I'm having trouble picking my poison

Heyo Yams! I'm here for review day, and to keep Team Potter in the lead! GO TEAM POTTER

Anyway, let's begin, shall we? I like that you use the reoccurring theme of pollution in your poem, but in different ways. It really is a nice way to beat around the bush, as it were.

To be honest, I think you should delete stanza IV. I think it tells too much. You don't want to push the meaning into the reader's face. It's also the first time you address a "you." It's quite late in the poem to be introducing someone else.

There are a few typos here. You break a line mid-word in the first stanza, and you've got a period (probably) accidentally beginning a line in the second section.

The fuel and pollution is a really nice connection between the first two sections. I wonder if you could make another connection in the third section. I think instead of stains of the past, you could say something about fuel stains, or petroleum, or where the rug was burned and put pollution into the air. I feel like it's a major theme of the poem that should be in all sections, even if mentioned in passing.

The sharpie thing is a really dark image to start out with. I was surprised at how vulnerable it made the narrator right away, but it fits with the poem. It's meandering and dark, like a maze, and all you can see is pollution overhead.

Overall, I really like this piece, and I think with a bit of tweaking and a few additions to even out the theme, it'll be really nice. Thanks for posting this, Yams! I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing, and happy review day!

The poem is actually nice and sad. I sense some depression from this poem. It's like the persona is about die or something. The concept, the story, is actually good. I read a lot of depressing poems, that's why. And I can see some potential to it.

Although, my advice is, try to make it short. There are some lines that are too long. Also, I sense some mistakes in the poem.

For example, in the second line of the first stanza: you placed there "cutting mysel", it's "cutting myself"...you must have forgotten to add "f" in that word. Next line, the same stanza, do you mean, "or maybe" instead of "for maybe"? And then, the period in the third line, second stanza. I don't think that should be there. Or was it, you did it on purpose?

* Please do review your poem before posting it next time, okay


If you don't mind, may I suggest on making the poem short? There are some words that I find it unnecessary. Hopefully you agree on me too. Or probably I'm just too old school or too traditional. Been practicing writing a poem since my poetry class. Hehe. I will try my best not to ruin the entire poem.


I

Two red sharpie marks on my left arm
Maybe that's where I end up cutting myself
Maybe
Just trying to find meaning in the meaningless

When will I realize the clouds
Do not look like an elephant doing a handstand?
The factory I walked past
Eventually pollute the air and kill

II

Feeding off the irritation and hate
Fight off depression from emerging
Oiling my insides
So I can keep walking,
Moving,
My thoughts can't catch up to me

Hate is the cheapest fuel
polluting and killing species
I'd make a switch that alternates fuel called "Kindness"
But if others don't, why should I?

III

I'm afraid of brain tumors
Commitment and snapping
I fear more of standing on the same rug
That stains the past

(Don't need to repeat them again. The reader can easily get the message.)

IV

(The rest is okay)


So that is it I didn't do all of them because the others are okay.


Hope you keep writing

An all too familiar theme, for me in particular. Specific thoughts and associations with mental health issues are brought to light in a metaphorical, yet clear way. As for spelling and grammar, there were several mistakes, although they might have just been stylistic desicions. The parallel structure was interesting, although the flow of the poem could be a bit better.
Thank you!
~Joelsweet
(Ps-Keep in mind that I am by no means a professional poet, haha)