Off the Edge of the Rainbow.

Hey, hon.

I know this is like one of those no-nos; posting a review practically a year after the piece was posted, but I just found the lost batch of critiques I had done, and this happened to be in it. Chapter One, Two, and Three are somewhere around, as well. But, I thought you'd like to see it. Not really much, but I did enjoy reading it.

If you have any questions or my handwriting is illegible, please tell me.



Ta,
Cal.

it sounds good to me. I'm not a very good crit, so i hope some of the others help out.

I think you should post more of this, since I am intrigued and would love to know what happens next! I think you have a unique style of writing that definitely drew me in right off. I like your physical description of the girl.
Your prologue leaves a lot of questions the reader wants answered- which is exactly what you're supposed to do! Awesome job. I would like to read more of this.

Phew, thanks Goldenheart, you've really eased my mind! The one thing I did NOT want this to be was stereotyped.

As to the language, its a mix of Cornish, Manx, Gaelic, Welsh, other assorted languages, and words I made up. It is meant to be Elvish, yes.

I would like grammatical errors pointed out as well, thank you. I was thinking of alternating between flashbacks and actual chapters. Does anyone think that this will work, or is it too cliched and confusing?

-ShadowTwit

Eragon Sterotype Fantasy? Absolutely not! If it was, we should all run screaming from our computers.

You ask for advice on the STORY, yes? Not grammar or style? Or did you mean style too?

Your descriptions of your character's face are intriuging. (Is that how you spell it? Oh bother, I can't remember!) I've heard of authors giving their characters scars for drama, to keep them from being boring, but not like this, where it adds personality and interest. The picture sticks in your mind.

Plus, you've made me wonder why on earth she is sleeping at the foot of the queen's bed. And also, I wonder about the language. Did you make that up yourself? Is it meant to be elvish? The sounds are unique and exotic.

This is the prologue? Well! It certainly pulls you in! Are you going to post the rest of it? Oh, please do! I am officially hooked.

Goldie

Yes'm. I don't want the girl to be pitiable, and as it's going to be in first person, I hope it won't be.
Oh, no, is it too like an Eragon stereotype fantasy?! *shakes head* JUST what I didn't want to happen...
Grrr.

-ShadowTwit

Hrmm this is ok. The idea to this is alright.
The problem is that some bits in your story doesn't fit with the setting and the action that it is taking place.

Also, some bits sound very direct. You know what I mean when you read chapter 1.

I know, you aren't supposed to respond to other people's reviews, but I have to say this: try not to put too much into zomg, she's not pretty! or she'll be just as annoying as a pretty one and it'll read as a bad satire.

The prose itself, as the Baroness said, had a little bit of a contrived, forced fantasy feel to it. There were a few stylistic changes I'd suggest, if you want to hear them.

Prologues need to be interesting, or people won't read the rest of the book. Calling it a prologue and not "chapter one" does not change the fact that it has to be interesting to hook readers.

It starts out interesting, though the language thing reminds me forcibly of the many Eragon rippoffs that I have been reading about (not on here).
I like very much how you made the main-character NOT A MARY SUE, like so many people have an unhealthy tendency to do. I'd like to see more of this, if you are inclined to putting more of it up.
8/10.

~Sumi

As this is just the prologue, it is meant to be rather vague, and this is the only part that is going to be in the present tense. If it was in a book, it would be in itallics, you know? Its going to change to first person and past tense in the next bit. Its going to be from the girl's POV, but I guess you got that far already. I do wanna hear about grammer and all that jazz, but I made a point of asking for feedback about the story, because I want to get opinions about the plot and everything. I am open to gramatical corrections *sighs* but sometimes I am taken up on "errors" that I meant deliberately. ^_^
Thank you for leaving comments, I am apreciative of each one!

-ShadowTwit

I won't really mention grammar since you basically said you didn't want to hear about it (though it is important)...All I will say is that I'm not a huge fan of present tense fantasy stories. My advice would be to change that immediately. I'll elaborate about why I don't like the present tense if you want. For now I'll move on with my comment.

If you spaced between paragraphs I think you would get more people to read your story.

I noticed it starts at night. And there is silence. I feel like a lot of stories start that way. My own fantasy story starts on a silent night, so I'm not one to critisize. It just makes me think that maybe there's a better way to begin if so many people are doing the exact same thing.

It's definitely interesting. It's a bit short, but it still leaves me wondering what is going to happen and what did happen. I would say more but not a lot happened- it was mostly descriptive until the very last paragraph, which isn't necessarily a bad thing...I look forward to seeing the plot established and developed.

I think what I've seen of the storyline is rather different i.e. a refreshing change. But I think going into more detail and really setting the scene would interesting the reader a lot more. Try it out. I felt like it was all too vague. Good luck, I totally think you could do something cool with this.