“Eddie there is bound to be something in here,” Cindy insisted her eyes wondered around each ancient relic that sat on the dusty shelves. Cindy turned around to see her husband at the base of the ladder, hands on hips.
“Come on, Eddie. Look, I know you are allergic to dust but ask your grandmother for one of those facemask so you can breathe.” Eddie rolled his eyes then turned on heel to find a facemask while Cindy chuckled and turned around to see the sea of ancient relics. She wondered over to a box, with metals and broken awards, picking out the ones that made her laugh or ones that might needed to sell. Later, Eddie came up with a facemask and groaned while Cindy had his back turned to him. He smiled from behind the facemask and snuck behind Cindy until he tickled her sides. She dropped the old cards, she held in her hands, and started to crack into a laughter begging for Eddie to stop but it was useless. Finally, Eddie stopped and turned Cindy around to face him, Cindy’s face red from laughter while her eyes were red from tears. Cindy took of the mask he was wearing and kissed him, in this tight embrace they had; Eddie was the first to pull away, smiling.
“Now Cindy, we must find something for our house, not procrastinating.” Eddie pointed out as Cindy chuckled and rolled her eyes.
“You should be talking. Mr. I-don’t-want-to-go-to-my-grandparent’s-house, which is the reason why we came here since we need something for our house, to sell or to keep just don’t tell them that. Even an antiquarian would love it here.” Cindy pointed out as she pulled away from the hug and walked over to a shelf of plates. Eddie smiled as he wondered around the attic, half of the stuff was practically worthless piles of boxes or something like ruined jewelry. Yet Cindy could be right, he thought as he picked up a vase, some of this stuff could be priceless or something like minted cards for baseball.
None of this searching really excited Eddie since his grandmother still lived in the ’60s and most the stuff she had in her house was loosely related back to the items in the attic. He had never liked it here, while most people would since the grandmother would feed you food beyond the limit that your stomach could hold also give you money, sneaking it in your pockets and stuffing in it your shoes. His grandmother, however, was like most parents who didn’t feed you nothing except once or twice a day also didn’t give you money since it was technically was theirs in the beginning.
Cindy pulled out old dresses, with mice holes and faded color, winkled like the time that held them there. She look these over then set them in the box once again and tried to look for anything worth the money to sell or if something, to keep. She sat down upon the old, wood floor peeling through old magazines that showed ladies in corsets, men in a drawn suits, or sometimes a woman opening a dishwasher. Around her, minutes later, a wall to protect herself from oncoming danger from leaving; piles of magazines with women smiling, glass cups that were caked in dust, and sometimes an old, white shoe would appear placed out of order.
Later, Cindy felt her legs going into a short-term nap and deiced to stand up without any support, she grabbed at the nearest relic she could find and try to stand. That of course failed as when she tried to stand, her hand gave out and she sat there once more, dust floating through the air. She grumbled as she lifted herself up, stood, then dusted herself off and carefully tried not to stand on the pile of relics she had found, to show Eddie. She stretched and wondered around a corner, where Eddie was busy examining old books he had found.
“What you got there?” Cindy asked as she leaned against a dresser while Eddie looked up, his glasses on the bridge of his nose.
“I found these amazing books about business from the ‘60s. These could actually help me with my business,” He answered as he pointed a book at Cindy. “Take a look. See what I mean.” Cindy took the book gingerly and opened the book, only to discover dust was coating the pages.
“Eddie, how could you read this? This is like a dust bunnies mating site!” Cindy exclaimed as she handed the book back to Eddie. Eddie opened the book and sighed.
“I must have gave you the wrong book. Still these books are really helpful and I was wondering could I bring these home?” He asked as he held the book to his chest. Cindy looked at Eddie then the book, then at Eddie and smiled.
“I think you need to get your glasses cleaned, sweetie.” She answered as she walked away, leaving Eddie confused as if that was a Yes or a No.
Cindy walked over to a section of the attic with old dolls and records with broken ends, never to be played with again. She stopped in her tracks when she saw a doll with blue eyes and long auburn hair, wearing a pink flora dress; the doll looked like it was made of china or some other doll building material to make itself look like a human. Cindy breathed as she walked over to it; the doll itself was amazing with it detailed eyes looking at a unknown invisible object in front of it while the hair of this doll shined under the light coming from window, made it seem like fire while the eyes of the doll seemed to like a calming tide after a storm.
Cindy touched the coolness of the doll’s skin yet was afraid that if she would have broken the doll so she stepped back and shook the thought the doll was calling her back, wanting to feel human skin rub against its own skin. She rubbed her hands together and looked over at some comic books in boxes. She picked up these comic books, with a gentle hand and looked at the front-to-back sides of the comic book hoping to see if they could sell them.
While Cindy was looking at the comic books, Eddie was kneeling down looking at the wonders that hid in between the cracks of dresses, hoping to find anything from a priceless book to an ideal wonder of the world. Yet from all he could see was cobwebs, coating the dresser walls in eerie manner and some of these cobwebs housed to the little monster that Eddie was afraid of. He shook his head and sighed; they have had no luck what-so ever trying to find anything to sell or to place in their new house. Eddie looked at Cindy, the light from the window seemed to enlighten her body, her hair was like a sun’s glow on a spring morning while her wonderful green eyes peeled apart the comic books she held in her hands.
He wondered over to Cindy, wrapping his arms around her stomach and putting his chin in the nook of her shoulder.
“You know those were mine as a kid?”
“Really? I never knew you were a nerd since you grew up to be a business man,” Cindy admitted as she settled the comic book and picked up another on, turning it over in her hands.
“Ideal yes I was nerd for comic books. I even wanted to be my own superhero, as a kid.”
“I am guessing, Capitan Hufflepuff?”
“What? No!” Eddie exclaimed as he pulled away and flanged his arms about. “I wanted to be Capitan Marshmallow!”
Cindy tried not to laugh but it failed while Eddie rambled on about the superhero he wanted to be.
“I would attack villains with my skills as I sneak up behind them and suffocate them with ‘marshmallow’ paste then I would I have to wait until the police would come. After they would thank me, I would fly my way back to my lover, Georgia Gumball and we would kiss underneath the fading sun,” Eddie explained as he smiled. “What do you think?”
Cindy smiled then laughed that she fell to floor, while clutching her stomach. “That is by far the most stupid thing I have heard since forever! I mean ‘marshmallow paste’ and Georgia Gumball! You.. You make laugh Eddie!”
Eddie smiled and kneeled down. “That is my specialty in this relationship yet however, we are both funny and crazy, so it works both ways.” Cindy smiled and lifted herself up while dusting herself.
“We still need to find something. And no more procrastination, Okay?” Cindy warned as she pointed a finger at Eddie.
“I promise.”
Cindy rolled her eyes and wondered to another spot with boxes with leather bonded books and pencils with no lead. She picked up on of these books and opened to the first place to see a detailed yet smudged picture of a hummingbird, drinking nectar from a bird feeder. Cindy wondered if they even had bird feeders in the ‘60s or some time ahead of that but didn’t bother with the thinking since half of the picture in the book she held, were almost preserved by the air that they were in. Cindy made a pile of these books, some were to keep while others were to sell then wondered how could someone draw animals in still motion, without them noticing you there watching them in the shadows.
At the very bottom of the box, there was an wrinkled letter with smudges on the outside. Cindy picked it up and read what was inside.
It read:
Dearest Hemmingway,
I have receive the letter that you are coming from the nearest town of Denver to see your family. That is lovely yet however, I was wondering how the trees of spring could bring the beautiful person to Denver without even thinking about me? Most or less so, the dreams that I could keep forever with myself, are like those I have seen within a dream since when you are dreaming and not sleeping, you know you are in love. However, I would be known already that a man has taken the heart of you and by that manner, I do hope you feel the same for me when you old and I am young. Tell the trees of spring to flee within the coming months of winter, since the seasons will for more be changing yet I wish you luck in Denver.
Farewell,
Francis Killer
Cindy read the letter over and over again, to remember that love was wired in the old days since the letters they would send were like hidden riddles or an answer key to some type of another riddle, which made Cindy’s head hurt. She set the letter down and looked over at Eddie, who was walking to another corner of the attic; what were to happen if they had been in the ‘60s, would Eddie still love her then?
“Cindy! I found something!” Eddie exclaimed which broke the thought of Cindy as her sped-walk over to Eddie’s location. When she got there, Cindy was about to “what” but turned her head to see the most wonderful ugly thing they have found that evening; a chair with had a yellow texture with orange swirls yet on the back of the chair there was white fabric, contrasting yellow from the orange.
“See, this may look ugly but something that are ugly are like those things that are pretty,” Eddie insisted as he walked over to the recliner and sat, dust rising from their chambers and dancing in the sun’s light. Eddie squirmed in the recliner but soon got comfortable and looked at Cindy with a grin.
“Do you like it? I mean you haven’t sat in it yet but if you do, I will be sure you will like it just by looking at it.” Cindy nodded as Eddie got up and gestured to recliner. “Your throne, my lady.”
When Cindy sat down, she realized that she could feel springs poking her in the butt. She squirmed then got comfortable then smiled at Eddie, hands on the armrest feeling the fabric.
“It is wonderful yet there is some work needed to it. Overall, I think it would be lovely to our house.”
Eddie smile and he known everyone was happy.
“Just one question, Eddie. How do we take it downstairs?”
Hey, Tues! Pomp here for The Big Review. I'm so sorry for the lateness; life's been getting in the way recently~
~ Technical:
- Insert comma after 'Eddie'.
- You appear to be missing a bit of punctuation, which classifies the sentence following the dialogue as a run-on. You can fix this pretty easily; since 'her eyes wandered...' is an independent clause*, which means you can either add a period or a semi-colon after 'insisted'.
- Typo: 'wondered' should be 'wandered'.
*An independent clause is a complete sentence which can stand on its own as a complete sentence--meaning, it has both a subject and a predicate.
~ Again, I'll be talking about a little technical stuff here. You begin this sentence with 'Cindy', which makes the sentence redundant-sounding; think of it as the same effect you'd get with several sentences starting with 'I'.
~ It's not very clear whose hands were on their hips, since what you have here appears to be a dangling modifier. The way it's written now, it looks very clunky, and the reader might think that it was Cindy whose hands were on her hips--as opposed to her husband. It might also lead to them questioning 'but won't she fall off the ladder like that?
You can fix this if you tweak the sentence a tad, to read as '...his hands on his hips'.
There are a few more typos and grammatical errors--possibly because you wrote this in a hurry? I'd august scanning through this once and correcting them.
I also noticed that you have an incorrectly used semicolon in your piece (I would quote where but I've been reduced to typing this review out on phone, eurgh). That said, semicolons are used to divide independent clauses, not clauses which are dependent on one another. This article will probably help more than I can. XD
Okay, so besides the technical iffies, I found the beginning to be a little hurried and dry. Hurried, because it starts with dialogue and cuts to action immediately without me finding my feet; dry because I haven't gotten acquainted with the scene yet and the narrative voice is still wobbly in the second paragraph. I found the entrance into the story a bit stilted, because normally people don't speak in entire sentences and without contractions.
That being said, kudos on beginning with scene--action usually grips the reader pretty well! I think you could work on making this scene stronger, though, by 1) making the dialogue seem more natural, and 2) lingering a little by Cindy's side and exploring the relics. This could really give your entry a sense of immediacy, if you focused on the relics, because they've already been introduced and I'd like a bit of internal thought here. Like, Cindy fretting because there's so much dust, wondering how on earth she's going to find whatever she's looking for ... stuff like that. One thing I've noticed is that internal thought eventually paves the way to more scene: your character starts thinking about dust, she's eventually going to explore it. Like, she may start patting at the shelf just to cause a cloud of dust to rise up, which will lead to her coughing and perhaps some character interaction as Eddie asks her what's wrong, etc. Little things, y'know.
In short, scene --> action.
~ Coming to dialogue, I'm going to talk generally about the dialogue in this piece. I've found that your characters have the tendency to speak in complete thoughts and inform the reader of every single detail they need to know. I'm not saying your readers /don't/ need to know these things, but when people talk to one another, their dialogue usually doesn't give so much info away. Eddie and Cindy are pretty tight (or so you've portrayed them) so whenever they speak to one another they will speak in an informal context/ one person will assume that they've been understood by the other person. As such, when people know each other well enough, they rarely ever bother to explain themselves completely.
So! When using dialogue, don't be so blunt with it. It's not a tool to inform your readers of every single detail; it's a support system. Take a look at this fab piece of existence.
~ Pacing: A lot of this piece seems to be hurriedly written, description tumbling over description. I'd suggest you take things a little slower, Tues, in the first couple of paras, and focus on sensory description and such instead of simply sequencing events. Make people move like people, not robots hardwired to carry out specific actions~
Another reason why the pacing felt fast to me in places was because of some run-on sentences. I'm pretty sure if you read through this, you'll be able to spot them for yourself. ^^ Break the long-ish sentences into two or more. Take it easy with the info you dispatch--your readers aren't going anywhere. XD
What I really liked about the way you write this is that the characters' relationship could be felt. Some facets remain unexplored, but for such a short piece, you've really managed to flesh them out. Your surroundings are also very solid: I loved roaming the attic. But again, I reiterate! too fast, too fast! In some places, their relationship felt a bit ... bland and forced. This could be because we're mostly focused on the romance aspect as well as the setting, but not on how they got together/what their purpose is besides being together. You piqued my interest when you mentioned Cindy's business, because it felt real, and I'd have liked it if this was expounded on. I also had a lot of questions about their relationship, since it feels like they've only recently been married, but I was disappointed because no real-life problems or many decisions were mentioned--besides examples of them being lovey-dovey, of course.
All in all, what this piece lacks is conflict and resolution, which makes it seems like a snippet-story rather than a short story with a complete beginning, middle, and end. Give your characters motives. Give your characters goals. Spice things up a little and explore beyond the attic to the lives they live. Romance is just a part of who they are; it doesn't have to define them.
Moving on, I'd like to talk about PoV. For quite some time I assumed you were working with a Third Person Omniscient Objective PoV, which is basically when the narrator knows and sees everything in the story but doesn't enter their characters' minds. But then you delve into Eddie's thoughts with 'Yet Cindy could be right...' After that you switch between the characters' thoughts, and there's a certain level of fluidity that's achieved. I think you could work on this, though, by entering the characters' thoughts earlier on in the piece so readers aren't put off much.
I liked how you wrap your ending up yet leave it hanging--the dialogue you end with is one of the most natural and best that I've read/heard from these guys. I like it vury muchly. Overall, just focus on fleshing out other aspects of the piece a little more, motives, goals, and to what extent these motives/goals are achieved, etc. Good stuff here~
Hope this helped. Keep writing! Keep up the great work!
PM me if you have any questions~
~Pomp c:
Oh my goodness! I can't say anything more that this:
"You are perfect and simply the best!"
I just can't say anything more than this.
And hey! I did see some really small grammatical errors. If you want me to correct them for you (I would need 1 hour or so. haha), just let me know. I shall be glad to do that.
Well, it was superb. You are just so perfect at everything.
Wonderful imagery! I could really see the scene unfold. A few suggestions: I couldn't quite find the theme of the story. Are Eddie and Cindy mourning for Eddie's grandmother, or reminiscing better times? If this story were to have a clearer theme readers would be able to connect more emotionally. Also, the word "something" is used quite a bit in this story and you could probably replace it with something more descriptive.
Keep writing! You're doing great!
Hello! You're my 50th review!
Ahem.
So, before I even get into my review, might I suggest to go back and edit this. There were a lot of punctuation (particularly comma) errors, and you repeated some words a couple times in a row... Sometimes, that's all right, but in your case, you can just use a thesaurus and find a synonym.
Okay! So, the thing that irked me was: what exactly was the message, the point of this story? It seems just like a little piece about a husband and a wife, looking through old boxes and packages in the attic, and then they find this chair. It may just be me, but I can't really find a point in this story. >.<
The imagery and description was well written out, despite the fact I had to wander through some jumbled up words (back up to the first point-just a small quick typing error), it was wonderful! It was a nice, refreshing read, and I did enjoy it.
Good luck, and I hope this helps you! Hopefully you can improve before you have to submit this (to Literary Journal...?)
~ EternalRain
Thanks! i did notice some of the mistakes in here and no, and i am not entering this in the Literary Journal.. for the life of me.
No problem!
And I thought you said you were entering this so something in the description... But oh. Silly me.