A worm slithering through an apple
through it's core.
The holes it came in and out of turned black.
Rotting,
turning to mush on the ground,
left behind by the worm.
The worm moving on
corrupting new fresh apples.
Sending one hole,
a gunshot through an apple,
making it decay.
The apple decomposes into the ground
so that it blends with the rest of the earth
being drained of its nutrients.
After several weeks and several rains
the apple is swallowed whole by the earth.
It tried to stay afloat in the shallow water of a puddle
though it lay at the bottom.
Soon the worm will sift through the apple again
when it is soil.
The worm will not recognize,
the lover they had put to the grave.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Once again, Hi!
This one i promise I won't have as much critism as my past ones. Well again first off, the commas. It's killing me lol. But overall I really like this. It has a lot of imagery and is well structured. It has a good beginning, middle and end. I don't know why you'd write this poem, but I like it. And I get it because I also write random things. Well yeah not much compared to my last reviews lol. Keep up the good writing Yams!
Yeah. There were a lot of commas on accident xD
Well that's dramatic.
So main thing, don't reuse too many words. Your first two lines both use through, so erase one of them. Overall, good job. I think you have a nice dramatic poem.
You do need to work on delivery though, because of the odd comma use at the end in the last stanza, and then unnecessary "they had put to the grave" because we know that's how it got there. That was what the poem was about after all, so no need to repeat it.
Overall I really like how you use the decaying processes of an apple to it's fullest, dramatizing how it gets from point a to point b, but you do need to take a look and see what words you can remove. See what's just not needed, like "several weeks" because you could just say "Several rains away and the apple/ is swallowed whole by earth." or something fancy like succumbed or submerged considering it's water.
Food for thought ^.-
Aley
Thanks for the review! It was helpful :3