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A Love Song from the Netherlands (阿蘭陀からの恋物語)

by ToastK


A Love Song from the Netherlands 阿蘭陀(オランダ)からの恋物語

The JP line above the EN line is the original that I wrote, and the EN below is the rough translation with a little rhyme and rhythm added to fit the lyricalness(??) of the JP text.

Background: In traditional Chinese culture, a red knot (or just knots in general,) have various amounts of meanings. One of which, is the meaning of reunion. A couple from the Netherlands embark on a journey together, but not long after embarkation, the girl falls ill. Not being able to go on the journey together, the boy then goes alone, promising that he’ll bring back a gift from the other side of the world, so she can experience it as well.
He reaches port Arthur (a port in modern day Liaodong, China) and gleefully purchases a nice Jade necklace placed in a tiny box wrapped in red string. He learns what knots symbolize in Chinese culture a couple days into his journey through China and uses the string that wrapped the box to make a knot, failing many times before making one that was presentable.
However, the boy tragically passes away on his way back home in a shipwreck, just before he could make it back.
A Japanese poet overhears this story from one of the Westerners in the city and creates lyrics based off it.

(This is a fictional story made to set up the setting for this song)

Lyrics

貴方と末永く

For an Eternity and Beyond,

切れない結び目で繋がりたい

I Want to be Next to You, Connected Through this Knot.

彼方へ行きましょう

Let’s Go and Reach Over Yonder

一緒に旅立ちましょう

Let’s Embark on a Journey Together

崩れ落ちそうな古い船で

On this Run-Down Withering Boat

今更咲けそうなチューリップの鱗茎(りんけい)と

Bringing Along a ‘Bout to Bloom Tulip Bud

貴方と二人で行きましょう

I’ll Go With You, Just the Two of Us.

囁きの要らない海原ならば

When I Look Upon this Vast, Wide Sea, a Place Free of Judgement,

星空に向けれる水平線が

I Look Over the Starry Skies, Over the Horizon,

どこまで続けるのか気になり

Curious as to How Far We’ll get to reach

満月の月明かりの下で

Under this Full Moon’s Illumination, I’ll Stay With You.

貴方と末永く

For an Eternity and Beyond,

切れない結び目で繋がりたい

I Want to be Next to You, Connected Through this Knot.

過去は完全に置き去り、

Forget the Past, Let’s Move on From It,

郷里で貴方の心は残り、

Forget Your Heart in This Hometown of Yours,

もう二度と戻れない旅に立ち

Let’s Embark on this Journey With No Way Back

辛い記憶は残せて来い

Leave Your Painful Memories, and Come With Me

囁きの要らない海原ならば

When I Look Upon this Vast, Wide Sea, a Place Free of Judgement,

星空に向けれる水平線が

I Look Over the Starry Skies, Over the Horizon,

どこまで続けるのか気になり

Curious as to How Far We’ll get to reach

満月の月明かりの下で

Under this Full Moon’s Illumination, I’ll Stay With You.

貴方と末永く

For an Eternity and Beyond,

切れない結び目で繋がりたい

I Want to be Next to You, Connected Through this Knot.

行けなくなっても大丈夫よ

It’s Okay if You Can’t Go No More.

彼方からの贈り物を買って

I’ll Bring a Gift From Overseas to You.

それと一緒に来た

And Along With that Gift I Bought,

赤糸とそこに隠れている

From Port Arthur, Comes a Little Red Knot

言葉を貴方へ伝える

With a Hidden Meaning That I Hope Reaches You.

囁きの要らない海原ならば

When I Look Upon this Vast, Wide Sea, a Place Free of Judgement,

星空に向けれる水平線が

I Look Over the Starry Skies, Over the Horizon,

どこまで続けるのか気になり

Curious as to How Far We’ll get to reach

満月の月明かりの下で

Under this Full Moon’s Illumination, I’ll Stay With You.

貴方と末永く

For an Eternity and Beyond,

切れない結び目で繋がりたい

I Want to be Next to You, Connected Through this Knot.


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Sun Jun 09, 2024 3:18 am
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Moonlily wrote a review...



Hello hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. Overall I probably won't be giving any feedback as I don't know Japanese and I don't know what feedback I give to the translation would do to the original line. So I think I will instead give my thoughts on the piece and its backstory.

Under this Full Moon’s Illumination, I’ll Stay With You.


This line stuck out to me it's simple but carries this sense of quiet sadness I can't quite explain. You do a great job both evoking emotion and giving the reader or I guess listener a moment to picture.


I Want to be Next to You, Connected Through this Knot.


Although I have yet to look into what a lot means I can take a guess one might be death. If I have to take a further guess I would say the death of a lover or soulmate thanks to the red string of fate. ( I could be wrong ) However, even knowing about the sting of fare and adding on the backstory makes it a punch in the gut.

Now onto the background of this piece. It's super heartbreaking yet wholesome its a good mix of cute romance and tragedy. I know you said that this is just setting up stuff for the actual book ( I took that as these events happen beforehand and sent seen) but I would read a whole book about this couple. To me, it feels like the opening of Pixars Up and going in-depth about these characters might further break hearts.

With that being said I am interested in this story and where it might go.

As always keep writing and drink water!




ToastK says...


Thank you so much for your review! I didnt really think of writing a whole story from this, as I wrote the song first, then added the backstory, but I actually think thatd be an awesome idea! Also, lol thank you for reminding me to stay hydrated, have a nice rest of your day, night, or whatever timezone they use in Neptune ig.



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Tue Jun 04, 2024 4:18 pm
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TheRebel2007 wrote a review...



Hey there! Rebel here for a short review!

At the onset, the idea for the poem sounds absolutely adorable - and tragic, like most love stories. Although I am a little familiar with Japanese (perks of being an anime enthusiast), I am not qualified enough to review the Japanese text. However, I can indeed review its translation. So, let's get on to it!

I checked Google Translate and used my own tiny bits of knowledge to compare the English version to the Japanese one - and it seems that it is not a line by line translation. In such a case, it is a bit misleading to write the English line after the Japanese one. For example, in the first line, anata-no suenagaku doesn't mean For an Eternity and Beyond, it'd be something like "Yours, forever". So, I'd suggest (for future translations), you should write the Japanese version in one single block and then, the English version in another single block. If my words are a little confusing, check out one of my own poems: Faster, Higher, Stronger - Together! - and you'd understand what I am trying to say.

Now, to some lines that I found interesting:

When I Look Upon this Vast Wide Sea, a Place Free of Judgement,

"Vast Wide Sea" sounds a little redundant, in my opinion. Vast and wide, when placed like that, doesn't sound natural to me. You could use some other synonyms like enormous, boundless etc. And it seems that you have translated "where whispers aren't needed" as a "Place Free of Judgement", which is alright.

I’ll Bring You a Gift From Overseas to You

Grammatically speaking, the double you's are redundant and wrong. I advise you to remove one of the you's.

Under this Full Moon’s Illumination, I’ll Stay With You

Although I understand that you've translated mangetsu-no tsukiari-no shita de as "Under this Full Moon's Illumination" due to the no's, the phrase "full moon's illumination" sounds a bit off in English. Although the particle no in Japanese corresponds to "'s" in English, in this case, it sounds a bit artificial. For example, Hagane-no Renkinjutsushi is translated as "Fullmetal Alchemist" in English, not "Iron's Alchemist" or "Fullmetal's Alchemist". I'd advise you to change "Full Moon's Illumination" to something like "luminescent moonlight" or something like that.

All in all, the idea behind the poem is extremely sweet, sad, and tragic. And, although I have not read many Japanese poems, the Japanese also sounded really good when I read it aloud. However, the English translation, in my opinion, needs a bit more work to match the vibe of its Japanese counterpart. And yes, all these criticisms are made in good faith and in no way do I try to undermine you or your vocabulary. It's your choice if you'd accept my advices or not.

So, that's all. Keep writing! :p

P.S.: This review is brought to you by Team Tortoise.




ToastK says...


thank you so much for ur review! (also go team tortoise! lol) btw,
I understand what you mean by the translation not being one to one, but the part
%u201Canata to suenagaku%u201D DOES mean %u201Cbe with you forever%u201D
because it relates to the next line.
%u201Canata to suenagaku kirenai musubimde de tsunagaritai%u201D
literally translates to
%u201CI want to be connected to you forever by an unbreakable knot%u201D
I feel like translating literally is the worse version compared to transliterating while still keeping the whole text the same (not saying one is superior over the other tho) so I tried to do the latter. I did not translate it perfectly because I did not use google translate, so I will definitely work on my translation next time! (if there IS a next time)



TheRebel2007 says...


By not being a "line by line" translation, I meant to say that the format in which the English and Japanese versions have been been present in such a way that one might be misled to think that the particular Japanese line correlates to that particular English translation. Of course, I know that the first two lines are interconnected - what I meant to say is that the Japanese words in the first line doesn't exactly mean the same as the English words in the first line.

And I definitely agree with you about the translation thing - translations shouldn't be about what the words mean, they should be about what the poem means. Translations should try to keep the essence of the original, and you did that fairly well. Kudos to you! :p




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