Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
i
No matter the size of a hug or blanket
or the sincerity of comforting words--
it won't be enough."Good news, bad news
which do you want first?"
The bad, so the aftertaste doesn't linger.
ii
Swishing my cup of change around
asking around for people to put some pity in it.
Selling my life story to strangers
like an advertisement in the news;
everyone knows its a scam.
iii
Summer traps me and stops time
putting a jar over my head as I bang on the glass.
The hourglass will eventually run out of sand
and I will run out of time.
With the sand inside they will make
another hourglass.
iv
Shrouding my emotions in metaphors;
a berry in a raspberry bush.
Thorns forcing themselves into hands that try and reach in to take one.
Wear gloves, or otherwise I'll fuck you up.
v
Extracting thoughts and putting them into text
like a game of Operation.
This garden of words has been growing on me like Kudzu
devouring my whole body.
The longest day and shortest night
let me hide in the dark,
it's been one year.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey, it is spectator!!
I'm reviewing your poem? I'm reviewing your poem!! I AM reviewing your poem!!! Now, isn't that exciting??
First off, this poem is freaking amazing!!! I love it so freaking much!!! I can't hardly believe that you're 13 years old - and I don't mean that in a way that is intended to diminish your accomplishments. This poem is excellent by any standards. It stuns me that you are 13 because when I was 13 I was writing poetry along the lines of "everyone is sad/that is bad/it makes me mad." That's not a direct quote, but it's scarily accurate. Anyways, I plan to end this review with the specific things I enjoyed about this poem because I find that can be really helpful (and I might as well stick with the notion of ending things on a good note.)
Now, onto the actually reviewing part (although I am not so sure I am that qualified to give you advice).
I'm going to make some lists since that's how I like to do this...
Quick grammar fixes:
1) In the last line of the second stanza "its" should be "it's"
I think that's it, but I'm a bit of a grammar clutz.
Things I would consider wording/spacing out differently:
1) I agree with Rydia "Good news, bad news which do you want first?" can be a separate line. This is a simple fix, but it makes your first stanza flow a lot better, as well as look neater.
2) I would remove the word around from the second line of your second stanza - it isn't necessary that you use "around" in this location and it sounds repetitive because you just used it in the previous line.
3) In my opinion line three of stanza four would flow a lot nicer if you changed it to "Thorns forcing themselves into hands that try to reach inside and take one" or maybe "the hands..." Something along those lines - mostly I think the phrase "try and reach" sounds weird and doesn't make sense in this context.
4) The phrase "or otherwise" (in the last line of the fourth stanza) is kind of redundant and doesn't make very much sense. You could say "Wear gloves, or I'll fuck you up." or "Wear gloves, otherwise I'll fuck you up."
Places I would clarify/expand on:
1) In stanza one I would say "or the blank (for example warmth) of the blanket" instead of grouping the hug and the blanket together to correspond with size. Or you could just get rid of the blanket entirely. This will make the first and second line of poem match better together.
2) In general I am confused about stanza three. The difference between the two hour glasses isn't that clear. Also, who are they and where did the sand come from?
Things that made this poem amazing:
1) Subject matter - this poem was relatable, but also unique!
2) Your hella rad metaphors. I kinda imaged a mic drop after all of them. They were captivating, while still understandable and they really served to get your meaning and emotion across. Also, you spent the perfect amount of time elaborating on them. I think my favorite metaphor was "This garden of words has been growing on me like Kudzu." That was also really nice imagery!
3) I like the way you separated each stanza. That way each stanza existed in its own little separate world without having to specifically flow/transition into the next one. Instead ther stanzas were tied together by their meaning which I think is more MEANINGful.
I apologize.
4) The first stanza in general is really amazing. It is really well written and I love the idea of the aftertaste of bad news linering.
5) shrouding is a really good word
6) You convey your emotions really well in this poem!!
7) I love the last line because it's super cryptic to the reader, but seems really personal to you/the narrator. The line is simple, which causes it to fade away softly, but the ideas and questions it brings up kind of echo in my mind. This is really cool and freeeeeaakkky.
There's a ship load of other things that make this poem amazing, but I'm going to end this review because it's getting a tad long.
To summarize, BAH your poem is super impressive and I love it.
Write lots and lots more,
~ spectator
thanks for the review!
First of all, I would like to applaud you for forcing me to learn something new and look up 'Kudzu'. That's wild.
i - Personally, I agree. Bad news first. Yep, not much to say here.
ii - This one is, notably, the only verse that doesn't include a physical shroud. This one shrouds the narrator in a lie and a fable rather than a blanket or jar or plant. Is there were a way to play with a double meaning of 'change'?
iii - I'd like to register a disagreement with Rydia (hi Rydia! good review.) with regards to the line 'another hourglass'. In my opinion, the helplessness that comes with that fits with the theme of the stanza. I would wonder why time is stopped in the first line, but continues on nonetheless? (This one is my favorite, btw.)
iv - My suggestion here - in v, you use kudzu as a metaphor, an aggressive, invasive vine. While raspberries are invasive and thorny, blackberries are more invasive - more aggressive in their spread - and thornier - they'd make a better kudzu parallel.
v - This one is the most obtuse. It also reads as a partner piece to iv and iii - plants and summer, respectively. This could be a great closing verse, if it could tie to i and ii too!
Overall, these verses have some pretty language in them and are all, indeed, metaphors cloaking meaning.
While I wasn't sure at first why these poems in particular were placed together, it, in a pensive fashion, does read... 'correctly'.
Hey there Yams!
I think this line should be split. You don't have enough of a meter going on for it to be worth trying to cram two lines together which don't naturally fit and you'll still get those nice half rhymes and the gentle rhythm even if you drop the "Good news, bad news on to its own line. Then maybe end it with a - as well so the next line follows a little more smoothly.Specifics
1.
2. Around isn't an interesting enough word to repeat, much as I like the double meaning. It also makes these two lines a little light on interesting words - it's all ordinary ones like put, of, in, it, my etc. Maybe try something like:
Swishing my cup of change around,
soliciting enough pity to fill me up.
That would add another nice s sound.
3.
I'm not sure why but I feel like this needs to be reworded, to be made more active tone rather than passive. Like - 'They will use the sand inside to make/ another hourglass'. And maybe that should be 'a newer hourglass' or 'a different hourglass'?
4. This line's too long. Maybe:
Thorns forcing themselves into hands
to stroke the red juiciness
5. Don't jump to another simile quite so soon! How is it like a game of operation? Do some thoughts cause alarm when they're taken out or is it just that some thoughts are harder to get than others?
Overall
Is there a challenge going around to write about the homeless? This is the second piece I've read on the subject today. Anyway! I think it's a good poem, though it goes off the rails a bit in stanza 4 and for me that's your weakest. I wasn't overly keen on stanza 5 either, though I love the last line, but the beginning feels like too many ideas being crammed in at the end.
The first two stanzas are strong enough to carry it though and the overall theme comes across well.
Thanks for the read!
~Heather
This wasn't really about the homeless xD, it was more about me asking around for people's pity. Thanks for the review!
Oh, boy did I get that wrong xD Sorry! I think it was the swilling the change around and selling stories to strangers that gave me that image but even without that interpretation, it's a good poem! And I think it gives a strong sense of the emotions, even if the context isn't one hundred percent clear.