E - Everyone

Tomato Bird - collaborative poem

I heard a call of a bird, clearing the early morning air.


I sat up in bed and pulled a tomato from my hair,

I looked at the bird and chucked the fruit,

Feathers erupted and the bird fell down, just as my feet met the cold ground,

The bird screamed as it fell while I dressed for the evening.


I shook my head and realized that I had slept, these were reveries,

I walked out the door and saw my mother, scowl on her face,

She tossed me a broom and shouted at me to tidy the place,

I sighed and took the broom, head hung low to the ground

I muttered to myself about not having breakfast but kept quiet as mother's glare I found.


I walked outside, and saw the tomato-covered bird,

And dumped the dust from inside on its twitching form,

Sadly, the dust had covered my overalls and clogged my lungs,

I fell to my knees, as I coughed and wheezed, as tears reached me I began to cry.


I looked over at the bird, smiling evilly through it lifeless black eyes,

I grabbed the tiny victim of my anger and held it closely, weeping my apologies,

My tears rolled down my face and fell onto the limp body I held in my hands,

From my messy mop of hair I pulled another tomato and carried it with the bird to a place away from man.

Where I dug a hole and laid them down. Rest in peace, fruit and fowl.

Covering the burial site, a tomato slice on the grave,

I wandered back to the house and collapsed on my bed,

Wishing that the poor bird wasn't dead.


I laid there in sorrow, crying tears as my face made a pout,

Until my mom had called for the garbage to be taken out,

I didn't hear her and gladly so, for if I did I'd have killed some more.

Comments & reviews · 7
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User avatar
Holiday30
Review

First I would like to say farewell to my friend Tuesday, I hope you do get to see this because i want you to know just cus you have to take a break doesn't mean your work has too. I love your poems and I am going to continuously read your work. Now for my review I just have to say this was excellent but I never expected nothing less from your creative mine. I went down and read everyone else review and I think that there a=was another person who said he help to. Was his name Hatt or something, but I just want to let him know he and you did an excellent job. Ya'll touch my heart and I understood the girl frustration with her parents, and chores and school. I believe the little girl just needs a friend to talk to, just like we all. Well that's my review, great job agian

User avatar
Eros
Review
Eros wrote a review · Fri May 22, 2015 7:03 pm

Hi Tuesday!

This is Eros here!

I loved your poem"Tomato Bird".It filled me with a great pleasure.You have got a wonderful talent.This is a poem a beautiful bird.this poem has got a great meaning.I loved and enjoyed reading your poetry.It was a wonderful job.

You have a great art of writing. It is a real talent!

Continue writing Dear Tuesday and JKHatt!
And we will continue loving your wonderful stuff!

*whispers* Don't forget Hatt, yeah? Hatt wrote it too. o.o
:P

@JKHatt Hi there! So its a combined effort of both of you... Ohh!!! So it comes on the top, below the poem!! Okay! I need to be careful to read from the topic and below the topic too! Well...Hatt! You did a great job too. Nice coordination is there between you. I have seen many people in real life who end up quarrelling. And that's the biggest difference between YWS friends and real life friends. It was really great to read your and tuesday's poem. Continue writing!

User avatar
Satira
Review
Satira wrote a review · Fri May 15, 2015 12:15 am

What does this even mean?
but. I. loved it.
Fruit and Fowl, huh? XD

Some criticisms: Once you mention that the bird has fallen, you don't have to mention it again in the second stanza- We know that the poor thing is dead, and in this case, it doesn't help with the flow.
The 'ground' and 'found' rhyme in the second stanza seemed forced. Remember, Rhyme and Rhythm are genius when paired together, but it's actually nearly impossible to do right. And if you can't have both, always choose Rhythm over Rhyme.
And, finally, in the last stanza, you can remove the word 'tears'. I mean, what else would y[the narrator] be crying? Liquid cyanide?

But that's about it. Loved this. it confused me, but I loved it.
~Satira

User avatar
donizback
Review

Well, you know what! I am one review away from getting that "third star" and what else would be better than reviewing a poem written by the best reviewer out there!?

What a great poem that is! I am really glad I searched for a right poem to review and earn a star.

Well done with this one. You really should write more and more poems. They are just so awesome. I just don't know what to say. Everything on here seems just perfect.

The free flow of writing really suited this type of a poem. The idea was great and so was the implementation!

Well done, once again. I hope to see more of your amazing poems around. You are just so awesome! Glad I got a chance to see you around in my life. Thanks :)

Thanks for the review! And Daww! :D

*whispers* I wrote it too... Like, every other line is mine, including the ending one. :P

Hey there CapitalMonday! CelticThunder1438 here for a review of your piece! Let me just say I thought this poem was kinda funny/weird. But I am funny/weird so I enjoyed it :P I am new to writing poetry so I think everything is cool! From the impression I got, I felt as if the girl had maybe drunk and abusive parents? Something like that. Many kids have that in foreign lands and in my land - Canada- as well. No one is any better than the other, we all have our faults. Some maybe more showable than others but every single one of us is the same. :)

"Until my mom had called for the garbage to be taken out,

I didn't hear her and gladly so, for if I did I'd have killed some more."

That line was a good one to end with I think... :)

Anyways,, love the weird/ cool poem! If you get the chance please review some of my work, I should be posting another poem somtime soon =)

~CelticThunder1438 or Selina or Seliter, whichever you prefer. :)

When we were writing it (I'm the co-writer by the way :P) I didn't envision her parents as drunk or abusive, just angry that she'd slept in and not done her chores. Then again I wasn't sure what Capital was thinking while writing their lines of it...
As for that closing line, that was mine :D I'm glad you liked it :P

User avatar
Zee6
Review
Zee6 wrote a review · Tue Mar 17, 2015 5:14 am

This is so...weird and intriguing, I like it! It had be wonder about so many things and I think that is what really makes good poem, well at least the sillier poems. It was creative and so freaking cute. I could really see everything you said because it wasn't the description it's self if was the way you arranged the words in the sentence that I think really made the poem. When I had realized the bird was dead it made me so sad! Like I have no idea why but I was like "Oh no not the birdy!" Haha I am an odd one. Well keep up the good work and again I liked this cute little thing.



The opposite of belonging is fitting in.
— Dr. Brené Brown