Day and Night
Day
and Night,
Two
siblings,
One
fight.
The
fight that starts with Day harassing Night’s prized white
stallions,
She
hide behind the tall evergreen trees, giggling and giving a warm
smile,
Ran
across the dew grass to the stable where the prized white stallions
laid.
Day
snuck inside and walked around, peeking into every horse’s bed,
Seeing
the white stallions sleep, clean and ready for tonight.
Day
rubbed her small, tanned hands as she ran to end of the stable,
To
Celaeno’s pen- her brother’s favorite horse-
Opened
the hatch, to step inside.
Day
snuck quietly to the side of Celaeno and jumped onto his back.
Celaeno,
who was restless, jumped up and ran out the door,
With
a grinning Day, holding firmly onto the white hairs of his mane.
Celaeno
raced around the dew ground, becoming more and more alarm each
minute,
Day
kicked at the sides of Celaeno, making the white stallion bruise the
grass below.
While
Day was riding Celaeno, Night was racing down the marble steps of
their house,
Skipping
steps- 1, 2, 3, 4
To
ride his prized white stallion, to practice for tonight.
He
ran through the shaded trees, across the cold grass,
Into
the stable, where all the horses were sleeping.
But
not on this day.
The
horses, that slept so soundly and were woken up at sunset,
Kicked
at their stable doors, their blue eyes uneasy about what had happen.
Night
stopped in the doorway of the stables;
Why
were the horses acting like they had seen a ghost?
In
the corner of Night’s eye, he saw Celaeno’s stable door
open.
He
briskly walked over and gasped.
Where
had his prized white stallion go?
Suddenly,
he heard a child-ish screaming,
Night
turned his head to see Day riding Celaeno on the dewed grass.
Night
groaned as he stomped his way,
To
see Day.
“Day!
Why is thee riding thy horse?”
Day
looked over at her stormed brother and snorted.
“This
horse, thy riding, looked closed in and needed space.
“Since
I’m nicer than thee,
“I
took this horse out for a test drive.”
Night
groaned.
“That
doesn’t seem quite right.”
“I
beg?”
“You
took my prized white stallion out just before the greatest thought in
life
“Before,
all these horses, these fine white horses
“Put
on a grand show-“
“That
you must have put on for years.”
“Don’t
interrupt.”
Day
rolled her eyes as she got off and walked Celaeon to Night.
“Anyway,
the show that is needed
“For
the greatest idea ever create
“Is-“
Day
let Celaeon run to Night.
“This
horse right here, my brother.
“Is
wild and crazy like you.
“But
what you lack like this horse, is greatness.”
“I
have greatness!”
“You
have self-greatness, not the true matter of greatness,
“You
must receive the greatness, not let it be given to you.”
Night
shook his head
“That
is another lousy meaning to why you rode my horse!”
“Hush,
brother.”
“Don’t
tell me to hush!”
Day
rolled her eyes
“You
are such a hot head, even when it’s about riding your horse.”
“Since
it’s my horse!”
“Sure,
that’s why dad said before he left our mom
“Leaving
her with two babies, without anyone else to help her.”
Day
looked at the sky, noticing its color changing
She
gave a nasty look at Night before heading inside,
“You
are selfish. I hope you know that.”
“Sister,
I’m the cousin of selfish.”
Night
grinned and got atop Celaeon.
Day
rolled her eyes a and walked towards the marble steps that lead into
their house,
She
looked back at her brother,
His
black hair shimmering under the changing light.
If
only he had had understood why she rode his horse.
It
was like a treason if you rode Celaeon,
Day
wanted to be free from her days,
Being
woken up by a natural alarm and being sent out to grounds of the
house,
Being
told never to leave this place,
Yet
when being told what not to do something,
Makes
the person want to do it more.
Day
slowly walked her way up,
One
of her tan arm hanging at her side,
As
she looked back once more,
At her brother Night.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Poem.....eh not so much but a short story......very much. Lol I loved the way you brought Day and night to life and you use so many descriptive words. It was like I was out there with them. Watching in first person. I had no trouble reading this at all and I absolutely loved it
Hey there, Aeros here! You say that this story is horrible, but I disagree, haha. I will, however, point out a couple things you might want to change.
First I want to talk about the things I really like;
I have mixed feelings about your layout. On one hand, its cool and unique, but on the other I cant really see the emphasis you're trying to add with it, aside from the uniqueness itself. More of a pro than a con, because it helps your story stand out and doesn't detract anything. Just be careful with short lines.
I like the fact that you built these two as a family, and even further than these two you created an "extended" family including immaterial things like emotions, when Night says that selfish is his cousin. Loved that line, made me smile
You also have a really nice thematic message going through this; greatness is achieved, not granted. If you expanded on this more it might add some more depth to the story and make it closer to a fable than a short story. If you changed the part where Day tells Night about greatness, and left that until your final couple lines as something that Day thinks to herself, you could leave your reader with a lesson rather than a rather non-symbolic image.
(But that's just my personal preference. I tend to press that onto other people, feel free to disregard that, haha)
Now on to some tips. :p
A lot of what I have to say could more than likely be fixed by a good, thorough proofread, but Ill try to save you some time! I'm going to avoid commenting on things that can't be fixed after a once or twice-over, since I don't think you'll need help fixing those, haha.
I think you should build the character's personalities a bit more. Day is pretty strong but Night could use some work. I get that Day is free spirited, fun, and bold, while also being impulsive, but the only thing I'm really getting from Night is that he's selfish, possessive and prideful. However, I could be misinterpreting something important.
Some time-saving proofread tips:
You should reword "dew ground" and "More and more alarm."
Since the horses arent actually sleeping, you might want to shuffle the phrasing around there. Maybe;
-Might sound a bit better.
Here, I think just getting rid of the "a" would go a long way, or else make screaming into "scream".
I think dewed should be dewy, as it's an adjective rather than a verb. (Googled that just to be sure XP)
Your use of the olde english, with all those "thee"s and "thy"s need some close work. Im not great at it, but heres a link that might help: http://www.ecclesia.org/truth/thou.html
This should be "I beg your pardon?"
I'm hesitant comment about your line saying the stars coming out are the "greatest thought in life." That was a bit awkward at first glance, but it has nice poetic value so I'd keep it.
Treason is more of a verb than a noun, so you dont need that "a".
All in all, great story! It just needs some touching up and a finishing gloss and you're good to go!
WOW! This review is amazing (and i can't even write great reviews like this one! This is amazing! And yes, i will take those helpful hints that you have gave me into consideration for when i can the chance to fix this thingy i have wrote. Thanks again!
No problem! Its a really good story, honestly, and you could even make more stories about these two, or other things kind of similar. Maybe another family of emotions or celestial bodies?
This is really good! I like how Night and Day are siblings, it adds something really cool the the story! The only thing that confused me was the dialogue layout when Night and Day were talking to each other, it was sort of hard to understand who was talking. Other than that, it was amazing! I don't know why you would say it's horrible.
Haha! Superb story there! That was pretty creative. Day and Night. Your choice of using them like characters was awesome!
Love the structure, though I got a little bit confused. Especially the conversation between Day and Night. The structure of the dialogue was pretty awesome, especially since it was the same throughout, but the punctuation was confusing.
Superb ending there!
Great work. I don't see why it is horrible.
Thanks!
Also Caleon is a star.