." The "was" between "tongue" and "feet" just didn't make sense, so I think you meant "and." Also, why is his tongue cold? That just seemed to come out of no where, so i would change that.
"Facing this strange, unknown world alone was so incredibly different." This is just a little nit pick. I would put a comma after "so" because this sentence makes your main character seem a little awestruck, so the comma happens naturally when you read it out loud and it would put emphasis on the "incredibly different."
"When Captain Rawley had struck Andrew’s head with the rifle." Again, a tiny nit pick. I would like, "the rifle" to be replaced with, "a rifle" because using "the" before the word "rifle" almost seems to make it seem like the only rifle, or a rifle with a personality.
Other than that, no spelling errors I found, or anything else. So now onto the feels! This is my favorite part actually, I love the emotions in this writing, so here's the plan. I will start with the lines I want more emotion in and then I will end with the lines that are really good and pack quite the punch emotion wise.
"He looked up at Tomas, who was riding on his left, and asked, like a child would, “Is this Heaven?” I like the child like feel of this, it is very good, and I'm going to try to be less picky about the feels, but maybe some more confusion and hurt in the following lines when the other guys are making fun of him?
"Andrew spotted a lone rider picking his way through the military camps, making his way towards them. His heart sank, for the faelk—aided by its long, sinewy legs as it climbed the final hill with herculean ease—had Captain Rawley on its back" - I really like this chunk, because, one, you had some really good descriptions all packed into this chunk, and two, your characters reaction to seeing the commander, good, very good.
I'm not going to do any more i don't think, but other than that the rest of this short is really good, the apprehension. I really should go back and read the other chapters, sorry, I know I'm not really qualified to review this, but you need the reviews to get out of the green room, so ta-da! Hope this was somewhat helpful.
Wow, thanks for this awesome review!
I like the way you've formatted this, for it is really helpful. What a wonderful way to spend your long bus rides! Don't worry about not reading the other chapters, for oftentimes getting a fresh reviewer's point of view is just as helpful.

And about that cold tongue nitpick... yeah that was a complete mistake! It was originally supposed to say "his tongue was dry" but then I changed it to "his feet were cold" to emphasize the weather. Ooops.
Thank you so much!!
BTW, I love your username, we share a common love, wolves!
Yes, go wolves!