The other end of the auditorium is less crammed with people. Less stuffy and it’s quieter, although I can still hear the multiple conversations—all of them intermixing in one big pile of speech that’s impossible to understand.
I pass underneath a fancy arch—one that looks like it took years to build, it is so meticulously perfect and elaborate—into a hallway with a title above it in fancy lettering: EXIT. It’s dark and tight, so unlike the auditorium I find myself looking back, wishing I could return. But when I do, the big room is gone. It’s as if someone has dropped a grate over the hall, closing off the beyond. There is the hallway, and then a wall of blackness where the dim light fades out.
I feel the entire room grow colder, and the lights grow dimmer as I walk hesitantly down the length.
A whispering voice talks to my right, and I jump back—my mouth opening in a small scream before I can stop myself. My heart pounds in my chest as I look over the wall, seeing nothing but my own shadow reflected off the pale lamp from above. But I hear the voice again. And again. The voice speaks words I can’t understand, words jumbled together in an unrecognizable pattern
“Shut up!” I scream at the wall. The whispering stops.
Why am I like this? Everything seems to bear down on me, almost like little tendrils of darkness creeping up into my heart, chilling and blackening whatever was still warm. There is no need to crawl into my brain and haunt my memory. There’s nothing there. Only emptiness, just like this gloomy hallway.
This time when I walk—or more accurately, run frantically—I slide my hand down the walls. I don’t know why, but it gives me a feeling of security, like there is one more thing grounding me. The texture is rough and bumpy, and my fingers prick against something sharp every so often, but I don’t stop to see what they are.
Just like the man said, the loo (bathroom, whatever) is just ahead, two wooden doors standing in the gloom. A bulb flickers above them, showing the signs in a haze, indicating which I am to go into—assuming I know how to follow directions, that is.
The one on the left shows a chap wearing pants, and the one on the right shows a person in a wheelchair. I choose the door on the right. Why not? I am obviously handicapped.
I ease the door open, investigating every visible inch of the room before venturing inside. No matter how creepy this hallway is, the next room could be worse. Far worse. The whispers could actually have a body to go along with. Normally, I would call that a good thing. But right now I prefer the whispers remain bodiless.
Once I decide the loo is safe enough—how dangerous can a sink and mirror be anyway, despite the fact I might look worse than I think?—I throw the door open and take one step into the brightly lit room. It seems so much more welcoming than the hallway, the each corner being filled with white light. A fragrance fills the room, too. Not a bad one, but a welcoming air freshener. One that reminds me of the sea, salty and stormy.
The door slams behind me, and I jump in fright. But my mind instantly goes into overdrive, fabricating cuddly reasons for its sudden closure. Whatever, my intuition says to the excusers, the door slammed for a reason.
But the loo doesn’t present anyone waiting for me, and no monsters jump out of the toilet. Although peering into it, I wonder if they had previously, and left some green goo behind. The toilet is gross.
Leaning against the sink—a cold spire of porcelain sprouting from the tile floor—I close my eyes and let out a deep breath. A breath I have been holding in ever since I found myself lying on that cot, alone and completely lost.
At least in this world full of doubt and emptiness, there are no negative memories to haunt me. There is only the present and the future to worry about, and that seems more than enough to handle.
A slight rumbling catches my attention from the floor. The sink begins to vibrate against my back. The walls starts shaking, ever so minutely at first but building to a deafening roar. The pictures on the wall—images that looked like genuine paintings, all swirls of sunsets and crystal lakes—tumble down from their perches, shattering against the tile.
The entire room shifts. The mirror behind the sink I cling to tilts ever so slightly, giving me a crooked image of my face. I look dirty and terrible. Even a quick glance can tell me that.
The room swings more to the side, and the mirror falls off its hangers, threatening to fall on top of me but careening to the side with another sporadic jolt of the room. It drops to the floor, spraying out in a sea of broken glass—shards flung out to the corners of the room. A thousand slivers reflect the light above, sending the same glare into the ceiling.
Everything becomes a blur to me. The room tilts forward, and I find myself hanging onto the sink for dear life, praying to whoever will hear me to stop this ride. But nothing stops. The room continues to rotate until it’s completely upside down, and I lose my grip on the slick porcelain, the shiny surface scratching as my nails try digging in to keep hold.
As I fall to the ceiling—bracing myself for the imminent impact mere feet away—it breaks apart. No, not breaks. It simply dissipates into nothing, the entire ceiling fading away to black. As does the light.
And I begin to fall, my scream bouncing back from invisible walls as I tumble down into the darkness below.
End of chapter
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139,491 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
*sneaks up the stairs to my room and the computer* Uh-oh.....everyone is in my room xD Rose is playing the guitar/singing and Annie and Honora are sitting on Annie's side of the room....so much for peace and quiet =P I'll do the best I can to review with all the noise
*starts of in the usual way*
Hello once again TimothyJake, TimmyJake, Timothy or just Jake xD I am back to review some more of your work *throws in the electric guitar solo*
So the many different sides of my brain have been fighting over who gets to talk first. The reviewer side of my brain won.
*reviewer side of brain* - MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! Now I have to think of what to say...in all truthfulness there isn't much that I can say about this chapter -"
*friend side pipes in* LET ME SAY SOMETHING THAN!
*reviewer side keeps going, ignoring the other side* You did a really good job on this one and there isn't anything wrong that I can spot. You gave a good amount of information, kept everything entertaining and left me, once again, wanting to know more of what was going to happen. I already feel a sense of connection with your main character and that is something I consider as a "must have" with book characters. Hopefully I can achieve that personal connection with some of my own fictional creations, as well as you do.
One thing I suggest is that you try to use more description, flowery words, as well as combine your sentences into longer ones...just to make it flow better. That is all I have to say about this chapter, keep up the excellent work!
*Friend side jumps up and down* MY TURN! Your chapter was very well written as usual and kept me wanting to strangle you for not giving me more information. *You did really good with the amount you gave, I am just a selfish person xD I can't wait to read more of your stuff except I might have to do some school now xD
Anyways, again - KEEP WRITING THIS BOOK CAUSE IT IS AWESOME!
~Selina
Thank youuuuuu
Yes, in the future edits, I'm going to use more description and longer sentences. I think that's one of my weaknesses, and eventuallyyyy, I will conquer it. xd
Thanks again!
No problem. I love reading your story <3
Every weakness can be conquered!
Back again!
So the two characters are kinda meshing, becoming difficult to distinguish; I had to check the chapter title to establish that it's the girl who's speaking. It's nothing to do with voice--I can definitely buy that this is a girl's perspective--but more something pertaining to the story itself. The swift pace, all the peculiar events that go unexplained, and the really direct, intense description ... it's moving too quickly, the details sliding through my mind like trying to hold water in cupped hands, and there's not a lot of pause for thought or reflection. We just have to ride along with Avery and accept everything that's occurring.
I'd love to dig deeper into their heads. Basically, how does this girl differ from Ally? It's good to give characters some defining quirks and mannerisms--the example I like to use is Captain Queeg from The Caine Mutiny, who had these steel balls he'd always be rolling in his palms. Like one of those stress things you squish to help suppress pent-up energy.
Also, I don't know anything of either's appearances except that Ally's limbs look like string beans, and Avery is British (I guess that doesn't really qualify as appearance). Think first impressions. Those are fun to do in prose, and they establish a base for your narrator to mold all the rest of their perceptions around. "His very person and appearance were such as to strike the attention of the most casual observer. In height he was rather over six feet and so excessively lean that he seemed to be considerably taller. His eyes were sharp and piercing, save during those intervals of torpor to which I have alluded; and his thin, hawk-like nose gave his whole expression an air of alertness and decision." (An excerpt from A Study in Scarlet. It goes on a bit to describe the rest of his physical features and Sherlock's daily habits.)
To summarize that--try cutting down on the action. I don't think this'll be hugely difficult for you because you've spilled a lot of focus on character development and reflection already--just give us some time for our emotions to solidify.
On the other hand, wow. Things are heating up. Wow.
I'm just going to run a quick hand over technical stuff:
"Multiple" is already implied by the plural-ness of "conversation." Also, "the conversations" by itself sounds a bit bare and bleached-bone--maybe "hear the people conversing."
Now let us taketh a look at the description ensuing the M-dash. I love it; I see the potential in it, but the words are so ... vanilla. "Intermixing." Meh. How about exchanging that for "coalescing" or "intermingling," or something more poetic, like [can't think of a poetic synonym right now but will get back to you later]? And we could give that "one big pile of speech" a complete makeover. "One liquid pool of voices." "One grey ocean of words." Summon thy creative juices.
This is pretty vague, and I understand that the narrator elaborates on it in the next part, but again, I feel like "fancy" is so ... vanilla. Maybe "intricately-detailed"? Just going slightly more specific.
And "fancy" is used twice in this sentence, so eliminating this "fancy" would also eliminate redundancy.
Just try smoothing out a bit of the redundancy here.
This requires a bit of specification: "down the length of the room." I'd recommend just going with "down the room," though, because "length of" makes things unnecessarily longer.
Eep. *shudders* Read that aloud and you'll see there's redundancy hidden in three places in this clause. "Whispering," "voice," and "talks."
If you exchange a couple of them for other words, though, they'll offer fresh detail instead of reiterating what's already been implied. "A [adjective] voice whispers."
Ooh. Rhetorical question.
But when the narrator exclaims "why am I like this," they're not describing so much their personality as their current state of mind/emotions. Try clarifying things: "Why do I feel like this?"
The narrator just contradicted herself, saying she didn't know why the feeling of security existed and then justifying its existence.
"Something" is actually a singular noun, so you'd be using "what it is" instead.
I'd try clarifying things here: "illuminating" instead of "showing," and clipping the words "in a haze" because they don't lend anything; a gloomy atmosphere was already established.
So I admit, my understanding of British slang comes solely from Harry Potter, BBC, British literature, and one short four-day trip to London, but I'm pretty sure the British call bathrooms bathrooms. And "loo" is slang--you only use it in expressions like "pop to the loo" or "can I use your loo"?
The Difference Between Bathroom, Loo, and Washroom
As for "chap," that's also dialogue-ish slang. Maybe "bloke," if you really want a British touch.
Also, pants = trousers. What Americans call underpants the British call pants, and I don't think you meant a guy in Fruit of the Loom.
One last thing: isn't "a chap wearing pants" kind of redundancy ... because you infer it's a bloke from the fact that they're attired in trousers? So maybe you should switch it around: "a trousers-wearing bloke," although that sounds a bit awkward. Eh. I'll leave it up to you.
"Fact" and "might" aren't two words that belong perpendicular each other. Maybe "chance" instead of "fact"?
And no, I promise you on my phone's grave the reason that I don't have any nitpicks from the middle of the piece onward isn't because I got tired. It's because it was nitpick-proof. I was just hanging on the edge of the seat, and the description was so wonderfully fantastic and intense and vivid and my eyes kept wanting to jump ahead to the next paragraph because they couldn't move quickly enough to satisfy my desire to learn more. (Man, you should be glad I already read the chapter following this or I'd be strangling you right now.)
Keep up the amazing work! Happy Review Day!
My knowledge of English comes entirely from, uh, chatting with English peopleee. So your input is very helpful and much needed. xd More research, here I come.... Thank youuu for pointing all those issues out. I need to work on the Englishness and making their styles more set apart from each other. I was attempting to make Avery more of a relaxed style, putting everything in a non-prosish blunt way. But I don't want things to be vanilla and bland. So I'll have to really work on that.
Thank you, yet again. <3
Ah, British-English is an enigma. XD I've always wondered what the British think of American-English--like us with our "z"s and our "er"s ... they must think we butchered the language, haha.
I do see that in Avery's perspective, the description becomes a little more direct, less flowery but still poetic. There's really no overall blandness to it--just maybe a word that I pointed out. And I loved reading the two of them interact with each other and having their personalities collide. That was amazing.
<3
Hi! FireBird99 here for a review{Once again}.
My only question is....what in the world is going on?!? You bug me because you have peaked my curiosity immensely. I am tempted to just go to the last chapter that you have on YWS and read it. BUT then I stop myself and once again I get left at a cliff-hanger. Grrrrr how do you do cliff-hangers so well? I'm jealous -_-. Very jealous -__-. Next chapter here I come!
FireBird99
Thank you for da compliments on my meanness. xd I had a good teacher on that, one of my reviewing buddies. She is wayyy better at the cliffhangers than I am. heehee I hope you figure out what's going on soon. By the beginning of the next chapter, you should have a good idea.
<3
Your welcome. Being mean to the readers is the best thing ever. Well...not for the reader XD. Sweet, I'll check it out soon =P
Thanks for the review, Jumpy. As always, so helpful, and I think this is the best review you have given me yet. Thank you!
You're doing amazing. Honestly. Thank you for being my reviewer with Affinity. <3
Hmm, interesting.
hmmm <3
Hi there! Told you I'd come back to this eventually.
Whoa, you're already on chapter 7?! o.o You're a fast writer! Ah, right, you're doing the LMS now so you'll be posting as often as I do. Hey, if you can catch up on my novel, I can catch up on yours. Let's do this!
Uh, I'd read through the other reviews, which I usually do, but there are so many of them.
How'd you become so popular? Tell me your secretsIf I repeat anything just ignore it.By saying that the auditorium is less crammed, imagined there being less people. So adding the 'with people' there at the end seems a bit repetitive.
Gah, you use dashes so wonderfully. They really help with the flow of your writing. And it's become a part of your writing style. I find myself looking for the dashes and expecting them. Very nice. ...I had something else to say, but I forget now -_- If I remember I'll let you know.
I can't really describe what I find "wrong" about this part (because apparently my brain is only half awake today), but I will try my best to explain it. I think the best way to say this is I think you could say "so unlike when I left the auditorium" instead of what's written here. The ending of this sentence mentions that she wants to return, unlike when she left the auditorium. But you never really mention that she left the auditorium and didn't want to return. I hope you understand what I mean here because I'm confusing myself trying to explain it xD
Isn't a whispering voice a voice that is talking?
Obviously it's a blur to her. She's the one telling the story.
Hang on a second. You're telling me that you're going to kill me for my cliffhangers?? You're cliffhanger is just as bad, maybe even worse, than mine. HOW DARE YOU??!! *ahem* Sorry, lost my cool there. That whole scene there at the end was written very well. Obviously that isn't something that any one of us has ever gone through, so it was super important for you to describe it well. And that's exactly what you did. I watch Dancing With The Stars (I'm a super fan, don't judge me ;P) and once Derek Hough choreographed this dance where he danced in a box that was slowly spinning around. It was pretty cool seeing his look like he was climbing the walls and hanging upside down. And that's exactly what I thought about when I read that last scene. I could totally see her hanging onto that sink and freaking out as everything fell apart. I commend you on your awesome imagery.
There really isn't anything else I have to say about this part of the chapter. It's nice to see how the girl is dealing with everything. First she was laying on a cot without any of her memories, now she's in some strange building and the floor is falling out from beneath her. Of course she's going to be pretty freaked out about it. And we knew that, but it's nice to actually see her freak out and get lost and everything. It's much better than just reading about it. Hooray for showing not telling!
Loss of memory is always a hard subject to write about. You as the writer know about your characters and their memories and what's going on with them. But us as the readers don't know any of that. And it must be killing you to not share any of your knowledge. Eh, who am I kidding? You're sitting there laughing at us for not knowing what's going on.
That's what I do for my novel >.>Okay, maybe only just laughing at me 'cause I'm not caught up yet. Anyways... you write about it very well. Again, I'm reminded of The Maze Runner because of how the characters don't know anything about who they are and what's going on. And just like James Dashner, you do a great job keeping us locked into the story and wanting to know what's going on. We're not annoyed by the lack of information, it actually keeps us reading.I'm really looking forward to reading more now! I can't wait to find out who these characters are and what's happening to them. I already know their names 'cause I'm so behind and you've changed the titles of your chapters from 'girl' and 'boy', but I don't know anything else about them. I want to know more! Tell me alllllll! Guess I'll just have to read on to figure everything out.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Oh, Noelle. :') Your reviews are amazing. Every time I read one, I smile - even if you're nitpicking me work. Thank you for attempting to catch up again, and it means even more to me because I know you don't have much time at all.
hehe Maybe I will eventually catch up to you. Who knows, right? When the moon turns to green cheese, I will have caught up. 
I'm baaack! And late, too.
I'm making this a habit, urgh.Happy Review Day!
Eh. I'm not very partial to the mental image this description created; it's more suited to something more solid, y'know? Whenever I picture sound--or sound waves--I see them as these fast rapids spinning through the air rather than gloopy fluids settling down on one another. 'Intermixing' made the description feel ... lethargic. It didn't convey the feeling of confusion and noise like it was supposed to. You're talking cacophony here, so think about how noise feels like to you. I picture waves crashing into one another, atoms mingling. 'Pile' and 'intermixing', especially, gave this bit a fluid-y feeling, so switch those words with something more airy, perhaps?
*gasps and points with horror* C--c--comma splice! Replace that comma with either a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so, etc.) or a semicolon.
~ Consider inserting the word in bold?
~ Alright, so let's talk about your beginning before I move on.
I'm reviewing as I read.While everything was really well-grounded and everything, and you took us through the setting at an even enough pace, I think the beginning didn't really let us connect with the narrator. The voice was strong, which is good, but it also came to me as a bit detached. No--not detached, but... It needs more subtle character movement. I'm quite able to look into Girl's mind and see her main actions--which is basically walking, in this paragraph--but I'm not able to connect with her movement. Does she feel strange, being surrounded by all these people? Is she nervous as she walks? Does she fidget with her dress? Are her hands clammy? I want to have a little more insight on the character as well as on the environment; you're fantastic with description, and all it really needs is a bit of balancing out. ^^~ I think the pacing near the beginning of the chapter was a leetle fast as well. The scene where she looks back, only to find that the auditorium has disappeared, could use a little work. It wasn't very clear and I completely failed to see how Girl reacted to it. Didn't she wonder how it happened? I'd imagine some mouth-dropping-open action at least. Also, some sensory description would be nice here. As a reader, I'm pretty curious as to how solid the wall was, what it felt like and looked like--clearer visuals are always lovely. And I'm pretty sure the girl must've been curious too, as to what the wall was made of and how it sprung up so suddenly--even if she was in a hurry.
~ Again, consider inserting the words in bold?
~ She saw her reflection in the wall? Were the walls, like, shiny and stuff? O_o Because you didn't really describe them as such and that threw me a bit off balance.
1] Cut out the 'almost'; it weakens the sentence. It makes you, the writer, seem uncertain, and also adds to the reader questioning: "Almost like? What was it closer to, then?" And that, too, in one of those fancy British accents that no-one actually has these days.
2] 'up' is also unnecessary. Cut it out to avoid the clutter.
3] Okay, so the 'whatever was still warm' was a pretty vague thing to allude to, I think. Maybe play with this a little? Try going for something like: "...chilling and blackening the little warmth that remained", maybe?
4] There's no need for what to crawl into your brain? The darkness? The chill? Specify. Also, I get what you're trying to convey to us, the readers, over here, but it could use some clarification. The way the narrator's thunk this, it sounds like a stated fact rather than an actual thought--maybe ease up on the detachedness by writing this as a thought, in italics? Something like: "There's no need for the cold to haunt my memory, I can't help but think crossly"; or something along those lines. Ooh! Also, since I always love looking into metaphors and such, I can't help but wonder why Girl's heart had such a lack of warmth. A lack of warmth is usually used to describe aloofness, or unkindness, while I think you meant to show us the narrator's loneliness and confusion? Is sanity warm, then? Is company warm? I might be overanalysing this but I think you could insert a better description here--like you always do! ^^
I love the creepiness you've built into this. It's just so ohmygosh. I'm a big fan of the whispering. I also hope the whispers are attached to something insanely scary because I love that sort of stuff. XD
~ 'The' isn't needed there. Also, since you've already mentioned the bathroom as being brightly lit, telling us that there was white light flooding the corners is unnecessary detail.
~ 'Fragrance' is generally taken to mean a nice smell--not a bad one--so telling us that it's not a bad smell is kind of ... redundant? I'd suggest you get rid of it. If you want to specify what exactly it smells like, though, you could just say it's seaberry air freshener and be done with it.
Yes, there is no such thing as seaberry air freshener.Another thing you could do is merge *this* sentence and the one following it together; in that case, it would read something like this:"A welcoming air freshener that reminds me of the sea, salty and stormy."
Ehm...
Why have you italicised 'loo' in places? It's almost like the narrator is repeating the word in her head--sarcastically--which struck me as odd because she used it with absolutely no scruples in the previous chapter. >.>
~ Spire doesn't really create the image of a sink in my head. That might be because this is what a spire looks like. So unless Girl wants to be impaled by the, erm ... spire-like sink, I'd suggest she try not to lean against it. XD You could still describe its base as a spire, if you want, but the sink in itself would be more like a palm cupping water and thingamajiggers. Think about it.
~ Against the 'tile'? I think 'tiled floor' would be more appropriate here. :3
My first reaction when I read this bit was HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS OH MY GOD. But I really enjoyed reading the way you wrote this; it was very visual and I liked that.
~ The comma before 'and' isn't needed.
This isn't needed either; you've told us the ceiling fades away to black, which is enough.
Guh. This. This is so intense I can't even.
Besides nitpickiness and other shtuff, I'll have to cling to what I've said in the previous chapters: You have a strong, settled narrative voice--the only issue is that it doesn't uniqueify the perspective. I've repeated this often enough, that male and female internal voices are generally pretty much the same, because they're both people. I do think, though, that there should be a clear dividing line between the male and female perspectives when you've used them together. The reader should be able to discern who's who. I liked how you gave the girl some kind of individual nature here but it could still use some work. I think she'd be more bothered about what she looks like? You could expand on that, maybe, and on her discomfort considering her holey prison garb. You're moving the plot fast enough, so maybe backtrack and explore character movement? I can see her interacting with her surroundings, yeah, but I can't see her interacting with herself. It's kind of like a circle? Your character's reacting to her surroundings and emotions with much more than simple action. I want to see her sweaty hands slipping on the mirror as she tries to hold on, cutting on the edges of the mirror, perhaps. I want to see her shield her face when the glass breaks. I want to feel her fear more clearly.
In simple words, actions and reactions are always balanced, yo.
An exercise you could use to help you as you write with a female perspective is to scrutinise pieces which are written from a female POV. Girls tend to pay more attention to colour, rather than shape. We're also pretty detail-oriented--although this isn't true for all girls, mind--and we worry about the way we look even when we insist that we don't. XD
Another thing you could try is to write a piece with absolutely no description concerning the surroundings--in a female POV. Just centre on the character. Ask yourself how she'd see things, how she's interpret everything around her. That would require a setting, yes, but it'd be based on observation rather than setting just for the sake of setting. I hope I'm making sense here. If I'm not, tell me!
Besides that, this was a very intriguing chapter plot-wise and I'm dying to know what happens next! I'll read through it now and leave a review later. ^^ Your descriptions are lovely, as usual, and your writing style is well-grounded. So keep up the wonderful work! Keep writing!
Stay squidiculous.
~Pomp
Oh, Dory Dory Dory. You are the best. <3<3<3 This review is so beautiful and so perfect and help me so much and gah. This review should be spotlight. Yes, it should. Proclaimed to the heavens. It helps me sooo much. I will work on everything you mentioned.
Everything.
Hey, Timmy! Ehem, no I did not forget about your novel... I totally didn't forget. However, I am here now and I am going to review it!
Story time! I grew very confused here! I thought she was talking about sea salts... then I wondered why she was talking about two people named Salty and Stormy. Ehem, I was staring at that for quite some time, wondering about the lack of capitalization. Yeah, I get the meaning now. It reminded her of the sea, which was salty and stormy. WAIT, she compared the walls to the seaside, last chapter I believe, and now she is reminded of the sea... WAS SHE RAISED BY THE SEA? Or, um, raised near the sea? How is she remembering that, anyway? I thought the girl's and the boy's memory was wiped. THIS BETTER BE A MAJOR PART OF THE BOOK. *coughs* Moving on...
She's so insistent on saying that the bathroom is a loo.
THIS BETTER BE A HINT FOR HER BEING RAISED NEAR THE SEA. *coughs again* She seems to love referencing things to the sea.
I love the chapter! Some things I would like to say, though. There seems to be a lot of dashes are in use (I may have said this before) but, fewer are in use than in the earlier chapters! I also love this character! She seems funny and mysterious.
Seriously, what's up with the sea?Also, A CLIFF HANGER, NOO! I'm going to have to read on now...In all seriousness this was a great chapter and I hope you keep on writing!
~Rae,
Thanks for this wonderful review, Rae. <3333333
hehe I love cliffhangers, but I promise I won't give them to you every time. Just most of the time. This review was very helpful, and I love reading them. <3
I am trying to catch up with the chapters - I hate being behind. So! I'm trying my best to give you good reviews while hurrying to find out what is happening! Eeeeek
Once again I am jumping into this. This meaning master piece!
This is contradictory. It may not see it at first but it actually does contradict itself. First, you say: "I can hear the multiple conversations", then you say: "impossible to understand". It is how it is written. The way it begins indicates to the reader she can understand them all. I was like, "Woah. Really?" but then you add on the next bit and I was like, "Whut?" so as you see...
I was once blondeit is slightly contradictory.Tiiiimmmmyyy D: this was the perfect time to explain a little more in depth. It was so vague, I couldn't really imagine what the arch looked like. Was it wooden? Did it have carvings in it? Did it look like a pretty nature pattern? Or an ancient language ir hieroglyphics? Tell, tell, tell! Describeee! The little details count.
Ooo. Good, good! I like. But what I don't get is the last part. "whatever was still warm"? I don't get that. Do you mean literally cold or do you mean something totally deep like she had a cold, unloving heart? Explain please :3
Hmmm... I am mulling this one over. She lost her memories not how to do things, her intuition. That natural instinct to follow directions is already instilled within us. Plus, she's a smart gal, otherwise she wouldn't be at this place. Right?
*dies of laughter*
You mean: tiles.
You teach me a new word everytime. Hmm... careening: to lean to one side, lie on it's side. Interesting.
o.o This is really scary. I wish you had gone into more depth in how Girl feels. I feel as if you need to slip in a little what is going on? Oh my god, why me? I am so terrified sort of thing in there. Obviously you can come up with something so *epic that it would blow my mind, but I just really, REALLY need to know. That emotion is what will spice up this dish of brilliance. Is she bewildered? Is she freaking out? Is she asking why me?
I am so tense :O
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING???
This chapter was beautifully written. I am still shaking. Wow. This "thing" that is happening is certainly taking me to a whole new level. I could imagine peressing myself again the sink as the room began to go crazy. I could feel the vibrations running through my hands, shaking my body. I could almost feel the sweat running down my face, and wanting to escape the weird happenings of the room. I was so flipping scared. Especially when it began. It was like I was living this - woah. I was gripping my phone so tightly. You really grabbed my attention. Well done!
SO MANY QUESTIONS.
You are too good, Timmy. You're awesome <333
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Thank you for your absolutely amazing review, Heather. I just, gah. You make me want to write more and more and more.
Oh, and you review crazy fast. xD <33333
You're welcome!!! Hee hee
that's what I'm here for!
xD well... I've been lazy lately so I need to do a Lotta reviewin'!
Hai Timmy!
As for her character, I don't feel like I am getting to know her much moral and value wise - but I am sure that comes later. For now I am happy enough just watching her actions and the way she is reacting to all that is being thrown at her.
Deanie here again, still struggling to catch up with all you have posted ^.^ Again, this was an interesting chapter. Not one that left me any less confused, but then again, I guess this is how it's supposed to be ^.^ I wonder what is going in Avery's mind. All these things are practically impossible and shouldn't really be happening to her anyways! So, I hope a plausible explanation comes to light soon because if we get too much of this craze style of things you might lose the reader in the bubble of confusion and not having any line to make sense of it all with. But I'm pretty sure you know all this, and are going to give us that lifeline soon
One thing I have noticed, thinking about this chapter, is that it is reminding me of Divergent. A lot. Seeing as I know you've seen the movie, I think you know what I am referring to when I mention the serum that will help them know which faction to choose? That impossible kind of realm of nothingness where they face all these trials and everything they say and choose matters? Yep, this is what this chapter looks like to me. I just hope that when she gets out of this weird place it has nothing to do with testing her capabilities and all because then it would be too... similar. And maybe you're heading a completely different way with this, or maybe it is going that way. Just be wary of the fact that they are sounding similar. If they are too similar you might want to change something somewhere along the lines. This is just my little red flag warning. *waves red flag*
As I mentioned briefly above, I don't feel like we're getting to know this girl much. I want something more :3 Something shows us a characteristic about her that tells us why we are following her over the other girls who were also trapped in that room. Apart from her and that American guy being the only two who spoke up I still don't know much about either of them and why they and why the should feel connected/importantish to the reader. I think you need to start bringing in traits like that soon, to feed us more than just their action and reactions to what is happening around them. So far the focus has been more on what is happening in the building, and the facts - no memory, no names, etc. But I want a little more inward focus. (Oh no, I don't think I am making sense anymore >.< Let me know if I'm not and I should explain it again sometime, properly).
Because of the rest of this sentence and the way it flows, I think it would be better if you removed the word 'it's'.
When she says that, I feel like she is coming to a whirlwind, her patience running out and her bubbling over into a mass of anger. Which means, I want to see her little eternal panic before she lashes out with her words. My *ahem* rough example which you should by no means use but this is what I'm talking about:
The voices speak(no need for an s here, by the way) words I can't understand, words jumbled together in an unrecognizable pattern. My eyes dart around, trying to find the source of the speakers but they seem to be coming from everywhere, which seems possible but possible at the same time. I strain my ears, trying to pick up words but all I get are broken phrases. They're too quiet and there are too many of them babbling in my ear at the same time and I can't hear think anymore and --
Then comes the scream. I think maybe I could've shortened that all by saying that having a bigger focus on the whispers and using lots of 'ands' to string together longer sentences helps add to the sense of panic. Technically it's what you're taught not to do when it comes to formal writing, but for creativity writing, rules bend, right?
Are you trying to tell me there is no ladies bathroom? So where are all those women in fancy dresses gonna pee? Huh?
Them. I feel like this sentence needs a them at the end to complete it.
Haha. This is funny, because there aren't really any positive memories in there too. Would she really want to have no memories, or have some positive ones even though they come with negative too? (This is not feedback, just me wondering and questioning this girls thoughts) xD
I don't have much to say beside this. I am going to keep reading and tackle that last chapter! Then I can be all caught up, yay :3 This is awesome, Timmy. You gotta keep working with it ^^
Deanie x
Thank you so much, Livvy. I will not tell you what kind of a test it is, but it is a test. There is no other way to do it, though. I have talked to people about it, and they have all told me that it isn't like Divergent when I explain the entire thing, but I will have to see what you say when we get to that point.
As for all those nitpicks and concerns, I will really, really work on that, and edit them allll... Thank you for being so awesome and sticking with me on this.
Heeeyeeeyyyy Timmy!
Cliffffhanger, man! That is one way to end the chapter with a bang. Well before I take this review from the end to the start,, let me go back to the beginning.
Okay, were this is in a normal novel setting, the flow between the one before this one and this one is phenomenal. It flows right from where you left off into a new scene. The use of imagery you use helps pair it with the wonderful setting you have.
The character does seem to question what're around her more than be surprised, like Artic said. It is not a bad thing really, just something that you should improve on.
So as I started this yesterday and never got back to it, I believe this is where k will end my review at.
Keep on writing Timmy,
Tulip.
Thanks for the review, Tulip! I am so, so sorry I haven't gotten to your book yet. The reviews will come soon. I just have a few requests from previous works I have yet to complete.
Its fine, Timmy/ take your time.
Whoah, what an ending! The description of the room shifting was pretty cool. I'm looking forward to seeing what she's about to discover. You really don't give anything away, do you?
I hope that we get to hear more of what’s going on, that normally happens when a secret room is found.
I have the strangest feeling that she was meant to find it, kind of spooky actually. Am I right (as you so often are about IF)?
This is definitely coming along nicely. There's a lot of mystery, but it's still come a long way at the same time. Something big seems on the horizon.
I didn't notice any errors, so I have very little else to say, I'm afraid. I have to admit, the point about run on sentences was valid. As you know, I'm known to do that too.
Can't wait to read the next chapter. Keep it up!
Goooood. I was concerned about the description of the shifting room, and I am glad it turned out okay.
Yes, everything is meant to be--but I will leave it at that. No spoilders!
I will work on the run-on sentences.
Okay. I saw 3.3! Read it, will review soon.
First things first, I believe that you could try and shorten some of your sentences. Sometimes they go on for too long and I get lost in what you are trying to say.
"Less stuffy and it’s quieter, although I can still hear the multiple conversations—all of them intermixing in one big pile of speech that’s impossible to understand."
*I noticed you use a lot of dashes in your sentences. I think this is a great way to mix it up, but you do it a lot and you might want to try reworking those sentences because it is noticeably repetitive.
"It’s dark and tight, so unlike the auditorium I find myself looking back, wishing I could return."
*so unlike the auditorium I find myself looking back AT, wishing . . .
"Everything seems to bear down on me, almost like little tendrils of darkness creeping up into my heart, chilling and blackening whatever was still warm"
*chilling and blackening whatever IS still warm . . .
"The walls starts shaking, ever so minutely at first but building to a deafening roar."
*You might be totally right, but I'm not so sure that "minutely" fits into this sentence. The definition is "with great attention to detail; meticulously"
You are clearly a very talented writer and have a large vocabulary! You are really good at not repeating words and you have great phrases. You are extremely descriptive, also. This story was very suspenseful and you did a great job explaining what was happening in great detail! Great job!
Thank you for this amazing review! I will work on the run-on sentences, and I appreciate the wonderful feedback.
Timmy!
CLIFFHANGER MUCH? Okay, so this part is the more exciting so far. Well, most action-packed, which is good, because I've kind of been waiting for a scene like this! You've done a good job in the novel so far in setting the scene and atmosphere and stuff, so this was a nice change to read. As usual, your writing style is really intriguing to read, so overall, good job!
Quick nitpick:
Right, now, improvements. Hmmmm, it's quite hard to say. This section was quite short, so there's not a whole lot to say. More on this whole feminine narrative thing, I think adding more of the character's thoughts will help this. Without sounding completely sexist to my own gender, I feel like with girls, they might sort of spend more time thinking about little details. With minimal of the MC's thoughts, it's hard to see that and how she feels.
Also, generally, I still think the MC needs to question her surroundings a bit more. You have shown her to be quite confused in previous chapters, but still, there just needs to be more questioning. For example, at first, they were really horrible and scary to her. Then that woman comes along and starts being all nice to her, so I'd expect the MC to be questioning that more. Being more aware of her surroundings rather than just accepting it.
A final note is that I think in your writing, you use a lot of short sentences. It's something that gives it it's unique style. However in this section, considering something quite abrupt and exciting happens, you need to highlight it with shorter sentences. Basically, if you have short sentences everywhere, it's not as effective. But if you use them more so in the ground shaking part, then it really builds up the tension and stuff. Also, this would be a point to include the MC's thoughts more.
Hope this helps, feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything. Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Thank you for this review, Arctic! I am trying to work on the female character, really I am. But I guess I dun have much female in me.
I will continue to work on it, and perhaps build up my skills in that as we go along. As usual, all of your nitpicks and comments are super helpful! Thank you for reviewing this; it helps a lot! 