A collage of other people
mis-mashed pieces to form a body.
An expensive heart bought from the black market.
At least it functions.
A collage of
tiny pieces making a whole.
Tiny pieces that came from other wholes.
Stolen to make my own.
Half-heartedly pouring my heart out
[[My heart is glue straight from the bottle]]
onto a blank sheet of paper.
She says,
"You don't need someone to complete you."
and she is right because someone is only one person.
I need more.
My internal organs are crumpled up paper balls
in different shapes.
Skin made out of newspaper.
I am old news.
Already read, t
ossed into a corner,
and reused as a place for dogs to piss.
Douse me in gasoline and light me on fire.
When I am ashes scatter me.|
I will fade like a T-shirt,
into the ground.
When I am ashes
the wind will carry the specs of what I used to be to
somewhere new.
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Hello Yams, I'm back to review as promised.
I'm digging what you've got going here. You've got some nice imagery.
There are a few things that I'd like to address, however.
1. While rules in poetry are made to be broken, it is a good rule not to break lines after weak words. Here, I don't actually mind it too much, but part of me is saying you shouldn't end that first line on "of." To fix that, you could combine the first two lines, so it would all be one line.
2. Here, the repetition of tiny pieces and wholes is not too bad in the effective department, but it's kinda clunky because it's so close together. To make it not so awkward, try saying
While you're still repeating "wholes" here, it's drawing similarity to prove a point.
So many hearts in just two lines! Try to find other ways to say heart so they're not all repeated so close together.
I like this part.
you're already making a metaphor here and you just added another layer. I don't think that this part is really doing anything for the poem. Don't add another image right in the middle of something already metaphorical. That's like saying,
"Her eyes were as blue as the ocean, which is as big as the sky." You're describing a metaphor with a metaphor that takes away from the main point. You've got some metaphorception going on.
Specs as you use it here is short for specifications. I think you meant specks.
I like the idea of being formed of little parts of other people. I agree with this. Who we meet and who we love shape us for the rest of our lives, whether we know it at that moment or not. Yams, this is a really nice, mature example of your work. I'm excited to see how much you've grown since I've known you <3
I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy review day!
Whoa dude. Will be back to review.
(little atsmai is growing up :') )
Hello, Suzette here to review!
(I might be a bit rusty so please excuse me.)
Okay, first stanza. I like this, I'm getting a feel for what the rest of the poem will be like and that's good. I, however, have never heard mis-mashed. At least I don't think so. I've always heard mish-mashed. But it might be my ears, because they are lousy losers. Okay, second stanza is great, I'm loving it. It makes sense, goes with the poem so far, and stays on track. Third stanza is really nice. It's reminding me of those people on shows that are grabbing things like ¨I need this, you get it later.¨. Also, what I feel like you're starting to say here is that you aren't really your own person. Fourth stanza, I don't know if the brackets here were a typo, but I like them. I know, I'm weird. But I see it as I need to ponder on this for a moment, so I do, and I give it a million meanings and then I go back to reading the poem. When I finish the poem the whole thing can mean a million different things, and that's how I like my poetry. But that's my opinion. Anyways, I like it, the whole stanza. Fifth stanza, so you need more than one person, right? Multiple people. I assume this is referring to all the ¨people¨ that make you up. Sixth, I like this one. Other than the typo I see no problem. I like it all. Seventh and eighth, love it. This is the end, and you ended it like the end.
Remember this is your poem so don’t let anyone change it.
Keep Writing,
Suzette
Hey yams,
and never quit writing 
Great job dude. This work of your is really fascinating. You know what I was pretty much shocked to read your work. from your title I thought that it was going to be something about you know collage... But yeah you surprised me by using the other meaning of collage. I love the way your poem has more than one meaning and the bit of science you have used is quite refreshing
Here is a nitpick,
"Already read, t
ossed into a corner,"
ossed? I guess you left the "t" in the previous line
Anyway, I loved your poem.
Great job! keep it up
Fangirl~
Hey there!
Goodluck Yams, Collage was a great poem.
Well first off, the first two stanza's, I swear they remind me of steam punk or a sci-fi Frankenstein <3
I'm not sure what to think of the glue straight out of a bottle though, is that maybe because the heart in a way helps you hold yourself together? So like a simile or something? I also don't get why it's off to the side in brackets, especially double brackets.
As I read on, it starts to make a little more sense, but the first two stanzas are a bit different from the others. from saying you are made from different people to different paperbills.
" t
ossed into a corner, "
I assume you also mean "tossed into a corner,"
'When I am ashes scatter me.|" I assume that last line "|" was also a typo.
Well overall, I really like this poem, it had a lot of interesting similes, metaphors, and imagery. But it seems a bit random to me. It sort of jumps all over the place. You seem to have a main theme of being a college, but the way you structure your poem is strange, you might need to work on your transitions from one part to the other. But other then that this was really good and I look forward to reading another one of your poems.
Oh yeah, one last thing. You say this is all a collage, but it seems a little random when you get to the end. Just my opinion, but I hope this helps.
Thanks for the review! And yeah, those were typos xD