Published September 4, 2016
Head stuffed with tissues
pull them out of my temples
to blanket nosebleeds
and erase tears off my cheeks.
The sickness is running in my blood
the nooks of my ribcage
are getting pretty thin.
A mouse in a maze
my heart is the prize.
The snap of a mouse trap
sharp echoes through my bones
all the way to my slender fingertips.
Pull at my heart
like the strings of a ceiling fan;
flutter me up even if it is only
temporary.
Wings made of ceiling fan blades
couldn't fly me across the sea..
[[Icarus flew too close to the sun;
I didn't fly at all.]]
The soft outlines of the past on the chalkboard
smeared and wiped away
of any of the words, pictures, or diagrams
that were once there.
Layers of chalk building up, making a balcony
with tall white bars and evergreen colored floorboards.
Catharsis waves washing away
sand castles forming into glass
building on the foundation of grains of sand.
Saltwater hands pulling temporary kingdoms
into the ocean
that sweeps up the messes I make.
Birds pecking at my eyes with uneven beaks
cutting through layers of my eyes.
Turn my body into a scarecrow,
hands made of hay, eyes nonexistent
my heart a pile of stuffing.
Pound my heart with a meat tenderizer
valves bursting.
Dry blood splattering like paint,
flakes over the kitchen counter.
[[Pound my heart]] Until my love is tender.
In my room I will waste away
trying to be good enough.
Dig out my grave in the floorboards
waste my life on thinking about all types of tenses
my shoulders can be.
If the past is a fact
then I don't want to learn it.
If the present is a gift
then I want to give it away.
If the future is a vision
then I don't want to glimpse into it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
126,014 Literary Works • 672,935 Reviews
Heyo, Atsiyatsiekaos! Strange here on this wonderful Tuesday and I have a review for you!
Alright, so you know my whole schtick with what I say isn't meant to hurt to you, it is meant to help you. The writer is the most important person in this whole relationship, so I'll try my best for them to do their best. It's commensalism, but you have yet to take Gen Bio, so who knows.
I wasn't too hot on this. There's a lot here, but the delivery is what drags this poem down. You have the feeling, alright. You have your own style and you don't shamelessly borrow off others. I think that's what makes the poem stand on its two feet. However, it could easily be knocked down. Let's get into this, shall we?
So I told you having your own style is good, right? Disregard that. Right off the bat, the flow literally runs over itself. "Head stuffed with tissues pull them out of my temples" is how it reads. That isn't correct at all. It's poetry, so you can bend the rules, but not that much. A semi-colon would be appropriate in that situation.
You are towing the line when it comes to walking the cow. However, it works. Don't be too flashy or bitter, ever. That is hypocritical, but don't be distract with wordplay. Be clever when you need to be clever.
PUNCTUATION HELPS FLOW AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The flow is what hurts this poem the most. Punctuation isn't needed in poetry, but you aren't trying to show off with this poem. If you were, you'd abuse every function in the Publishing Center. Center it to the left, tabs, make it look like a butterfly or something. Instead, it has average formatting. There's nothing for you to do to make those lines work without punctuation. Commas would help.
Love this. Love love love it. It's clever, cleverness is needed when you want to pack a punch. Not calling this poem not clever, but this is subtle and not flaunting. It made me smile.
Suggestion. Since there is a presence of brackets, it'd be cool if you could cross this out, put it in parentheses, or make it stand up. This line packs a punch, yet it's hidden behind lines that don't. Also, remove the second period..
Pick your poison. The Wings line or this line. The reason why I say that is that these are both designed to stand out. When they're back to back, you're only undermining the first jab with the second.
<3. In all seriousness, this isn't bad. It could be viewed as word vomit because of how dense it is, but it works.
Your most important stanza, yet it fumbles over itself. punctuationpunctuation. If we disregard that, it's still an okay stanza. Your best line, by far, is Catharsis waves. Sweet sweet golly. The saltwater half...disappoints. It gives up. It dips out of the poetic nature and says "GET IT, YOU'RE REMOVING ALL THE MISTAKES THAT I MADE". Not subtle at all. That last line (also *sweep) is devastating.
It's getting repetitive, egh. All the delivery remains the same. Spice it up, make it something that isn't so tough to chew down on.
While this line is good, it ruins it for me. However, I ruined it for me. It reminds me of easily the best YouTube video of all time.
I LOVE YOU, I WANT TO LOVE YOU TENDER.
Decent ending. Not the strongest, but it works. You get out all the angst in the final stanza, and, considering this is an angst poem, you did what you aimed to do. That's all that matters.
Overall, this isn't the best poem. It stands up on its own, but holy hell does it get beat. Ear chewed off, punched in the gut, all that. Flow is vital to the poem, and you make the same missteps repeatedly. If it wasn't for the emotion that you packed, this poem would be a skinned animal. I'm not being a jerkface for no reason because you know I always save a room for Atsie in my metaphorical, YWS heart. Switch it up, become vivid, and know when to go over the top.
If not, it won't go anywhere.
Good job, keep writing, and stay groovy!
Hey, Kaos! Your bestie Casanova here for a review!
Anyway, the first thing I noticed was the flow. It's extremely chop. I think adding punctuation would be extremely beneficial to your work.
Examples:
In the lines,"Head stuffed with tissues
pull them out of my temples
to blanket nosebleeds
and erase tears off my cheeks."
It appears as if it's one sentence. But if you read it as one sentence, without pause and structure, it seems off. I think including commas and semicolons would really benefit this.
In the lines,"Dig out my grave in the floorboards
waste my life on thinking about all types of tenses
my shoulders can be."
The same thing occurs. It's choppy and doesn't flow correctly. Punctuation, when to pause and when not to pause, can make or break an idea. Currently, in my opinion, it's broken this one.
Compared to some of your other works that I've read- this is tame. It doesn't have that spark the others do- and I think that it could really be improved.
The imagery is well thought out- but that's not all there is in a poem. Rhyme and meter aren't important- they restrict the poem. This is very well structured, and the over all flow is okay. Not the best I've seen from you, though.
One of my main questions- it switches between a school-like imagery to an ocean imagery. Why is that? It's an okay comparison- but made reading it a bit hard since I was trying to grasp the meaning.
I do have one particular part of your poem that I do like.
"If the past is a fact
then I don't want to learn it.
If the present is a gift
then I want to give it away.
If the future is a vision
then I don't want to glimpse into it."
These lines are incredible. Amazing. Really easy to relate to, and very well thought out. It's the main reason I liked your poem- it gives the rest of it sustenance. Meaning. Where the rest fall flat- these lines pick it up.
Enjoy your night, keep writing, I expect more!
Sincerely- Matthew Casanova Aaron.
Thanks for the review.
Vivid imagery and consistent tone, the poem is almost beyond criticism. I wish I could write from deep inside like this, and when it try it turns out bad. In many ways the poem is flawless, or feels like it, since it was written from some introspection I cannot understand I can only really grasp at the straws. However it does inspire an introspection in the reader which I can admire and aspire to do. This isn't enough to be a review and I can offer no genuine criticism, enjoyed reading it.
Thank you!
Your poetry never ceases to amaze me. I love it
I'm glad you enjoy it! ^^
this is amazing!!
Thank you so much!