Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Lily thought it would be okay to go. But the instant she got there she realized she made a big mistake.She didn’t want this anymore. The second she stepped foot into the bedroom, she knew she was there. The smell of the rain was on her. She stepped out of the shadows. She knew what she was here for. Blood. The instant their eyes locked she started to loosen the collar of her shirt, sitting down on the bed so she wouldn't faint. Ella, knelt down and gently stroked her cheek. She felt herself relax and Ella locked her mouth onto her neck. She felt the bite of her teeth, the pain, then the flood of warmth that enveloped her. Lily knew she needed this. She needed this in order to survive. To live. But this time Ella grabbed onto her wrists and pinned her down. Lily panicked, not knowing what to do. She was too calm to fight back physically, but mentally, she was screaming for help. Ella was sucking her dry! She half closed her eyes and she felt herself falling asleep. Then the cold that washed over over her when she knew she was gone. When she woke, there was a single white rose on her pillow, with a note saying- “Until next time.~Ella” She sighed and felt her tender neck. She didn’t know how to get out of this, but part of her never wanted Ella to leave. Lily grabbed the rose and smelled the lovely smell of her love, who would soon be back for more.

Hi, WhosabellCanWrite! Ghost here for a review.

(I know I'm a year late.)

This is a somewhat thrilling piece, taking a classic idea (using vampires, somewhat like Twilight) and turning it [modern] .

A couple issues I had with this are that--this entire piece is pretty much a paragraph. A lot happens really fast and I wasn't particularly ready for everything that was thrown at me so quickly.

A few places are also a little iffy and some commas and in places where they shouldn't be.

For example:

Ella, knelt down and gently stroked her cheek.

Lily knew she needed this. She needed this in order to survive. To live.

Lily grabbed the rose and smelled the lovely smell of her love

Great work.

Hey WhosabellCanWrite,

First Impressions: Well, interesting little piece. The focus has obviously not been put in the formatting and the grammar of the work, but I like the creepy build up to a strange twist once you realize that she has this weird relationship with a vampire.

Positives: The concept is definitely intriguing, and the world hasn't gotten over vampires yet, so it definitely has a big fan base.

Negatives: It's, of course, not much of a piece, so there's nothing negative to say about it, but not anything necessarily positive either. Sorry I can't offer more.

Overall: I feel like this is a great concept that could easily be turned into something well worth the read, whether it be a short story or a novelette. Let me know if you get anything more on it and I'd be glad to read it.

I give it:

Hello, Whosabell, Apricity here for a review!

First off, welcome to YWS I hope you enjoy your stay here. You've presented us with a short story here, or to be more specific an apparent story where one friend is a vampire and loses their control whilst sucking the blood of her friend. I take it this isn't your entire story, but rather the snippet of a whole because this snippet here hasn't been contextualised and your characters aren't developed.

So I'm going to assume you posted something out of a whole story, whereby you explain who Lily and Ella exactly is, what's the background of this story, what exactly is their relationship and so on. But let's work on this snippet here. Overall, it's not bad. You have no terrible grammatical errors, it's fluent save for that last part because I had no idea whether it was Ella or Lily that was talking. I thought Lily had already left the room when Ella woke up so how could she smell the rose...if she had already left ?

But at the same time, this story is also cliche, painfully bland and partially this is because I've only been given such a short snippet so I don't know what to quite make of it. Your writing is succinct, frequented by short sentences marked with a full stop. Nothing wrong with it, but in writing you want to introduce variety, vary your sentence lengths and openings.

In places of tension, like the part when Ella was sucking her dry, use shorter sentences to create tension. There's also a prevalent problem here, to sum it up it's the age old 'show don't tell rule' but telling you that means nothing so allow me to show you what I mean.

Lily panicked, not knowing what to do. She was too calm to fight back physically, but mentally, she was screaming for help.