E - Everyone

Journey of Sins


Prologue

“In a world of ruin they had a king”, said the old man almost hysterical “A bringer of death. They feared him but thought him their savior for he had lived for so long. Immortal. But there was another, a queen but not his. There were those who wished to defy him, kill him. In a world where there was only life he was death and they hated him for it. For a long, long time all he knew was hate.” The young boy listening can only cringe but the girl sitting next to him is filled with sorrow, sadness for their lost king. But still the old man goes on not missing a single beat.

“The man in black, our forgotten king, sets out on a journey no longer wanting to rule a kingdom that does not want him, did not love him. No longer sat upon the throne he did not want. He would find her the queen who was like him, but loved”. The girl couldn’t understand how they were both immortal but only one was loved. She could only wonder how it felt, what it was like to live in a world to rule a world where you were not loved but hated, not cherished but feared. It was cruel she decided.


I.THE KING

He sat upon his throne grimed faced as usual. Clad entirely in black even his hair was the color of pure onyx, but his eyes she could see were a brilliant blue the color of the sky, the impossible color. She loved that color so much, grabbed at the sky but got nothing, but she could look into those eyes and feel free. He was her king nothing more, but she found herself wanting more but she knew he didn’t. He had someone already far younger than him no matter how young he looked. He doted upon her, his love and she was forced to endure it for she could not step out of place.

The small girl so frail, with her long wispy white hair ran up to him smiling. When she looked at him she did not see what everyone else saw, she was a child so innocent and he was a man so tainted, yet he had saved her and she was the only one who made him smile, even if it was small and weak it was a smile something he didn’t often do.

She stood at his feet and he lifted one hand gloved in black leather and ruffled her hair adoration in his eyes. They all knew he would not let anything hurt her and for that reason alone they believed he could change, they knew he could love. The guards all stood at attention all faithful and loyal they would not break his trust he knew, they knew. And as they eyed the child and him from under their helmets they smiled. They have watched him for many years, in fact some for an eternity and they had never seen him smile not until the day he brought her home. They thought that’s what made it all worthwhile, like parents watching children grow.

He stared down at her eyes narrow on hand holding his head in a fist the other ruffling her hair. “I will protect you”, he promised in his thoughts as a small uncertain smile crept to his lips and she smiled brighter. She made him smile, she cared for him which no one had ever done, and in turn he cared for her. He would not harm nor taint her and to do that he kept his distance. They enjoyed the time they spent together, he enjoyed her and would not let those who wanted his death know of her for that he went to all lengths. But still somehow they knew and she was gone slipped through his fingers like the wind.

He remembered the raid, the fire, the betrayal, but most of all he remembered the death, the blood that covered his floor and his hands as he lost himself and went berserk. It wasn’t him who killed her, he knew he was too late to stop it though and couldn’t bear to look at the scene. He had lost her that in which was the only thing, only one who had his love and the only one who loved him to his knowledge at least.

The king all clad in black like every other day stood in front of his people atop his balcony. The wind blew hard that day and whipped his black clothes and hair yet he stood motionless, his eyes void of a soul, and his castle knew he was lost that hope was gone but his people had always knew that and didn’t notice the difference. They didn’t notice that his glare had changed from hate to loath, that he no longer cared what they did, what he did and so they didn’t care about those words he said that were lost in the wind. But one man heard it, his right hand as you would call it. “I’m leaving”, he said and Cage gasped. In the entire world Cage was the only one who heard the words said by their king and was the only one who followed him that day.

Their king clad in black, clothes billowing in the wind walked down his palace steps boots clacking. He had his hands in his pockets and eyes half shut but before he left he looked back and said one simple word. “Goodbye”, he whispered and it was lost in the wind. In the stories told the words he said were changed, instead of that one word he said four. ‘Death to you all”, and there was death.

Cage swore his loyalty his life to the man who was their king. He had saved him to Cage’s mind at least. In truth the man only said he could follow if he wanted to. As Caged sat there crouched on the dirt in the middle of a fallen war he looked up at his king walking away silhouetted in the sun and ran after him. So it was only right that he should run after him now. And so he did, Cage ran to his king and fell in step just a few feet behind him smiling enthusiastically. “Where we head ‘n”, he asked and the king glanced at him. A moment passed and his voice was barely audible over the roaring wind. But still Cage heard him say “Wherever the wind takes us”. Cage was overjoyed, he said “us” meaning that he could go to. “I will follow you anywhere your highness”, he said loudly but the king only gave him a narrow glance then shrugged. “Do whatever it is you wish”, he said “I am no longer the king”.

The two figures walked, one clad in black billowing in the wind it looked like he was surrounded by shadows. The other was thin as would the first be if his clothes were not so baggy. Cage’s hair was a light almost white blonde and he wore a chest upon his back a big heavy wooden box held with leather straps. He smiled at his king who only glared which made him smile more, Cage saw that glare as the king’s acknowledgement he would live up to that.


Comments & reviews · 4
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Messenger
Review

I only got one paragraph before having to pause. It's very confusing, and you switch verb tense. I would suggest deciding which tense you want, them fixing this chapter. Also, at he beginning of paragraph 3 you miss an there should be no E or D, and a dash connecting grim and faced.
even if it was small and weak it was a smile something he didn’t often do. This sentence needs a semicolon before something. I also noticed several places where you need commas and periods. Also, you changed verb tense again, and the setting is really confusing. I'm totally lost as to who the girl was, and who the man was that followed the king.
Lastly, you need your commas and periods before the end quotation marks. An example would be all the dialogue at the end of the chapter. I don't mean to sound harsh, and if you fixed these things, especially explaining what's going on and where everybody is, it will really help the reader enjoy the story more.
The story line itself sounds interesting, but I need to know who everybody is to understand what's going on.

I don't know what a semicolon is. The man is Cage, I'm sorry about the confusion and I'll fix it. What do you think the king's name is? :}

This is a semicolon ; I don't know what the king's name is, but you didn't mention it.

No I'm asking if you have a name for him. I don't have one that suits him yet that's why he's still being called the king. ^_^ ToT

Oh, I don't have one right now. In my book I have a king that has no name, but that's because it first-person. Anyway, Duncan is good king name, btu one used in a book series I know.

This king seriously reminds me of Ganondorf from Legend of Zelda, except that this king's the good guy. So maybe go with Garrett ("brave spearman") or Giovanni ("God is gracious") or Gowon ("rainmaker") or Griswold ("gray forest"). Just some cool names.

See Vivian, dragonphoenix can come up with way better names.

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maryanne
Comment

I love your title and how you set up the prologue. It just sucked me in XD the wording is superb and the description is amazing that it seemed so realistic. I can't wait for the second chapter! :D

Thanks the second chapter has already been written but it's short. So I'll tweak this up a bit and then re-post before I get to the next one. Glad you liked it, (knew the title had promise). :)

Well, that was an interesting beginning. Technicalities first, though. You have way too many run on it's like you don't even know, when a sentence ends and when it's time to make a new one that makes it hard to read and, follow what's going on. <- Make sense?
Also, you left out commas where I felt like it would've at least helped reading flow to have them in. For example, " “In a world of ruin they had a king”, said the old man almost hysterical". Put a comma between "man" and "almost". Also, you need a period after "hysterical". So you have many omitted commas and too many in other places (such as your comma splices).
And lastly (that I can think of), verb tense. Pick one and stick with it; none of this switching back and forth between present and past tenses. That's all throughout your story (or at least it felt like it if I'm remembering incorrectly).
Now, with the story itself, this has sort of a myth feel to it. You could do a little better in wording this more fluidly [i.e. "He was her king nothing more, but she found herself wanting more but she knew he didn’t." could be "He was her king-nothing more-but she found herself wanting more from him. However, she knew he didn't (what? explain here)"]. Fixing the punctuation helps, but then so does smoothing out transitions.
Hope this helps!

Okay got it. I don't really realize the time differences but the prologue is a piece from a little further in the story. Thanks for the review.

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Sarrasponda
Review

Hey there Vivian!

This is a pretty cool story idea. Nice idea with the prologue being a man telling a little boy and girl a story. However, you need to better explain the setting of the prologue because most of it is made up of dialogue, but it doesn't describe what's happening at that moment, just a sort of summary of a story of a king ( I am assuming it's the same king you go on to describe in the rest).

Also I noticed in the prologue that you switch tenses between "said the old man almost hysterical" and then in the last sentence "But still the old man goes on not missing a single beat." I'd say since most of your story is past tense, keep it that way and change that second sentence to 'went' instead of 'goes'.

Another thing I noticed throughout your story is the punctuation. It's tricky, I know, but there are places where commas simply must exist to keep away run-on sentences. Over all it's a good story so far and normally a few commas missing are alright but I think that it is definitely something to keep your eye on since it's so prominent in your story.

Ok another thought I had was since everyone hates him, why hasn't there been a rebellion to dispose of him? I also don't understand how since everyone hates him is he still nice or has all the opposition made him sour? I'd think it's more reasonable he'd turn bad. Oh well.

Ok yeah so anyways I thought it was good but I have to go eat something so cutting this review short. Keep writing!

~ Sarra ~

All will be revealed... People can still stay nice, there are some out there. ;D They hated him but they also feared him and everyone knew he kept the world at peace. So that's why there was no rebellion (but truth be told I just thought of that so...) Technically he wasn't nice to begin with, it was just something to past the time. Thanks for the review and I hope this helps.

Yeah thanks so much for clearing that up! I'm serious about it being a good idea. Still not sure exactly why they hated him oh well as you said All will be revealed ;)



It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian