Belinda Cabbotry: A Different Perspective (PART 1)

by WillowCutz

Published January 25, 2014

12+ Violence

In Belinda Cabbotry

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Belinda Cabbotry held her head. Pain spread through her temple like an atomic bomb. Waves spread through her vision and suddenly the cane she was gripping leaned foreword and she collapsed in a heap on the dirty ground. Her normally jagged breathing turned to a fury of coughs and the taste of blood filled her mouth.

Relax Belinda, she reminded herself, Just lower your heart rate and you'll be fine.

Belinda closed her eyes and relaxed her muscles, allowing her lips to press against the cement floor. In her head she counted the seconds until her ears stopped ringing and the coughing cleared. By that point she heard the sound of sirens flare around her. She gasped and tapped the floor around her blindly for her cane.

Her warm hands closed around the cold metal pole after what seemed like hours. She slowly, but hastily, pulled herself off the ground. The coughing started up again, and she closed her eyes hard. She could hear the sirens growing louder, drowning out the sound of her leaning on her cane as she speed-walked out of the building.

With her spare hand she waved through the air trying to find the back exit. Suddenly her hand tapped something hard and warm. She squinted through the fuzzy light. Through the dim light of the warehouse she could make out the shape of a police uniform with a gun slowly lowering from her chest.

"There is a-" she coughed, "perf-ectly good explanation as to-" she coughed again, the warm blood dribbled down her chin.

"Sure there is." David said, then he turned to the door and waved a group of officers into the warehouse. "Fisher!" he yelled. "Please help Bellie out of the warehouse. We have enough to deal with without her going into a coma." After a second Belinda felt long arm scoot under her right shoulder and the two of them rushed out of the warehouse.

***

"Bellie Cabbotry!" Officer David Sylvester called out as the paramedics finished up their last inspection of her. She sat feet sticking out off the back of the ambulance. Her needle-like arms held an oxygen mask up to her face. Slowly a paramedic helped her out of the breathing apparatus so she could speak.

"How'd I do?" she asked, taking her pulse.

"You tell me." he said. She took a deep breath and rubbed her scalp. She concentrated as hard as she could, but only fuzzy images of Carlos the gang leader and his crew came up in her head. Fractured sentences ran across her mind, but besides that she could not remember the last five hours.

"Not much, but it seems like they underestimated me again." she scratched her head and tapped her earlobe rhythmically.

"This time." David pointed out, "Next time you might not be so lucky."

"Next time it'll probably be the seizure that gets to me first." she sighed. Her head drooped slightly and she leaned against the side of the ambulance.

"Well, we got the gang in custody. I don't know what you did, but you did a great service today." Belinda smiled and grazed his soft brown hair with her eyes.

"I always do."

"Yeah, well not anymore." she perked up slightly his brown eyes looked away from her. "The station wants to put you into early retirement."

"Very early retirement." she commented.

"They figured that with you, twenty-five is more than middle-aged."

"I still have a little kick in me." she sneered, "Just because I can't walk, eat, leave the house, or sleep without hourly super-" she stopped. "Okay they have a point."

"I know how much this job means to you Bellie, but if every day is going to end in an ambulance we're going to have to consider what all this exercise is doing to you." Belinda rolled her head around her neck. "They want you to stay in the forensics lab, where you belong."

"That's just their insurance companies talking. I am perfectly fine out in the field with the rest of you."

David frowned sympathetically. "You have been warned, Bellie. One more 'covert' operation like this and they're pad-locking the forensics lab."

"I pick locks." She muttered.

Five Months Later...

Emily Durkinger, pushed through the doors as quickly as possible. The rain beating down on her blue coat and her hair absorbing the water like a sponge. Just her luck to get assigned to the lab on the first rainy day in a month. She could smell the wet dust and static in the air. It made her sleepy just listening to the rain, working in it would be impossible.

She squeaked through the entrance, showing her brand new ID to the security guard and squeaking further down the hall. She was about to open the door to the lab, number 123, when she heard the sound of a rolling chair followed by a loud bang.

Emily sprang into the room, filled with confusion at what she saw. The lab was small, just big tiny enough for two tiny desks, one with all the standard lab equipment on it, and the other a mess with papers, lab equipment, various candy rappers, and medicine bottles. Sitting in front of the messy desk was a spindly young woman with greasy black hair and almost gray skin. She wore a lab coat over her blue sweatshirt and light jeans. Her cheap purple shoes were worn most at the outer sides and she was sitting in a rolling chair with a cane over her lap.

"Belinda Cabbotry!" she suddenly yelled.

"What?" the woman turned, revealing a sick looking face with dark blue eyes and a sort of gentle beauty. She looked to be about six foot, but it was hard to tell as she was bent foreword in a permanent question mark.

"Sorry, I do that sometimes." she cursed. "My name is Belinda Cabbotry."

"Emily Durkinger." Emily said nervously,

"I heard I was getting a new colleague today. I just didn't expect you to be so..." Belinda searched her head for the right word, but it refused to come, "Ribbit Rabbit." she supplied for herself hoping Emily would understand her.

"What?" Emily said, pulling her wet coat off and brushing her curly brown hair behind her head.

"I'm sorry, sometimes I forget words and I replace them with other words. If I'm not making sense feel American to tell me."

"American...free?" Belinda burst into a smile.

"Yes! Thank you!" Belinda spun herself in her chair. "I have a good feeling about you, Dentinger!"

"Durkinger." Emily corrected, pulling a clean lab coat off a rack by the door.

"Sorry." Belinda began to tap her cane in a five beat rhythm. "Say your name again."

"Uh, Emily Durkinger." she said feeling a little uncomfortable. Belinda stopped tapping and smiled.

"Memory technique." Belinda told her. "If I keep forgetting something a create a tune that will remind me when I hear it."

"Right," she said sitting down in her own spinning chair. "And your name is..."

"Belinda." she said calmly. "People call me Bellie, or Linda, or Sicky kid. I prefer Belinda though." Belinda noticed Emily squinting in concern at her. "Don't worry I'm not contagious. It's a genetic issue."

"No, you just look familiar. Belinda Cabbotry... weren't you the girl who snuck into the hide-out of that gang a few months ago?"

"Probably, I don't remember most of it. How did I do it?" Emily leaned back in her chair.

"You mean you have no idea how you caught the gang?" She shook her head.

"They won't tell me. They think it'll give me an argument to get back on the field."

"Why can't you get back in the-" Emily was interrupted with a wet-coughing fit from Belinda.

"I have-" she coughed, "A rare-disa-bili-ty." she cleared her throat again. Some blood dribbled out of the corner of her mouth. "Sorry. I used to let myself on the scene, but because of my coughing they don't want me out there on account of I might die."

"Good to know." Emily said watching Belinda with concerned interest.

"So tell me what happened with they gang five months ago!" Belinda said, her sick, teary eyes filling with excitement. Emily opened her mouth to answer, but before she could the door burst open. An officer with wavy brown hair and gentle brown eyes walked in. Behind him were two officers pushing a body bag on a rolling table.

"Bellie!" he said happily, as they other officers rolled the table in and left.

"What've you got, David?" she asked, taking a pair of rubber gloves out of her lab coat pocket and pulling them on.

"Hispanic, male, roughly thirty-one, murdered just down the street." she pulled her cane off her lap and positioned it over the scratched up height adjustment of the chair. She pumped the lever with a quivering pressure.

"How fresh?"

"Very."

She smiled.

"Good, that will make it easier and I'll be on the crime scene faster." David shook his head.

"No! Crime scenes leads to finding the killer on your own and that leads to ambulances." Belinda smiled.

"Worth a shot." she said. He was about to turn and leave when she suddenly shrieked out, "Wait! No hug?" he turned around smiling. She stretched out her thin, but long arm and he hugged her. After a second he turned his head and kissed her on the cheek.

Emily sat awkwardly in her chair, looking for a pair of gloves to pull on.

"Oh and this is Emily." Belinda said once David released her from his embrace. Her fingers tapped against her cane again.

"Nice to meet you." he said holding out a hand for her to shake, she stopped looking for latex gloves long enough to shake it. He had a firm grip, but a calm smile that screamed charming.

"This is David." Belinda said as he released Emily's hand.

"Your boyfriend?" Emily asked, looking past the handsome man. Belinda turned beet red and began coughing again.

"We-" she paused to cough, "Big raison!" she insisted. David smiled broadly, obviously enjoying Belinda's discomfort.

"Big raison." he smiled. "Well said, Bellie."

Flustered, she punched his arm as hard as she could, but she was so weak that it just bounced off of him. He smiled and patted her on the shoulder.

"Get out of here you big dork." she smiled.

"Fine." he sighed and left. Belinda stared at the zipper of the body bag for a second, then tossed Emily a pair of rubber gloves.

As Emily pulled them on, Belinda pulled the zipper gently down the length of the bag. "So you don't like David as much as he likes you?" Emily asked.

"I have my personal life." Belinda clarified, pulling her dark curtain of hair out of her face. "It would be best for you to keep me on an only work relationship."

"Sorry." Emily muttered.

"How familiar are you with forensic science?" Belinda asked pulling the bag open.

"I was the top of my class last year." Emily said attempting to open the crack between the zipper. Belinda tossed her arms in front of the bag, preventing her opening the bag. "What the heck, Belinda?"

"How much actual experience, is what I meant." Belinda's eyes observed her coldly, as if they were choking an answer out of Emily.

"Only what we did in class, it is my first day." Belinda shook her head.

"They don't teach any good techniques in those schools. Alright I'm going to have to teach you all over again." Emily stared at the disabled woman skeptically. "First step, we assemble rough picture of where the body was." she ducked under the table and pulled a orange-yellow folder and then pushed herself back to her desk. Somehow she managed to find a black sharpie, post-it notes, a roll of red yarn, and a box of push-pins amongst the mess.

She pulled a large picture out of the folder and pinned it to the wall. It was a young hispanic man lying face-down on a a desk next to a plug in keyboard for a PC. A bloody spot on the back of his neck. He had black curly hair and tan skin. He wore a white flannel shirt and and a tie loose around his neck.

"What am I supposed to be getting from this?" Emily asked, leaning back in her chair. Her curly hair falls back behind her shoulders.

"Look carefully, sometimes you see things you wouldn't have by just looking at the body."

"Like that he got hit in the head by a blunt object." Emily said shaking her head.

"Pathetic!" Belinda uncapped her marker and began circling things. "Now pay attention. I'm going to show you how to look at a crime scene without looking at a crime scene." Belinda drew a circle around a part of the desk with her pen and then dragged out a line onto the wall. Above her line she wrote, in chicken scratches and all Caps, the words "DUST BUILD-UP"

"Are you sure you should be writing on the wall?" Belinda ignored her and drew a line from a circle around a desk-top organizer and wrote "OCD." Then she drew a line from a spot on the keyboard "MISSING DELETE KEY"

"I'll paint it over later. I just need an organizer for my long-term memory." she said writing a note on the way far side of the wall. "OCD ~> D B-UP"

"Why are we doing this?" Emily asked, leaning farther back in her chair.

"Why am I doing this." Belinda corrected as she pushed herself off the wall to the body bag. Quickly, as if afraid it was going to get up and walk away, she unzipped it. He was thin with curly hair and a slight mustache. He was still wearing the same white shirt as the picture and his endlessly staring eyes seemed to make the room colder. "Lift him up so I can get to the neck."

"Why?" Emily said nervously, still remembering the cold feeling she got from touching dead flesh.

"Just do it!" Belinda snapped, and rolled herself back to her desk. She grabbed a pair of tweezers and rolled back. Emily grabbed his cold shoulders and lifted the dead weight up so Belinda could see his neck.

Belinda delicately pushed her tweezers into the bloody hole in his neck and twirled them around until she hit a small solid object. She fished it out and Emily put the body down.

"Is that a computer key?" Emily asked, looking at the plastic square.

Belinda nodded and set it down on the man's chest. "This man was hit in the neck with his own keyboard."

"Amazing." Emily said, trying not to mention that it was Belinda's insistence on looking at the crime scene first that led them to discover the key.

"Makes our job easier, now we just need a culprit and we'll be done." Belinda pulled her gloves off and scribbled something on a post-it note.

"Isn't that the detectives' job?" But Belinda wouldn't acknowledge her question.

***

"Night." Emily said as Belinda hobbled off, leaning heavily on her cane.

"Not free." Belinda yelled back down the hall. Bye, Emily clarified in her head.

Unlike Belinda, Emily was in no hurry to leave the police station. She knew it'd be raining cats and dogs out there, and she wasn't quite ready to get her hair wet again. So she slowly pulled her rain coat on and wiped down her work station with a wet paper towel.

The door opened behind her, and David walked back in. Emily looked up.

"Is Bellie still around?" he asked.

"She just left." he nodded.

"Well could you pick up the forensics report from her house?" Emily frowned.

"Didn't she give it to you on her way out?"

"She forgets sometimes, where do you live?" Emily threw away her paper towel.

"On Pod road." David thought for a second.

"Her house is on the way."

"Can't you do it?" she asked, she wasn't eager to find out where her new colleague lived.

"She'd never give it to me, and I have to pick up my son for his piano lesson."

"Your son?" Emily frowned.

"Yeah, I'm not cheating on his mom or anything." He defended, "She left me with him... Could you just pick up the file?" Emily nodded reluctantly.

"Where does she live?"

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
birk
Review
birk wrote a review Review · Jul 27, 2014

Hey Willow!

Well, I've been looking for a new series to follow, and seeing as I quite liked this, I think I just found it. I'm quite a slow, methodical reviewer though, so I can't say I'll get to it all at once.

The reason I chose this series is because your main character really appeals to me. I see that you've written previous series which were a play on Sherlock Holmes, these new works seem to have a lot more potential though. At least to me.

The prospect of this young woman who is riddled with a disease that causes her body and mind to appear older than it is (I'm hoping you expand on this in later chapters, it's really important), is really interesting.

I already feel like I got some nice insight into her work life, how she acts, as well as some history with this officer David fella. That's good. Some other things that I would expect to learn more of later is, obviously, her personal life, her background and perhaps most of all; more about how she looks. Right now I can't really visualize her. That will all come though.

Reading through this first chapter, I did notice several things that I could bring up. Chiefly among them would be small grammatical errors and dialogue issues.

A lot of places you have issues with commas. In some areas there are commas where there shouldn't be one, and in others there aren't commas where there should be commas. In addition to this, especially towars the end, your paragraphs grew apart and there was a bit too much air between them. Towards the end there were a lot of single lines. Not too big of a deal, I just try to avoid them as much as I can. ;)

Lastly, what probably stood out the most to me was your dialogue tags. A lot of the time, you follow up your dialogue with actions belonging to a different character than who was just speaking. Which is okay, but you'd want the dialogue tag to indicate who's talking first. They can all be fixed up with a quick edit though. Other than that, I very much liked the dialogue in all of this. I'll get back to this later.

There were quite a few places here I could reflect on, but I'll only stick to certain examples. I won't bring up every single one.

Alright then, I'll just write as I go along;

Edit

Relax Belinda , she reminded herself, just lower your heart rate and you'll be fine.
This line would look a lot better if her thoughts were italized. I also decapitalized the 'J' in 'just'.

Suggestion
She slowly, but hastily, pushed herself off the ground.

That would be pushed, right?

With her spare hand she waved through the air trying to find the back exit.

In this entire following paragraph you make it out as if she's having big trouble seeing. Yet, she is speed-walking out of the building?

the shape of a police uniform with a gun slowly lowering from her chest.

I would appreaciate some background about what actually went down back there. Seeing as she's doing these missions on her own, without them knowing. How did they know she was there? And how did she take down this gang who were apparently so dangerous that the Officer felt the need to come in guns blazing?

I just want more background. ;)

Edit
After a second Belinda felt a long arm scoot under her right shoulder
Forgot a word.

Edit
She sat, feet sticking out off the back of the ambulance.

This is one instance where you could do with a comma. Alternatively; 'She sat with feet sticking out of the back of the ambulance.'

Edit
Slowly, a paramedic helped her out of the breathing apparatus so she could speak.
A comma would totally go well here too. I'm not going to bring up more examples at this point. If you're unsure whether a sentence needs a comma, just try saying it out loud. If you use a pause at some point, that's your comma. ;)

Belinda smiled and grazed his soft brown hair with her eyes.

Wait, how does she graze his hair with her eyes?

Edit
"Yeah, well not anymore." she perked up slightly while his brown eyes looked away from her.
This sentence lacked something. It seemed like two seperate sentences, and a simple added word fixed that.

However, this is where your issues with dialogue tags begin. There's two dialogues after one another within this paragraph, yet you don't mention that it's David who's talking. Now, right after this you have Belinda commenting and there you use a good dialogue tag.

While dialogue tags aren't always necessary when there's only two people in the scene, you'd still want to keep the reader on track as to who is doing what. This was a short one, but later there are longer gaps which can muck up the process.

In this case, a simple addition would suffice; "Yeah, well not anymore." He said, and she perked up slightly while his brown eyes looked away from her. "The station wants to put you into early retirement."

"They figured that with you, twenty-five is more than middle-aged."

I really liked the way you brought her age into it. I'm also liking her character more and more. I also like David's reasonings right after this. It's good dialogue.

"I pick locks." She muttered.

Yup, I'm really liking this character. However, I'd try to fade the scene out a bit better here. Perhaps having him finish the conversation and then walk away, leading her to say this to herself?

Five Months Later...

This could easily have been put in bold text and then centered. It would look a lot better. The ellipses are not necessary though.

Emily Durkinger, pushed through the doors as quickly as possible.

Drop the comma.

Edit
The rain was beating down on her blue coat and her hair absorbed the water like a sponge.
Forgot another word. And I changed a tense.

It made her sleepy just listening to the rain, working in it would be impossible.
I see you don't use a lot of semicolons. They are great though, and you could totally switch this comma out for one. ;)

Edit
The lab was small, just big tiny enough for two tiny desks,
This word snuck in. Quick error.

"American...free?" Belinda burst into a smile.

Hah, I'm really enjoyed her character so far. Again though, here the dialogue tag is wrong. It is clearly Emily who is talking, yet right after the dialogue you mention Belinda. It gets confusing.

"Probably, I don't remember most of it. How did I do it?" Emily leaned back in her chair.

"You mean you have no idea how you caught the gang?" She shook her head.
Again here, it's like both of these tags have been switched up. It happens more after this as well, but I'll leave it at that.

Edit
She stretched out her thin, but long arms and he hugged her.
Plural, right? :D

"Big raison."

I'm not sure I get what this means. Inside joke?

Edit
Belinda tossed her arms in front of the bag, preventing her opening the bag. "What the heck, Emily?"
I'm sure there was a name switch up here. Unless she was talking to herself? Just a hasty error.

Alright, after this, it's all good. The ending conversation between Emily and David was a bit weird, especially when he brought up his wife and promised he wasn't cheating on her or anything. Odd.

There are a few more issues, but those are just repeats of what I have already brought up.

All in all, this was pretty good. I really like this character you're writing. She's persistent, funny, knows her way around a crimescene and has a smart edge. The crime scene photo which she totally tears apart is quite good and the murder was kind of original.

So far, your other characters are okay, but I'll need to see more of them. Belinda is pretty much the best thing in this piece. I'm hoping the story gets even more interesting in the following chapters. I know she changes cases at some point, so I know I'll be getting a resolution.

I'll be back for the latter chapters as soon as I can.

Keep it up, Willow!



Cheers
Birkhoff

User avatar
Hannah
Review
Hannah wrote a review Review · May 25, 2014

Willow! It's about time I get to some of your writing.
I'm starting from chapter one so I can work my way through to the last chapters and get this outta the Green Room once and for all~

Let's get right down to it~

"Yeah, well not anymore." she perked up slightly his brown eyes looked away from her.


Be careful of sentences like these. You've actually got two sentences squished into one for no reason. You should write "She perked up slightly. His brown eyes looked away from her." I understand you wanna get all your information across to the reader, but don't rush quite so much! (: Let us take our time with your awesome writing.

"I'm sorry, sometimes I forget words and I replace them with other words. If I'm not making sense feel American to tell me."

"American...free?" Belinda burst into a smile.


Ahahaaha, that's a beautiful character quirk. I like it because it brings in a sense of poetry (I like poetry, man), but be careful as you write this because not all readers might be able to figure out the same associations from the words, and that could alienate them, yeah?! It's a good way to show Belinda's character, of course, but consider all the strengths and weaknesses!

"Is Bellie still around?" he asked.

"She just left." he nodded.


Oh no~ When you have two characters having dialogue, try to put their actions with their speech. We generally apply the following description as a substitution for "he said" or "she said", so when I see "he nodded" after "She just left", it makes me feel like David is the one saying that, and I get all confused the entire way through this last bit of dialogue to the end.

Last comment: I don't believe David would feel like he'd have to defend himself ("I'm not cheating on his mom or anything") to someone he'd just met that day. That's not realistic!

In general, I love the unique main character you've got going on. I'm interested in finding out what her disability is, but in the mean time, I like seeing something other than an able-bodied attractive character with all the brains, yeah!? Nice thoughts~

PM me with any questions/comments about my review, or leave a reply here.
I'm moving on to the next chapters~

Hannah

budding writer wrote a review Review · May 25, 2014

Hey there!
Budding writer here for a quick review! I'll start from the beginning.

NITPICKS:
"Waves spread through her vision and suddenly the cane she was gripping leaned foreword "
Should have been "forward"

""How'd I do?" she asked, taking her pulse."
This kinda implies that Belinda herself was doing that. You need to change it abit

"It made her sleepy just listening to the rain, working in it would be impossible."
Separate it into two separate sentences

Theses were all I could find after a quick look through. But great story I really loved it! I am going to read the next chapters now. Great description of the characters and I loved the way how you did "show" instead of "tell". Specially likes Belinda.!

-Budding writer

But she was taking her own pulse.

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Jan 26, 2014

Hey Willow,

So I decided I would try this. It seems interesting and I like the name choices you've made. I mean first names and last names for all three of the main characters. Just don't make it too similar to Sheridan and Eli. From what I've seen so far I could match up Lestrade as David, Belinda as Sheri and Eli as Emily. I know they are different character wise but hmm... make it different!

It was quite confusing at the beginning trying to figure out if Belinda was blind because she had a cane. I realised she wasn't and that she had some other disease. And then later on you mentioned that she has a rare disease but you didn't tell me what it was! I want to knowwww. Also, it was the perfect opportunity because it would awesome to know her limitations and so on.

What did happen that night with the gangs? I would like to know; it could tell us a lot more about Belinda's capabilities.

The coughing started up again, and she closed her eyes hard.


It must be difficult to close your eyes hard. Do you mean she scrunched up her eyes tightly?

Yeah, well not anymore." she perked up slightly his brown eyes looked away from her. "The station wants to put you into early retirement."


When someone perks up it's usually because of something positive. Also, the line in between the speech needs to be cut up or separated by a conjunction. It's like two sentences stuck together. How about... she straightened up slightly as his brown eyes looked away from her?

"What?" the woman turned, revealing a sick looking face with dark


I already mentioned this in Sheridan Holmes, but since you're still making this mistake I thought I should re-mention it. I really confused when I'm trying to figure out who is speaking. I know that in this case Emily says what and the person referred to as 'the woman' is Belinda. So, if you keep it as it is, I read it as the woman saying what... which wouldn't be right. If someone says something and a different person follows up with an action of some sort, you need to start a new paragraph! Another example would be here:

She forgets sometimes, where do you live?" Emily threw away her paper towel.

"On Pod road." David thought for a second.

"Her house is on the way."


I thought David was saying he lived on Pod Road, but in fact I think you meant Emily. So in this case again you would need a new paragraph.

I saw it twice in this chapter... but I think you are getting forwards and foreword mixed up. A foreword is an introduction to a book or film or something. Forwards is the one you mean :)

"If I keep forgetting something a create a tune that will remind me when I hear it."


Nitpicking... If I keep forgetting something I create a tune...

I'm still unsure about how I feel with Belinda replacing words she can't think of with random ones? I think I still need Belinda to grow as a character on me. But it was a pretty good opening chapter. I'm off to read the next part :) Also, why do you never post as a novel chapter? In the end you just string them all together so technically it is one.

Deanie x

Novels are more daunting, to me and potential readers.

User avatar
KnightTeen
Review
KnightTeen wrote a review Review · Jan 26, 2014

So...When are you going to write more Sheridan?

When?
When?
When?

I'm sorry, but I just finished watching the third season of Sherlock and in my desperation for more I have started watching *gasps in humiliation* Elementary. I'm so ashamed.

I'm actually thinking of writing a Sherlock fanfic, once I completely edit and post my X-Men one. So if you've got any tips or tricks you wouldn't mind sharing with me, send them my way.

But enough about Sheri.

Now we are here for, Belinda, is it?

On with the review.

Belinda Cabbotry held her head. Pain spread through her temple like an atomic bomb.


I feel like that frequently.

This really could be one sentence, if you exchanged the period for a comma and switched 'spread' out for, 'spreading'.

Waves spread through her vision...


I don't think it's such a good idea to repeat the same verb so close together.

....the cane she was gripping leaned foreword...


I'm not entirely sure how the cane leaned.


Emily Durkinger, pushed through the doors as quickly as possible.


You don't need the comma.

The rain was beating down on her blue coat and her hair was absorbing the water like a sponge.


I think that you need to say "was" here in both instances. I put it in the sentence to show you what I mean.

..as they other officers...


Don't need the 'y'.

This woman reminds me of Temperance Bones. TV show/book, very lovely forensic anthropologist. The only difference is Bellie is younger, and sicker.


So far, I like it. I have to admit that I think Emily is a little dumb, but what can you do? The don't teach instinct in schools. That's why I don't go.

Belinda is...interesting to say the least. I'm currently working with a set of disabled characters myself, so it's nice to see someone else's take on them.

Um...I can't really get any indication on plot from just the first chapter, but so far I like it and if my gut is right then it's going to be really good.

So, I'll see you later.

Cheese, I'm getting to writing "Russia" it's just, how do I one-up Moffat and Gatiss's "The Empty Hearse" I really wanted to focus on this for a while, so it depends on when I decide on how they meet up again.

As for writing a Sherlock Fanfiction, i emphasize the actual crime part of it. He is a detective. And I also recommend the childlike qualities, I picked teenager qualities, but Holmes has always struck me as a very smart child. As for writing murders, that's more of an instinct for me by now, but I tend to think of where i want to put Sheri, what body she would be capable of finding, what choice of weapon would be the easiest to not attract attention, what murders i haven't done yet, then I decide what happened while I'm writing it. I take some time to think about how exactly the body got there. Take the yarn lady case, originally all I had was a yarn shop and a dead old lady. Deciding that a gun shot would attract too much attention I decided on a more gruesome injury, the only issue was the placement of the body. I had it placed in a corner, if my victim had been stabbed in the back the criminal would have had to stand right against the wall, which I doubted the opportunity of. So then an idea popped into my head leading to what you have already read. Like I said it's hard to explain my method and have that be suitable for you. Some authors prefer to write the ending and then the beginning (I find this to be boring), others plot it out and then write it (but that leaves little elasticity and room for change).

Cheese, I'm getting to writing "Russia" it's just, how do I one-up Moffat and Gatiss's "The Empty Hearse" I really wanted to focus on this for a while, so it depends on when I decide on how they meet up again.

As for writing a Sherlock Fanfiction, i emphasize the actual crime part of it. He is a detective. And I also recommend the childlike qualities, I picked teenager qualities, but Holmes has always struck me as a very smart child. As for writing murders, that's more of an instinct for me by now, but I tend to think of where i want to put Sheri, what body she would be capable of finding, what choice of weapon would be the easiest to not attract attention, what murders i haven't done yet, then I decide what happened while I'm writing it. I take some time to think about how exactly the body got there. Take the yarn lady case, originally all I had was a yarn shop and a dead old lady. Deciding that a gun shot would attract too much attention I decided on a more gruesome injury, the only issue was the placement of the body. I had it placed in a corner, if my victim had been stabbed in the back the criminal would have had to stand right against the wall, which I doubted the opportunity of. So then an idea popped into my head leading to what you have already read. Like I said it's hard to explain my method and have that be suitable for you. Some authors prefer to write the ending and then the beginning (I find this to be boring), others plot it out and then write it (but that leaves little elasticity and room for change).

Whoops hit reply twice, (silly cat, I'm typing can't pet you right now) as for this series, I am leading into some fun ideas, I promise. Right now I'm introducing you guys to some of the main points, so bear with me. (Is that the right bear? Homonyms.....)

User avatar
Crookshanks
Review
Crookshanks wrote a review Review · Jan 25, 2014

Hello there :)

So I liked this a lot, actually! It was a fresh idea and your writing did an amazing job of capturing my attention, especially with such an interesting opening scene. You did a wonderful job at introducing the characters and they all seem so realistic and unique -- great work there. I'm especially nervous and excited to see just what it is that is going on with Belinda/Bellie.

I had a few qualms, however. Firstly, I'm honestly confused as to why Belinda and David let Emily know so much about them right off the bat; for example, why David jumped right to explaining that he wasn't cheating on his wife, when his hug and short kiss on the cheek with Belinda honestly didn't even imply cheating at all. If anything, it seemed more friendly than it did romantic. It was just a little unclear. I didn't understand how Emily deduced that David was more interested in Belinda than she was with him, because as a reader, it appeared to me that they were just honest-to-god platonic friends. However, maybe I just missed something.

Also, as much as I love the unique little phrases Belinda throws into conversation as codes for other words, I just want to point out that you should make sure that you're using codes that all your readers will be able to know and understand, because otherwise you're going to be completely confuse everyone. Otherwise, I really love that quirk of Belinda's.

Anyways, I really liked this a lot and I hope to see more of this story in the future and find out what really happened when Belinda took down that gang! Really great concept you have here.

I hope I was able to help a little and if you need anything else, let me know.

xoxo Crookshanks

Thanks, I know I really need to work on my realistic romances. (Not my area).

Thanks, I know I really need to work on my realistic romances. (Not my area).



i think. i want to become. something.
— chrysanthemumcentury