eyes doing push-ups early in the morning while i paint SMPTE color bars onto the tv. paint drips from the top of the screen until it hits the bottom. colors touch at the borders, a meet and greet of monotone colors. the mustard-yellow and pale turquoise shake hands with each other.
crickets chirp at the full moon like they are wolves. their bodies sit outside my apartment window as the cold brushes over my fingertips. in a round, they sing tunes carried by the sticky summer air.
the streetlight rebounds off the road. the faint gleam is run over by the two-ton killing machines that stare straight out into the night without taking a single look at me. chips of paint start to fall off the screen like it is a snake shedding its skin into something new. patches of black start to break through the layers of dead color.
on the floor i sleep into morning with a paintbrush loose in my hand. the blanket of the night lifts up from over groggy heads. i want to pull the night back over my head even if it is just for five more minutes.
my past memories sit inside cardboard boxes. they are stacked against the wall behind the tv; the only thing that i will leave behind. the edges of the boxes so worn that the only thing that keeps them together is tape. i carry each box in my hands, corners digging into the middle of my palms.
i leave the tv sitting in the middle of the room, the cord stretching back to the bare outlet that sits in the middle of the wall. creating the static silence for the next person who will come after me, who will have to bare the tranquility of empty nights alone. the buzzing sound blares out of the tiny speakers on the side of the tv. it is left on a channel that isn't on air. i leave, hoping that the static of the tv channel that is off-air will accompany them, like it did for me.
i hope that the buzzing of the broken television channel with broken bug antennas will become their sleeping sound.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Oi, forgive the lack of exploration into points. Migraines are outrunning the meds today.
The instinct is to make it knowable to the reader what SMPTE bars are since they're generally relics of the 90s/00s but I've always been a fan of folks needing to do a bit of research now and then; besides, you describe the orientation of the colors so that + the fact that it's on a TV should click in the minds of the older readers.
Your portrait of insomnia is almost too romantic, I feel, and I'm almost wont for more of the descriptions to take a more visceral approach due to the entire misery of it all. There's plenty of languishing here, but with each new thought and hour, as it comes across, the narrative feels almost groggily adventurous--for that I'd be cautious.
There are several places where there are tonal whips between simple and small images that serve the static well, then we have guests like ten-ton killing machine and while conceptually it works on a full level, I dislike it for the reading quality? Other instances where words are weak and clunky, doubled down sentence behind sentence, etc. Just make editing sweeps and smooth out the flow.
I think what you want here is a molasses drip. Yeah?
The departure can be taken in a handful of ways, and honestly right now I'd prefer to just take it at the narrative value of packing up and moving. Oooooof course that's not the full case, but I like that it's left open regardless.
Final major note is that your sentence approach is very static in a likely 85-90% coverage being Subject predicates the recipient noun. Changing this is a very easy ticket to an experimental break in flow that can give you breathers in the field a la ao oa, et al. I can't stress how crucial dynamic phrasing is.
Overall decent job.
Ty
Thanks for the review!
Heya, Kaos! Casanova here to review!
Anyway, yeah. You know how this works. I start off with the good(if any, and in my opinion), then the bad(if any, and in my opinion), then I conclude! Haha! To the review, shall we?
I have to say overall I loved this poem. It's not your usual style, and that's bold of you to try something new. Top notch on that, yo.
The imagery was impressive, but then again that always is the case in most of your poetry now adays.
One thing I absolutely loved about this poem was these lines,
" chips of paint start to fall off the screen like it is a snake shedding its skin into something new."
Wonderful, to be completely honest. Imagery is strong, and you kept the idea flowing and whatnot. So, props for that in most of your poem.
One thing that I noticed, and I'm sure was intentional for whatever reason, was the lack of capitalization. In each line you never capitalize anything- which can be off-putting to some people and something I thought I would point out.
Although the imagery was strong, very strong, I felt as if this poem felt a bit.. Dull, as if you were writing it as if you were half asleep and not fully awake and thinking back on the situation. It feels as if emotion wasn't a strong point for this poem, and that it was based around imagery. Imagery is a good starting point, admittedly, and so is good formatting. But sometimes adding something.. More, I guess you would say, is better. You give imagery and details in a block-text formation which gives it no style, and the lack of emotion can make it seem a bit boring in some parts.
Anyway, I hope this helps and that you have a great day.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on-
Your friend- Matthew Casanova Aaron.
Thanks for the review!
No problem
i love this.
thank youuu