Veronica Gabbles was not happy. All those years in nursing school and this was all she could come up with? Some little epileptic lady in a bad part of town?
Veronica got out of the car and walked toward the house.
Intervention.
Even the word made her nervous. She didn't like them. The clients didn't like them.
Veronica made her way toward the door of 2589 Copple road.
***
Belinda unlocked the door, and walked in, her mind racing. She grabbed a pen and walked over to the wall of the living room and began writing, oblivious to the people sitting around her. David coughed, and she turned around.
"Oh!" She looked around at everyone. David, Emily, Ravi, a girl she didn't know, and Detective Eric, were all sitting around in her living room. "Good you're all here. I've been working on a theory about that Smith case we got today."
Detective Eric, her boss, raised a thick black eyebrow, and looked over at David who shrugged.
"Now I know it seems odd, but the killer was his wife!"
"Bells..." David said softly.
"I know, I know, I have no proof, but how's this? She's bipolar."
"Belinda?" Detective Eric interrupted. He looked nervous for some reason, his thick hands rubbed together.
"Just wait for the best part though!" Belinda looked excited, despite the anxious crowd in front of her. "She was taking a medication for her condition, but when I talked to her she seemed completely out of it. Not uncommon, I have a friend at the hospital with the same problem. Her medication cancels out all emotions. I guess that's what the two were angry about."
"Belinda, could you just sit down?" The woman she didn't know asked, she had short black hair and wore a fancy purple blouse and a skirt.
"No wait!" Belinda squealed in excitement, "I think this will be an easy case, cause she was really doting on her husband. It think she's trying to...make up...for...what's going on?" Belinda finally noticed that they shouldn't be in her house. She also noticed how they had been staring at her with nervous smiles. Then there was that new woman.
"Belinda, could you just sit down?" She asked again.
"What?" Belinda asked, suddenly frantic.
"Just do what she says." Emily said softly, her head lowered from Belinda's face.
Belinda began to laugh nervously. "Oh I ocean what this is is." See, Emily thought half heartedly.
"Belinda calm down." Emily said, "Just hear what we have to say."
Belinda's eyes narrowed.
"This is a stupid intervention!" Belinda yelled. Belinda looked around at her friends' faces, none of them denied it. Each of them had a different way of dealing with her reaction. The unknown woman looked calm, but also slightly annoyed. She tapped her fingers against the armrest of the chair, checking her watch every ten or twenty seconds. She has a date, Belinda thought. David coughed as quietly as possible to not draw attention to himself, as if his throat was suddenly dry. Despite looking like he was strong and friendly, like someone you could always count on, he was more nervous than anyone on the inside. I suppose that's the right reaction, he won't have a girlfri- a date at the end of this "intervention".
Bulky detective Eric wouldn't meet her eyes. He pretended that he was focusing on her, but like so many police officers, he wasn't allowing himself to see what was going on. He had detached himself emotionally from what was happening in order to better be a part of it. Emily also wasn't meeting her eyes, but she wasn't making a point to hide her feelings. Clearly she brought this together.
Ravi, however, had the best reaction. He was staring, with a wide, compassionate smile, and blinking like he had no idea why she would be angry and refused to believe she was. And part of her believed him too. His pure ignorance and blind love made her want to smile. But I can't smile, not now.
"Please sit, Ms. Cabbotry." The woman insisted, it sounded practiced.
Belinda sat down in a small tan recliner, next to the hall.
"I'm sitting because I'm tired." Belinda announced.
"Very good," she said, "Now-"
"I don't do drugs." Belinda interrupted.
The woman looked confused, perhaps because of the statement, more probably because she yelled it. "Interventions can be held for things other than drugs." She explained, "No one is accusing you of using drugs. Unless you are."
Belinda shifted deeper into the chair, sulking over being corrected.
"Now, your friends have come here today to tell you how worried they are about you. Emily?"
Emily shook her head, her face buried beneath her hair and guilt.
"Okay then David?"
David's face went red, but he cleared his throat one more time. "Bells, we want you to get a private nurse. There I said it."
Belinda glared at him beneath her armor of hair and fake leather, causing him to cough again. But he continued anyway.
"Bellie, I worry about you, we all do-"
"I know." She said softly.
"-We just want to make sure that you don't hurt yourself-"
"What like a crazy person?!" She yelled.
"-We only want what's best for you. What happens if you do have a serious seizure and no one's around-"
"Then I'll deal with it and go to the doctor-" she interrupted again.
"But you don't!" David yelled, a tear welling up in his eyes against his better judgement. "I know you don't! You never do! You say you will, but it's hard enough getting you to go to your regular check-ups!"
Belinda had no oral response, but she crossed her arms and clenched her jaw.
"Okay, okay..." The woman said, trying to diffuse the tension to help the next person speak up. It was all very rehearsed and calculated, and Belinda instantly resented her presence. "Eric, you wanted to say something?"
The bulky detective rubbed his bristly face with thick tan fingers. "Officer Cabbotry," he started, using his normal formal greeting. "I know we don't know each other very well, but I'm concerned about you. You sleep in your lab sometimes, and I know that that's because of this neighborhood, but I also know that you never let your boyfriend, who you've been dating for two years, take you home with him." Belinda went red behind her arms. "You are a brilliant young woman, Belinda, but you need to let other people help you out sometimes."
Belinda slumped deeper into her arms, so that she could just see everyone, but they could only see an ominous reflection off of her eyes when they tried to peer beneath her arms. She was at the point of breaking into tears when the woman suddenly spoke again.
"Well Belinda, I guess you can see that everyone here is really worried about you-" Belinda stopped listening to her, but if she had been paying attention she would have heard "Your friends want you to hire me as your private nurse to make sure that when your home you'll be safe from-"
"Who the hell do you think you are?!" Belinda yelled, suddenly standing up with a struggle. Her face was red from strain and tears.
"Pardon?" The nurse asked, bewildered by Belinda's tone.
"Get out of my house! You have no right to be here!"
"Belinda!" David yelled sitting up straight, ready for action.
"Get out! All of you! Get out of my damn house!" Belinda's hands gripped tightly around the rubber handle of her cane.
"Belinda calm down." The nurse said nervously. "We just want to talk-"
"Well maybe I disagree!" Belinda screamed, causing Ravi to sink into his seat looking between Belinda and Veronica. "I own this house, and I have the writ to-"
"Right." Emily corrected nervously.
Belinda paused for a second, looked at her tall friend and glared back up at Veronica.
"rrrrrrrrr-" Belinda swallowed and started again. "Right to ask you to leave."
"Belinda could you just listen-"
"Get out!" Belinda pointed shakily at the door.
"Belinda!" David protested.
"No, it's fine." Veronica said, standing up, "This has to be her decision, and we need to respect that-"
"Don't act like your better than me!" Belinda screamed. "I'm fine how I am, I'm freaking fine! I don't need any of you to try to tell me otherwise."
"Bells..." David reached for her hand, but she pulled away quickly and rushed to her office and slammed the door behind her. The locks clicked closed, and the intervention party looked at each other, daring one another to try to persuade her to come out.
"I'll..." Emily decided, standing up and walking to the locked door with the beating of her heart in her ears blocking out the silent argument of the others.
She put her ear against the door and knocked.
Belinda responded by throwing a large book at the door. Emily jumped back in surprise, but was no more deterred. "Belinda?" She asked softly through the door.
"Go away." Belinda said just loudly enough for Emily to hear.
"Belinda I know how you feel-"
"I highly doubt that." Belinda interrupted.
Emily thought for a moment, knowing if that she said this wrong Belinda would never open the door. "You think we think you're not strong enough to take care of yourself. That we think you're weak. But we don't Belinda."
"Yes you do." Belinda sobbed, despite her better judgment.
"No, Belinda we think the opposite. I think that your too strong for your own good. You push yourself, too far. You are the strongest person I've ever met-"
"Then why hire that idiot." Belinda moaned.
"One she's my friend, you don't call her an idiot." Emily told her.
"Okay." Belinda agreed, smiling slightly behind the door.
"Secondly, because there are some things, no matter how careful or strong you are, that you can't take care of alone."
There was a long pause. The crowd in the living room watched closely from their seats, not daring to make more sound than their breaths. Emily anxiously waited for her reply, as she kneeled on a clear part of carpet with her ear pressed against the door. She couldn't afford to miss her answer, having her repeat may void the deal.
"Emily, do you remember when Marlene broke her wrist and the fairies gave into her every whim?"
Emily tapped into her knowledge of Ten Thousand Wonders. It was a big part of the book, one of the heroines broke her wrist exploring the Cavern beneath the main Crystal Palace. Her Fairy hosts tried their hardest to repay her, but Marlene wanted to continue to explore the cavern. Ultimately the fairies were too nice.
"Yeah, I remember." Emily told her.
"I'll think about it. I just need some time to think right now."
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Me again Willow! Now I am all caught up with everything :3
So, you've got plenty of good reviews pulling out all the nitpicks in this chapter so I am going to try and focus on the story and possibly have a shorter review because of it. Okay? Okay.
What I liked about this was the whole idea of an intervention. An idea would've been to have Veronica and Emily speaking before this, and we should get to see it. I would've liked to hear Emily trying to tell Veronica how best to handle Belinda, how to keep calm and try and take control of the situation and all. Because this formality thing really doesn't seem to be working for her, and I want to see Veronica's reaction and face as she is screamed at for making a mistake. It would be helpful on our part because it adds to the story and the emotion there, as well as prepping us to get to know Veronica. Especially as she is going to have a large role in the story, being a private nurse and all.
This is the only nitpick I am going to point out. I admit I am fairly frustrated at this point, because I mention the same rule in every single one of my reviews! Although you have cut down to only having three full stops in an ellipsis as there should be, you really need to get the spaces in them afterwards! It only makes sense and doesn't take a moment to do. Even if it doesn't come naturally when you're typing, it could just be something you do a quick scan through for before posting, so I don't have to repeat myself.
Because of the way you started this chapter, with Ravi being Belinda's anchor and main focus, it made me think he was going to be more significant in this chapter. But then he was kind of pushed to the side and Emily came back in. Maybe it's about time you gave Ravi some more limelight, seeing as we just got a single chapter to know him so far. Maybe he says, or tries to say some words that would be a bit calming to Belinda, even though she explodes anyway. Or just something so that we get to see his character some more. With all these people in one room, I can't help wanting to get to know some of them better.
Apart from the above mentioned there really isn't anything left for me to say. The other reviewers pulled out the little things and I loved the idea of an organized intervention. It has been one of my favourite chapters so far. Keep writing and let me know when you post the next chapter, as always
Deanie x
That is a good idea for the intervention. I'll think on that.
With Ravi though, I feel like there's really more he could do just being there. I think I'll have something near the end explaining a bit more about Belinda and his relationship. But for now, he's just a kid, there's now much he could say. Being calm there is probably the best thing he could do. You are right though, that I don't put Ravi in more, especially later when she actually does get a private nurse, and so far everyone has said they'd like to see more of him. I will try, but I don't think i'll change how he reacts in this situation, just because I think it's really the best thing Belinda could have seen in this situation.
Fiery Salutations
I do not recall that short stories may have several parts this long, as that makes them more akin to a novella, but seeing as you have classifed this as a short story, I shall as review as if it was a short story. But first, the grammar:
I think you accidentally placed an a where there should not be one.
The comma should be a semi-colon.
I apologise if this seems rude, but this is hilarious. All good humour aside though, I think you should change it to something more appropriate like see or know. (I'm guessing autocorrect is responsible?)
This is probably one of the most common spelling mistakes ever. Your is a possessive pronoun, whereas you're is the word you want to use, because it is a contraction of you and are.
These two words are in the incorrect order; they need to be swapped; this is probably due to a lack of concentration.
As for your short story, in itself, I quite liked it. The characterisation was splendidly done, and even though this is the eight part of the short story, I still feel like I am following what is going on.
What you have especially succeeded in, is portraying each of the characters differently and paying decent attention to each of their personalities. In such a short time, you have already made each character unique.
The setting does not play as important a role here as it does in other short stories, so the little effort that you put into describing it is just enough to be sufficient.
I shall admit, I was sceptical about your "short story" at first, but it has proven to be a delightful read indeed.
by Team Rocket.
Hello there, rhia here to review this, since it is still unreviewed.
Before I start, I'm going to tell you that I haven't been following this series of shorts. With that said, I'm going to be reviewing mostly from the editing standpoint; grammar, sentence correction, improving syntax, rather than content. So let's get going
Them, what is them referring to here? It is unclear to the reader as it is here. You spoke of "the word", so if this whatever that the narrator and the clients don't like is "the word", "them" should be "it". If it is not "the word", you need to clarify for the reader what this pronoun replaces.
The second comma here is unneccessary and I reccomend getting rid of it.
Would be much smoother with a transition from dialogue to narration (she gasped, she exclaimed, etc)
Could really use a comma after "Good"
Even though this bit already has a bunch o' commas, you could really use another after "David". "david who shrugged" just sounds sorta silly.
Pretty sure "It" is supposed to be "I'm"?
Alright, a couple things here. First off, erm, I'm not sure what word "ocean" was sujpposed to be, I think "see", but I'm pretty sure it wasn't meant to be ocean.
Next, you just typed "is" twice, just a little typo.
Last off, the bit with Emilys thoughts threw me of. Until this point, it was all from Belindas point of view. If you're going to show another characters thoughts, it needs to be more clear that it was someone else, because I got lost in translation. Plus, "see" should be in quotations, even if it wasn't said aloud.
You switched perspectives here. It has been "Belinda..." this whole time and now you suddenly said "I...". It should be more like, "But she knew she couldn't smile, not now"
Either the bolded comma should be switched to a period, or the second clause should be reworded so as to belong after a comma, such as "in a voice that sounded practiced"
Bolded should be "you're"
Did you mean "right"?
Nevermind I kept reading and I get it now
Should be "you're"
Same thing, should be you're
And that's all I could find!