I flew to the moon on a purple dragon,
Rode over its craters in a bright red wagon.
Blew a bubble so stupendously enormous
Crept inside and became Captain Orbit.
Drove headlong through a zillion stars,
With mercurial speed, swept by Mars.
Slid headfirst down the milky way
Found a cow who wanted to play.
Sprang over the moon, landed on Uranus,
Head-over-heels tumbled back to Venus.
Met up with an alien, ready to fight
Had just one eye- what a horrible sight!
With eight great tentacles instead of arms,
there were plenty to become alarmed
I stood and fought him face to face,
Sent him headless into space.
Now clear the hooey from your head
Cause time for piano lessons, mother said.
So I rocketed headstrong back to earth
left this rhyme behind for Perth.
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138,930 Literary Works • 672,330 Reviews
Good job on this Tues. I love your colorful words and you gave the main charter one thing I believe we human beings are being to lack......Imagination. Imagination, believe it or not use to be big. I mean that is what made British people explore to North America. That's what religion is really base off of, and that's how we end up deciding to go to space. Just reading this piece takes me back to the days when me and my younger brother would go in the back yard and pretend to be pirates, or explorers who went to different planets to trade for goods and bring it back to earth and etc. I love this poem and hope to read more from you.
What an adorable, vibrant piece! I really love its playful, marching rythm and the brilliant imagery. It is so... happy, fearless and adventurous. It brings to mind all the hours spend daydreaming and having fun as a brave child both prepared for and willing to be surprised by anything.
The only thing that stuck out to me was the rather sudden switch from various space adventures to Perth, which is quite specific... and goes perfectly with the crash landing back in to reality. Wonderful command of atmosphere, by the way. Other than that and the slight stumble on the arms - alarmed rhyme, it is just purrrfect. <3
Keep up the great work!
This isn't my favorite poem of all time because I'm not much for rhymes, but I still have to admit that it was good. I liked how it wasn't just nonsense like some rhyming poems. This poem actually had a story behind it and I can respect that. As far as I know, this is the imagination of a child going on an adventure inside his head, and I only thought of that because of the last two lines "So I rocketed headstrong back to earth, left this rhyme behind for Perth. It was a well done poem, and deserving of 4/5 stars. Good job, I'll be waiting for what you come up with next.
- SinisterPotatoe -
I like it. There are some small changes that could be made, but I like it.
You could reword this to something along the lines of "It had great tentacles instead of arms,
More than enough to cause alarm" and the rhyme would be perfect. Or-
Me thinks this would flow better without the "what". 'Had just one eye- a horrible sight!'
Last stanza. Again, trimming some words will help it flow better.
You get the idea. Hope this review finds you in high spirits.
Stori
Thank you! I'll make those chances soon~
It was my honor.
I liked this poem! It was simply fun to read. I have a few word choice suggestions, but the rest of the poem just works.
First, I would say change "zillion" to a real number. Billion, million, trillion, they would all work and wouldn't throw people like me for a spin. Next, I would suggest changing "Crept" in the line "Crept inside and became Captain Orbit" to "Slipped" or "Slid" because crept suggests that you were creeping in, or sneaking in like you weren't supposed to be there. But you made the bubble so there's no reason to creep inside. Also, slid would make it seem a little more silly because it would seem as if you tripped or accidentally fell in.
I liked this poem. It was fun.
Rachelle
This is really cute!!! I love it!!!! This has actually really inspired me for a story that i was stuck on!! So thanks, i will admit that it is almost like a poem i would read when i was younger, but i got my little brother to read this and he loved it!!! He even tried doing little actions for it so i think that its really good and so does he!!!!!
Hi!
I really enjoyed reading your poem! It was light, funny and really easy to read. It also kind of reminded me of those poems I used to read as a kid - really imaginative and relatable. Not sure if you intended it for younger readers... but its really good.
Anyway, I liked the rhyming, another reason why it reminded me of those poems for children but I also liked it because it tied it all together, and it flowed really easily. A couple of things though, on the last 2 lines of the first verse, the last words don't rhyme at all. Is this intentional or not???? Also, I think that when you said "found a cow that wanted to play" it sounded a little bit like you were struggling to find a suitable rhyme, and the flow was slightly hindered. Maybe find another line.
For me, the best parts were the imagery you used. I loved the way it didn't have to make any sense, like: "with mercurial speed, swept by Mars,". Its hard to make sense of it when you read it quick, but the "space" imagery that you used, gives the reader an really clear overall sense of the craziness and out of this world feel of the poem.
I also really liked the last verse, because it also brings the reader right back down to earth, however I have no idea what Perth is, and if this was intended for younger readers... they might not either.
Sorry if the criticism sounded quite harsh... but I really loved the poem and I hope you write some more!
Tick tock