z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

[Insert Title Here] - Part 2

by Tuesday


The next morning, the bartender woke up late. Luckily, the bar was closed that day so it gave him some time to actually do stuff. Yawning, he made his way to the kitchen, which was adjacent to the bar, and helped himself to some cereal. Then hobbling out of the kitchen, he went into the “living room” (which was just an entertainment room with a tv and some gaming stuff) and turned on the tv.

The news channel was on, featuring a new story update about a giant orb of light flashing across the sky late last night. As the reporter spoke about it, the bartender continued to munch at his cereal. It then showed a video of the so-called “orb” flying across the sky and disappearing behind a building.

The bartender snorted, thinking, for all they know it could be some kid messing with them. Suddenly, there was a knock on the front door of the bar. Knotting his eyebrows, he stood up and went to the door. He peered through the peephole and saw the woman from last night but this time, she seemed jittery.

Sighing, he opened the door. “Ma’am, the bar’s closed today. Can’t you read the sign?”

The woman glared up at the bartender. “I can read. I just need to show you something. Can I come in?”

The bartender frowned and moved out of the way. The woman walked in, shaking off the coldness of outside.

“How did you know I lived here?” the bartender asked, moving away from her.

The woman shrugged. “I just assumed. If I was wrong, I could’ve just gone to the police station and asked for your name.”

“Yeah, but, you don’t know my name.”

“Oh, right. Well, what is it?”

“I’m not telling you. Anyway, what do you have to show me?”

The woman sighed, digging into the pocket of her coat. “It’s just another letter from my son. And since you are the person who seemed to care-”

“You decided to come to me. You know, you could just go to the police and have them look into it?”

“I was going to do that,” she admitted. “Though, what happened last night, even in my drunken splendor, it seemed best to talk to you.”

The bartender crossed his arms. “I suppose you have a point. So, what does this letter say?”

“Well, I just found it this morning on my doorstep, on top of a small brown package. I opened up the package and the only thing inside was a key. And when I read the letter, it really didn’t mention anything about the key. But, it did tell me where my son might be,” she explained. She then took out the letter and handed to the bartender.

The writing was a bit different from the previous letter she had shown him. The words were slightly neater, the word choice was far more elegant than before, and the spacing seemed stretched out more.

“I don’t know if your son wrote this,” the bartender pointed out. “Do you have the letter you showed me last night?”

The woman nodded, digging into her coat pocket and giving him the letter.

“Here, let’s go sit at a table so we can set the letters down and compare them. Do you want some coffee, by the way?”

“Sure, that sounds nice.” 


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32 Reviews


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Sun Jan 28, 2018 2:57 am
LukeStarkiller wrote a review...



Even not having read Part 1 of this short story, I did enjoy this. It certainly is intriguing, and I'm excited about future installments. There were a couple of glaring issues, though, that I'd like to address.

I don't think your dialogue is clunky, but you put in so many modifiers that it can definitely seem so. "Luckily, the bar was closed..." The 'luckily' is unnecessary, and it adds baggage to the sentence, making it much less punchy. This happens all over the piece. You add things like 'sure,' 'yeah,' and 'so," and it makes it so that when you finally get to the meat of what the person is saying, I'm detached from the story.

It's a little unclear to me how the woman was able to guess where the bartender lived. Maybe this is because I haven't read the first part, but my assumption is that there were no other nearby bars, and so she just guessed based on the information that he was a bartender. If you could offer some explanation for that, that would be great. And I also don't think the whole exchange about her not knowing his name is irrelevant and interrupts the flow of the story. If you want to include that information, have her realize internally that she still doesn't know his name.

Even with these critiques, I did really like this. Some of your dialogue was actually really good. "The woman glared up at the bartender. 'I can read. I just need to show you something. Can I come in?'" stood out to me in particular.

I look forward to Part 3 (and 4 or 5, possibly?). Overall, good work!




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231 Reviews


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Tue Jan 09, 2018 11:49 pm
dogsrule5 says...



Sorry my review posted twice, and I didn't think you wanted to read it twice, so I just am posting this.




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231 Reviews


Points: 3770
Reviews: 231

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Tue Jan 09, 2018 11:49 pm
dogsrule5 wrote a review...



Hey Dogs here for a review! I just read the last chapter you wrote!

First off, I again really liked this chapter, but once again have a few suggestions.

1) Describe the characters. What do they look like? What is the woman wearing? What is the woman's name?

2) Describe what his house/apartment look like. What does it smell like? (Maybe the lady notices a "funky" odor or something). What's inside? Is it big? Is it small? Describe the setting.

3) Describe the characters thoughts, what is the woman thinking. What's going through her head as she's talking to the bartender. Why did she go to the bartender for help instead of the police? Has she been to the police before, or has something bad happened between her and a police officer. Describe what's going on in their heads

4) Give background stories (this may happen later in the story) but what happened previously in the bartender, or this woman's life?

Really good chapter!

Please tell me when the next chapter comes out, I'm enjoying this story so far!!


Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs




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Tue Jan 09, 2018 6:43 pm
OceanPotato says...



I haven't read the first one but from what I have read so far it seems very well written. You are a great writer and I would love to read more things from you in the future





Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.
— Antonio Machado