16+

Belinda Cabbotry: The Midnight Jogger and Fire (PART 16)

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Alfie whistled as another girl walked by. She looked back at the four of them with a raised eyebrow, then noticing that Alfie was looking at the low cut of her tank top, she sneered and kept walking. He smiled with the cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

Alfie passed the cigarette pack to Daniel, and Daniel took a new one, lit it and blew out a ring of smoke.

"Yo how you do that?" Zee asked him.

"Trade secret." He told him, puffing out smoke.

"So this dude really just left you two g's for pissing your pants?" Marcus asked, "Cuz I could take up that as a career."

"Ew. And it was a chic, a smokin' hot chic, with a tight skirt."

"And this doctor babe he sent to your apartment?" Zee asked.

"What about 'er?"

"Dude, the freak just sends you two chics. Who just has two on hand to send to random dudes on the street? Dude's got to be some sort of pimp." Marcus chimed in.

"And why would 'some sort of pimp' just send two babes to me?"

Marcus shrugged his huge shoulders. "Gotta have gay prostitutes too."

"Yeah, just one problem. I'm not exactly fabulous, what kind of messed up shit are you thinking with?" For a tree of a guy, Marcus's head didn't have the same strength.

"Male prostitutes too." Alfie defended.

Dan shook his head, "No this chic said she was paying some sort of debt. But seriously, I'm never gonna meet with this Chris guy, so it doesn't matter."

"You sure?" Zee asked, a joint in his fingers, "He already knows where you live."

"Just chill." Dan said, puffing out smoke. "The guy gave me half of five grand, told me not to blow it, I'm buying a plane ticket to stay at my sis's for a while. Then I'll be back to sitting here with you and a grand's worth of joints in no time."

"I wouldn't be so sure." The boys looked up as a tall black haired woman in a fancy beige skirt and jacket and thick expensive heels. She had big Coach sunglasses and bright red lips. "Daniel, I presume."

"Danny K. the very same." He said smiling flirtatiously. She was pretty hot from where he was sitting. Alfie punched him lightly on the shoulder as if to say "Lucky jerk!"

"My employer wants to meet with you." She motioned him forward. "Alone."

"See the thing is..." Daniel breathed in his cigarette smoke again, "I don't plan on meeting with him."

"Okay." She smiled.

"Kay?"

"Kay kay," she reached into her purse and grabbed her phone, "I'll just tell him you had no interest in finding out about Susan."

Daniel swallowed and lowered his cigarette.

"Oh, are you ready to see him now?"

Daniel nodded. "Dude?" Alfie asked as Daniel stood up.

"I'll be a while." He followed the woman to a black SUV, they got into the back and the driver started the car up.

"Daniel." The woman smiled and crossed her legs like a victorian lady. "My name is Christen Lindy."

"You're the big guy?"

"In all senses yes."

Daniel shook that comment off, "What do you want?"

She scratched her nose and shrugged, "I'm a trader."

"What like a drug dealer? Is this about drugs?" Daniel rubbed his hands along his pants nervously.

"No, more like a trader of deeds."

There was a long pause. Confused, Daniel asked cautiously "What kind of deeds?"

"Well, I don't say things, and in return, people do things for me. Like the doctor I sent you. I don't mention to the police her aiding suicides and she helps me out no questions asked."

She pulled out a tube of lipstick. "For some people it's more serious."

"So you blackmail."

"Heavens no." She grabbed his hand, and he tried to twist out of her grip. "Relax, I'm not going to hurt you." He stopped struggling and she rubbed her thumb across his palm. It was cold and Daniel felt the last of what he could call personal space in this strange car disappear. "How does that feel? I've always had an issue feeling things."

"It feels weird."

"Good weird or bad weird." She smiled, but it was hard to tell why with the sunglasses. Was it a flirtatious smile, or was it a smile that was enjoying his discomfort. Certainly with his track record with girls there hadn't been a difference between the two smiles.

"Good weird?"

"Good, now in my business each piece of information is carefully weighed for correct payment. For instance this doctor's secret was worth twenty ticks- that's about twenty small favors- I calculate that the doctor should preform twenty unorthodox procedures, no questions asked, then her secret disappears forever. A petty blackmailer would never let a secret go, and that's where I have my differences. You, however, I have big plans for." She let his hand go and uncapped the lipstick. "My second in command, by a huge gap a assure you."

"Second in command?"

She touched his chin and kissed him on the cheek. Then whispered, "I have so much on you. Most people's blackmail only last a few years, but you... Susan is looking for you." David swallowed again. She drew a heart around the lipstick mark on his cheek.

"You won't tell her where I am. Will you?" Daniel felt the scars on his back grow hot just by the mention of her name.

"No." She smiled. "But I will require some services from you."

"What kind of services."

She leaned back into her seat, she held his hand with both hands. "Now keep in mind, along with protection from Susan, I promise these errands will almost never endanger you."

"What errands?"

"We'll get into the specifics later. Just, for now, I'll contact you soon. Also this meeting with me didn't happen." Chris kissed his hand, tied her hair into a ponytail, and had the driver stop at his apartment. "Toodles, cutie."

When the car was gone, he shivered and tried to rub the lipstick off his cheek and hand.

***

Belinda sat at the bed side of Sylvia Evans, watching the hospital sheets rise and fall with the beeps of the heart monitor. Belinda could only imagine what she looked like before, she probably had long blonde hair, a tanning booth tan, and she probably did a lot of running. Right now she was bald with patches of body without skin at all.

She was healing since the fire. She had tubes in every hole of her body and the skin grafts were set in enough so they could wake her up tomorrow without being in the worst kind of pain. But it still wasn't fun to watch.

Belinda muttered under her breath. "What do you know? You were a Cashier at Walmart. You had lunch with a friend, bought new headphones after work, found a dollar on the street, went home, ate some leftovers, but who did you see? Who killed you? And why? There has to be a reason. What did you do?"

"You a friend of Sylvia's?" A dark man in a T-shirt and jeans with tears in his eyes approached. He had thick biceps and skin so black you could barely tell the pupils of his eyes from his skin.

"Ah, no." Belinda held a hand up for him to shake as he walked closer and loomed above her. "Officer Cabbotry, I'm working her case."

"I didn't know she was being woken up today." Belinda eyed the guy, he had suddenly become far more interesting than the drugged up victim. He watched her, out of the corner of his eye like she reminded him of something, but he didn't want her to know until he was sure what it was.

"No, I'm a forensics scientist. Me and Detective Sylvester were hoping to learn something important by coming to visit her, but nothing so far. Are you her boyfriend?"

"Yeah. I just can't believe this happened, she was just so..." He touched her hand.

"We're very sorry, if it helps, she's the first victim to survive."

He smiled, revealing the tips of his pearly white canines. "Oh that's Syl, always stronger than she looks."

"You know what else?" Belinda asked cautiously.

"What?"

"She didn't have a boyfriend."

His smile widened, a wild glint in his eyes, and Belinda smiled back proudly. He looked like a wolf, his smooth muscles and his intelligent smile. He walked closer slowly, like a dog approaching it's trapped prey. He slipped his left hand into a rubber glove that had been sitting on the table close by.

"Oh how I wish you hadn't said that." The Midnight Jogger said with a hint of sarcasm. He was waiting for her to say it. Hoping she knew, hoping for a chance to do this.

Belinda was still, all she could do was watch. Her mind was blank and she couldn't even process what was happening, let alone be afraid. His gloved hand slowly brushed against her neck. The jogger smiled as he watched her absently smiling face. Then his fingers slowly closed around her throat, choking the woman who wasn't really there. Belinda wheezed as her windpipe desperately tried to grab breaths. Her head lolled to the side after a second.

David, who had just made it back into the room in time to watch his girlfriend take her last breath, leaped onto the murderer. The jogger, released the already dead Belinda and grasped his own throat as David clenched his fingers around his throat. "NURSE! NURSE! HELP!" He yelled. He pulled the man to the ground and thrusted his thumbs into his esophagus. And if the security guard had not come in and mistaken him for the murderer, he would have killed him. They dragged him out of the room, away from the fainted jogger and away from Belinda as they tried to restart her heart.

He stopped fighting the guard out in the hall and allowed him to take him as he explained through sobs who he was and what had happened. "Please, Please, just please take me back." The security guard agreed and took him back to the burn unit where Belinda was lying on the floor surrounded by two doctors pushing down on her chest. David watched in silence, his mouth wide open.

She was grayer than usual. There was a smile on her face like she was still alive, and her a bright red ribbon of flesh around her neck where the jogger had choked her. Then one of the doctors stopped the other and David fell to the ground and clutched his eyes. He thought, This is it. She can't be brought back. She's gone. I always knew that she'd... But not now...

David looked up again, but one of the doctors wasn't there anymore. He ran across the room and grabbed the oxygen and placed the mask on Belinda's mouth. David watched, wiping his face, as the doctors helped Belinda sit up and breathe. David smiled, and looked down at the unconscious body of the serial killer that had been pushed aside in all the excitement. A doctor was checking him over, but she didn't seem too happy about it.

The security guard handcuffed David to a bench outside the burn unit, and called 911. But David didn't mind, he understood that what he did was insane, and also that the jogger had deserved to be strangled.

"Belinda" brushed her hair behind her ear and waved to David. David smiled at Melanie and waved back.

***

"You were legally dead for half a minute." David told Melanie from the drivers seat of the car. "Whatever it is that you said, you really-"

"David." Melanie said, she was looking out the window of the car.

"You don't want to go home do you?"

"Not really." Melanie fiddled with her cane.

"And you don't really want to go to my house."

"Well, maybe..."

"You don't. Whatever you're thinking right now, it's 'I don't really want to go to David's house'." Melanie brushed the purple skin around her neck where the jogger had choked her. "Why did you agree to come to my house in the first place, and I'm talking to both of you right now. You never agree to come over, so why did you this week?"

"I don't-"

"Yes you do. You always do. I know you both are the same person, somewhere inside of you, so why do you not know the answer?"

Melanie closed her eyes. "Veronica... doesn't like me."

David sighed and pulled the car over into a Arby's parking lot. "So you don't want to stay at my house to avoid my son, and you've driven yourself out of your own home to avoid your nurse. Did you at least take the time to consider that you're the one who doesn't want to be near them."

"They don't like me, either of them." Melanie sulked in her chair, clutching her cane hard.

"Mels..." David shook his head, "I know it's scary. Living with someone new. Meeting someone new. You especially, and I'm talking to you specifically Mel, you are horrible with people." Melanie smiled. "I don't know what it is about you, but always manage to annoy the crap out of people. Now I don't know if that's just what you say, or your demeanor or..." David cleared his throat. "But obviously not everyone hates you." David rubbed her shoulder, and she let him.

David almost took his hand away, he wasn't used to Belinda letting him touch her. He wasn't used to touching her as Melanie.

"You have to at least try to get along with people. Let them know they have a chance at being your friend. And that goes for both of you."

Melanie smiled and wiped a tear from her eye. "Take me home please. I'll deal with the consequences of getting myself strangled."

David was partially let down, he was sort of hoping she'd choose to try being friends with J.P. But then again, he couldn't be mad at her for choosing to try the private nurse thing.

David drove her home, all the while the tiny voice in his head was telling him that something was off about the guy they just arrested. But perhaps it wasn't so off that he had to get Melanie excited. Not right now.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Mon May 04, 2015 10:22 am

Hi Willow!

Deanie back again to review another chapter for you :)

Now this was an interesting chapter. We got a lot of new things in this one. We actually got some action this time and now we also know the extent that David will go to to protect his girlfriend. I like that he is also bonding with Melanie because if things ever did get serious with Belinda, then he would have to deal with her sometimes as well. I also think that we have something interesting blooming with Christen and Daniel here as well. I feel like she is going to have something to do with future chapters. I like that the villain is female this time and that she is using her mind and planning to commit the crimes she is doing. It is a clever network to run, and it seems to work well as well.

What I don't really like is Daniel's line of story. So far, apart from Christen, every character we have met there seems to pop up out of the blue without an explanation or any backstory as to where they have come from. I have no idea who this Alfie is, or half the things he is talking about with Danny. I am losing the meaning of their conversation and the confusion shouldn't be happening. I think you need to slow down the speed of their conversation and really let the readers understand what is going on. You should and can leave some space for them to guess what is happening a bit and make assumptions, but you have to be careful to do it well so you don't lose them completely. And I think you are leaning towards the latter here.

Another thing that could do with a bit more explanation would be the hospital scene. Yes, we do understand that Belinda figured that there was no boyfriend and the mystery man shouldn't have been there. But what I wanted to know was why she acted on her own and didn't discretely call for back up or try to get him away from the room, or even try to keep him talking until someone showed up. She should've known that she couldn't have taken him on, and she is a wise girl so I expected a bit more from her.

I also was confused as to what was going on when David entered. Everything was explained a little bit too fast and it was hard to get a gist of what was going on. People were strangling each other and I didn't know who strangled who. I didn't know if the midnight jogger (or who they assume is that person) was arrested or not, or is even alive or not. I didn't know who the police put the handcuffs on until later, or why. I was ultimately confused as to what was happening in that scene so I think you should go back, slow it down somewhat and really clarify and explain the key events. Use names. Give mystery man a name other than the man. And try to use as little 'he's' as possible, because they are both he and that can aid the confusion.

One more problem I had was that after David has strangled him, he is later going home with Melanie? How can that be possible? Usually they have the whole order that police officers have to follow when they use violence on a case, all this protocol. They need to find out if the violence could've been avoided or not, if it was something done because he just wasn't thinking, and if he is now dangerous or too emotionally invested in the case and needs to be suspended or even persecuted for misuse of the violence. Should it go on his record or not? Should he be taken off the case? There is an interrogation usually involved about the events that went on, and he would probably be caught up in all of this for a while. I would be intrigued to know what his answers would be and what the results would be as well. I just find it somewhat unrealistic that he is so easily released after what he did! (Although I am not saying it wasn't justified somewhat.)

Time for the nitpick related things!

She looked back at the four of them with a raised eyebrow, then noticing that Alfie was looking at the low cut of her tank top, she sneered and kept walking.


I think using the 'noticing' sounds awkward here. I would go for noticed instead.

"Good, now in my business


Comma splice here! You've used a comma where there should either be a conjunction, another form of punctuation or simply the end of the sentence instead. I would suggest just making the first word its own sentence for effect.

"What kind of services."


In this chapter this was the only question without a question mark that I could find! It still needs one though ;)

Belinda could only imagine what she looked like before, she probably had long blonde hair, a tanning booth tan,


Another comma splice here. It is occurring around the first comma. I would make that either a colon or a full stop instead.

Belinda eyed the guy, he had suddenly become a lot more interesting than


Comma splice again. Full stop seems to be befitting here.

Then his fingers slowly closed around her throat, choking the woman who wasn't really there.


What do you mean wasn't really there? Do you mean she became Melanie? You can't mean that she was dead because she is just starting to get choked, and can't be dead yet. I am definitely curious to know what you mean here, and I think it needs further explanation.

"Why did you agree to come to my house in the first place, and I'm talking to both of you right now.


Comma splice again. I would take the comma and make it a question mark instead (I lied! The second question without a question mark, but it's hard to notice because of the comma splice.) I would take away the 'and' and just start the next sentence with saying I'm talking to both... etc!

Did you at least take the time to consider that you're the one who doesn't want to be near them."


Oh, I lied a lot. This needs a question mark.

David was partially let down, he was sort of hoping she'd choose to try being friends with J.P.


Last thing... a comma splice. A colon would do well here ;)

That's all I have to say here. Catching the jogger did seem suspiciously easy, so I wonder if there is more to this mystery in the next chapter. I am also eager to see how Christen is going to play into things. I will keep reading soon!

Deanie x

Good points... i've been trying to slowly go through everything and honestly I can't get past Belinda and David alone that one night... Urgh! This is sort of the area I just went ballistic writing, where I had all these ideas and I wanted to get past this actually really important scene to move it all along. Trust me the ending chapters are so much worse. (Not looking forward to getting there). Anyways thank you, you know for reading through all of this faithfully. I really appreciate it becuase i know everyone who reads it as a seperate peice is like "Gah! What? Mel? Who is mel? Where is Belinda? And what,s wrong with her?" (Which i can't blame the, for that reaction.

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Biluata
Review
Biluata wrote a review · Fri Apr 03, 2015 7:17 pm

Hello, Biluata here. I normally do not review stories that have various chapters, poems are more my pace, but I saw yours has been here for a while so I thought I would give you that second review so you can get published and get out of the green room! So, here is what I noticed.

1. Like DivineFool said before me, good mood, but your writing is a little choppy. I notice that you are trying to keep up with accents and styles of the various characters, which can be a task in itself. Not to sound like an English teacher but try to use those linking whatevers so your sentences and different paragraphs all flow to together. I know it sounds kinda weird, google it, and it will make the writing seem a little less choppy.

2. Also like DivineFool said, I am not really qualified to read and review this because I haven't read any of the chapters before this, so this is a thing I thought you might want to know, not really about the writing itself, sorry! :D

3. The dialogue is really, really good, but it is also hard to read through sometimes, especially with the accents added in, and some of the characters peculiar ways of talking, but that might just be me again. Your back and forth conversations between the various characters is truly engaging, which is something every writer must be good at.

4. I noticed some grammatical errors, so I will do my best to point them out here.

"Yo how you do that?" Zee asked him", personally I think there should be a comment after "Yo" just because there is a natural pause there when reading it, so it would make sense the same pause would occur in conversation.

"She looked back at the four of them with a raised eyebrow, then noticing that Alfie was looking at the low cut of her tank top, she sneered and kept walking." In context, the Alfie in the part that says, "Then noticing Alfie was . . ." I think that Alfie would be better replaced with a "he", i dunno it just seems like it would read better that way. Sorry, I think I am being a little nit picky here, so I'll just go back and make sure I didn't miss any other errors.

"My second in command, by a huge gap a assure you." The main other thing I really notice reading through as a grammatical error would be this sentence, the "a assure you" mostly. The "a" would be appropriate for a country accent, but I wasn't sure if that is what you were aiming for or if it was a typo, I was assuming it was a type because reading through the rest of the dialogue between this lady and the man, she didn't really sound like a "country gal" to me.

5. Overall this was a very good piece, like I said earlier, I haven't read the other chapters so really, I am under qualified to read this and review it, but since this review will be booting it out of the green room, I hope some other people will read it!

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DrFeelGood
Review

Hi there! DrFeelGood back again to review your story! So let us begin from where we had left off!


Things which I left off in my last reviews shall be covered in this review! The first thing which I talked about in my last review is, your hold on the story. Now I am not qualified to talk about the entire story as I haven't read fourteen of your previous chapters and that does create a certain kind of disconnection which is actually the reason why I am exploring this part.

So yeah, even in this chapter your hold on the material is rock solid. You have the same slickness and fineness in your dialogues and they are as predicted quite genuinely engaging. May be because of my love towards talkative writing that I am still willing to ignore/overlook the lack of detailing, but still you need to work on that! I may not nitpick that because I am not a big fan of descriptions but a novel can't really come to live if there are no descriptions.

Another this which I felt incomplete in my last review was the whole "moodiness" of your writing and the suspense story-writing in general. Being a big fan of Dr.Doyle I have read most Sherlock Holmes stories so I do feel the difference between a good and an exceptional story. Below are something's you should work on!

1. While the mood is nice, the pacing is rough. By rough I mean unsteady. You do know where to take your story but the root you're following isn't looking unique. Again I am not qualified to go in details but that was my gut feeling.

2. Important thing to keep in mind while writing suspense stories is, unpredictable response of your characters. Are your characters surprising you when you're writing it for the first time? If yes, chances are that they might surprise the reader. If no, then you need to re-write them. While the good-old tone and mood of this chapter looks nice, I didn't really feel much about your characters. It's something which I believe you should work on!

Your story needs some editing and rewriting as I do believe it has the potential to surprise me. But it left me a tad underwhelmed which is disappointing because you are in complete control over the material!

I hope this review helps you in improving your writing! Keep up the great work!



There is nothing more radical or counter-cultural, at the moment, than laying down one’s cynicism in favour of tender vulnerability.
— John Green