The engine starts before
I get on the bus.
The bus driver is a cotyledon,
shifting levers and making turn signals.
The streetlights extinguish one by one
stars that fade out while sitting atop metal poles.
The smell of exhaust is left behind the bus stop
but I'm still depleted.
Nothing ever stops.
Life never stops.
The bus stops and my feet touch cement again.
Flocks of people flood the hallways
walls of flesh and bone, different heights,
the ceiling is an arch and they are staggered stones.
Arms tied together with sinew handcuffs
until the bell takes scissors to them.
In phalanx formation they will
mow down my self esteem.
Using sarissas to poke at all my insecurities
before I can even make contact with theirs.
Elbows on each back
there's no turning from that.
At the pep rally
euphoria travels through the bleachers
and exits, lingering behind the swarm of bodies.
The faint outline of sneakers
is the only thing left behind.
The leaves are starting to change color,
impeding the cold by turning
different shades of yellow, orange, and red.
The wind is their taxi driver,
but they always end up going back to the earth.
The red numbers on the clock
blink repeatedly,
sending messages to me through Morse code.
My hand is always feeling through the darkness for the 'Snooze' button.
I always need ten more minutes,
but the hands of the clock are closing in on me.
I retract my arm,
and kick blankets off my body.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hi there I am here to give you a review
I am going to split this critique into two sections one being the things that I did like about this poem and the second part focusing more on the things that can be improved upon
Things I like :
Concept : I really loved the idea of time and the pressure that comes with it. The title fit perfectly with the poem and acted as a well thought out hook. My favorite part of this poem is the different use of imagery that you added into the stanzas. As each stanza seemed to tackle a different concept, which was a not quite cohesive as the only thing connecting them was the theme of time, it was a good idea to use various elements to enhance the imagery.
Things that can be improved upon:
These all focus on format but since this is a poem I think it would be better with these tiny fixes.
First off not all the letters in the left hand side are capitalized. Try to make all the lines start with capital letters as this makes it look neater and also gives a better commanding voice to the lines.
The main theme was the passage of time, hence I would have liked it more if you used enjambment a bit more throughout this poem. I am not saying you should have made the whole poem use run on lines however you should have incorporated long flowing lines with short brief ones to create a more tense and drawn out feel.
Thirdly the stanzas do not consist of even lines and the lines in each stanzas are not even in syllables. Try to be as neat as possible unless you did this purposefully to show an element such as disruption or chaos, (however I did not find these elements present).
Please correct me if I am wrong about anything, I would love to know what you think about my points and hopefully you found them useful.
Great job over all though.
~RS
First note, not all the letters have to be capitalized and it personally annoys me when they are this way because it's confusing on the eyes when a line starts and ends. I don't start with capital letters because the line hasn't started or ended and I find it easier to read in this way.
I don't understand what quite you mean with your second point. You're telling me to use line variation it seems with long lines and short lines here, but in the next point, your third point, you go on to say that the lines aren't even so they just seemingly cancel each other out.
On your third point, this was a free verse poem so I don't really know how syllables come into account. I don't know quite what you mean on even lines but I assume you mean they're not all the same, and I personally think the opposite. Lines without any variation would become boring and stale very easily.
That's all I really had to say, feel free to comment again.
hey
ok for the first point I understand that not everyone likes the same thing. I myself on occasion struggle with it.
On the second point I meant the run on lines which is not using a comma after a line which can symbolize the passage of time. While on the third point i was referring to the syllables in the lines.
Immediately after reaching stanza six, I want more of the winter images applied throughout in minor, minuscule ways that would add that final factor of cohesion to the procession of images presented. You've got the deal with school going on, and it's very blatant narrator-drifts-through-life-in-high-school-but-doesn't-exactly-connect-because-depression, which is done but also done decently, so don't sweat the originality factor.
I'm interested in your ability to derealize the very clunky and hard-to-click pieces of machinery and technology on the bus aside from the exhaust fumes that add to the sensory detail (appreciated ++). The clash between natural and unnatural pieces can show a bit jarring throughout, so some tender caution given to them is advised.
A recurring theme in your poetry is the request or demand for more time, and I love that. And I really think the extension of the chilled sensory details could benefit this sensation greatly. Experiment and let me know how it turns out (+ if you can show me).
With the folks in the hallways, I would likely choose between stone images or prisoner images and go in one direction or find a way to meld the two. They almost work already (??) like I'm not even sure how and it's baffling but it does, but also not--so it's another area for care. But I love the scissor cut rope / phalanx motion image and you've got good stuff going on there. It drives your theme home harder than anywhere else without the need of the cold.
I hope the notes help. Your stuff is lovely and getting lovelier. I think you have a piece in you re: the beg for more time that will really shake your roots, and once it sticks, you'll know you've found yourself.
Ty