Author's note: Okay, to be honest, I hesitated before posting this. I just have this feeling that it will come off as rather stupid and sappy. But I would really appreciate it, if somebody could tell me what exactly your thoughts were on it? Such as, do you think her reaction upon hearing her name was good? And do you think this is the right time for her to learn her name? That's something that I would particularly like to know. Thanks guys!
Running her hands over the brick walls of the house that had been her prison for scarcely a day, she crept alongside it, keeping an eye out for any passing person. One thing she was certain of was that nobody was going to help her. Least of all her family and friends. “I will do this on my own,” she whispered, her voice, that was usually so soft and gentle, turning hard with determination.
Peering around the corner, she stopped as she felt her heart nearly stop. Her friend… Reran, was sitting on the steps of the house directly across from where she was, facing her way. Though his face was thrown into shadow, she could still make out his grey eyes, gleaming in the fading light. Pulling back, she tried to determine if he had seen her or not. He couldn't have, she thought. It’s too dark and even if he did see that someone is here… he wouldn't be able to make out who it was. Right?
Turning the thought over and over in her head, she pulled back some more and turned around. “Best to just go the other way, and avoid him entirely,” she muttered.
Fumbling with her clothes, she tried to still the shaking of her hands as she moved quietly backwards, her body gradually being engulfed into the shadows. Creeping along slowly, she tried to blend her body into the deepening dusky evening as she went. Looking down at the ground, she watched as she placed one foot after the other, making sure that each was as softly placed as the last. The soft dirt that she walked on made it easier to be quieter about, but she knew that one sound and he would know that somebody was there.
With almost a shudder, she remembered how well he could hear. And how well he could see in the dark. Placing her right foot in front, she rounded the last corner of the house that would lead to the front of the street, and came face to face with him.
“You.” She took a step backwards, away from him and pressing up against the brick wall.
“Rona,” he said. “What are you doing? Brushing his shock of black hair out of his eyes, he came forward and took her by the shoulders.
Feeling the pressure of his hands on her shoulders, she jerked back and pushed him away. “Rona? Rona!” she shouted. “That is my name? I've been living in a prison for two months and nobody would even bother to tell me who I am, until now?” She shoved at his chest, making him stumble backwards slightly. “Why didn't you try and stop them!” she screamed in his face. “Why didn't you at least try?”
Instead of growing angry, he stared at her—studying her face as if it was the only thing that mattered in the whole world. “I-I-couldn't, Rona .”
Pushing her golden hair away from her hot cheeks in an attempt to calm herself, she stared at him. Tears streaming down her cheeks, her silvery eyes almost glowed with anger. “Why?”
“Rona…” he said, his voice turning almost gentle. “You need to understand what I’m trying to say. Your mother told me to not interfere when they came for you, alright? I can’t explain anymore or else I will be going against what she made me promise, but please try to understand what I did. I would have only made it worse, if I had tried to stop them. “
The words falling on her ears felt hollow and superficial, but as she ran them through her mind over and over again, repeating them slowly to herself, she began to grasp their meaning and understand what he was trying to say. The anger that she felt towards him slowly faded away and was replaced with a dull ache. He was following the wishes of my mother. Nothing else. I cannot blame him. But I wish he would have told me.
Rubbing her face in frustration, she shoved him aside and walked past him. “I’m leaving now,” she muttered, as she went past.
“Wait, what?” he exclaimed. He moved forward quickly and stood directly in her path, separating her from the road ahead that they both knew led directly to main gate. “Where are you going, Rona?”
“I’m leaving this place,” she said dully. “If I stay I will remain in prison, and then get shipped off to the king and later to be executed. For something that I either can’t remember, or didn’t know was wrong. Or perhaps I didn't do it at all.” Looking up, she stared into his eyes fearfully. “I have to do this. It’s the only way for me to survive. Please, Reran. Let me go.”
“You can’t survive out there alone,” he muttered, almost to himself.
“I can take care of myself just fine, Reran,” she answered, a smile halfway creeping across her face.
He grimaced and looked down at the ground. “Are you waiting till dark to leave?”
She looked around, trying to see into the dusky evening. “I don’t know. What do you think I should do?” she asked.
Biting his lip, he glanced around taking in all their surroundings like she had just done. “Wait a little longer,” he said. “But I don’t want you to leave.”
Scowling, she turned on him. “I know. But I have to do this. I won’t be able to live if I don’t.”
Taking her arm and pulling her back behind the house, he stood reclining against the wall, studying her. She almost felt it was as if he was trying to memorize her face, which maybe he was trying to do. There were always times, when even she couldn't see or feel what was going on inside his head.
“Where will you go?” he asked softly.
“To the Forest,” she whispered. “They won’t follow me there.”
“What?” he exclaimed. “No, you are not! I forbid it, Rona.” Stepping forward, he grabbed her shoulders and shook her, almost to the point of her head feeling jumbled. “Do not go there. You hear me?”
“It’s rather hard to understand or hear you, when you’re shaking me,” she replied, her voice shaking.
He stopped shaking her, but didn't let go of her shoulders. “Sorry, but you can’t go there, okay?”
“Reran, there is no place on this earth that they won’t follow me to, except those woods.”
“Perhaps, but you won’t be able to live there,” he replied shortly.
“I will do just fine,” she answered, just as shortly.
He shook his head, and let go of her. He glanced up at the sky and pointed to a constellation. “See those stars? Can you remember what your godmother used to tell us, when we were small?”
Rona stepped forward out of the cover of the house, and peered up at the sky. Finding the constellation that he was pointing at, she smiled. “Yes, she said that each constellation had a story to tell. That one told the story about a woman who had found favor with a god, but the god’s wife didn’t approve of it. And the woman and her son got turned into bears, by the goddess.”
“Very good,” Reran said, nodding. “Can you remember what she said after that?”
Shaking her head, Rona turned away. “What do all these questions lead up to?”
“Just answer me, Rona.”
“She said that all of us would one day become part of the stars. That we would have our own little history to fulfill and nourish, “she answered, her voice turning slightly irritated. "It was just Grandma trying to teach us some history, though..."
“When you’re out there, Rona,” he began, his face becoming deadly serious, “try to remember what you really are and what your goals are. You are what you make yourself, not what everyone says you are. So fulfill that history, make it something good, and don’t listen to them.”
“Are you giving me a speech, Reran?” she asked. Her mouth spread in a mischievous smile, and he laughed.
“No, I’m making sure you’ll have a clear goal when you leave,” he replied. “And it’s time for you to go now. They closed the main gate five minutes ago.”
Staring down at the ground, she whispered, “I’ll miss you, Reran.”
He smiled, his boyish face lighting up. “Don’t worry. We’ll see each other soon. Just keep going, and take care of yourself, Rona.”
“Thank you for telling me my name,” she whispered again, hoarsely. “Good-bye."
Lifting her hand in a gesture of farewell, she slipped away into the shadows towards the next house. Moving swiftly, she crept alongside the wall of the next house and putting her hands on the wall, she moved steadily around the back until she was facing the front of the street. Looking back, she could see Reran’s figure standing there, watching her as she walked away. I’ll never see him again, she thought.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hi Therese!
I know I am a bit behind in reading and reviewing this novel, but I am getting to it when I can! I think this review is going to be short and sweet because I really can't pick out anything in it that needs taking out which hasn't already been mentioned by your wonderful and previous reviewers. So I will do the best I can, but this will be short.
First off, I CAN'T BELIEVE Reran isn't going with her! After all he did to her and practically abandoned her (even if he has his reasons) he is still leaving her to fend for herself here as well! I couldn't believe it and it sort of frustrated me as well. So far, we haven't got the best impression of Reran when it comes to being a friend, even if he did have his reasons for his previous fault. I feel like she should get angry at him once again or something. And I would completely say that this chapter is not dumb and sappy in any way. Her emotional surge is justified and well within reason, and you don't focus on it too long at all...
speaking of the emotional surge of anger, though, I feel like it didn't last too long. It erupted suddenly which is good, anger is like that. But then it died down all too quickly as well and it made me wonder how sincere Rona had been from the beginning (nice name! Well about time we learned it) and I think we should've seen more of that anger. Or that the anger takes a longer time to simmer down.
Another thing I noticed was that as they were speaking, or shouting at each other or even being shaken, they don't seem to be being too discrete. I mean, aren't they right outside her cell? I would've thought that they would've at least gotten her to a safer distance of the place. And what was Reran doing out there at night just sitting around anyway? Sounds a bit creepy to me...
Y'know how I mentioned you working on setting? Well, here is the perfect place to start doing so! I felt like this part could've shown us what she could see on the street instead of people who generally aren't there. I want to know if this is a rich or poor neighbourhood and we're only going to get that through her looking down at the pavement, or to know what the houses look like as she tilts her head upwards.
That's it from me! I told you this was quick
Deanie x
Hey Therese! I noticed you tagged me in this; I haven’t read any other chapter, so I’m just going off of what I see here. Correct me if I’m wrong on anything.
The first paragraph was a bit of a mouth full. I suggest breaking these descriptions into shorter sentences—not only will they bring variety to the sentence structure, but it’ll be easier for us to read. I do like the “least of all…” bit because it is shorter and it does give me an idea of her situation, but why won’t they help her? Even if it is explained in past chapters, at least give us a brief explanation here as a reminder.
The redundancy stuck out like a sore thumb here. If anything, try /showing/ us how her heart felt when it nearly stopped, instead of saying it just nearly stopped. That will give us more to feel, and when you go back to revise, make her heart nearly stopping as real as possible. I also think it’d be best to use a different word than “she stopped.” It’s vague, and it could mean a number of things. She could’ve just paused, or she could’ve abruptly halted. It’s those little descriptions that reveal more of what she’s feeling, or what the situation entails.
In that same paragraph, take out the ellipses. The first one is extremely unnecessary—why do you have to pause before introducing that character? Especially in a situation where she’s trying to escape something; it just doesn’t feel right to take that pause. It’s up to you, but I still think it wasn’t needed.
Another redundant sentence. *gasp* I also want to point out that this entire paragraph was filled with what felt like forced descriptions. If she’s walking backwards into the darkness she had just been in, that darkness wouldn’t “gradually” engulf her, would it? That would be like saying a space ship [sucky example, but you’ll see] was slowly covering the moon, gradually bathing the town, but it didn’t become dark altogether instantly. But if this character was backing into darkness, it wouldn’t gradually engulf her. It would quickly cover her. Make sense? I just felt that was forced, because it didn’t really make sense. I suggest just going back through those descriptions with a fine toothed comb and determining which ones are really necessary to the scene, and which ones are just there for fluff, etc. ^.^
I also think you start too many sentence with “….-ing the blah blah, she blah-ed etc.” Mix up these sentences with “She ran her hands over the bricks wall of the house; the rough surface pricked at her skin,” etc. I think it just adds to the story and mixes up your sentence structure if you try doing that.
This paragraph seems strangely written. This makes me think she knows he is going to hear her, since you tell us she remembers how well he can. And then, like that, she comes face to face with him. It’s an odd moment to foreshadow, almost as if those descriptions should come after “and came face to face with him.” That order makes a little more sense to me, and it doesn’t make me guess she can look into the very immediate future. xD
Take a look at your commas, also. There are some unnecessary pauses in a few of the sentences, such as the one that follows the paragraph where he finds her. Just little revision tips if you do go back to fix anything. A few of the sentences feel weighed down with these commas, plus actions that appear unnecessary/could be shortened. I’d reword the sentence like this for a neater, clean cut structure.
“You.” She took a step back, pressing herself up against the
scratchybrick wall.It’s not the best edit, but I think the way the verbs are written here fit better than what you used before. It’s up to you, of course, as to what you want to use. I just threw in an adjective for more description, if you want to.
The characterization is a little odd too.
Eh, do people really brush hair out of their eyes before grabbing someone by the shoulders? This guy must either be self-centered [gotta fix my hair, bruh] or his hair is just reallyyyy long that he can’t do anything without pushing it out of his face. Take the bit about him brushing his hair out of his eyes out and get down to the real action. There are too many layers of unnecessary wording that almost seem to slow down the actual scene. This is only how I view it; someone else could like it and that’s perfectly fine.
CONTINUITY! (lol, if you watch arglefumph on YouTube). If her back was pressed against the brick wall, how could she back out of his grip, and then push him away? She would actually slide down out of his grip, kick his legs out from under him, or if we don’t want to be that violent, writhe out of his grip and then push him away. But not backing out
I also think her reaction was a little random. There was no progression to her reaction, she just reacted. Especially the part in which she screams into his face. Isn’t she trying to escape from the prison quietly? Won’t others hear her [such as guards?] and come take her away? The emotions seem a little unrealistic, but I suppose this works well for characterization. I might understand her reaction more if I had read previous chapters, but I didn’t…so correct me when I say her reaction should have been more built up.
The next sentence seems very oddly placed in the story.
Eh, sappy. Sappy. Sappy. It almost feels too dramatic to be realistic. You have to have some element of realism here, and this sudden description of her face being the only thing mattered says nothing else is really going on—and nothing else is[ going on. There’s no one else surrounding them, they’re completely alone; the only conflict is her getting all angry about nobody telling her what her name is. So saying he looked at her as if she was the only thing that mattered doesn’t make sense in this situation. It also seems thrown in randomly. If you want to get sappy [hey, sappiness is cool] then at least build up to it.
It feels a little cliché in the following paragraphs. “please understand, even though I can’t tell you anything” has been used many many times, and if I were the one telling somebody that, even I wouldn’t believe myself. Work on making that situation unique, because it feels so overrated, honestly.
The following dialogue could be touched up on. And what really bothers me is that they’re in a prison area, right? If so, then why are there no guards patrolling the area? It feels so unrealistic because they’re just having this fight, screaming, then smiling and conversing freely without any fear. If I were in the situation (us readers are supposed to put ourselves in the story, right?) I’d be quiet and quick, exchanging few words because a prison is usually guarded to the point where you can’t have dramatic and then easy conversations without getting caught and taken back. You can’t just pause that to allow these characters to converse, because then it wouldn’t feel realistic.
I’m going to the read the next part, but this dialogue felt…pointless…especially when taking up an entire part of a chapter. Maybe it’s because it didn’t feel realistic enough? I feel like you’re trying to create some romantic tension between the two, and though I’m no expert on romantic stories, I could easily identify where you were trying to lay down that element. I would recommend weaving that into the story, making it more hidden, instead of shining out.
Exhibit A:
You could almost use this information in the chapter, but the way you’ve written it makes it stick out so…awkwardly? Go over this and clean it up—it’s a little too chunky. What does it mean when she says “even she couldn’t see or feel what was going on inside his head?” Does that mean he’s so hard to figure out that even this girl (who you haven’t proved as special to me in this chapter part) couldn’t figure it out? Why is this? And how would she know he’s trying to memorize her face? Unless she was truly set on believe he really liked her romantically, she probably wouldn’t have come to that conclusion (or assumed it, anyhow). Just a few more things that felt a little forced.
I do like romantic tension though. It’s my favorite! xD But I want you to give us a little bit, just a little wittle bit, to keep us wanting more of that. But correct me if I’m assuming too early that there’s any romance at all.
So remember this: action first, descriptions second. Don’t take so much time to describe every little movement, it slows down what’s actually happened. Make him grab her shoulders, let her name sink in and then allow her to react a little by little.
All while remembering guards are out and about
I hope I helped in any way, Therese! I really liked the characters, but shave them down so they’re truly believable and realistic. I’m excited to dig into 5.2, and maybe if I have time I’ll go back and read 1-4. It’s a pretty interesting premise from what I’ve seen here.
If you need anything (even though I’m still on hiatus >.>), just let me know
~Writer~
So odd to see this.
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Thanks, Graaace! Whooah, this is typical Grace review. ^^
Omigosh, I soo totally need to work on my redundancy. I need to really proof-read before posting when it comes to that, don't I? xD Thanks for pointing those parts out; I had no idea I was soo bad when it came to that.
Yes, she is trying to escape quietly. Why on earth I had her scream... I just don't why I did that. I will take that out, and make her reaction a bit calmer. xD
yeah, she's totally not trying to be quiet, and all of a sudden she breaks out screaming. No, I really didn't do that*coughcough* I haven't decided about the romance. I'm not entirely sure if I'm one to write in that genre, but... I guess I'll have to make up my mind somedaaay.
Thank you for veeery thorough review! I will remember to work on my redundancy, and actions before description. Yes, I will work on it. Thank youuuu <3
Heya, your incredibly intelligent sister here for a review.
I'm going to here about that later, aren't I.Well, anyways, let's see what horrible mistakes you made.
Um, sis? Softly, and soft?
I thought she was sneaking. She seems to be being a little loud.
Looking at this, it almost seems like you should combine the two sentences. Also, more redundancy. Two cheeks. I'd suggest face instead of the second one.
Well, I am disappointed. I didn't find enough to tease you on, and this chapter isn't gushy. I don't know how you came up with that idea. It seems like just two friends talking, though something tells me that they aren't going to remain friends. I don't think this would have bothered you if they were just friends.
I like Rona's name. Even though it means little seal.
Well, that's all I could find, and I'm out of time. Keep writing!
YES, YOU WILL HEAR ABOUT IT. BUT NOT JUST YET.
Hmm, redundancy agaaain? I will edit that.
*cough* Yes, I think maybe she should be quieter. Like maybe I shouldn't have her screaming so much. Yes, good idea, my most intelligent sister.
AHEM, I can't make up my mind if they are going to remain friends or not.
You think I should kill him off in the end?Thanks for the review, my most intelligent sister! Fine, fine, I'll return the favor veery soon.
You'd better.
Hi there!
) He knows that he can't tell Rona everything, but he's trying to find every loophole he can to make sure she understands how important the situation is.
I totally do not think that this is sappy in any way. It's two friends who have known each other for a while talking about what's happening. And unfortunately for Reran, his friend is leaving him. Of course he's going to be upset and try to convince her to stay. The part that really makes this part of the chapter work is that Reran knows a lot. I don't want to say he knows everything because I'm not sure he does, but he does know what Rona's mom told him. (l o v e the name Rona by the way
The part where she learns her name is done well. She can't remember her name so of course she's going to be super excited about finding it out. She's been desperate for it for days now (days, yes?) so when she finally gets the information, it's like sweet victory. I do want to nitpick a bit on one piece of her dialogue though:
It just doesn't seem realistic to me. It's like she's just telling us everything that's happened to her, things we already know. Granted, Reran doesn't know them, but there's a better way to write it than to just list things.
I feel like this is so mean, I'm so sorry. Dang, assertiveness is just not my thingReword it a bit. I'm personally not a big fan of 'that is' or 'it is' in dialogue because people don't really talk like that. They use the conjunctions: that's and it's. If you changed it to "That's my name?" it would sound a lot less formal and more realistic. Now, the sentence after that just lists what has happened to her in the past months (months?? o.o I must've missed something considering I thought it was only days...). Instead, think of another way you can word it. How about something like, "No one in that prison would tell me anything. Much less my name". Obviously word it like you would, but you get my point, yeah? Right now it's too wordy. And then you can lead it right into the conversation of what Reran knows about her being in the prison.Overall I really like this. It's cool to see Rona back with her friend and free from that prison. I feel like the real adventure is about to begin. Where's she going to go from now? What will happen to Reran? I totally think that he's going to follow her by the way. He seems to care way too much for her. I'm also looking forward to seeing these powers she has again.
I'm sorry I can't give you much of a review, but it's hard for me when there's something I really, really like. And I'm not just saying that. I can't wait to read more
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi, I'm new at reviewing so sorry if I say anything offensive or confusing. One thing I could not figure out was the relationship with Rona and Reran? He doesn't quite seem like a lover or brother, I know he's the one trying to keep her there and that she's been imprisoned for two months. But why hasn't she tried to escape sooner if its this easy? Why is he letting her escape now after having keep her here for so long? She seemed to fear him in the beginning but later showed no fear from his presence. Their relationship is what confused me most. Other things I have questions about I realize would be answered later on in the story, such as the reason she is a prisoner and the weird thing with her best friend. Also though I don't quite get the whole name thing. Yes her reaction made since, I would feel the same way if someone keep my name from me that long. But what made him finally tell her? What happened to her that made her forget? You suggest she has memory loss but nothing specific was said about that. Anyways sorry for making this review all over the place. I really enjoyed your story and it was really good for a start! Please continue writing it, I'd love to see how she fares in the woods and to learn more about her past.
Did not realize this wasn't the first part of your story! I'm going to go back and read the other parts. So ignore my questions that aren't relevant.
Hi! Thank you for reviewing!
Thank you so much!
I didn't find this offensive or confusing at all! This showed that you were considering all the aspects of my story, and I really appreciate that. Let me know if you have any questions after reading through my other chapters~
Hello, pretzelsing here for a review,
I really truly liked this chapter of your story. I have not been following your book or the general plot line events so I want you to know that I am jumping in the middle not knowing any context of what happened before.So please just bear with me.
Here are some nitpicking of general things that I didn't understand.
Please indent when you are doing a quotation, skip a line to make it look more visually and grammatical correct. Here is the place that I am referring to:
You need to put this on a new space.
I liked how you showed us her thoughts when she was escaping and saw Reran looking at her.
I personally don't think that the word thought fits in this sentence or quotation. It just pops out as being not italicized and you could put in your author's note that italics mean the character's thoughts, but that I think that this is very accepted to italicize your thoughts so you don't even need to explain yourself.
In your story, Rona didn't understand why Reran wasn't able to help her and I didn't really understand this this sentence:
She stopped blaming him just like that? It doesn't make sense. I would still in the place of Rona be mad, why couldn't he save her. Who does he love more, Rona or his mom?Rona gentleness and forgiveness seems too fake and unexpected. While reading this the first time I expected her to remain mad at him.
You seemed repetitive in these places:
I don't understand why Reran was shaking her and physically hurting her two times. I thought that he cared for Rona and didn't want her to leave.Also I don't understand why Reran consented for her to go. I don't understand why he would so easily give up and let her go. I truly don't see the transition from insisting that she stays to letting her go and telling her that the gate closes in five minutes.
That sums up my review and I really like your last sentence.It makes me wonder what will happen next. I hope that this review helps and keep on writing. You have a true talent ThereseCricket.
-pretzelsing
Thank you so much for reviewing this for me!
Ahh, I see what you mean by not understanding why he would consent to her going so suddenly. I will try and build some tension into it when I rewrite this. Maybe she could go without his consent, maybe? Hmm, I think it might be an idea, if I can make it work.
With him physically hurting her twice, I will have to say that you are 100% right with that. I shouldn't have put it in two separate parts where he takes her by shoulders, ect..., I will edit that out in the future.
Thank you so much reviewing, and I will be sure to return the favor and review your novel. Thank you so much. <3
Just checked that I reviewed this also, so I am good with this chapter
sorry that I was going backwards,I just wanted to start at the beginningnice language
Thank you!