It all started with a walk in the woods. My breathing coming down from the run and my endorphins slowing. I tilt my head back in the sky and I see a figure in the clouds. It looks like a dolphin. I sigh and continue to walk and immediately bump into someone I look to see who it is and gasp. She’s beautiful….almost too beautiful for this park...she seems...otherworldly…..like an angel.
The beautiful girl smiles and I swallow. Her eyes are GREEN. She bites her lip and says, “I'm sorry, I wasn’t looking at where I was going.” I stutter and clear my throat, “I wasn't looking its okay I’m sorry, I just-”
“I’m Ella, by the way”
I stutter some more and answer with a whisper, “...I’m... Lily…”
She grins and asks, “Would you like to go get some coffee?”
I look at her shocked she would be so straightforward….but also happy….
“I would love to...thank you” She blushes and we start walking and talking slowly……
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139,794 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Hey, here I am for a review!!!
Firstly, why is the narrator running? I mean, you should have elaborated that little bit.
The first line should have been, "It all starts with a walk in the woods", because, it gives the reader a nicer feeling, and also intrigues him or her.
Alright. So someone looks into the sky and sees something like a dolphin?? Why does she just sigh and continue to walk, for heaven's sake?? I mean, there is a darn fish in the sky!
Ya know.
"I continue to walk and I immediately bump into someone I look to see who it is..." This SHOULD have been, " I continue to walk, and immediately bump into someone. I look to see..." PUNTUATE the sentence. Those two lines together make absolutely no sense.
"Almost too beautiful for this park..." Is that a compliment, or not? Unclear . Make it clear.
Why is green in capitals?
the sentenc3 should be, "I wasn't looking where I was going", not "I wasn't looking at where I was going." The next sentence also has no punctuation. Work on it.
"I look at her, shocked that she's being so straightforward " this is how the sentence would sound better...
after "thank you" you need to insert a comma.
Well, that's it! Sorry for nitpicking the story apart so much!
Thanks for sharing this flash fiction. Interesting introduction with a girl in the woods just getting through running. The reader immediately wonders why she was running. Was she was exercising? Was she being late for a date or other event? Was she being pursued? Why would she risk running through the woods?
Also, please note that I understand that as the writer you are seeing the scene clearly in your mind's eye. However, as readers we don't know whether it is early morning, afternoon, twilight or night. Neither do we know whether it is winter summer or fall, or in what country this is taking place.
We also don't know why she isn't frightened by something that looks like a dolphin flying above her. Or why she would not be terrified to have someone appear as if out of nowhere right in front of her in the woods.
We also can't visualize the girl as a blonde, redhead, brunette, black, Chinese , Mestiza, or any other kind of girl because they aren't described. Neither can we visualize how she or the other one is dressed. In short, as a readers we are presented with two bodiless voices. So in order to pull the reader into the scene more description is needed. Otherwise we are left to fend for ourselves and that leads to groping for some type of image or else just listening to the voices talk..
True, she is said to be beautiful, but there are many kinds of female beauty and what's beautiful to one person might be considered ugly to another.
So the story has potential.
Hi WhosabellCanWrite! Saru here for a hopefully helpful review!
I'm going to get constructive criticism out of the way first so we can get on with what was great about this.
Did you mean 'calming' down? Also, this sentence is a fragment, with no subject. Maybe say 'My breathing was calming down'.
Can hormones slow? I feel like this would sound better if you said something like 'settling', since you already said 'calming'.
This seems like a run-on sentence to me. Maybe separate this into two sentences starting at 'I look to see who it is'?
The ellipses here and throughout the piece seem repetitive. Maybe use dashes in certain places, or make it something like this; "She’s beautiful- almost too beautiful for a park like this. She seems- otherworldly- like an angel."
Why is this a shock? Can you explain this more? Were they an extremely bright or neon green color?
The comma at the end here would help flow better if it were a period instead.
There are some grammar issues in this sentence, so I'll just rewrite the sentence as a suggestion to you. "“I wasn't looking, its okay, I’m sorry, I just-”" You just needed a few commas to increase flow.
Put a period after 'way'.
Put a comma after 'her'. Also, what is the connection between her being straightforward and happy? It sounds here like she's surprised that she can be both. Try and rephrase it if this wasn't what you meant.
Put a period after 'you'. Also, be sure to not connect your words with ellipses. (“I would love to... thank you.” instead of “I would love to...thank you.”)
This seems like an odd ending. I don't know what it is, maybe that you don't say where, but it just strikes a wrong note with me. Maybe something along the lines of "She blushes and we head out of the woods, walking slowly and chatting happily." You also don't need the ellipses at the end of this story.
And... that's it for constructive criticism! I really liked this piece! The only thing about the story itself that I didn't like was that it was so short! I felt like you could have done a lot more cool things here, and I was kind of disappointed that I didn't get to read more. This was a really cool short piece, though. One last comment, try and make your ellipses consist of only three periods and no more.
Keep writing!
~Saru
HI
Yes thank you for the review!
Your input on my story means the world!
And with the one part where I say "Her eyes are GREEN", yes I mean her eyes are shockingly vibrant.
I need to stop putting in so many ellipses I know!
I'm recently getting back into writing after about a year so this may take me a while to catch up.
Thank you so much for the review!!!
~Izzy
You're welcome!!