Published July 24, 2016
waking up after being murdered in my dream
wondering if being dead means to wake up
nonchalantly staring at the ceiling
the patterns and how they look like horses or maybe a grim reaper
all depending on what I want to see
snapping screenshots of memories that will come back
while blinking my eyes like a camera
to tap me on the back at the supermarket, "Hey, remember me?"
the contents of my list sing "Ring Around the Rosies"
falling out of my ear during small talk
she clings to me because I am a familiar face
tiptoeing through life so that I leave no footprints
or that at least so no one remembers me
burn my body when I am dead
collect your tears in a jar
to put out the fire
my body will scatter
evidence of existence washed away with a rain or two
if you could do anything if you put your mind to it
then why can't I sleep
the rising and falling of stomachs runs through my head
like a round, all making it sound like one harmonious sound
my mind is a public easel
go ahead and write all over it
and if you say you love me
I will probably believe it
even if you are lying
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Canary word: Present
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127,056 Literary Works • 672,943 Reviews
Heya, Kaos! Casanova here with a review!
So I had one on this started, so I guess I'll go ahead and just renew it.
I'll be taking this piece by piece if you don't mind-
I feel like this stanza is a bit too blunt. You're giving us a list of what's going on, but I don't really feel anything about this stanza besides a,"meh," if you know what I mean. It seems to lack most of any emotion, and I feel like you could have done better with the tools you were giving us. You're giving us being murdered in your dream, you're giving us patterns. Good. Now expand on those ideas and convey what they mean to you.
I feel like saying,"like a camera," isn't really that accurate. I could see an old movie projector, but not a camera. And I also feel as if you're using,"like," to stretch for images here, which would be better without saying like. Metaphors versus similes, if you get what I'm trying to say.
I'm having trouble getting the gist of the first two lines. What I mean is I don't exactly see how they can relate. I could understand saying,"footprints," if you were talking about someone remembering you, but I don't see how they are used differently so to speak.
Here's a contradiction. In the beginning you say waking up, and hear you can't sleep. So, I would suggest possibly changing this line to relax or something o that sort, to keep the uneasy feeling going that I feel like you're trying to describe.
The last three lines here I really, really like. Props for that, and I don't have anything to critique on these lines.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Well we'll my good friend this was not
My favorite poem by you but it was a really
Good one because it has a lot I good words
And has alot of good meaning to it, an I
Liked the way that you sayed is thinking
About being dead meaning it was time for
Me to wake up and if so I might as well. This
Part of the poem I think really spoke to me the most
Because it was telling me that if you are in a bad
Place right at that time you might want to get
Out of Theresa fast as you can so you can
Live to see another day. All I the parts in the poem
We're all brought together and that is what I look
For in a poem and if I don't get it I might not write
As good of a review as I would if you put what I look
For. Also one last thing you need to keep on
Writing and if you are planing on writing a new poem
Or story let me know I would love to read it and
Write a really long but good review about it.
Hey
So I started reading this poem and at first I thought it was about depression, then I thought that maybe it's about self harm and suicidal thoughts and by the end I was convinced it's about unrequited love. But I believe it can be none of this or all of this all depending how a reader interprets it. After all that's the beauty of writing poems. At first I thought I would pin point my fav lines but it was really difficult, every stanza is another poem in its own accord. However, these line stole my heart :
"tiptoeing through life so that I leave no footprints"
"if you could do anything if you put your mind to it
then why can't I sleep "
Well done!
Actually, this was one of my poems without a main or true theme and it included many, but one of them was kind of unrequited love. The other percents of it was that I had rewatched my favorite movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and wrote it off this soundtrack, basing it off what the track made me feel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI-YR4LBzL0
This reference made it even more special. Thanks for sharing!
I really loved your poem! It brings me to a place where i can understand and relate. At the same time it shows a foreignness that i never knew. It's amazing and beautiful and i would love to read more of your work!
thanks!
Lovely! Just the kind of poetry I enjoy. I came to write a review, but I'm having trouble with that, lol.
(I imagine a gong here, nice imagery overall.)
Here goes...
Punctuation. You have a lack of it, honestly I wouldn't mind because punctuation sometimes steals the freedom from verse. Anyway, I would add a period at the end, unless you feel the poem is abstract, or lacks closure.
And then this:
like a round, all making it sound like one harmonious sound
Not too fond of using sound twice. Personally, I would write "like a round, all ringing single loud, one harmonious sound." Could be better, just a quick suggestion.
All in all, I like this piece, it's dark but has nice elements.
Oh and, I absolutely LOVE this line:
"my mind is a public easel..."
I could spin a whole lengthy poem around this!
Keep writing, dear!
- penfeme
oh and darling? If you feel lost or despaired, write any time. I know just how upsetting life can be.
thanks for the review ^^