Even not having read Part 1 of this short story, I did enjoy this. It certainly is intriguing, and I'm excited about future installments. There were a couple of glaring issues, though, that I'd like to address.
I don't think your dialogue is clunky, but you put in so many modifiers that it can definitely seem so. "Luckily, the bar was closed..." The 'luckily' is unnecessary, and it adds baggage to the sentence, making it much less punchy. This happens all over the piece. You add things like 'sure,' 'yeah,' and 'so," and it makes it so that when you finally get to the meat of what the person is saying, I'm detached from the story.
It's a little unclear to me how the woman was able to guess where the bartender lived. Maybe this is because I haven't read the first part, but my assumption is that there were no other nearby bars, and so she just guessed based on the information that he was a bartender. If you could offer some explanation for that, that would be great. And I also don't think the whole exchange about her not knowing his name is irrelevant and interrupts the flow of the story. If you want to include that information, have her realize internally that she still doesn't know his name.
Even with these critiques, I did really like this. Some of your dialogue was actually really good. "The woman glared up at the bartender. 'I can read. I just need to show you something. Can I come in?'" stood out to me in particular.
I look forward to Part 3 (and 4 or 5, possibly?). Overall, good work!
Points: 3138
Reviews: 32
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