Young Writers Society

Hey TL! Sorry for the incredibly long delay...but here it is!

‘Druuuuuuuth. We looked at it all yesterday.’

Like CastlesInTheSky noted, at the moment it seems like chat-speak.
Try something like this: ‘Dru-uth’.

The girl sighed. Druth held out the glass jar. It contained a large amount of sea water and a small, silver-shining fish. The girl took the jar, cocked her head to one side and surveyed it critically.
‘Fish.’

‘Fish.’ Should begin a new line break.

The tide was out, and Druth and the girl sat on the dry sand near the small path leading up from the beach back to the village.

There’s too much information in this sentence. ‘the tide…the girl…the sand…the path…the beach…the village…’
It just needs to be broken up.

The wind tousled his thick black hair out of its usual straight neatness and blew strands into his face.

Hmm…I don’t know if I like this sentence. It sounds awkward if you read it aloud. I also think that ‘neatness’ can be dropped. I don’t think it fits well in this sentence.

She had smudges of charcoal on her forehead where she had brushed away long strands of [s]her long[/s] dark, wispy hair from her face.

The description of her hair seems jumbled together. I love description, so I’ll let you get away with the ‘long, dark, and wispy,’ but first we need to reword the sentence a bit.

Druth’s strong, stocky figure was [s]very[/s] black against the horizon; a living shadow against the shining expanse of water and [s]softly[/s] pastel-streaked sky.

See how the sentence gives the exact same message and feeling even without those two words? Too much description is not a good thing. (Trust me, I know.)

She squinted into the setting sun, and saw Druth take a few steps into the waves.

A gull mewed, a long drawn-out wild wail.

Nothing wrong with this sentence. I just don’t like the use of the word ‘mewed’. I think you can come up with something better.

Druth was standing in front of her, arms akimbo and feet widespread on the sand.

Nothing wrong here, either. I really like the word ‘akimbo’, though. Your grammar has been fantastic so far! Good job.

Your family was dead, you hated me, and you needed something to comfort yourself with.’

It makes more sense to add ‘and’ before the last ‘you’.

‘Because that was the only way you’d listen!’

It seems to me that Druth is a young man, and seems to be the girl’s teacher. This exclamation here makes him sound very immature. I think if you removed ‘Because’ and turned this into a statement rather than exclamation, it will make him appear more like an adult and less of a child.

The sun flashed off the surface of the water, turning the blue-grey a bright, dazzling, rippling gold.

OK, time to choose: bright, dazzling, or rippling? Pick one and ditch the other two.

A tear dripped hot and wet off the end of her nose. [s]and she dashed[/s] She wiped it [s]furiously[/s] away furiously.

This sentence was a bit of a run-on. The word ‘dash’ also felt a little awkward. I think it would be best to replace it with something else.




I enjoyed this very much! This was a refreshing and original idea. Your grammar was especially amazing. There were a few instances were you went a little crazy with the description (I'm guilty of that also), but overall I think it is written rather well.
I love the girl's personality and I think not revealing her name makes the story more captivating. However, I agree with almost every other critique and think that her age is extremely confusing. There are several instances where she appears to be a young teenager as well as an eight-year-old.
I do like how you told us about her past in a casual way. It was especially clever because you also managed to show us a deeper look into the relationship between her and Druth at the same time.
As for Druth, I really like his character. I can't wait to read more about him and his 'Sense'.
You also introduced the 'Sense' power to the audience in a subtle, yet sudden way. By that I mean you didn't build up the tension as if it were a big deal...and then they speak to each other with their minds! That was a nice touch.

Basically, I have nothing but compliments for this piece! As I said before, it's an original idea and I was very happy to review it. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work!


*anti-pop

Here as requested, Twooster. I've done this lengthy critique about three times and my computer's deleted it every single time. So forgive me if I sound crabby.

‘Druuuuuuuth. We looked at it all yesterday.’

I find the use of multiple 'u' s in Druth makes this a bit too colloquial, a bit too chat-speak. Maybe show the elongated word some other way.

‘And we’re going to be looking at it again today.’

‘It’s a fish.’

‘A pretty fish.’

‘A boring fish.’

‘Which will make excellent study material.’

I rarely start novels with dialogue, mostly because I can never think of anything important enough to say. However, sometimes dialogue is the best way to get your novel off to a running start. If there’s something you want to get right out in the open, dialogue can thrust your reader right into the opening scene of the novel.

That said, you have to be careful. Resist the urge to start your novel with mundane dialogue. The first line of your dialogue was great for hooking the reader, but the rest was slightly different. If you plan to open with dialogue, it must be intelligent, important and captivating.

My only real advice for starting your novel with dialogue is to have only one line of speech before you insert some explanations. Even if the characters are in the middle of a conversation, don’t confuse your reader by failing to give details.

The girl sighed. Druth held out the glass jar. It contained a large amount of sea water and a small, silver-shining fish. The girl took the jar, cocked her head to one side and surveyed it critically. ‘Fish.’

Am I being deliberately slow, or should 'silver-shining' not be hyphenated?

Druth poked a stub of charcoal at her and pointed to the sheet of paper spread out on the book before her.

You can't really poke a stub of charcoal at somebody. To clarify this, I would rephrase as, "Druth poked her arm with a stub of charcoal." Savvy?

‘Draw it. Then label up the fins and tail and organs.’

Nix 'up'. You normally just label things. Then it would read, 'Then label the fins and tail and organs.' I dunno about you, but to me that just makes more sense.

A few tough clumps of weathered green grass poked out of the sand, rustling in the cold wind.

The adjective dump makes this sentence a bit clunky. I would nix 'green', because it's redundant as people tend to know the colour of grass anyway, and 'green' is an overused description of 'grass'.

Druth closed his eyes and inhaled the air, cold and burning in his throat.

Using two such contrasting adjectives as 'cold' and 'burning' gives the reader a very weird impression of what exactly is happening in Druth's throat. To clarify this, I would either remove 'cold' or 'burning', or rephrase: 'Druth closed his eyes and inhaled the cold air burning in his throat.' That at least flows better.

The wind tousled his thick black hair out of its usual straight neatness and blew strands into his face.

I'm not sure about 'straight neatness.'

She had smudges of charcoal on her forehead where she had brushed away strands of her long dark, wispy hair from her face.

The repetition of 'from her face' and 'hair' in two consecutive sentences is a bit unnerving. To avoid this repetition, I would rephrase quoted sentence as, 'She brushed away long dark, wispy strands from her forehead, leaving smudges of charcoal on the skin.' Or something along those lines.

He shook his head. ‘Na. Carry on with your drawing.’

I don't think 'Na' should be italicised, because Druth isn't placing particular inflection on it, he's simply contradicting her. Italicising it disrupts the flow somewhat.

She had tried to shade in the scales, smearing it with the tip of one finger, and it was as though the fish had been caught in a curve of movement, turning in on itself, fins outstretched and tail unfurling.

This is completely unhelpful, but I had to say it - nice description.

The girl gave a delighted squeak and bounced on her knees. ‘Sa, sa, sa!’

'Sa, sa, sa' doesn't completely make sense to me, as I have no idea what it means.

The girl watched him go, one hand raised to push her hair back out of her eyes.

I'm getting a bit weary with the constant repetition of 'brushing hair from face', but whatever you like. I would rephrase this sentence as, 'The girl watched him go, brushing hair back out of her eyes with a raised hand.' That way, you're narrating it as we go along, if you get my drift.

She squinted into the setting sun, saw Druth take a few steps into the waves.

Replace the comma with 'and'.

A gull mewed, a long drawn-out wild wail.

Nix the comma. It disrupts the flow.

It’s… it’s preening some more.

‘Turning over stones looking for something to eat. Now don’t be like that,’ he said, as the girl sighed, ‘you’ve just got to persevere. You’re not the best at using the Sense, but with enough time, any idiot can learn.’

There should be a comma after 'stones'.

‘Oh thanks.’

Comma after 'oh', to be grammatically correct.

The girl took a handful of sand and let it trickle out between her fingers.

Nix 'out'. If you're not happy with it, maybe add, 'and let it trickel out between the gaps in her fingers.'

He sat down on the rock in front of the girl, his crooked dark eyebrows drawing together into a glare.

Into = In. Makes more sense.

The sun flashed off the surface of the water, turning the blue-grey a bright, dazzling, rippling gold.

Eeek. Too many adjectives to describe gold, it sounds like you're cramming too much in. Bright helps the flow as it's not got the same syllable count as the others, but nix either 'dazzling' or 'rippling'. I'd nix 'dazzling' as it's the more cliched one.

She flinched away, blinded, and looked angrily back over her shoulder to see whether Druth had gone yet.

I had to re-read the first part of this sentence to understand the meaning of 'blinded'. I'd rephrase as, 'Blinded, she flinched away,' .

He hadn’t. He was sprawled face-down in the sand a few paces away from the path.

Comma after sand.

Her feet slipped in the sand, and she half-fell down at his side.

No hyphon in 'half-fell.'

She heaved him over on to his back and frantically rubbed the sand off his face. ‘Druth? Druth!’

I don't think you'd 'rub' sand off somebody's face. I think 'brush' would be a better replacement. Hence, 'and frantically brushed the sand off his face.' Sounds better, eh?

Laying her hand on Druth’s hot forehead, she closed her eyes and reached out with her mind into the mad, buzzing cacophony of thought that was inside Druth’s brain.

Thought = Thoughts.


Overall Comments - Good& Bad

I

I liked it, Twooster. I normally detest fantasy fiction but your work makes it really enjoyable for me.

Your description is generally very good and balanced, you're great and not cluttering the page up with long-winded paragraphs but still giving a very strong visual image of the characters' surroundings. What I would suggest is sometimes think about the flow of sentences and be more careful choosing words, see how they fit in the text and whether they're hindering the flow or improving it. Being descriptive is more than just inserting a string of descriptive words. It’s carefully choosing the right words and using them sparingly to convey your meaning.

In order for readers to fully experience what you’re writing about, they need to be able to see, hear, taste, smell and touch the world around them. Try to use language that incorporates several senses, not just sight.

II

The characters in this are developing well, which is brilliant for the first chapter. I love the character of Druth, he's sarcastic and condescending to the little girl but it's obvious he's oddly fond of her and wants to protect her, or whatever. Their relationship worked quite well in this, apart from some of the dialogue between them, which I found a bit unrealistic. Dialogue can give your reader a great deal about character, emotion and mood. It's one of your strong points, so you need to develop it further and show more emotion through it.

III

However, there's a problem with the girl. Her age seemed to fluctuate throughout this chapter, because the reader is never quite sure of what it is. One minute she's deep in concentration, sketching the picture, and seems really mature and dedidated. The next, she's whining like an infant or bouncing up and down in the sand in glee. I think you need to find a happy medium with this character, establish what her age is and stick to it so that it is more constant throughout your novel. I think you would be best putting her in the middle of both ages, as she's likeable when she's immature and the moments where Druth frowns at this are funny, but it gives her more depth when she's maturer and concentrating. Just find what you're more comfortable with, and stick with it.

IV

I liked the way you told the history and story of the girl through dialogue. It was very cleverly done and was also a way of showing how the two characters interact and what their relationship was like. It was also a clever way of showing and not telling, which most pieces on this site seem to be afflicted with. It worked well but I think we should have had more emotions in this chapter. There was emotion at the end, but it was slightly weak, I think you could have developed it further and made us actually care about the characters and feel what they were feeling.

Anyway, that's all for now. I hope this helped.

Good luck!

-Sarah

Hey,

I absolutely loved this. I'm usually not big on fantasy, but I really wanted to read Scavenger and I am very glad I started to do so. As I did not read the other first chapter I can tell you that this works very well as one. It really drew me in and I would be glad if you'd let me know when there's more.

Characters

I immediately liked the narrator. She seems like a really quirky, fun, yet very strong-headed girl of a rather young age. I suppose she can be rather stubborn, but she also gives the impression of being very sharp. I love to hear her arguing with her teacher and she seems to enjoy mischief, which I find very intriguing as well. To make it shot: She's a hit.

Druth seems like a strict, yet patient enough teacher. There's really not a whole lot more I can say, except that I like him.


A Nitpick

I actually just saw that Heather picked out the very same thing and suggested the very same hing I was going to suggest.

She had smudges of charcoal on her forehead where she had brushed away strands of her long dark, wispy hair [s]from her face[/s].

We know that she's wiping them from her forehead, so why mention that she's wiping them out of her face. We can think that far.


Other than that I don't have much to say. I really liked it =) Keep going!

All the best,

~Kalliope

Just a few specific comments to add to those above:

‘So, do we kill it?’

‘No. We’re going to look at it.’

‘Druuuuuuuth. We looked at it all yesterday.’

‘And we’re going to be looking at it again today.’

‘It’s a fish.’

‘A pretty fish.’

‘A boring fish.’

‘Which will make excellent study material.’

[I'm not a huge an of dialogue without tags or of starting novels with passages of dialogue because it's so hard to visualise what's going on and it makes for a strange first impression of characters. I think you should give just a little setting, just to start us off and well, set the scene.]

The girl sighed again, took the charcoal and began to draw. For some time there was no sound save for the faint squeak of charcoal on paper and the murmur of the sea. The tide was out, and Druth and the girl sat on the dry sand near the small path leading up from the beach back to the village. A few tough clumps of weathered green grass poked out of the sand, rustling in the cold wind. Druth closed his eyes and inhaled the air, cold and burning in his throat. The wind tousled his thick black hair out of its usual straight neatness and blew strands into his face. He exhaled and looked down at the girl beside him, who was sketching with a frown of concentration on her face. She had smudges of charcoal on her forehead where she had brushed away strands of her long dark, wispy hair [s]from her face[/s] [Not necessary and disrupts the flow a little.]. She felt Druth’s gaze on her and looked up curiously, her round golden eyes wide in her pointed little face. ‘What?’

Okay so this is interesting and it's nice to see a little more of the Raven but I think I preferred it starting at the next chapter. I like how you've shown the sense, that's good and well done and the chapter itself is interesting (though not your best) but I think you've really taken away the fun of guessing the Raven's previous identity.

As it stands currently, I don't like this. Maybe if you spruced it up and added more of that description of yours that I really love. And made it more of a prologue too. Then it might work better. But it illustrates a side of the Raven that's so much more immature, where's her wit and her strength? Is this years previous to her captivity?

Sorry I couldn't really help much and that this is rather negative. It's not that the chapter is badly written, on the contrary it's good, but I'm just not feeling it.

Heather xx

Wow. This is amazing.

If you've read the other chapter one, can I ask you to forget it and pretend that this is the official chapter one? Because it is, now.

No arguments from me. I haven't read the other one...

Does this work well as a first chapter?

I love it. You give us enough information (Seamlessly, I must say... No real infodumps here.) to keep us interested and start the story along.

Does it make you want to read more?

Yes! I want to know what is going on here and get to know the characters more.

What do you think of the characters so far?

I'm finding the girl very intriguing as I try to puzzle out exactly what she is and what Druth's relationship to her is.

Does the fact that you don't know the girl's name make it too confusing?

Actually, I didn't notice until you pointed it out. *thumbs up*

Overall, I loved this thing! I did notice that when you were doing the telepathy, some were in italics and some weren't. I'd go through and be consistent with them all, so that it is clear when it is telepathy and when it is not.

I want to read more! Your descriptions were great and the dialogue was amazing. You got across so much character development and story in just the dialogue.

The one infodump I did find was when Druth was talking about Com. Is that really necessary for us to know right now? Woud it be better placed near the actual lesson with Com? Though something weird is happening with Druth by the end, so perhaps it is better that it is where it is. It does come across as slightly dumpish though. I'm sure Druth has told her that stuff before, or she already knows it, so why would he be telling her that again?

You do a few POV changes in here, from Druth, to the girl, to Druth again and back to the girl by the end. It felt almost like you were trying to pull off 3rd person omniscient, which is just a weird perspective. I would try and pick a character POV and stick with it, or at least make the switches obvious with some sort of divider between the changes.

I really liked this! Would you consider dropping me a PM when you add more to this? I am seriously interested!

*thumbs up* Keep on truckin'.

~GryphonFledgling

Hiya! One harsh crit, as requested.

‘Druuuuuuuth. We looked at it all yesterday.’

This line makes me think she's a teenager, but there are enough lines later on that make me think she's no older then 12. How old is she?

The girl sighed again, took the charcoal and began to draw. For some time there was no sound save for the faint squeak of charcoal on paper and the sigh of the sea.

"Squeak" is not how I would describe charcoal. It's more a faint scratching. You've used "sigh" twice in two sentences, almost right on top of each other. I don't like to see the same word twice in two lines, sometimes three.

A few tough tufts of weathered green grass poked out of the sand, rustling in the cold wind.

"Tough tufts" sounds like a tongue-twister. Try not to use the same sounds so close together.

He exhaled, almost sighed, and looked down at the girl beside him, who was sketching with a frown of concentration on her face.

Why would he be sighing? That's a word you use quite a bit in one paragraph, and it's loosing it's effect. It seems you're using it to describe something because you can't come up with something better. Also, break this up. Replace ", who" with ". She"

She had smudges of charcoal on her forehead where she had brushed away strands of her long, dark wispy hair from her face.

By changing the sentence above, you could link it to this sentence. Either add a comma between "dark" and "wispy" or delete it between "long" and "dark."

He shook his head. ‘Na. Carry on with your drawing.’

What does "Na" mean?

It was a fairly good picture, neatly proportioned and labelled.

"Neatly" is usually associated with "labeled" (that's a typo, btw). I find a better word to go with "proportioned" is "well."

She had tried to shade in the scales, smearing it with the tip of one finger, and it was as though the fish had been caught in a curve of movement, turning in on itself, fins outstretched and tail unfurling.

Replace ", and" with a period.

The girl gave a delighted squeak and bounced on her knees. ‘Sa, sa, sa!’

What does "sa" mean? Why put it in italics?

She squinted into the setting sun, saw Druth take a few steps into the waves.

"And" after the comma. I didn't quote the entire paragraph but I will point out that you've switched viewpoints in it. It's achievable because of the already fuzzy viewpoint, but maybe not the best thing so early in the story. Unless viewpoint changes are common, then it's okay.

We’ll have dinner when we finish lessons and go home. She saw him start back towards her. Start preparing your mind.

This is all in italics. "She saw him start back towards her" should be in normal type. Also, "start" is a rather strange word to use. Try "walk" or something along those lines.

She hummed a few notes, low and buzzing in her throat, and slowed her breathing.

"Buzzing"? That's not something I would think of to describe humming. Is it explained later on?

A gull mewed, a long drawn-out wild wail. Her heartbeat slowed, her breathing coming as gently as a cat’s purr.

Hmm, you're really pushing the cat metaphors and similes in this line. Since we still aren't quite sure who's viewpoint it is (I still thought it was Durth's) and her affinity to cats has not been mentioned that much, "mewed" probably isn't the best word to use here. Try "called."

Na, don’t try so hard, Druth warned.

Na again. I'm guessing it means no?

‘He’s your Sense-familiar. Not your husband.’

Why make this comparison to a husband?

‘You don’t? Sa, then.’

At first I thought "Sa" was yes, but now the meaning seems to have changed.

'You bonded with Com about a year and a half ago when you first came here. Your family was dead, you hated me, you needed something to comfort yourself with.’

This is a little chunk of info-dumping hidden here. Even with the line below it, this dialogue doesn't feel that natural. Rework so it doesn't sound like a history class.

In a year and a half, you have got closer to Com than I ever did in ten years with my Sense-familiar.

"Gotten" instead of "got."

‘Bi i dhos! Com is a cat, and you’re – not a cat.’

What does "Bi i dhos" mean? Other then that, I liked the implication she's not human. Very good way to work it in.

Druth’s eyes were wide open, rolling widely in their sockets, and weeping clear streams of tears down his face.

Delete the comma after "open."

Something hot and wet dripped off the end of her nose and she dashed it furiously away.

Do you mean sweat? "Dashed" seems like an odd word to use, perhaps "wiped"? Replace "and" with a period.

Laying her hand on Druth’s hot forehead, she closed her eyes and reached out with her mind into the mad, buzzing cacophony of thought that was inside Druth’s brain.

You could probably delete "inside."

Overall: Pretty good. I would suggest looking at a thesaurus to replace some of the descriptive words. You rely on "sighing" and cat-associated ones quite a bit.

The history in here is a little fuzzy. What caused her parents to die? Why do they seem to hate each other? How old is the girl? Will Com fit in at any other point in the story (he'd better)? What are her powers?

What viewpoint is this? It starts off as Durth's, but then gets fuzzy until it goes to the girl's.

Why keep her unnamed? Does she not know her name? Constantly reading "the girl" is a little annoying.

The opening dialogue could be different. It's unclear what lines are the girls and what lines are Durth's. I like the lines themselves, just not how long it goes without description.

What do all of these word mean? Kudos for trying to come up with your own language, but since this is lacking a glossary, put the translations at the end of the post.

You have a little telepathy going on here. A trick I use is when it's the POV character "speaking" to not put any quotes around it, and when it's another character to put single quotes around it. That would mean turning all your current speaking quotes to doubles instead of singles.

As for how this would work as a chapter 1, problems could be introduced a little quicker. We don't see an immediate problem until the end when Durth looses control. But I found this enough to hold my attention, and I really want to read the next chapter!

Hope I helped, and let me know when more is up!

OH MY GOD! This is gorgeous! Without a doubt the BEST thing I have read for a LONG time. Your dialogue is flawlessly realistic and funny. Especially this:

Druth made a deprecating noise. ‘Not bad. What is the point of the tail?’

‘It goes swishy-swishy,’ the girl said joyfully, demonstrating with her hands.

Druth gave her a look. ‘In mature terms.’

Hilarious.

Um... Sorry I don't have anything useful to say; it's just so amazing! It's extremely difficult to work magic into a realistic story, and you pulled it off effortlessly. The Sense part makes sense and is woven in without any jerky transitions. Great character development. Perfect. Incredible. Wow. I'm going to read the next part now.

For some time, the only sounds were the faint squeak of charcoal on paper and the sigh of the sea.

Love the alliteration! It's beautiful.

you got closer to Com that I did

"Than" I did.

Very good! I thought at first that Druth was teasing her at the end, but apparently not.