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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

Belinda Cabbotry: Alter Number Three (PART 19)

by WillowCutz


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

"There was a key." Belinda told the Jogger. "Why?"

"To unlock his soul for god." The jogger smiled.

"I don't believe in souls or gods." Belinda said. "And you don't either."

"I never pinned you as an Atheist."

"When you spend eight years of your life around people who have been screwed over by a deity you can't see, you tend to see people as what they are. The miracle of trial and error, nothing else. So tell me the significance of the key. You've never let me find anything unless you wanted me to find something."

"And yet you believe in morality."

"I believe that it's the best survival mechanism is strong connections with other people. Why my key?"

"Your key?"

"Yes my key! The key to my storage unit. Why did you have it?"

"Officer, you must be mistaken. That is a key, but it is not yours. A better question would be why you have it." The jogger held his hand out as far as his handcuffs would allow. "May I?" Belinda handed him the key, but he set it down. "Your hands, may I see them."

"Why?" Belinda moved her hands off the table.

"I thought I recognized you, you know back when I murdered you. Why are you trying to trick me? Why did you want to die?"

"I didn't. I don't! What are you talking about?"

"Please let me see your hands."

Belinda slowly, cautiously put her hand in his.

"It is you. Why are you here? How are you here?"

"What are you talking about?"

Tobias rubbed his thumb across the heel of her hand, across a thin scar barely visible against her skin. He looked into her eyes softly without the usual sarcastic smile, but with a real normal smile.

The door slammed open and David rushed toward the table and pulled Belinda's hand back. "What are you doing here?" He yelled. "How on earth was this a good idea to you."

"Look." Belinda pointed at Tobias. He was staring at her, crying.

David stared angrily at him. "Don't come near her again." He told him.

Officer Richie stood by the door, his mouth shut. "No one is to talk to this man but me, is that clear." Richie nodded.

David escorted Belinda out, but she kept staring at the killer.

***

"What were you doing?" David asked her as they walked down the hall.

"Did you see that?" Belinda said, staring at the bottom of her cane as she walked. "He was crying."

"I'm so sorry I scared the man who tried to kill my girlfriend!" David yelled sarcastically.

"No, he was crying before you came in. He said something about me. Saying he knew it was me."

"So he's feeling guilty about killing you. He should the bas-"

"No!" Belinda yelled. David stopped and stared at her shocked. "This isn't a normal crackhead kid who murdered his friend over a piece of gum. This guy, is different. We need to take what he says at face value. If he says he recognizes me, there's something up. If he starts crying when he recognizes me, there's something seriously wrong."

"I can't let you back in there." David told her. "I can't."

"You have to."

"I don't! You're not a detective, right now you're a step above civilian and I can't let you put yourself in danger."

"David, you need me-"

"No I don't Belinda. Believe it or not I was a detective before I met you."

"And before you met me you would have let me back in there to talk to him because you know there is only one person who can get that information."

"And before you almost died, I would have let you. But right now you are a forensic scientist and that's it!"

"I'm not your property, David. I'm not even your wife, so stop telling me I can't do something!"

"Except I am your superior. So I can tell you and everyone that you aren't allowed that freak!"

Belinda rubbed her face and tried to say something, but she couldn't. So she pointed at him angrily, mouthed some words and marched away.

"You can't be angry at me for this!" David yelled at her.

"Cancel our dinner reservations!" She yelled. "I'm on vacation!"

David took a deep breath. Screaming internally he kicked the wall. He rubbed his foot and took another deep breath. He stomped back to the interrogation room.

"What did you say to her?" David yelled as he walked in.

"Detective, I'm about to take him ba-" Richie started.

"Shut up!" David slammed his hands on the table and glared at the jogger. "What did you say to her?"

"Detective, I don't think now is the best time to-"

"GET OUT!" David yelled. "It is my JOB to question this asshole, so GET OUT!"

"Calm down, Sylvester."

"Don't interfere Hampton!"

"Who is she?" The jogger interjected.

David glared at him.

"I assume she's your girlfriend from how angry you are." The jogger smiled. "Interesting, you get angrier when I say girlfriend. See right there, you tightened your fist."

"I'm warning you-"

"What an odd relationship you must have. Which one of you has commitment issues?"

"I wouldn't..." Richie warned. David pointed to the door. "Fine, I'll..." Richie left.

"You know nothing Flynn. Nothing about her, nothing about me-"

"May I see the ring?"

"What ring?"

"Your engagement ring, I can see it in your pocket there. May I?

David grunted and pulled out the box. He opened it for a second then put it back in his pocket.

"Immature." The killer rolled his eyes. "May I hold it?"

"No! Now tell me-"

"I'm not going to eat it." He insisted. "These handcuffs don't even reach that far. Just let me see it."

David sighed and handed him the box. He opened it and smiled, "Oh that is beautiful. Are these sapphires. Cause that is so dark. Like navy blue."

"Yeah." David held out his hand expectantly.

"You know sapphires are basically Rubies with a different trace element. Magnificent. This is so dark you might even consider it's a fake if you weren't too smart." He handed the box back. "If I were you I would have gone with something brighter, like a bright purple Amethyst. Or maybe a dark purple. To complement her eyes. Cheaper, but still a better effect-"

"Stop it!" David yelled. "You don't know her!"

"Sylvester, certainly even you are starting to doubt that."

"No! Whoever you think she is, she's not!"

"Then how did I know she has a thin scar on her wrist. Not even you knew that. You have to know where to look."

"How-?"

"I know, and that's all I'm allowed to say to you. Whoever you think she is, she's not. I love her, David."

"DON'T YOU TOUCH HER! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT HER! THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!"

"Why don't you ask her. I'm definitely sexier."

***

Belinda rushed down the hall past Emily. "Belinda?" Emily walked beside her. "Belinda are you okay? What happened?"

"J-juice leaf-f I lonely!" She stammered.

"You're not making any sense. Are you crying?"

Belinda rubbed her eyes.

"Belinda what happened?"

"I'm crying 'cause I'm angry!" She yelled. She tried to walk faster than Emily in a vain effort.

"Then why are you angry?"

"Bells!" David ran down the hall.

Belinda motioned to David.

"Bells, you need to talk to him."

"Well maybe I don't want to talk to him now." Belinda said with tears running down her cheeks.

"Bells..." David waved her closer and whispered in her ear.

"Fine." Belinda began to walk back down the hall.

"What did you say to her?" Emily asked.

"I told her we'd all go out for ice cream later."

***

"Oh, you brought your girlfriend back. I should be scared now, shouldn't I?" The Midnight Jogger giggled. "There it is. So angry aren't you?"

David frowned and motioned for Belinda to sit. Belinda tucked her hair behind her ear and sat down. David smiled. She was Melanie now, that was at least a little bit better.

Melanie watched the man for a second.

"You know me?" She decided.

"Not you. I've never met you before. Uh... Flynn." He held out his hand. Melanie shook it.

"Melanie Christe."

"DPD. That is interesting. Two people in one. So let me guess, you're the bad cop."

"No, that's David."

"Very true." He laughed. "So how does that work out? You and David."

"Don't answer." David warned.

"Not very well. Belinda is his girlfriend, and he simply refuses to see that scientifically we are the same person."

"Mel!" David yelled.

"What? It's true!"

"Interesting. It's no wonder he loves you two so much." Jogger winked at David.

"So what were you saying before?"

"If you are wondering whether your involvement with me is important." He tilted his head to look at David. "It's not. But it is nice to see you again."

"And I suppose some small part of me agrees. May ask what my name was?"

"It's not relevant to my case."

"It's relevant to me."

"Janice."

"I'm sorry," Emily interjected, "Who's Janice?"

"Is she your friend?" Jogger asked. He looked over Emily, who was standing back behind David. She folded her arms over her chest and looked away from him. "Does she work out? I've been looking for a new gym."

"Yes and she does. Emily, Janice is alter number three."

"Three?"

"Yes, realistically I should have more than two alters. I just would have thought that my alters would have better taste in guys. No offense."

"None taken."

"So that explains a lot, but why did you hide the key in a dead guy?" Emily asked.

"I was told to do that."

"By who?" Melanie asked.

"Sorry babe, classified.'

"What do you mean 'classified'?" Melanie implored.

"No," David intervened, "What do you mean by babe?"

The jogger rolled his eyes at David. "You have issues, man." He told David, then looked back at Melanie. "Look I have a boss, and he would rather not be found."

"Can you tell me what he does? How he employed you?"

"Not really." Jogger frowned.

"We could catch him."

"His followers will destroy me. Make my life miserable. That is something I can't allow to happen."

"What does he do? I mean on a basic level?" Melanie smiled.

"Uh... He collects deeds, if you will."

"Blackmail?" Emily asked.

"No, not like blackmail. More like he doesn't tell something to someone, and you do a few small things for him."

"So blackmail." David decided.

"No-"

"His 'followers' are really loyal enough to avenge him?" Melanie asked.

"Like I said, it's not blackmail exactly. It's more like a mandatory service. You do a few chores for him and when he says you're done, he destroys all evidence of your secret."

"Forever?" Melanie said raising her eyebrows.

"Forever. It's a great system. The chores you do erase someone else's secret. All it takes is a few participants, and that means all it takes is him connecting everyone."

"So you were the person who killed the people who knew secrets?" David asked.

"No. I entertained him."

"With murders." David insisted.

"With my plans. Planning, execution- pun intended- they entertain him. I used his resources to murder people, in return I got a reward."

"Why were you different?" Melanie asked.

"Really, Mel?" David scoffed, "That's what you're going to ask, not 'where is your reward now?'?"

"It's the same answer." Jogger interjected, he had lost his usual smile and laugh. "He picked me as his 'second in command' because my secret is for my own protection. In here is much better than out there where they can't find me. He theorizes that people will kill if their life is at stake. I did what I needed to do."

"Who are you hiding from?" Melanie asked.

"Worse people than the people in your 'justice' system."

"So you can't tell us anything about this guy!" David yelled.

"I would risk my life to not only half the city, but way more. So call me crazy, but I'd rather not."

"Thank you for your time, Tobias."

"Why are you thanking him? He gave us nothing!" David yelled.

"I'm thanking him, because he didn't give us nothing." Melanie told him.


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Sun Sep 27, 2015 9:08 am
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hey Willow!

#NaRevWriMo and happy review day!

I am back again to continue reviewing your novel like I always love doing. As usual, you have such a skill when it comes to writing a good mystery. I always find that so hard to do and to create an interesting plot around it. What I like so much about this one is how it is really related to Belinda as a main character and she herself is wrapped up in this mystery as well as this one being about other people too. I think how this one is unraveling is intriguing but I am going to admit this story confuses me a little in this chapter. I did like the way David reacted to everything and I did find that really believable. He hasn't been having too easy of a time lately.

I know, I mention this all the time but this chapter was basically speech and nothing else. I did need a bit more than that to keep me going. Although there are some actions it really sin't enough. I need more story to this. Maybe it is more script like but when reading it as a novel it shouldn't be like that. One thing that could really help with that could be setting. It's important and vital and we don't have nearly enough descriptions of anything here. I wasn't to be able to see the interrogation room clearly in my mind, know what the characters are wearing and imagine everything. But right now that is pretty hard for me to do.

This chapter seemed a bit unrealistic and that is completely unusual for you, because most times I believe that it could really happen easily. I just didn't buy it that when Tobias said he was in love with David's girlfriend all he did was scream at him. There wasn't a moment of doubt in his mind that they might have had a history of some sort that turned so sour that all he wanted to do was kill Belinda. He didn't wonder too much about how Tobias could know all this information. Nope, he just started yelling so much. I think maybe that would be an alright initial reaction as long as we get to see his thoughts and feelings about the matter which is more than just boiling anger (although there will be some of that too.)

One thing we need is a few more dialogue tags. I got confused as to who was speaking when, which made it hard to understand everything happening in this chapter. I assume that it is Belinda who has a third alter which is Janice who used to do things with Tobias in the past? I don't know, I am not too sure. I think that part generally needs more explaining as well. I am still not entirely sure what a third alter is, what Tobias and Belinda's connection is, and why he called himself Flynn to start off with. It didn't make sense to me which means it needs some more time and words to explain it :/

Okay nitpick time!

"How on earth was this a good idea to you."

"No one is to talk to this man but me, is that clear."


These are sentences that needed question marks and didn't have them.

"David, you need me -"


Okay, I liked the idea of cutting off this sentence. But seeing as they are dating it almost sounded like Belinda had switched into a girl who uses the fact that her man needs her as a reason for everything. But putting the word 'to' after the me implies that he needs her to do something in the interrogation and is a bit more specific. So yes, keep the sentence cut off, but do choose where to cut them carefully ;)

So I can tell you and everyone that you aren't allowed that freak!"


Are you missing the word 'near' after 'allowed'? I feel like some word is missing in that sentence around that area.

That's all I have to say for this chapter. It's a bit rough this one, but it is still good and has risen the stakes of this mystery a lot more. Yes, they have stopped the murderer but they have some relationship issues to solve now and also need to find the main boss if they possibly can. I am looking forward to finding out what Melanie could deduce from that interrogation.

Deanie x




WillowCutz says...


Too bad about finding out what she learned. Cause to be honest I totally lost it after this chapter. Like lost it. Sitting in my bed questioning everything lost it. So that's what Bells does. Whoops. (Working on rewrites again, hopefully)



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Wed Sep 02, 2015 2:45 pm
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artybirdy wrote a review...



Hello, I’m here to review! I have to say that I have not read your previous chapters. Therefore, my review will only focus on this one.

Belinda told the Jogger.

Later, you refer to the “Jogger” as Tobias. It might sound stupid, but I have to ask. What, or who’s, a Jogger? Is it a simply a term you created for your book?

Tobias knows Belinda and also cries seeing her fading scar. Does he feel guilty? He had murdered her but (somehow) she’s still alive. Is she immortal or what? Her other identity, Melinda (?), how did she take it on?

I understand that David’s overprotective but, for some reason, he comes across as overbearing to me. Perhaps, you need to add dialogue that shows his caring, soft side.

For example, something like: “I . . . I can’t lose you again, Bell. Please try to understand,” David whispered, cupping her cheek as his eyes softened.

That’ll make me like him. Right now, he’s yelling at her to listen to him and it almost feels like he’s controlling her. I feel as if he’s hiding something because of the way he reacts. But, I could be wrong. I’m glad Belinda talks back to him, showing that she’s not happy to put up with his orders.

"I know, and that's all I'm allowed to say to you. Whoever you think she is, she's not. I love her, David."

I found it creepy. If Tobias had loved her, why did he kill her? I love the mysterious atmosphere you’re building up. It’s certainly making me want to read ahead and find answers.
"DON'T YOU TOUCH HER! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT HER! THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!"

Instead of using capitalisation to show us his anger or emphasise a point, show it to us using words. It looks professional, consistent, and makes a lot of difference.

For example: “Don’t you touch her,” David said through gritted teeth as the anger swirled inside of him, creating an atomic bomb on the verge of exploding. “Don’t even think about her. That’s never going to happen.” Jealousy plunged his heart, tearing it into pieces.

Can you see? That makes us like David more, and hate Tobias for trying to come between them.

Belinda rubbed her eyes.

Here’s a good chance to give us an insight into her feelings and thoughts about the whole situation.

How did David know she was Melanie now? Who’s Flynn, and why’s Tobias introducing himself as him? How can Melinda and Belinda be two people in one? How’s that possible? And, there’s a Janice, too? That must be chaotic with conflicting thoughts, feelings, interests, beliefs, etc. If you have explained her alterations before, kindly ignore my questions.

"By who?" Melanie asked.
"Sorry babe, classified.'
"What do you mean 'classified'?" Melanie implored.
"No," David intervened, "What do you mean by babe?"

I must admit, that made me chuckle.

"I'm thanking him, because he didn't give us nothing." Melanie told him.

I felt as if it didn’t really flow. Try: Melanie looked at her boyfriend. “I’m thanking him because he told us everything.”

Great cliff-hanger! It’s definitely intrigued me.

Overall, this has a lot of potential. The plot’s unravelling nicely. The main thing you need to improve would be to give us an insight into the character’s feelings to help us connect to them, especially David’s.

Well done, and keep writing!

P.S. Please let me know if I helped you in any way. Thank you!




WillowCutz says...


Thanks for the advice. I'm currently updating it all into manuscript form, so I really can use all the tops I can get.

Also, because you asked, Belinda has Disossiative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities). The story is basically that Belinda has Sherlock Holmes sort of abilities, but lot,s of mental and physical disabilities. "Tobias" or "The Midnight Jogger" is a serial killer that,s been killing for the last week or so (and so much longer). He works for a "boss" who I mentioned, but I didn't get into the details here. Anyway he at the moment is in police custody because he killed Belinda in a hospital (hence she's alive).
Melanie is Belinda's alter or second personality, she's much ruder and intense, but also very independent. One of her subtle differneces is tucking her hair behind her ear, which is how David knows it's her and not Belinda. Janice is the "third alter" and I say that because no one is sure the jogger is telling the truth (he is, afterall, a killer).
Oh and I agree, I hate David. It's part of his charm, his overbearing/protective idiotness. But he also just witnessed his girlfriend die so... (Yeah I still kind of hate him too)

Sorry and thank you!



artybirdy says...


No need to say sorry, and thank you for clarifying everything. :)
You're welcome. I'm glad I could help.
Wow, you have planned the story incredibly well. It has certainly caught my interest. I'll see if I can read it from the beginning. :D




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