Helen groaned, her morning alarm beeping. She threw a pillow at it, hoping it would muffle any of the noises but only seem to grow louder and on the floor. She sighed, rising from the bed and looking out at the outside; it was sunny and she knew it was going to be bad. Sunny days always meant change, her mother had said once before she died without a case or cause.
She slipped some slippers on, turned off her alarm, and walked downstairs for breakfast. In process of this, she banged her toe against a wall and cussed under her breath. When she got downstairs, she made herself some green tea. Helen waited, looking outside at the nothing but grass for miles and the sun hanging low in the sky. It was nice to live alone, for the most part you get to have everything you want without having someone else getting jealous and you get money to yourself, spending it on anything you would need without anyone else’s input.
The tea pot shrieked, alarming Helen that her tea was ready. She grabbed her favorite plain blue mug, pouring the tea into when there was a knock at her door. She frowned and thought, who would come out here, in the middle of nowhere? Helen took a sip of her tea, soon finding out that it was bitter, and answered the door.
“Louise!” Helen exclaimed as she opened the door wider, to see her friend.
“Hello Helen. I had forgotten how nice your house is. Mostly the fact, I haven’t been out here forever.”
“That is true. Do you want to come inside?”
“No, no it is nice outside.”
“Oh… er… what are here for?”
“What am I here for? Good question. Oh! I need to tell you that something bad is going to happen.”
“That is what you said last time and nothing happened.”
“Yes, I know but this time it is true!”
“I have a hard time believing that, Louise.” Helen stated, feeling the morning breeze on her exposed legs.
“Look! See the moon!” Helen looked, through the cress cross of the screen door, to see the moon above her house.
“So?”
“So, that wasn’t there the other morning, which means that something bad is bone to happen.”
“No it doesn’t. The
Moon has always been there, Louise. It
just fades within the time of when the sun rises.”
Louise took a deep breath before looking at the grass below her. It was wet from the dew this morning and the
wind was making her cheeks turn red. It
wasn’t working and she had to prove to her friend, the only Earth friend she
had, about the fact Earth was going to be attacked by Gors- ruthless
creatures with leathery skin and small yellow swollen eyes. They never thought about anything, which
could be the reason they are thoughtless and unconscious to the outside
world. The Gors could attack anything
in their sight, even if it is a Cae kitten.
“Helen, believe just for once, please?” Louise pleaded before Helen sighed, shaking her head and squinted her eyes. She opened the screen door and stepped onto, into the grass which made her feet cold.
“How would you prove to me?”
“Simply really.”
“How is it simple when you can just show me from here?”
Louise smiled, folding her arms across her chest. “You have to ride in a space ship.”
Helen looked stupidly at Louise, as if she had a wart on her face. She sighed, shifting her feet to go inside.
“You don’t have a space ship. There is no such thing as one and even if there were, you would be stupid to believe there is such as one.”
“Really?” Louise jokingly questioned.
“I am going back inside. Thanks for coming around, Louise. Hope to see you at the annual pie throwing contest soon,” Helen called as Louise sighed.
“Wait Helen!”
Helen turned around, expecting another reason why she should stayed but instead saw a small ship that looked like a pearl of her mother's necklace.
“But-But..”
Louise ran over to Helen, grabbing her by the arm.
“Come on! We have to go!”
Helen was pointing, awestruck and mumbling “but” all the rest of the way.
“See, I was right?”
"How long have you had this thing?"
"I would say, 18 minutes ago. Technically, it is not mine but finders keepers. Now come one and quite dragging!" Louise stated as she dragged Helen to the ship. She pressed a button that opened the door and Helen saw that interior was white with a pink control panel.
“Hello, Louise!”
“Shut it, Michael. Take us away from here.”
“As you wish, Louise!” the computer cheerfully said, as few clicks and hums later they were off, leaving Helen’s tea to get cold.
End of chapter
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140,522 Literary Works • 673,294 Reviews
I think this is a strong start to a story, although I am a little confused on the setting. Does this take place in the future? I think you characterized Louise pretty well, although I’m eager to see how Helen will develop as a character.
One thing I noticed: “expecting another reason why she should stayed”, I think there should be a “have” in between “should” and “stayed”.
Anyways, keep writing and continue the good work! Can’t wait to see where this story is going!
The start of you novel is a very good concept, and very good start. but i do see some description issue and a few grammatical.
1) when you were describing the space ship, i'm not sure if you were going for the look of the space ship by describing it: " Helen....saw a small ship that looked like a pearl of her mother's necklace."- the sentence just sounds odd to me i think you should go with " Helen had then saw a small ship in the resemblance of a pearl, like the one from her mother necklace," that way it make more since to the reader and the sentence flows.
2) i like the story but i think it would help if you had more character description and more verbs/emotion of what your characters are doing. and what they are feeling. a few moments your character was frustrated then surprised but then that was it.
3) overall i do like the the story and would like to see where you go with this.if you make some small changes you can make this story great and build from it.keep going you have potential.
Hey, Will here, leaving a review.
I really like your story but there are a few things I would definitely change.
<quote> In process of this, she banged her toe against a wall and cussed under her breath. </quote>
Just wondering, is this line really necessary in the paragraph? It sort of ruins the flow of the whole story, and you don't want that, especially at the start.
<quote> Helen waited, looking outside at the nothing but grass for miles and the sun hanging low in the sky. It was nice to live alone, for the most part you get to have everything you want without having someone else getting jealous and you get money to yourself, spending it on anything you would need without anyone else’s input. </quote>
If there is nothing out there for miles, then how did Louise get to her house? How were they friends? If she came by car then maybe in the part where Helen opens the door to Louise you could say something like,
"She opens the door and saw her friend Louise in front of her. She could smell the petrol burn coming from the red Mustang behind her."
Also, I don't understand the whole 'ship' concept. So when Helen turned back around, she saw a small ship, the size of a pearl, but then she could walk into it?
There are also some grammatical errors in the book.
Overall it's a nice book, but if you would give the reader a bit more clarification on what's happening, that'd be great.
-willachilles
"Earth friend"? Or human friend? Earth-born friend? The words "Earth friend" just doesn't sit well with me, for some reason.
)
Overall, a pretty decent place to start. A couple of thoughts:
1. Introduce Louise earlier in the conversation. Throw in a couple of mannerisms when Louise talks. A facial expression. Something to foreshadow the strangeness of Louise's claims. Because her claims are strange. Also, the dialogue wasn't the best at conveying Louise's desperation to be believed. It felt more a tad more flippant than desperate on Louise's end -- unless that's what you're going for.
2. Helen's reactions can be fleshed out a bit more. Her reaction to Louise's insane morning knocking. Her sputtering shock at the spaceship. Her reactions need more impact. Don't be afraid to throw in a short paragraph with just her reactions.
3. Consider cutting out the more mundane sections at the beginning. i.e. the breakfast-eating section. That part felt like a filler without much purpose. I'd rather you jump straight from waking up to opening the door. (And skipping breakfast. Can't have your characters too comfortable, after all,
Hello! DarkWarrior here.
The story seems to be quite interesting. There are a few places that could use a bit more refining. Your vocabulary is nice, and so are your general descriptions. But I think that some character description is required.
Also, the last part of the chapter, which I believe is when Helen and her friend head towards the spaceship, feels a bit rushed.
Overall, nice plot, which needs a little work. Just a little.
I'll be waiting for more.
Hello! Ash here for a review!
Alrighty so, I caught no spelling mistakes, unless I read over them. Its worded nicely and the paragraphs aren't too long or short. The only thing is, I wish it was a bit more descriptive. As in what it looked like around Helen, what her friend looked like, what the ship exterior looked like, etc.
"Helen turned around, expecting another reason why she should stayed but instead saw a small ship that looked like her mother's"
I think you could have added a little description of the ship right there, also you forgot a period after "mother's"
Anyhow, love the plot so far, can't wait to read more!
~BlackAshes~