Young Writers Society

Heya, Kaos! Casanova here with a review!

So I had one on this started, so I guess I'll go ahead and just renew it.

I'll be taking this piece by piece if you don't mind-

waking up after being murdered in my dream
wondering if being dead means to wake up
nonchalantly staring at the ceiling
the patterns and how they look like horses or maybe a grim reaper
all depending on what I want to see

snapping screenshots of memories that will come back
while blinking my eyes like a camera
to tap me on the back at the supermarket, "Hey, remember me?"
the contents of my list sing "Ring Around the Rosies"
falling out of my ear during small talk
she clings to me because I am a familiar face

tiptoeing through life so that I leave no footprints
or that at least so no one remembers me
burn my body when I am dead
collect your tears in a jar
to put out the fire
my body will scatter
evidence of existence washed away with a rain or two

if you could do anything if you put your mind to it
then why can't I sleep
the rising and falling of stomachs runs through my head
like a round, all making it sound like one harmonious sound

my mind is a public easel
go ahead and write all over it
and if you say you love me
I will probably believe it
even if you are lying

Well we'll my good friend this was not

My favorite poem by you but it was a really

Good one because it has a lot I good words

And has alot of good meaning to it, an I

Liked the way that you sayed is thinking

About being dead meaning it was time for

Me to wake up and if so I might as well. This

Part of the poem I think really spoke to me the most

Because it was telling me that if you are in a bad

Place right at that time you might want to get

Out of Theresa fast as you can so you can

Live to see another day. All I the parts in the poem

We're all brought together and that is what I look

For in a poem and if I don't get it I might not write

As good of a review as I would if you put what I look

For. Also one last thing you need to keep on

Writing and if you are planing on writing a new poem

Or story let me know I would love to read it and

Write a really long but good review about it.

Hey

So I started reading this poem and at first I thought it was about depression, then I thought that maybe it's about self harm and suicidal thoughts and by the end I was convinced it's about unrequited love. But I believe it can be none of this or all of this all depending how a reader interprets it. After all that's the beauty of writing poems. At first I thought I would pin point my fav lines but it was really difficult, every stanza is another poem in its own accord. However, these line stole my heart :
"tiptoeing through life so that I leave no footprints"
"if you could do anything if you put your mind to it
then why can't I sleep "

Well done!

I really loved your poem! It brings me to a place where i can understand and relate. At the same time it shows a foreignness that i never knew. It's amazing and beautiful and i would love to read more of your work!

Lovely! Just the kind of poetry I enjoy. I came to write a review, but I'm having trouble with that, lol.

Here goes...

Punctuation. You have a lack of it, honestly I wouldn't mind because punctuation sometimes steals the freedom from verse. Anyway, I would add a period at the end, unless you feel the poem is abstract, or lacks closure.

And then this:
like a round, all making it sound like one harmonious sound

Not too fond of using sound twice. Personally, I would write "like a round, all ringing single loud, one harmonious sound." Could be better, just a quick suggestion. (I imagine a gong here, nice imagery overall.)

All in all, I like this piece, it's dark but has nice elements.

Oh and, I absolutely LOVE this line:
"my mind is a public easel..."

I could spin a whole lengthy poem around this!

Keep writing, dear!

- penfeme