Coatless Boy.
He is walked by but never talked to.
Wondered why, though never asked the words,"Why don't you have a coat?"
Coatless Boy.
Sitting on the sidewalk with his back against a restaurant building.
He is curled up in a ball so he doesn't make people trip.
People tell him, "Get out of the way!", never saying, always thinking,
he's dead space.
Coatless boy.
The start of a conversation of the people who were rude to him earlier.
Fake pity and fake sympathy comes out of their mouths.
Believing even themselves that they had felt bad for him.
Not in one bit is he understood,
only used as a status booster for people to make themselves sound like good people.
Coatless Boy.
It is mid-Winter and no one ever sacrifices their
"precious time"to ask him his story out in the cold.
No one dared to ask as the saying stood true to them: "The cold killed the person sitting out in mid-Winter asking a boy who they didn't even know his life story."
Coatless Boy.Hoping on Groundhog Day that Winter will end.
Pain is the only thing that follows him around like a stray cat.
He does not feed into it;
he does not have anything to feed it anymore.
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
review, so I apologise if I am a bit rusty, but here goes!
Firstly, I'd just like to point out a couple of fairly simple punctuation errors. I won't spend too much time on these, but you need to add a space here and there, after "precious time" or "words," for instance.
So one of the most important points that I appreciated about this poem is that, when you use a metaphor, you do so in such a way that still implies/suggests a literal sense, the "stray cat" becoming something fitting in the situation you have illustrated, making the metaphor more powerful.
In the first stanza I would question the phrasing, as, in my case at least, there was a slight initial misunderstanding, causing an unwanted hiatus in the rhythm. So if we look at the stanza as a whole:
"Coatless Boy.
He is walked by but never talked to.
Wondered why, though never asked the words, "Why don't you have a coat?""
So you establish the pronoun reference in the first line to be the coatless boy, meaning in the third line the automatic assumption is that you are referring to the coatless boy rather than the passers by, when in fact, as is established later on in the line, you are referring to the passers by. Personally, to amend this, I would say "They wondered why" as opposed to "Wondered why.
Another thing I particularly liked about the poem as a whole was the planned out effect of the ending. Classically speaking, it would be fair to assume a climactic or resolving phrase within the last two lines or so, however, given the subject matter, your less dramatic ending is far more appropriate, as it leaves the reader in a in a seemingly more hopeless position and increases empathy for the character.
So, for my last point, I'd like to suggest a line that needs reworking or expansion. to me, the line "Not in one bit is he understood," doesn't have the effect it should due to clumsy phrasing or word choice. I would suggest re working this line, or at least the phrase "in one bit." "in the slightest may be a more suitable alternative.
Yours,
Take That You Fiend
Oh how I love this. I'm going to just jump into this. The structure of this piece is subtle enough to jsut read and flow nicely. The repetition of "Coatless Boy" is so crucial and you implemented it beautifully but simply at the same time. Your diction is beyond appropriate for this piece which allows it to peak to it's full potential. The hints of imagery and figurative tools are the icing on the cake. My favorite line, also a brilliant way to close, is " Pain is the only thing that follows him around like a stray cat." This seals in the tone of the poem. I don't notice any grammitcal errors. Usually, I have constructive criticism to offer but this piece is poetically sound. Can't wait to read more of your works!
Your friend,
Cheaper
Some Criticisms and Praise:
-"Believing even themselves that they had felt bad for him." Awkward sentence structuring. Try "believing they felt bad for him" or something that would fit the poetic stance.
-"Pain is the only thing that follows him around like a stray cat." Awesome.
-"he does not have anything to feed it anymore." OH MY GOD.
-"Wondered why, though never asked the words,"Why don't you have a coat?"" What do you mean by 'Wondered why?' Are you suggesting people have wondered why he hasn't the coat? Somewhat confusing, at least to me.
-"Fake pity and fake sympathy comes out of their mouths." Fake pity and sympathy will work fine, there's no need to repeat the word 'fake', unless you're giving a synonym instead so it doesn't sound needlessly repetitive.
Overall:
I've always liked little thoughtpieces on the poor or other things usually casted aside by us normal folk. They give a meaning to people that we've treated as furniture, which is always a good thing--I think that we could always use a little more humanization.
The writer is an observer of human struggles, and learning this skill is essential in making characters as human as possible. I've heard you say, occasionally, that you aren't a good writer--this proved that you're a liar and I hate your guts (nah, jk jk). With a little more editing this could prove an immensely powerful piece worth everybody's time.
Signing Out. --EM.