Memories

Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

I hope this review isn't too out of place since this was posted back in October, but it's the latest thing I found to review for you.

I am blasé
inside this box,
counting the
dead flies that float around
the cold soup.

I always like to think of line breaks as periods in a sentence. When a poem is being read it usually stands out like that. What you have here is this: "I am blase. inside the box. counting the. dead flies that float around. the cold soup." Everything sounds right except for the third and fourth lines. The third line really sticks out to me as "counting the". As I read I'm thinking, Counting the what? And then the answer is on the next line. If the word 'counting' were given it's own line or the line was "counting the dead flies" it would flow much better. The ending of the line is just too abrupt. Then the fourth line ends up being longer than the rest and it seems out of place.

The image of the dead flies is just wonderful by the way.

I do wish that you had left out the first line though, or changed it. I admit I had to look up the word blasé (because my vocabulary is terrible >.>) and when I realized the definition the poem stopped working for me. The first line tells us how the speaker feels about being in this box. That's the whole point of the poem; or at least part of the point. Use those images and feelings to show us that the speaker is blasé. Coming right out and telling us makes the rest of the poem fall flat.

Memories sleep
here in the box
like dust particles in the sun
drifting away from me
too far for me to grab and fall
dead.

Words are a premium in poetry. There is only so much space and time you have to work with and you have to really choose what to say. I crossed out the words that I feel are just clunky and disrupt the flow. There's really no need for them either, since the images are all the same with those words not in there.

The last two lines I want to look at real quick, written as you wrote them.

too far for me to grab and fall
dead.

There's a disconnect between them as I read through, and I know exactly why. The second to last line talks about the particles being too far for the speaker to grab. End. That's an image. But then the falling is thrown in there too, so I found myself trying to connect the falling to the grabbing. It just doesn't go together. Then there's the matter of "dead" as the last line. Which word is it that relates to dead? Falling. If you move just those two words, "and fall", to the last line the clarity will be there. In order to really make it stand out, you can always add commas in there as well. There's one in the first stanza, but none in the second. Of course you don't need punctuation in a poem, but seeing as some has already been used it'll be fine to throw some more in there too. I'd suggest a comma at the end of line 9 and then again after the word grab in line 10. That'll separate that image of trying to grab the memories and then them falling dead. It really puts emphasis on both of those images.

Other than those few things I think this poem is wonderful. You've taken such a large idea and condensed it for us to experience. Good job.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hey! Cello here!

This review will be rather short as this poem is rather short. You used a beautiful vocabulary and put a lot of meaning into your words.

One (Very minor) thing I might change though-

counting the little
dead flies that swim around
the cold soup.

First off, 'little' is unneeded and, in my opinion, feels out of place. Flies are supposed to be little, what would you expect?
Secondly, I would change 'swims' to 'float'. Swims suggest a certain liveliness that I feel doesn't fit this work. 'Float' is kind of a tired, careless word and it fits a lot better.

Memories sleep
in the box

Another thing, I might say 'here in the box'. It's more inclusive and gives the reader a sense of presence if that makes any sense.

This was a wonderful poem! Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello