Belinda Cabbotry: A Different Perspective (PART 2)

by WillowCutz

Published January 25, 2014

12+ Language Violence

In Belinda Cabbotry

"I've never even heard of a Copple road." Emily said turning onto a sketchy street that her GPS told her to go on. The lawns that had previously been filled with neatly trimmed grass and lawn gnomes, became long and weeded. And the houses became boarded up and old, cheap decorations were hung to cover up old paint chips. Emily's car stumbled over potholes before making a gentle stop in front of 2589, the gem of the street it seemed.

The lawn was weeds and dirt clods. Poison ivy dangled from over the entry way as if to choke the next person to knock on the door. The windows were barred on the outside and bullet holes caused spiderweb cracks on some of them, but you could not see in beyond the black-out curtains. Emily quickly got out of her car and locked it all in three seconds. She had never been somewhere that she really felt like someone was going to steal her car.

Still, she had a job to do. She walked to the front door and rung the doorbell, which made a loud screech, as if stuck on a loop of two notes, then finished the "dong" sound and stopped abruptly. There was a loud thump from inside, followed by the sound of a hand smacking a wall.

Emily tried to look through the door window to see if Belinda had collapsed, but she couldn't see beyond a stack of books in front of the window. Emily would just have to trust that Belinda was okay.

Sure enough, the door slowly creaked open. There was no sign of Belinda, but she could see a yellow lit staircase covered in a strained carpet and a tight hallway, cluttered with stacks of books.

"Name and business." Belinda's crackley voice said from behind the door.

"Uh, Emily Durkinger. I'm here to pick up the forensics report you stole." a cane appeared around the doorway, followed by the rest of Belinda.

"Nice to see you." she said, coughing into her elbow. "Come in, come in." she motioned for Emily to enter the dark hallway.

Immediately Emily wondered if Belinda was some sort of Alchemist. The combination of ancient wood, yellow light, and piles of books and chemicals made it seem somewhat medieval.

The entire house was carpeted, and the main entry way opened up to a staircase with an elevator seat attachment, a small living room, and a partially opened door to a cramped office. In the entryway, piles of books lay on scooters, wagons, and dollies. In between the piles of books were candy wrappers, empty medicine bottles, post-it notes, and more stains than any one person should produce in their lifetime.

"Nice place you got here." Emily lied.

"I know it's gross!" Belinda snapped, then paused staring just passed her head. "Sorry, I yell at people sometimes. I don't know much better. My apologies." Belinda closed the door behind her and toddled into the living room.

Emily followed her nervously. She soared over Belinda by a foot and a half, mostly because Belinda was huddled over her cane forever. It was no question that Emily could fight her off if she needed to, but Belinda was also not quite in the right mind, and the blood stains on the floor did not help her relax.

"Don't mind the blood." Belinda said walking into the strangely carpeted kitchen, "I get nose bleeds after my seizures sometimes. Other times I forget to sleep and it just bleeds and bleeds and bleeds. It's not that often though." Belinda pulled a teapot off a wrapper covered counter and filled it with water.

"Look, I just need the forensics report for David." Belinda looked up blankly. The water spilled out of the top of the pot, but she was lost in a thousand yard stare. "Belinda?" she snapped her fingers, and Belinda dropped the teapot in the sink. "Belinda are you okay?"

"Sorry." Belinda coughed and resumed motion. She turned the faucet off and poured a little water out of the teapot before putting it on the stove. "Micro-seizure. I'm fine."

"Are you sure you should be handling fire?" Belinda clicked the stove on, and shook her head.

"Happens every now and then. The real ones are what I need to worry about." She sniffled a little blood back in her nose. "But what's life without a little risk."

"I guess..." Emily sat down in a kitchen chair. Belinda opened a box of tea packets and brought out two mugs. "What exactly is it that you're suffering from?" Belinda tapped her fingers against the counter as she tried to remember.

"Deffestrium Symptomata." she replied as the teapot whistled.

"And that is?"

"Butter Scotch."

"What?" Belinda poured water into the mugs and brought them over to the kitchen table one at a time.

"I meant BS. They have no idea what's wrong with me, other than symptomatically tired." Belinda sipped from her mug then stuck out her tongue, just remembering that she had forgotten to put the teabag in. She snapped her fingers and pulled a pill bottle out of her pocket.

"So, you have, what, a low blood flow that causes lack of material transport and low brain activity?" Belinda glared at her.

"My brain is a wonderfully productive instrument." she crushed a pill with two spoons she found lying around on the table and let it dissolve in the hot water. "But you are spot on by the first part. By some genetic cruelty I have larger veins than the average person and that does affect how much I can do. It does not how ever affect my brain. The seizures do that." She sipped her tea and furrowed her brow. She forgot the tea bag again.

"So the pills are for the seizures?" Emily asked cautiously. Belinda nodded, letting a tea bag soak in the mug.

"They can only dog biscuit-" Treat, Emily decided, "-my symptoms. If I ever forgot to take my medication there is no telling what I might do. Good thing I never forget." Belinda smiled goofily and Emily couldn't tell if she was being serious or sarcastic.

"Can I just have the forensics report?" Emily asked again, to get Belinda on the right track and keep her from getting distracted again.

"I can't give it to you." Belinda said shaking her head.

"Why not?" Belinda grabbed her cane and used centripetal force to push herself out of the chair.

Belinda motioned her out of the kitchen and through the living room to the little office in the main entrance. She pushed her way in between the door way and an awkwardly placed desk, and Emily followed. She had to duck under precariously placed objects as she was much taller than Belinda and most other people, but she was able to squeeze into the little dim office.

Cardboard boxes filled with manilla folders covered the floor and a bookshelf crowded the sitting room of the desk out. It was full of old books with torn up spines, and bloody pages. Dust created lines where the books were pulled out as if it was never disturbed except for when she needed a book.

Behind the crowded front of the room was a wall covered in messy white paint and a web similar to the one Belinda had created earlier on the forensics lab wall. The blood stains on the floor showed that she had spent the most time staring at the wall, and empty medicine bottles and candy rappers showed that she spent the most time in this room.

Belinda coughed and showed Emily the wall with a proud smile that a child would give to their horrible crayon picture. "What's this?"

"My connections wall." Belinda turned around, looked at the wall for a second, scribbled the words "FOURM: RE: HOW TO GET A MILLION DOLLARS."

"I have a flawless short-term memory, but my long term memory is zilch. So I write everything down and process it over and over until I get the solution." She turned to face Emily again. "This is the case from this morning." she pointed out.

"I got that from the context." Belinda shrugged and turned back to her wall. She re-wrote the words she just scribbled out and drew an arrow from it. "Why?"

"I'm a better detective than the others." she shrugged, writing the words "FISHSCALES49"

"No I mean why are you doing this? It's not in our job description."

"I like it. I used to solve crimes like this everyday before they fired me." she drew a group of arrows from that and began writing again.

"What do you mean fired?"

"I wasn't hired as a detective." Belinda clarified, stepping back from her wall. "What do you see?"

Emily shrugged, not only was Belinda's hand-writing atrocious, but she also wrote things in a short-hand only she seemed to be able to understand. "It's just a bunch of words."

"Precisely." Belinda pulled a box of push-pins from her pocket and a ball of red yarn off the desk. She tied the end of the yarn to a push pin and pressed it into a name "YANA WALSH"

"It's all a jumble of words, everything is a collection of words that we connect on our owns. We all translate things in a certain way we were taught, so if they connect right we accept them as fact. Now if there is a jumble of words that doesn't make sense we have to look through a certain lens to put it together correctly.

"This man is dead. And so are these people," she said blatantly, then jabbed a push-pin into a few other names and twirled the yarn up and down the names, then tied the line off. "Now we have another list of dead people," she pushed pins into the names beneath the previous names. But these names were strange. "FISHSCALES49, DICTATORGIRL2, HOLMES784, OMMNOMM, NOTINKANSAS."

"Now the I.P. addresses match up like this..." she tied the usernames to their real-life counterparts with a zig-zaging yarn. "And it just so happens that Yana Walsh, our friend from the lab, was FISHSCALES49 and he was part of a forum called..." She pressed a pin into "FORUM: RE: HOW TO GET A MILLION DOLLARS"

She connected him to the forum with her yarn and continued on. "As were these people." she motioned to the names she recently connected in yarn. "And..." she pushed a pin into a name circled many times, "BIG-BOSS92"

"The difference is, he's alive."

"Okay, so he's the next target in some serial killer rampage?"

"No, he's the killer." Belinda grabbed a chocolate bar off of her desk and swallowed it like a vacuum in front of her computer.

"What do you mean he's the killer?"

Belinda didn't answer she just stared at her computer for a second before she began typing furiously.

"Belinda are you okay?" Emily asked after a minute of watching her hands fly across the keyboard. She reached out and tapped her bony shoulder. Belinda's hands stopped instantly, her right index finger hovered over the enter key. Belinda blinked and turned around in her spinny chair.

"Clearly the forum was creating a plan to rob someplace, and they succeeded. Big boss must have been picking them off one by one to get all the pecuniae for himself... But where did the money come from?"

"Pecuni-what now?"

"That's Latin..." Belinda's voice trailed off, followed closely by her thoughts. "That must mean...CODING!" Belinda turned back to her computer. "Quickly, what button was I hovering over when you woke me up?"

"What?"

"Which button?"

"The enter key, but why does that-"

"IP address 216.27.61.137, thanks yous Emilys."

Emily ignored all the unnecessary plurals. "What just happened?" Belinda pulled herself out of her seat, selecting a cane with a hand clamp from a rack beside her.

"Come on, you're driving." Belinda announced.

"Driving where?" Erika followed her out into the hall.

"7902 David Run road!" Belinda yelled proudly as her cane clicked on the side walk.

***

"STOP HERE!" Belinda yelled, motioning to a spot beside a sidewalk.

"But we still have a few blocks to-"

"Stop the bloody car or I'm turning the wheel into a tree!" Belinda yelled. Emily pulled over in the spot and Belinda shook her head. "Sorry..." she mumbled, and let herself out of the car slowly but hurried. Her arm clamped into the cane for support and she rested heavily on her right side as she walked.

Emily followed her, hurrying to keep up with her.

"Why'd you make me stop?" Emily demanded. Belinda coughed and gasped for air for a second. "You okay?" Emily looked down at her face. She was pale and kept swallowing like she was a fish. "Belinda?"

"What? Oh...fine. I'm fine!"

"You don't look fine."

"Well I am." Belinda coughed.

"Are you sure? You look like you're about to fall over." Belinda's cane trembled in her grasp and her knuckles turned white holding it. "Are you sure you should be walking so much?"

"Is this 7092?" Belinda asked, nodding at a little house.

"Yeah, but don't you think you should go home?" Belinda shook her head. The sheet of black hair covered her thin smile. Belinda stopped in front of driveway of the house. Suddenly Belinda held her breath, then took a large dry gasp of air and held it again. "Belinda! Are you okay?" Belinda repeated the gasping breaths.

"I'm...Agri...vating...my....breathing." Suddenly Belinda collapsed on the ground. "Help...me...over to...the....house." Belinda gasped. Emily's own heart almost stopped, she just stared at her in shock. "Now...plea...se." Emily spun out of her daze and helped her up to the house by awkwardly placing an arm under her's to take the weight off her legs.

Belinda closed her eyes and tried to focus. Her spit felt hot against her front teeth and her legs felt like rocks. If she could just get some water... Images danced across her eyelids and sparks covered her sight when she opened her eyes.

She felt her feet hit the cement stairs and she forced her eyes to stay open. The door was light baby blue.

/Focus, Belinda./ She told herself, /Focus on one thing and keep conscious/. "Scratches." Belinda coughed.

"What?"

"On the...lock." She motioned to the shiny doorknob. "He's a...drunk."

"Why is that what you notice?" Belinda spit some blood out of her mouth and rang the doorbell. She could hear footsteps from inside and the door opened up. He was on the shorter spectrum of tall guys, with brown curly hair and a tan face that Belinda couldn't quite see from the angle she was positioned.

"Hola?" he said in a Mexican accent that was blatantly obvious because he was speaking spanish.

"Hi!" Belinda wheezed, "I'm sorry to bother you, but..." she paused to cough, "Our car broke down and...my....is acting up....Can I sit on you porch...for a little while?"

"Sure." he said, "Do you want me to call an ambulance or...?" Belinda shook her head and allowed Emily to set her down on the cement steps.

"No, I just need a second to catch my-" she was cut off by a sudden choking sensation. She grabbed her throat and tried to remember what she was supposed to do. /Was it wait for my throat to clear or that injection I was supposed to keep with me at all times?/

"Belinda?" Emily asked watching Belinda struggle to breathe, "Belinda!" Emily kneeled down and felt Belinda's pulse. It was fast, but slowing quickly.

"I'm calling 911." the man said, turning to leave.

"No!" Belinda yelled out of nowhere. She gulped in air and her head relaxed. She had a splitting headache, but she could breathe again and she had him right where she wanted him.

Belinda could hear someone say something, but it was all mudded together and drowned out by the pounding in her forehead. /Breath one breath two, breath three breath four. What are you...doing this for? Breath five breath six, breath seven breath eight. Don't move, don't talk, or you'll be at Heaven's gate./

Belinda fought hard to keep herself up, the sparks in her eyes became black and her breathing became normal, but Belinda was stuck staring across the street.

"Is she still breathing?" the man asked.

"I'm not sure. Belinda?" Emily touched her shoulder and Belinda shook awake. Her eyes flew open and she looked back at them.

"For god's sake Emily I'm awake! You act like you've never seen me have a seizure." Emily couldn't decide why exactly, but she sounded differently. "Pass me my cane." Belinda held out a hand and Emily gave her the long metal. Swiftly, Belinda stood up with a creak and leaned half on the cane and half on the wall on the house so that she could stand straight up.

"So you girls are good? Do you want a phone to call a tow service. We don't want this one to start choking again."

"Oh I won't," Belinda said cryptically, "But Sonja Keeler did." The man stopped moving and stared at Belinda with cold brown eyes. "Very skilled murderer you are. Out of five murders only one person ever solved one of them."

"What gave it away?" he said coldly.

"The keyboard. Not usually the weapon people choose for murder, but if you spent a lot of time on the computer the keyboard would be more comfortable than a baseball bat. Simple case of psychological evidence. You were worried about the computer giving you away so I searched through the evidence the police collected and took the computer out than searched through the favorites to find the forum in the deleted box. Did you know that the police can pull things from your computer even after they've been deleted? This led me to the other cases of murder and then to you."

He smiled at her respectfully. "Very smart, miss. And who are you?"

"Belinda Cabbotry, forensics detective." Belinda tucked the sheet of black hair behind her ear and smiled venomously.

"Well, Belinda I have only one thing to say to that." He looked very confident for a second then ran past the two girls, pushing Emily to the ground as he rushed out into the street.

"Shist!" Belinda exclaimed, slowly coming down the stairs and clicking down the sidewalk. "Well, run after him Emily!" Emily groaned from her spot at the bottom of the steps where she had fallen.

"You do it." Emily moaned, rubbing her head.

"Ah, we lost him anyway." She clicked back to the stairs. "Nice going!"

"I got pushed down the stairs!" Emily pulled herself off the moist grass and glared at Belinda.

"You should have seen that coming. I did."

"You could have warned me!" Emily wiped mud off of her pants.

"Slow reflexes." Belinda defended. "You could have figured it out yourself. It wasn't that hard."

"Really?" Emily asked accusingly.

"It's all in the eye movement. The speed of the speech." Belinda looked up at the tall woman, "You need to know these responses if you're going to be my partner."

"How about I drive you home and don't roll you out of the door while I'm on the interstate instead?"

"Simple issue of reading." Belinda continued without noticing her comment, "It could be very useful knowledge on it's own. Boyfriends and crap like that would be much easier."

"Again I bring up the car in motion plan." Belinda looked up at her confused.

"And what was the car in motion plan?" Emily looked at her equally confused.

"Is your hearing selective or something? I just threatened you."

"Oh? Never mind, it's an impossible feat. If I could survive what I just did, I can survive rolling down the interstate." Emily rolled her eyes. "Would I by any chance get a second to prepare myself before you roll me?"

"Whatever, are we going to contact the police now?" Belinda shook her head.

"What would the fun in that be?"

"Living?"

Belinda smiled cruelly. "Living or /Living/?"

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
birk
Review
birk wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2014

Hey Willow!

Alright, though it took a few days, I'm finally back for chapter two.

So, in the previous part, I jotted down a short mention of things I was hoping to see in future installments of this series. Most of them were delivered here. That is excellent. I wanted to see more of Belinda's personal life, and I got it. There was a lot of interesting stuff in this part and I do like how you keep the story moving fluently and pick up right where you left off.

That aside though, I still had some issues with this second part. Not any fairly big ones, primarily small grammatical errors and some problems with the story elements. In addition to this, what mainly caught my eye was the recurring problem of dialogue tags. I mentioned those in my previous review, and I'll bring up an example or two here as well. I realize you published these two chapters at the same time, so it isn't unexptected. It just really stands out. I'll get back to all this though.

Both your main characters continue being quite interesting, though Belinda is specificly the driving force. The detective and crime solving aspect is engaging and the overall story is good. You write very well, and aside from these small issues and recurring problems, I'm loving this.

Overall, there's nothing else I'd add, so I'll just write as I go along:

"Uh, Emily Durkinger. I'm here to pick up the forensics report you stole."

In the previous part you never said anything about her stealing it. David mentioned that she sometimes forgot. Sure, one could assume that by that, he meant that she often stole stuff for herself to study, but I'd be more specific.

Edit
Immediately, Emily wondered if Belinda was some sort of alchemist.
Added a comma and decapitalized 'alchemist'.

Edit
Belinda snapped, then paused staring just past her head.
Small typo.

Other times I forget to sleep and it just bleeds and bleeds and bleeds.

Now, I've said that I'm really into this character... but this right here is a big issue. She really needs to get herself to a doctor. They don't know what's wrong with her? Unexplained disease for the purpose of storytelling, I get that. However, I'm sure they would keep tight watch and care of her, not leaving her to herself. Especially when she has these really big health issues. Also: gross. :D

Suggestion
Belinda pulled a teapot off a counter covered in wrap and filled it with water.
Bit of a clunky line. A quick rearranging of the words and it reads smoother, though.

"Look, I just need the forensics report for David." Belinda looked up blankly.
The entire paragraph that follows this is lacking good indication of who is talking. You need some more dialogue tags. I don't need them when it's obvious, but I want them everywhere else. In my opinion it also reads terrible. Personal issue, but it really irks me.

Just a quick addition to the line and I'd love it;
"Look, I just need the forensics report for David." Emily urged.

As with the previous chapter, they occur several times and I won't bring up any more examples.

Edit
It does not, however, affect my brain.

One word. You can also throw in some commas there if you'd like. I'll often do so, I like the commas. ;)

"They can only dog biscuit-" Treat, Emily decided, "-my symptoms.

I do like this character trait. However, this line reads a bit off. I'm not sure how to smooth it out without reconstructing the entire line. Anyhow, her meds can only treat her symptoms? From what we've seen so far, she seems to have a lot of symptoms.

Belinda grabbed her cane and used centripetal force to push herself out of the chair.
Uh, what? I'm not sure centripetal force would do her a lot of good here. She'd have to do some real maneuvers to pull that off.

Edit
Cardboard boxes filled with manila folders covered the floor
Hasty typo.

Edit
and empty medicine bottles and candy wrappers showed that she spent
Another one.

Edit
"FORUM: RE: HOW TO GET A MILLION DOLLARS."

All good things come in threes. ;)

"I got that from the context." Belinda shrugged and turned back to her wall. She re-wrote the words she just scribbled out and drew an arrow from it.
Wait, how did she get that from the context? The case they studies last night involved photos of a dead guy in front of a computer. How would their talks last night lead to her getting something from the context of 'FORUM: RE: HOW TO GET A MILLION DOLLARS'?

Also, why did she re-write it on the wall? She already had it on there, just slap an arrow on it...

Edit
"It's all a jumble of words, everything is a collection of words that we connect on our own.
Small edit.

I really like this though. Jumbling the words together without rhyme or reason, forcing you to find sense in it. This is a good technique to brainstorm. Neat!

"Clearly the forum was creating a plan to rob someplace, and they succeeded.
If she has access to the forum, wouldn't she have more information than this?

"Driving where?" Erika followed her out into the hall.

Who... who's Erika? O.o

"Stop the bloody car or I'm turning the wheel into a tree!"

Okay, I like how Belinda is quite wacky and weird, but what the heck is she talking about here? Is she on too much medication right now?

/Focus, Belinda./ She told herself, /Focus on one thing and keep conscious/. "Scratches." Belinda coughed.
I'm not sure what this is. I'm guessing they are character thoughts, but you should definately put these in italics instead. This looks terrible.

"On the...lock." She motioned to the shiny doorknob. "He's a...drunk."

I hope you remember to bring this up again later. Otherwise, this leads to nothing. If you do though; good character build-up. ;)

"Belinda?" Emily asked watching Belinda struggle to breathe, "Belinda!" Emily kneeled down and felt Belinda's pulse.
You repeat 'Belinda' four times in this single line. O.O

Edit
but it was all muddled together and drowned out

Quick edit.

"What gave it away?" he said coldly.

No. Two women, one of them an elderly looking weirdo, show up on his doorstep and accuses him of muder. He does not instantly admit to it. This is highly unrealistic.

Edit
I searched through the evidence the police collected and took the computer out, then searched through the favorites
Small typo and an added comma. Also, how in the heck did she sneak out a computer from the police evidence? She is not a very athletic or healthy person, right? I doubt she could pull that off. And she did this last night?

"Well, Belinda I have only one thing to say to that."

Come on, he didn't even say anything. :D

I also find the idea of him escaping from these two ladies quite unrealistic. Although I did enjoy the back and forth the two of them had at the end there. It was pretty good.

Alright, that's pretty much all I could say for this second part. Despite some issues, I'm really liking it.

Your characters are good, the crime so far is pretty fun, and the way this women's mind works and how she solves these cases are really neat to read. The weird and quirky way it's unfolded to us is good. It is almost like watching Sherlock blow us away. Not quite though, not quite. ;)

I'll definately be back for your following chapters soon. I'll get to them as soon as I can.

Keep it up, Willow!



Cheers
Birkhoff

To the whole she needs a doctor thing, that's coming up later. She's not very into being dependent on other people

User avatar
Hannah
Review
Hannah wrote a review Review · May 25, 2014

Back for part two~

She sniffled a little blood back in her nose. "But what's life without a little risk."


Ahahaha, ugghhh that is so gross. o_o Usually it seems like police offices put up with eternally rude people in exchange for their genius, but I guess this time they are putting up with gross things like nose bleeds in exchanged for Bellie.

"They can only dog biscuit-" Treat, Emily decided, "-my symptoms.


Okay, now I got suddenly interested in whether Belinda has had this disease from the time she was young. I'm wondering because if she had it since she was young, did she just learn words strangely -- does she ALWAYS use the word dog biscuit in place of treat? Or, is it more random and is just her brain traveling and expressing different pathways before she can correct them?

I knew there was a reason I should hold out for Belinda, and I knew there was a reason I loved reading your writing. The moment where she talks about how all the jumble of words just depend on the way we translate things was the moment I knew I'd follow her through this story. You have to have those human, clear moments for readers to latch on to, and you provided us with that just at the moment of triumph, too.

I do wonder, however, how she jumped from a body to an online forum, and if you could hint that to the readers, that would be nice so we're not completely cut out from the thinking and solving and pondering!

Emily's own heart almost stopped, she just stared at her in shock. "Now...plea...se." Emily spun out of her daze and helped her up to the house by awkwardly placing an arm under her's to take the weight off her legs.

Belinda closed her eyes and tried to focus.


I do want to mention, however, that you go back and forth between describing things from Emily's point of view, from Belinda's, and from a neutral point. Generally, this feels weird to readers. We usually want to follow along with just one person at a time, so be aware of this habit of yours and decide whether you want to do anything about it. (:

"What gave it away?" he said coldly.


Uh oh. I don't believe he'd accept this so quickly, though. It seems fake and reduces the reality of the rest of the story you've built up. D:

I didn't feel quite satisfied with the reveal of the "I looked in the computer and found the forum", either. I think maybe taking a bit more time to consider each of the characters as if THEY were the main character and not just plot points might help to reveal a more natural sequence of events or at least a more natural explanation?

In any case, we blaze on~

Hannah

I'll keep that in mind.

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Jan 26, 2014

Hi Willow!

Yay! This time I don't really have any nitpicks for me to pull out which is always a good start. :) I'm also liking Belinda a bit more in this chapter than I was in the first one, although I still don't understand why she aggravated her breathing. Was it simply as an act to help her be accepted?

I think you described the setting perfectly, especially when they were in Belinda's house. It was nice to know that no one knew what was wrong with her? I suppose that is the best diagnosis because then anything could happen in her disease. The seizures are interesting.

It's already been mentioned, but I would like to hear more of their thoughts as well. Especially Emily. I feel like there is so much we still don't know about her. Although you've managed to develop Belinda quite well in two parts and I feel like I've known her for a while, I still don't know that much about Emily at all. Her character really does need to be developed a bit more in part three. Looking forwards to it.

This is a short review, but I don't have many complaints for this part ^^ Let me know when more of this story is up as well!

Deanie x

Yeah! Sorry *slides back into the chair she just jumped out of*
I see what you mean about making the characters different, Sheri was a bit the inspiration for miss Belinda (named after the belligerent cabinet) Emily and David I didn't really notice though.

As for why she almost killed herself, I promise I will explain later. Like the title suggests this is a different perspective on crime.

Yeah! Sorry *slides back into the chair she just jumped out of*
I see what you mean about making the characters different, Sheri was a bit the inspiration for miss Belinda (named after the belligerent cabinet) Emily and David I didn't really notice though.

As for why she almost killed herself, I promise I will explain later. Like the title suggests this is a different perspective on crime.

Yeah! Sorry *slides back into the chair she just jumped out of*
I see what you mean about making the characters different, Sheri was a bit the inspiration for miss Belinda (named after the belligerent cabinet) Emily and David I didn't really notice though.

As for why she almost killed herself, I promise I will explain later. Like the title suggests this is a different perspective on crime.

You know I really wish this iPad would load faster so I didn't hit the button a million times and look like an idiot.

User avatar
KnightTeen
Review
KnightTeen wrote a review Review · Jan 26, 2014

I'm back for more!

She had never been somewhere that she really felt like someone was going to steal her car.


I feel like you should add the words, "until now" at the end of this sentence.

Just to add to the creepiness.

In the entryway, piles of books lay on scooters, wagons, and dollies. In between the piles of books were candy wrappers, empty medicine bottles, post-it notes, and more stains than any one person should produce in their lifetime.


Belinda sounds a lot like me. I have no doubt that is what my place is going to look like when I move out. I am A) a bookworm and B) a junk foodie (I don't know what to call a person addicted to junk food)

...that we connect on our owns.


I don't know if this is just Belinda being Belinda, since I haven't gotten a good read on her as a person yet, but there is a minor typo here.

HOLMES784


You little sneak you.

I noticed that you used slashes a lot, and I'm not entirely sure what's up with that.

It looks like they're Bellie's thoughts, but I know you somewhat. You would have put them in italics. ....Wouldn't you?

I don't know, but I think that you would. So I don't understand why you used the slashes.

But all that aside, I like this new duo.

But, when you finish this one and start the next one, please, please, please, use some other dynamic then the female/female team. The excess estrogen (did I get that right) is slowly killing me.

Happy Review Day!

~Teen~

The slashes are italics, mostly because I really don't like messing with the setting when I cut and paste it into the publishing box. And I happen to like female characters, they're easier to write for me. I've actually only written a boy main character once and that led to too much romance (which slowly kills me (hence why my David-Belinda romance is so bad))

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Crookshanks
Review
Crookshanks wrote a review Review · Jan 25, 2014

Hey there! Imagine how excited I was to find the part two of this piece after just finishing my review of part one! :D

So I am absolutely obsessed with the dynamic between Belinda and Emily -- it's just hilarious to see Emily's complete exasperation with having to deal with Belinda and her crazy whims and fits. She just seems so fed up and it's great to read. I also love Belinda's personality and her intelligence at solving cases reminds me so much of a man named Jane from a show called The Mentalist -- he disobeys everyone and solves cases his own way and still does a much better job (see the resemblance?).

I only have a few nitpicks. I'd love to see more of the inner thoughts of both women; maybe entire chapters in each women's point of view or something like that. I want to be able to understand why each one does the things they do and just how they think, especially why Emily is listening to everything Belinda says and not questioning it one bit -- I know I would be freaked out and on the phone with the cops right away! Basically, seeing more from each character, as well as all the action, would be nice. I want to really get a feel for each of them.

Also, I think there needs to be some more descriptions worked in to the story or just some more "meat," as they say. Right now, the majority of your chapters have been dialogue and that's all good and well, but it makes it hard to get a full understanding of the characters and the places, too. Just remember, make sure each dialogue is really contributing to the story and to the development of that character.

I'm also curious as to how Belinda is allowed to continue her work if she has been directly told not to go out in the field -- is this the first time she's done it since the big gang case, and if so, why?

Can't wait to read more! I hope I was able to help a little.

xoxo Crookshanks

Thanks, I actually was going for more of a sherlock meets dirk gently meets jekl and hyde and then meets up with the guy in psych, but I'm definitely going to have to check out the mentalist. I promise I'll get into the reasons why, this is just the beginning. I'm working on the idea of born in human goodness as well as their badness. Which is why our criminal decided to help the ill Belinda, and why Emily doesn't freak out as much as she should. (Also, Belinda is technically part of the police eliminating that option).



People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.
— John Patrick, The Curious Savage