Author's note: Sorry, this is so short. I can't seem to make it any longer, no matter how I tried. Thanks guys!
Grimacing in pain as she walked, she pulled slightly on the iron shackles that covered her wrists. The men that had previously come to question her, walked behind her, occasionally prodding her in the back to make her move faster.
As she went, she searched frantically for a memory. Anything that would so much as hint to what her name could be. But there was nothing still. It was as if something had taken and sifted through her memories, and removed the ones that contained the necessary information and then placed them back without her ever noticing.
Stumbling slightly forward, she hit her foot against a stone lying in the middle of the street. Wincing as she continued moving, she looked down to see that blood was now inlayed in her tracks. Must have cut the bottom of my foot, she thought. I can’t feel anything though… But she knew it was no use to say anything about it. The men that were behind her, had faces as if chiseled from stone. Even their voices reminded her of stone. She wasn’t going to get sympathy from anybody, least of all them.
Looking up, she could see very few people around. A few days previous, she could remember sitting on a chair talking to Reran, people milling about everywhere. They would be talking and laughing, not even thinking that she was somehow not what they thought.
But now—even the atmosphere of her native village had seemed to change. Even the very smell was different to her. Perhaps it’s coming from the river, she thought. Then she shook her head. There wasn’t anything different about the smell of the air. It was the feel of everything around her that made her think that the smell of her home was different.
Looking up ahead, she could see that they were bringing her close to the biggest house in the village. Staring up at its big windows, she shivered in remembering that there was once a time when she would climb up the ladders that had once been prompted against the tall beams, and jump across to the next house that was directly beside it. Every house was in directly next to each other, but this one stood out most for its size and the fact that it was in the almost direct center of the village. Who lived there though, she did not know.
Turning around, she motioned to the house as best she could with her shackled hands. “Why have you brought me here? Nobody has ever come out of this house before.”
The taller man raised his eyebrow and brushed his wavy brown hair out of his face. “Perhaps that is what you think. Move along.” Prodding her in the back, he pushed her forward, towards one of the side doors.
“Wait a moment!” she cried, pushing back as he prodded her. “What are you going to do to me here?”
“That isn’t for you to find out right now,” he snapped back at her. Grabbing her arm, he wrenched her towards the door. Throwing the door open, he tossed her inside—as if she were a sack of potatoes—and slammed it shut.
Flying face ward to the ground, she threw her tied hands in front of her face. It turned out to not be a good decision. As she hit the concrete floor, her elbows slammed into the hard rock and a hot bolt of pain went up her left arm. The urge to cry out in agony came, but she didn’t let it happen. Those men are still out there, she thought hazily, through the pain. They shouldn’t have the satisfaction of knowing that they’ve caused me any measure of suffering.
Twisting around on her back and sitting up, she hugged her arm and elbow against her stomach, swallowing the tears that were already starting to well up.
Looking through blurry eyes, she glanced at her surroundings. Besides the fact that everything was much neater and cleaner than her last cell—which was a prison for any person who had done something against the law—it looked very much the same. A cot and a bench was all the furniture that was there.
Wincing inwardly, she stood up and still holding her elbow against her stomach she walked over to the cot. “No blanket or anything,” she muttered, “but still a bed, nonetheless.”
Lying down, she curled her body into a ball with a protective circle around her injured elbow, and slipped in and out of sleep for some time. How long she did not know. When she would awoke, from what it seemed hours of sleep, she found that through her window she couldn’t see the sun.
She could remember her grandmother pointing at the different positions of the sun, and showing her how to tell the time from it. Running through the memory, she tried to find one instance where her grandmother called her by name. But it wasn’t there still. Nothing was visible in her mind that would help her remember that one word that she knew must so easily come to the minds of her family and friends now.
“If they even speak about me still though,” she said bitterly. A single tear slipped out of her eye and down her cheek, at the thought. “I wonder if Reran thinks about me,” she said, her voice now dropped to a faint whisper. “It has been three weeks since I’ve seen him last.”
As the memories of her old friend, began to bring more tears to her eyes, the last few spots of light that had been present in her room disappeared, and the room was in almost absolute darkness.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Heya ThereseCricket, pretzelsing here for a review.
no I won't comment on the shortness-since that is how you like itLet's begin,shall we?
This was a personal preference but I feel like the phrase: "But there was still nothing" would sound better and flow better. I suggest that you read the sentence both of these ways and then just see which one sounds better for you.
Another personal preference but I think that you could use a hyphen to connect these two related words. face-ward Doesn't that just look better?
She didn't have to say anything,did she? Weren't the men right behind? I presume that of course they had to see the trail of blood.
Ummm,Therese, stones don't have voice
Maybe you could describe some of the smells? What did she actually smell?
Okay so the two italicized words in that sentence are "directly" and you really don't need the first one there,because it gets a tad repetitive. Also that preposition "in" isn't needed there. ^_^
Okay,now that were more of inconsistencies than general.Now let's move on to that. I don't really relate to or understand Rona's concern that she worries that she might be forgotten. If she has loved ones(which she obviously does) then they will probably never ever forget her(especially not Reran-her close friend) but keep her in their thoughts and minds.At least that's what I think.<,<
Why does she care what time it is by looking at the sun? Is ti just to grasp at straws of memories or because she wants to know? Also in this quote:
How did she count? Did she do it in her head or maybe did she mark them somewhere in her older prison? I am curious as to her way of recording time
Just another question, after the sleeping time in the bed in her bunk,did she feel refreshed? Did she wake up not feeling tired anymore? I am wondering because from my experience a ten minute nap could be enough or sometimes a couple hour sleep still leaves you tiiired.>,<
What is the instance here?
Anyways, that's it from me,my mom is calling me so I got to go.Hope that this helps and if you have any questions then feel to reply.
Hi there!
First off, don't ever apologize for your chapters being too short. Or too long for that matter. You're the one writing the story. If the chapter needs to be short, it'll be short. If it needs to be long, it'll be long. Do whatever works for the story
I feel like this sentence is backwards. Wouldn't she be grimacing after tugging on the shackles? Because they're hurting her? Or at least mention that it's the pain, or whatever it is, that's making her grimace. Right now it's kind of random that she's grimacing.
I feel like she glazes over trying to think of her name a bit. It's like, she tried to find her name in memories, fails, and gives up. Wouldn't she try harder after she can't find it? If it were me, I'd be more desperate. Think about it. She can't remember her name, one of the most important things that you need to know. I just think she would give it a bit more attention.
One thing that's really cool about your writing is that you always know when to put things into the story. Like the information about her village. I might just be forgetting, but I'm pretty sure we haven't learned much about where she lives. Now we're getting all that information because she's thinking about it. She's thinking about how much everything has changed and how it's all different, which then tells us how it was on a normal day. The same thing goes for her name. She didn't really think about not knowing it until she had to think about not knowing it. I like that
Man, these guys are super mean, aren't they?
Poor girl. She has no idea what her name is, why these men have essentially kidnapped her, and now she's missing her friend. I definitely feel bad for her, which means you've succeeded! Of course you want us to feel bad for her. How can we not? The best way to do that always is to showing instead of telling. And that's exactly what you've done here. You're showing us her pain, showing us her thoughts, showing us her emotions. Very nice.
I'm a bit curious as to why the men aren't talking as they lead her through the village. I feel like they'd be having some mysterious conversation or something as they walk along. Also, you could use that as a way for the girl to eavesdrop and make her own assumptions, if you want to do it that way. It just seems a bit strange to have all of them walking though the village in complete silence.
Overall a nice chapter here. I can see why this one is on the shorter side. I have no idea how you would've made this any longer either. It's the perfect length and works well as a transition chapter. After this I'm sure we'll start figuring out things like her name and why she had been captured. Or you just might withhold that information from us because you're super mean ;P This chapter really seems like the beginning of things. Like, now she's getting into whatever kind of mess that she's going to have to fight her way out of later. It'll be interesting to see what happens from here.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you for the review, Noelle!
I really appreciate it.
Ahh, I see what you mean with that sentence and I'll definitely fix that when editing.
And yes, I totally agree with what you're saying with how the men should be talking. That is a great idea; I never even thought that they would be conversing while going through the town. Thank you for mentioning that. I wouldn't have ever even considered something like that. xD
Thank you continuing with this!
Thank you for the review, Noelle!
I really appreciate it.
Ahh, I see what you mean with that sentence and I'll definitely fix that when editing.
And yes, I totally agree with what you're saying with how the men should be talking. That is a great idea; I never even thought that they would be conversing while going through the town. Thank you for mentioning that. I wouldn't have ever even considered something like that. xD
Thank you continuing with this!
This is a cool piece, your setting has a very interesting feel that you've conveyed clearly to all of us. You already have some great suggestions so I'll be brief and some of my own are my opinion so if you don't change it then your work will still be as fabulous as ever.
1. There are some instances of unnecessary punctuation (mostly commas) that I fell if removed could have your piece flow better. The best thing for this is to read everything out loud exactly how you want it to sound and when you pause or stop, you will know when to add punctuation.
2. I highly agree that there are some repetitive words in your sentences that almost seem distracting. Again the best example of this is your use of the word stone (which I'm sure your tired of hearing about).
3. Here is just a note about how to give good impact to any writing you ever do. Choose carefully when it is good to be wordy and when it is good to be not. Sometimes a longer sentence draws away from it's interest, and sometimes a shorter sentence lacks impact
I just had a feeling that when you continue on with your story and the plot really thickens, then you might find that tip useful.
Other than that I have nothing to say. Great story, great concept, great structure and of course a great author!
Thank you so much!
Yes, I totally see what you mean by the redundant words that I sometimes use. I will work on that and try and be more careful in the future. And on how wordy I was being... I get what you mean. I will need to study out how to write my sentences for this story. I've always found that it's best to have a clearish sort of style with different stories, so I will need to find out what it is for this one.
Thank you so much reading and reviewing and also for being punctual! Let me know if you need anything.
Hello, Therese, dearest! Sorry I didn't review this for Review Day. I was out all day.
Anyway... I'm here now to find out about our lovely MC who is facing a very dark day indeed. Bring chained up like some filthy prisoner, not being able to remember. This story has it all! The tension, the mystery... I'm intrigued. Both you and your brother know how to get a reader hooked!
Umm... it hurts to walk (obviously her legs or feet are hurting) and yet you say her wrists were chained up. So, are her feet? Or is she just tired of walking? Sorry if I be a little bit picky, just wanna try to give you a top notch review
You can get rid of one set if commas here easily. Like so: "The men that had previously come to question her were walking behind her, occasionally prodding her in the back to make her move faster."
These guys are really mean. Pffft. I'd give them a right smack if I was that kind of person. I mean, she cannot help it of she is finding it hard to walk. If you put that she was resisting and purposefully not walking fast, then sure, but in this situation they seem really cruel.
I know Deanie has already commented on this one, but it makes curious. Why would who ever has taken her memories and changed them not let her have her name? If they placed them back alter and whatnot, why not give her just her name? Would her name bring back important memories or what? I was so curious by this. I've just watched Maze Runner and loved it to pieces, and WCKD gave Tom his name. So why not the MC's? I'm sure you'll have a brilliant explanation for us and I cannot wait to find out this revelation.
Stupid, I know, but... Is she wearing shoes? Or sandals? Just curious, because this could explain why she was walking slow. I mean, on a sandy beach, people lurrrve to walk across the sand. But on a pebbled beach, we most likely wouldn't take off our shoes. So this little explain just shows that if the MC has no shoes on and has cut her foot on a stone, then these guards (or whoever they are) are awful, AWFUL people. But... We don't know if she's wearing shoes, sandals or nothing on her feet, so it leaves us wondering how she cut her foot on that stone.
She jumped from house to house? Woah. And why would she do this anyway? Does she have some sort of death wish? Plus, does she jump from roof to roof? It was a little unclear what you were trying to say.
I think the "in" after "was" is a bit pointless in this sentence. It just disrupts the flow a little.
I think that is all. Deanie covered most of it
Congrats on it getting featured too :3 hopefully it'll still be featured when you come on!
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Oh, sorry I didn't reply sooner! Just saw this...
This whole memory thing with her is going to be difficult to work out, but I think I have it mostly worked out. Sooo I hope it's explained later on, at least I hope it turns out right. I just signed up for NaNo and this is the novel that I'm doing, so I can't guarantee that this is gonna be perfect.
Thank you so much for reviewing this and please tell me if you need anything reviewed!
It's fine, Therese!
My work that I am working on is actually called Anomaly and I've posted three parts of the first chapter on here if you could possibly review them for me please? 
That's great! -^^- I'm doing NaNo too
You're welcome <3 Just ask, and I'll review any others of yours!
It's fine, Therese!
My work that I am working on is actually called Anomaly and I've posted three parts of the first chapter on here if you could possibly review them for me please? 
That's great! -^^- I'm doing NaNo too
You're welcome <3 Just ask, and I'll review any others of yours!
Hi Therese!
Happy review day!
Ooh I am back sooner than I expected I would be able to get to this. But I am glad I am able to ^.^ I was curious to see if we would get any more insight to her character or if the story would start to pick it. It doesn't matter if it is a short chapter, as well. As long as it is good quality! We are still kept in the dark, but I didn't mind too much. We got to see a bit about the world around her - now we know she is in a village. We also got to know that there is a big house no one ever comes out of and now she is in there herself. As well as that we got to see she is someone who can still take initiative even when they are in a scary situation because she asked questions, regardless as to whether or not she would be receiving any answers. That scores some points in my book
I feel like she should be a bit more hopeless. She doesn't know if she has committed this crime she is being punished for or not, so she can't even protest to her own innocence anymore. She must be terribly confused and now she has been thrown into a house where she has never seen anyone ever come out of. What is the likelihood of her being freed? Next to none by the sound of it, so I feel like her emotions need to reflect this a bit more. I think we did see a glimpse of this as she is thinking of her family and sheds some tears as the darkness engulfs her (which created beautiful imagery by the way. That was the perfect way to end this chapter ^.^) but I did want a bit more, as she is being led there and realizes where she will be going.
I don't think there is a need for the first comma you have there.
Hm, I think this sentence would sound better without the last unnecessary word. More powerful. I know people do use these words often in real life speech, but the trick is knowing when to use them in novel dialogue or not ^.^
I feel like we need a bit more of a visual on the village. I know the houses are smaller than the one I think she is being thrown into. And we know that there are villagers. But we don't know what they are doing. Are they gardening or driving or walking, wrapped up against the cold? Are the houses made of what material, do they have windows like stain glass or normal ones? I feel like I can't really see this world she is living in, and I don't understand her society yet. These are things you hint at, but you really need to dig deeper into. That way we can pull out your best descriptive language, and understand the setting where all this is taking place!
You mention someone by the name of Reran and that they are family, but are they brother or sister? That could be some useful information for us to know ^.^
That's all I have for you Therese. This story is definitely getting interesting, and I am very curious to know what crime they believe she has committed! The mystery is definitely swarming, and that makes the reader want to find out what's what! Keep up the writing and do let me know when you post again
Deanie x
Sorrry, about not replying to these sooner. Me baaad.
If you can't see the world that she lives in, then I knoow I need to work on this. So I will work on bringing in more descriptive detail. And I can't believe I completely skipped by how big her cell was! I was meaning that was being thrown into a room on the side of the house, but I see that I completely forgot to add that detail. I will work on that! Thanks, Livvy. 
She doesn't seem as helpless as she should, that is true. I think I need to work out her feelings, and maybe draw out a sketch. ^^ That sounds rather fun actually. xD
Yes, yessss, more description. My everlasting trial.
OMIGOSH, I can't believe I forgot to make it clear about Reran. He's her best friend. *facepalm* I can't believe I missed that. Thanks for telling me. Shh, maybe nobody else caught it.
Thank you so much, Livvvyy! <3333333333
"The men that were behind her, had faces as if chiseled from stone. Even their voices reminded her of stone." Replace one of the "stone" so there's no repetition.
I can't find any other nitpicks. That's probably because you're already a great writer!
I can tell you what I liked, though.
Of course, the plot is awesome. No need to make it longer. There's enough information in here for a chapter. However, if you still feel like it's too short, when you go back to edit this years later, you can add more.
"...the last few spots of light that had been present in her room disappeared, and the room was in almost absolute darkness." I especially lie this part. Nice work.
Overall, lovely chapter can't wait for more. As always, tag me when chapter 4 is up!
-M.P. Tigers
*Like this part. Sorry 'bout that.
Thank you for the review! Oh, that part with the repetition... *feels guilty* I was looking at that line before I'd posted, and I was "I don't think it's a problem." Now I see that it is. Thank you so much!
Yeah, I just kept getting this feeling that it was too short, but I knew that there must be a way of making it longer. Soo yeah, once I get the plot worked out I know I'll be able to make it longer. Thank you for talking about plot and how much information is in this! I really appreciate your reviews on this project of mine. They keep me going on this!
Let me know if you need a review on anything, and I'll be happy to oblige!