Scoop out my insides
and take my head.
Carve drawings across my ribcage,
and illuminate my insides.
The candlelight flickering
up and down my throat.
The outer shell of my body is left to decompose
propped up on the front porch.
Guts formed into a mound,
and left to rot.
Heart left to bounce around,
until it dies out;
a fish out of water.
Each bit of advice
is a counterpoint to another.
All the "Do's and Don't's" cancel each other out;
I don't want to do anything anymore.
This is an attempt at subtlety
to convey a message that no one wants to hear.
I want to be a baby again,
memories slipping out of my head each day
with no blame for the mistakes I make.
My fingers have become familiar
with the Ctrl-Alt-Delete keys.
I want to drive
in the passenger's seat.
Spite like a bee's sting.
Thinking that my loathing of her
will pierce through heavy shoulders.
Dissolving, a tablet on someone's tongue.
Saliva eating away at me until I am nothing,
or at least
not whole anymore.
A heart drawing in black ink,
sits on the back of her hand.
My fingers tightly knit,
could be the ribcage to her black heart
that is composed of a ballpoint pen and stray thoughts.
The white puff of a dandelion drifting in the air
a child's wish,
that they know won't come true.
They send it off with the dandelion seeds
where it will disperse and scatter across the wind.
Replanting itself into the ground,
to become wasted hope for another season.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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126,083 Literary Works • 672,935 Reviews
The amount of your poems that make me want to just comment "Same" and bookmark+leave+come back later slays me.
The power behind your style and voice is that the context built in the first several parts gives potency to the second half, and in that way you succeed in leaving a large impact with the end of the poem without needing to commit to a mic drop. It's a very good quality, but it leaves you vulnerable to the critique that the first halves can, at times, be slow-starting--and for that, the preamble of your poetry requires excess attention to the fluidity and tongue-appeal. Commit to reading aloud during edits, be it in a whisper or a shout. Find the tone appropriate and make sure the text matches the reading.
Second-to-last stanza, you drop AOL Keyword heart twice in a short span; fix it.
I feel (FOR SOME REASON HAHA) that I should avoid commenting on the strikethrough. Just know that it's worth its own note in that it's unnecessary and...irrelevant, almost? I may stand behind that more later. Or less.
Control+Alt+Delete stanza is just brilliant in the way that I wish I would've thought of the phrasing myself. The flow among stating blatantly that you want to be a baby again is questionable, so give it more TLC. Otherwise you're lacking many flaws here, from my read.
The ending leaves an ache and it echoes upon rereading. You succeed. Thank you.
Ty
Same
I’ve always enjoyed writing and reading poetry. There is just something about poetry that is so relaxing. With the many types of poetry, I belie that free-verse is one of the best ways to express yourself.
I understand that what you’ve written is sort of an experiment? For an experiment this was pretty good. The construction and the flow is spectacular. I loved the way you used imagery. The use of figures of speech was impeccable. The way you utilized it created clear pictures in the head of the reader.
My only concern is the division of lines. In poetry, one line is highlighted by the capitalization of the first word of the line. This is just my suggestion.
All in all, this was a pretty great piece on personal identity. Hope this helps. Keep writing!
- LaPetitePrincess
Thank you for the review!