Published February 25, 2016
Bones hollow
like a cicada shell
left by a cicada that broke out of it's shell
on the branch of a tree.
Crushed inside skin
into fragments.
Don't have to clean the mess up
having to carry the mess around.
Getting stuck in my flesh
and
blood vessels.
No structure;
organs piling at the bottom of a fleshy body.
Heart rumbling beside a kidney;
a phone call never answered.
An alarm clock never put on snooze.
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Canary word: Present
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140,555 Literary Works • 673,430 Reviews
Oh wow, Hi again yams! I know my first review for you was a little heavy on reading but I promise to do less this time
.
Well first off,
"like a cicada shell
left by a cicada that broke out of it's shell" This is alright, but personally I don't see the appeal in repeating the same kind word (cicada) unless it's for a specific reason. I feel like another word could be used. (I'd give an example but I'm at a loss) Also the
"Don't have to clean the mess up
having to carry the mess around.
Getting stuck in my flesh"
I think would be better if it was "Don't have to clean the mess up, carrying the mess around and getting stuck in my flesh and blood vessels" or something. Again just my opinion.
Also please, use commas next time, that drove me crazy lol.
Last thing I promise though, is those last two lines, with a phone and am alarm clock, seems again a little random. This is very short but it's pretty good. I wish I could read more of it actually. Get more of the reason why it was written or what the story of it is.
This is pretty good! I really like the way you use metaphors in this poem; I think you do a nice job of it. A couple feedback thingies, though: The second and third lines of the first stanza are somewhat redundant. Perhaps this is purposeful, but if it is not, I would change it. It sounds sort of strange. Also, you say that something was "crushed inside skin" on the first line of the second stanza. I know that this is meant to be abstract, but I would clean it up a little bit by at least specifying what is crushed inside the skin. If you want to make it even clearer... what kind of skin is this thing crushed in? Even after these things, I thought that this was a very nice poem!!