Published February 4, 2016
Mother says not to swim in the lake
because there are brain-eating amoeba in it.
Figures walk in--fully clothed;
their thoughts are slowly devoured until they can't think for themselves.
Mother doesn't like it when I dip my toes in,
talking of how there could be glass that could cut them off.
Making up every possible excuse to make me not want to go into the water.
Mother prefers for me to watch from afar; like a lifeguard.
People flailing in the water trying to stay afloat
most don't.
Water invades their lungs and nostrils forcing them open.
A robber of life that sneaks in without a sound except for the splashing.
Splash.
Splash.
...........
Mother must like my fear of the ocean.
When I look in from the top
I cannot see the bottom.
Dropping rocks into the water
it creates tiny circular waves
though I still cannot see the bottom of the ocean.
Mother was the one
to push me into the ocean of life.
She stood by the shoreline and held me and let my feet touch the water.
Mother walked deeper and deeper into the ocean
I can only see her head.If she swims further
she will drown.
Mother did not know how to float
most don't.
I am kicking my legs and moving my arms
to keep my head above.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,586 Reviews
I like this but it is slightly confusing. The last 2 stanzas was slightly confusing. Maybe you could add a little more to explain the poem? This is just a suggestion.
I could see this turning into a short story, I think you should try to make one like this. It would be really cool.
I like the way you divided the poem in to two parts. Separating the two different types of bodies of water was a good idea.
You have talent so keep writing and never stop!
Hi Yams, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Theme: I am not quite sure what the theme is, but I'll make a guess. (I'm not good when it comes to deducting poetry.) I think the theme is that the mother tries to protect her child from the world, but then ultimately falls, taking her child with her. Just a guess though.
Description: Your description is quite vivid and paints a pretty good picture for me. I feel that the only thing missing is a little bit of colour. That is just a suggestion though, because the poem is pretty perfect already.
Grammar and punctuation: As far as I can see there are not grammar or punctuation mistakes and don't take poetry advice from me when it comes to punctuation.
Small suggestions: I wouldn't change your poem at all.
Overall a great poem and I really look forward to the next one of your poems. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend Felistia.
I love the feel of this segment. The way you used your wording was lovely, and yet almost felt completely tragic. If that's not what you were going for, perhaps I misread. You have an interesting mind!
Darn grammar errors, nailed it ;-;