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Amnesia: Lost in the Dust (PART 11)

"She is driving me crazy!"

Emily rolled her eyes and continued to write up the forensics report, she was half listening, as she had been for the last two days of this.

"She has no respect for my privacy, no sense of order or taste. It's like she doesn't understand what quiet or work means."

Emily tapped her pencil against her chin.

"Seriously, as my best friend, you couldn't have found anyone better?"

Emily set down her report with a sigh. "You know Belinda's going to be back in five minutes, it was just a bathroom break."

"Hardly!" Veronica yelled. She had a normally loud and commanding voice, unlike the soft, compassionate voice she had her freshman year of college. "That girl gets distracted at the tiniest things. Just the other day, we sat down for dinner, two minutes in she gets up to pee. I didn't see her for an hour."

"Did you cook dinner?" Emily asked, biting the edge of her pen.

"Yeah, her doctor wants her on a more balanced diet. What are you trying to say?"

"Nothing. But I think Belinda was trying not to eat dinner with you."

"What makes you say that?"

Emily picked up the trashcan by the door and showed her the pile of candy wrappers sparkling in the bin. "Did you make meatloaf?"

"Yeah, I figured I'd ease her into the new diet. Why?" Veronica tucked a loose hair behind her ear.

"Belinda doesn't eat ground meat. She says it tastes funny."

Veronica sniffed, "Well if she talked to me I would know that!"

"Seriously, just down the hall." Emily said, nervously looking at the door.

"Her alarm went off for thirty minutes. Just 'Blaa! Blaaa! Blaa!' Over and over. I knocked on her door, to see if she could shut it off. And there she was snoring away, I swear, those locks are just decorative. And what was with that pile of clothes in front of the dresser? Does she understand anything about organization? I can't walk two feet without bumping into something!"

"She says her dresser is full of spiders." Emily whispered, "Now could you be quiet, I actually have a lot of work to do."

"Oh yes, your job examining dead people," Veronica said, standing up and pacing, "Must be so relaxing. No human interaction involved."

"Except for the murderers." Emily laughed.

"And that's another thing!" Veronica declared, "The way she puts you in the line of fire like that Avana guy. How could she-"

Veronica was interrupted by Belinda entering. She had a big goofy smile on her face. "You'll never guess what happened."

***

"Bells!" David called over, "Bells, can I talk to you for a second." David jogged up, his hair disheveled and a folder in his hand.

Belinda turned, swiftly tapping her can with her fingers. "If it's only a second."

"Oh, sorry, you have to pee. I'll ask you later." David began to turn around.

"No I can hold it, just tell me quick." Belinda eyed the folder with curiosity.

"Yes, it's a case." He handed her the folder.

"Oh the folder, so it's official, you want my opinion." Belinda smiled, outlining the edge of the folder with her finger.

"Actually I want you to visit the crime scene with me."

Belinda raised an eyebrow incredulously, "So it's a date."

"In a way."

"As in you're bringing friends, god a crime scene would be so romantic."

David stared at her wide smile for a second. "I really don't know if your kidding or not."

"Cheese, I'm kidding, now what's this case that's so important I have to see in in person?"

"There was a fire on Brickwood-"

"The mansion subdivision?" Belinda interrupted, opening the folder and glancing at the pictures.

"Yes, but one of the new houses, still in being built."

"This here says it was a suicide." Belinda pointed to the official report, signed by the fire department. "This isn't even an official case, this is just part of the filing system of the fire department."

"Yes, but it was weird. The fire was really big by the time the department got there, the entire roof caved in before they got it out."

"So, maybe the wood was dry, or the guy used an accelerant. He wanted to die, he would have made sure."

"I just think it's something we should look into." He said sincerely.

"I don't do fires, David. I do murders, you need to look in the arson department."

"They told me not to bother-"

"How did you even get this file?" She interrupted.

"What?"

"How did you get this, you wouldn't be putting so much effort into this if you weren't assigned it. Who gave you this case?"

"The chief, he said it wasn't high priority, but I think it is."

"And your other cases?" Belinda asked with an inquisitive eyebrow raise.

"I'll make up for it when this turns out to be murder."

"And he refuses to listen to simple logic." Belinda closed the folder and smiled, "Finally I'm starting to rub off on you."

***

"So it's not a case?" Emily decided, trying to block both of her friends out in order to finish her report.

"No of course it's a case." Belinda smiled, tearing the report from Emily's hand and tossing her her jacket. "And we get to visit the crime scene ASAP."

"Belinda," Veronica asked, with that annoyingly superior voice, "Don't you think it's a bit late to be visiting a crime scene. You two only have an hour on your shift left, you are asking your partner to go for un paid overtime-"

"No one asked your opinion, Veronica!" Belinda's nostrils flared up in anger.

"Can't we go tomorrow?" Emily asked, trying to disturb the tension without making Belinda angrier. "I still need to finish this report and we still have to check out Irene."

"Do you really want to do the autopsy on the 80 year-old crash victim?"

"Well, no, but then they start piling up and we get behind, and they start to smell-"

"BUT!" Belinda interrupted, "David got Ricky to do our last few bodies."

Emily threw her coat on, "I'm in."

"I'll just go home." Veronica said, throwing her own coat on.

"Don't cook." Belinda said hurrying out.

Veronica waved her hands at Belinda mutely, displaying a silent exclamation on her face that said: "SHE IS IMPOSSIBLE!"

Emily shrugged and held the door for her.

***

"Whoa you weren't kidds." Belinda said, jumping out of the passenger seat of David's car. The house was almost a three story manor, complete with a fountain and koi pond amongst the the dirt lawn. It was however scarred with black strips along the wood walls of the building, and the roof was completely caved in. "They totally trashed the place."

"Belinda, this isn't college kids having a party."

"Really? I wouldn't doubt it so quickly. My high school boyfriend drove a VW bus through a house once. Atrocious fire wouldn't be out of the question."

David glared at her.

"Fine." She said, looking around the dirt lawn. "Fine you're right, if it were a herd of wild ollege kids there'd be footprints in the dirt."

"Just try to keep an open mind." He held her free hand and led the girls into the building.

"I thought I was."

"Seriously Bells, I can't stand the idea of some lucky son of a-"

"Whoa!" Emily interjected, trying not to feel like a third wheel.

"Sorry, it's just that I have about two hours to find some sort of evidence to suggest that this wasn't an accident so we can actually get some investigating done and get this guy."

"Or girl." Belinda added. "So that's why you dragged me here. To get some super fast proof."

"Well...." David scratched at his forehead.

"It's fine." Belinda said, after watching him try to come up with some sort of excuse for abusing her ability. "As long as, if this is a murder, you don't just drop me off the case."

"No promises." David smiled opening the front door for them. Belinda walked in, releasing his hand at the door. But Emily stopped at the doorway.

"Are you sure this is safe?" She asked.

"Of course, you and Veronica will have her a safe distance from the investigation. If this is murder she'll be far from whoever this creep is."

"No I meant the building. Won't it collapse?"

"Oh!" David looked up at the burnt structure. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure." David began to guide her through the door, but she didn't move.

"But now that you mention it, are we sure Belinda should still be on this type of work with her..."

"Look." He whispered, "I trust Belinda, and I trust Melanie. If there was any reason to suspect that I couldn't, I would have told someone. Now let's go in, before she gets suspicious."

"You're just scared of her." Emily told him gravely.

"She's my girlfriend, of course I'm afraid of her."

"Good..." Emily bit her lip, "Are you afraid of me?"

"Uh..." David did a quick height comparison between him and her. "Yeah."

"Good."

***

"What do you see?" David asked Belinda as she stood with the tip of her pinkie mindlessly sitting in the corner of her mouth. She was staring at the inverted ceiling where the body was found, crushed under the weight of the wood infrastructure.

"Not much."

"Come on." He put a hand on her shoulder, "Use that freaky forensics power of yours."

"What do you think I've been doing?"

"And?"

"I don't see anything. I literally only see the same charred mass you're seeing." And it was true. Where Belinda was used to seeing thousands of white wire frames, moving around in her vision, she could only see broken wood and a thin layer of dust.

"Okay, well what do you need?" David's hand came into view and Belinda saw everything he'd touched in the last three hours. Half of which was her own hand.

"I don't know, I've never done an arson case. What is it supposed to look like?"

"You want me to tell you what I thought was odd about this fire?"

"Where's Emily?" Belinda asked, not really focusing on the ceiling rubble anymore.

"Checking around the building for any signs of forced entry."

"It's a building sight. Why would they have to force entry?"

"Fine, a struggle, anything off."

"Well that's pointless." Belinda muttered.

"Belinda." David whispered into her ear.

"Sorry," Belinda flinched as his lips touched her ear. "What do you find off?"

"Well, for one, the whole building went up before the Fire department even had a chance to get here." He was still whispering in her ear, giving himself an excuse to brush her hair behind her head and see her face.

"So there was an accelerant. Suicide looks more likely, did he have a history."

"Two attempts, both of which put him in therapy with top priority."

"But?"

"He has no connection to this house, no way he would know it was being built at all."

Belinda unconsciously twisted her hair around her finger, pulling it back over her face. "Pretty horrible way to die. Smoke inhalation, he'd be coughing up fumes to the moment he died." Then a thought hit Belinda. "Has anyone done his autopsy?"

"Yes, and they did find evidence of smoke inhalation."

"Suicide is looking really good right now, David."

"Yes, but there's one more thing. The top floor caught fire instantaneously. Way too fast."

"Now why would there be more accelerant on the top floor than around the body?"

David kissed her cheek. "Now you're thinking."

"There's nothing saying he didn't want the ceiling to cave in on him, to end the pain."

"But it might be enough to get us investigating his background."

Belinda looked back at the caved in ceiling. A small, fuzzy hand appeared in the rubble. One with a knife going back and forth across the wood.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Sun Mar 08, 2015 10:46 am

Hi Willow!

I am going to try to catch up with these chapters - honestly. I have been neglecting your novel for quite some time.

I didn't like this chapter as much as I have liked the others for just one key reason, but I will mention that later on. Let's start with the positives instead ;) I think what I liked most here was that we got to see some of Belinda and David's relationship when they are together and happy. So far I feel like the majority of what we have seen of them together has been negative or surrounding her illness. But here we have a show of their love for each other, and I liked it a lot. I also just generally liked Belina and Emily's characters in this one and they way they simply were. Sometimes there are small things about their characters that bother me, but this wasn't the case this time round.

I felt like there was a bit too much dialogue in this chapter, and that was pretty much the main reason I couldn't like this one as much as your other chapters. You are always a bit dialogue heavy but basically everything was speech this time round and it bothered me. Where was the imagery and description of setting? I had no idea what the house burned down looked like in the slightest and it bothered me. Also, when they were in Belinda's office trying to get some work done, I couldn't imagine them being there either. I wanted to be able to imagine where I was and that definitely lacked here, so take dialogue breaks for descriptions. Also, have the characters doing more. Explain movements and things like that because it would also be another break from dialogue that I wouldn't mind seeing more of.

She had a normally loud and commanding voice, unlike the soft, compassionate voice she had her freshman year of college.


I was confused as to why this mattered; it seemed to be pretty randomly thrown in to the chapter just to make a break. But if it is important in any way, make sure you explain how. What is it that happened to make her voice change. Did she learn that if you were soft and not commanding you were pushed over and taken advantage of or something?

Speaking of Veronica, her character bothered me so much. All she does in this chapter is whine and complain, and I found that to be utterly boring to read about. If she doesn't like the job and is so fed up with it, she should just quit. Or if she is in the job because she needs the money and still doesn't like it, then she should be quiet, grit her teeth and deal with it. Plenty of people are stuck in jobs they don't like because they need to supply for themselves. You don't see all of them complaining like that, and it was so rude for her to do it when Belinda was around as well. Honestly, that girl made me dislike this chapter all the more simply for having her in it >.>

I wasn't going to pull out all the comma splices, but that is something you really need to work on. Mis-using commas is your greatest punctuation issue, and there are plenty of articles online that can help you solve this issue. Which can make all the technical problems disappear so we can simply focus on the story!

"So it's not a case?" Emily decided, trying to block both of her friends out in order to finish her report.


I honestly couldn't understand Emily's reasoning here. If she wanted to block out her friends, why is she asking them questions? Asking questions which then require answers is not a way to stay focused on your work. It's a way to welcome people to distract you. So if you do want her asking, mention that she isn't trying to focus or something. It should be the opposite.

Looking forward to reading the next part of this mystery to see if there really is a case here (which I think there is!)

Deanie x

User avatar
Rosendorn
Review

Hello.

Haven't read any previous parts (or, if I have, I don't remember them). Just going off what I see here.

You have a massive case of talking heads, here.

Talking heads is when the dialogue is basically on its own, without anything to intersperse it. You've got non stop dialogue with some body language in there, but past that it's just people talking back and forth. You have some differentiation between people, so the characters are relatively well defined that way, but I don't really have a sense of the narrator, surroundings, or emotions going on in here.

Most of the emotion is delivered in "said tags", which describe how the words are spoken. You're not describing the body language behind "declared" or "exclaimed." Going through and unpacking the emotion with body language would make the characters much stronger, because we'd find out how they emote in particular. People emote differently, with people expressing anger or confusion or awe in multiple different ways. Lists such as this reveal just how differently people can express the same emotion, and I'd suggest looking at that list to get an idea how your characters emote.

You also have very little narrator reaction to this outburst, to the point I actually can't really tell who the narrator is. If you broke up the dialogue with pauses for what the narrator was feeling, we'd get a better idea of what's going on and a better connection with her. This connection is important to maintain even in later chapters, because we never truly stop characterizing.

Overall, your dialogue is good, but polish up what's around the dialogue, you'll be well on your way to something amazing.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

User avatar
ChimeraMania
Review

I know I wasn't with the story from the beginning so if there is something wrong with my review please let me know.

I think you should say Veronica's name when she talks the second time instead of the third because I thought Emily had actually replied when it was still Veronica.

"She says her dresser is full of spiders." Emily whispered, "Now could
Here instead of the comma after whispered and period after spider switch those. But now that I'm reading it that way I'm wondering which part she whispered. If the whispered 'she says her dresser is full of spiders'm then what I suggestions is best. Although, if she whispered the 'now could you....' move 'Emily whispered,' after that, but I doubt that's what you meant she whispered.

Here
see in in person?"
I think you mean 'see it in person?'

still in being built."
I think you mean 'still is being built.'

by the time the department got there,
I think you mean 'by the time the fire department got there,'
Honestly someone randomly can get confused on which department you mean.

Here..."Belinda," Veronica asked, with that annoyingly superior voice, "Don't you think...
If you chose the capitalize the D in Don't then it's better if you put a period after voice.

Here
they start piling up and
Instead of piling you need the word filling.

silent exclamation on her face
Not exclamation, I think the word expression would make it more accurate and sound better.

"Whoa you weren't kidds."
Okay I got confused for a split second. I know you mean kidding though. Seeing as I don't really know Emily's personality yet, I still feel it should be kidding.

The Koi pond, I bet that would be a lovely sight.

wild ollege kids
wild college kids

"You're just scared of her." Emily told him gravely.
"She's my girlfriend, of course I'm afraid of her."
"Good..." Emily bit her lip, "Are you afraid of me?"
"Uh..." David did a quick height comparison between him and her. "Yeah."
"Good."
LOL I like this part. It's, so far, the funniest I've read out of all of it.

Oh the ends sounds a bit creepy.

Okay well that was my review and all the mistakes I saw. The only part you really did give description to was the front of the building. I believe you could have described a little more than that. You could have described the building before it was burnt down and after.

Anyway, thanks for the story though, I'm actually really tuned in to it. I'm going to read the next chapter because I want to know what happened.



The brain is wider than the sky.
— Emily Dickenson