“I hate to bother you, but I have something important to ask.”
The bartender stopped cleaning the glass and looked over his glasses. A middle-aged woman was sitting before him with a circle of shot glasses around her. She’s clearly intoxicated, he thought before standing to his height.
“Yes, ma’am?”
“What’s today?” she asked, slurring the last bit.
“I believe it is the 22nd of March,” he replied, going back to cleaning the glass.
“Today’s my son’s birthday. He’s going to be twenty.” She then paused, picking up one of the empty shot glasses. “I miss him. It’s a shame he isn’t coming back, though.”
The bartender placed the glass under the bar. Standing up, he pressed his palms on the bar countertop. “Why’s that?”
The woman shrugged, setting down the shot glass. “He didn’t tell me. Just an important business trip he had to take. The strange thing is, though, he left in the dead of night.” She then reached into her coat pocket and took out a piece of paper. “This is the only thing that he left me.”
“May I?” The bartender asked, gesturing to the slip of paper.
The woman shrugged, leaning back in her seat. “That’s fine. I don’t think it has anything important on it.”
The bartender then opened the note. The handwriting was a bit sloppy and loopy, letters were pressed together, and it was written with a pen. He skimmed over it a few times before replacing it back on the counter. “It seems like your son lied to you.”
The woman, who was in her own thoughts, looked up at the bartender in confusion. “What’d you mean, 'lying'? My son would never lie to me.”
“No one can make it through their life without lying once,” the bartender stated. “The bar’s going to be closing up in a bit so I think it’s best if you get your stuff together.”
The woman frowned but didn’t say anything. Instead, she got out of her seat, wobbling a bit, before grabbing her coat. The bartender began to clean another glass while the woman stumbled out the door. After a moment, the bartender realized he should’ve offered her a place to stay instead of wandering about outside.
“Oh well. The city is going to have to deal with her. Not myself.”
After wiping down the bar, he ended up going behind to his room. A messy bed with crinkled tan sheets, a dimly lit light, and a writing desk with papers spread all over the place. He sighed, untying the tie he was wearing and opened up the closet. Inside was t-shirts, jeans, sweatpants and bartender uniforms. Undressing, the bartender decided to wear a navy blue shirt, grey sweatpants, and fuzzy white socks.
He then headed to his bed, laying down and staring at the ceiling. He began to think of the letter the lady showed him and the interest of what it meant. Before falling asleep, the bartender asked himself, what do I do now?
End of chapter
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138,740 Literary Works • 672,270 Reviews
Hey, Dogs here for a review!
So first off I want to start off by saying that I really enjoyed this! I can't wait until the next chapter comes out! Please tag me or something when it does, because I won't remember to check. I have a bad memory! Anyway enough about me....
I really like what you did with the title, where it's open to create your own title (unless you just don't have a title yet, but I'm assuming this is intentional)
I like how this chapter/part is short and sweet, though I do have a few suggestions.
1) I would really like to picture the characters in my head! What do they look like? What are they wearing? (As you described perfectly before the bartender headed to bed). What are they thinking? (You did do this occasionally, but it's good to add character's thoughts to novels so readers can get to know the character and connect with the character and their personality.
Also who are the people? For example: do they have names? Maybe you could've shown the lady reading the Bartenders name tag or something (assuming the bartender does wear a name tag, but I do not know) so we can know his name.
I do like the detail show shown at the end about what the bartender does and what he's thinking.
2) I'm intrigued and on the edge of my seat to know what the letter says, and don't give it away, but maybe hint of make one of the characters imply to something the letter says. I'm sorry if I don't get across what I mean, it's very hard to describe what I'm trying to say. If you have questions, PM me, or reply and let me know!
3) Describe the setting. What does the bar look like, what does his room look like. Describing the setting really helps readers imagine where the book takes place as well as the characters in it, then they can imagine the book like a movie while reading. (If that makes any sense, I probably worded that weird, sorry)
I do have one comment to make, and it's not trying to be against the story or anything because I really liked it, but one thing I noticed was that when the drunk lady left the bar, the bartender thought
I think you should add the bartender ask her if she needs a ride home and help her find one, because if she shouldn't be driving when she's drunk, unless there is a reason he didn't ask this, or if we are supposed to assume from this quote "wandering about outside" that she doesn't have a home to go home to.
You have a good base for the story, and you don't have too, but I do strongly suggest you try to include the suggestions I listed above into further chapters, so we can imagine the story in out heads. Where does the story take place? Etc, etc.
Anyway that's all!
Please, please, please tell me when the next chapter comes out, I'm dying to read more, and can't wait to see where this story goes, and with much more detail this story can go a long way.
I hope this review helps!
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs
I just read this and I cannot wait until you add another part. I'm curious about what the letter says! One particular thing that could be improved is the description of the people. Also, to get people interested in another part, perhaps you could hint at what the letter says? I'm not a good writer, so you can ignore this, but I thought I might as well say my piece.
I'm intrigued. This is seems like it's going to be an interesting story and I'll see more. First, I want to say, your grammar is beautiful and I don't think there were any spelling problems. I only want to point out this particular phrase:
I don't want to change up your style of writing for this sentence or anything, but I just wanted to suggest rephrasing this, "The woman, who was lost in her own thoughts, looked up at the bartender in confusion." if that makes a bit more sense.
Okay I know this review was a bit messy but I hoped my small suggestion helped!
~emolemon