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140,552 Literary Works • 673,427 Reviews
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I liked it, although I think some of the sentences were a bit iffy, such as:
I bit that thought off before it could go into frightening places.
I don't think it was quite the same high standard as the previous two, but that can be easily rectified with editing.
One sentence does need changing though:
It should be either 'down from my branch' or 'down off my branch.' Personally, I prefer the former.
This is good, and I look forward to next chapters. I often say this, and don't actually... umm... well, do it (I'm going to have to get more reliable!) but you have me hooked! Well done!
-Kaz
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Hey, now, that's no way to go about it! Come on, chin up! I'll review it! You just have to have patience, dear one.
This was an interesting chapter... My characters also "Sense" things, and I really like the way you described and explained it. I also had to laugh at the fact that I'm fair-skinned with red hair and blue eyes.
Anyway, I'm not sure this was up to par with your previous chapters. It was slightly confusing at spots, and things like that "aka bodyguard" were unnecessary. Also, I'm not sure about the elvish phrases... The first one was neat, but the second one... Would she really say that out loud? It didn't seem natural, and the fact that readers don't know elvish makes it very confusing.
Also... I don't know if you just have an interesting taste in names, or if you're "borrowing" them. Fand is one of our dearest members here, and Gelert is the name of a dog-type Neopet. You might want to watch out for that. It's not illegal to have the same name - one of my characters, I've found, has the same name as a Harry Potter character (or at least her last name). Still, you've already "borrowed" a phrase from Pirates, so just work on making your work your own, yeah?
Still, I wait for Chapter Four...
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