Author's note: I've had this idea for over four years, and have never even gotten past the 6th chapter. I stopped working on it over a year ago, and I'm just now restarting it. Please make any suggestions in terms of plot, and even title, if you can. I'm sorta stuck on those two spots right now. Also, corrections on grammar and the like would be SUPER. Thanks!
As a glowing light came over the horizon, a sleepy village lay nestled in a valley, unaware of the new day that was dawning.The birds weren’t awake in their nests that were placed high up on the now sunlit rooftops. Not a single bleat of a goat could be heard. Not even a cat had come out of its den.
The guards at the bottom of the gate surrounding the village stood, their heads buried deep within their chest in sleep.It was deadly quiet.
Except for the quiet hum of a girls voice. A beautiful one, with a soft lilt and vibrato to it.
The sun was making its way around the houses now, illuminating a small shack in the middle of the village. It began to shine through the small window in it; a girl peered in between the bars, as a tear slowly slid down her check, creating a brown track through her dirt streaked face.
“I didn’t think Nina or Reran would let them do this to me,” she whispered, looking down at her bloody hands.
Wincing as she sat back on her haunches she surveyed her quarters. A cot and a small bench was all they had given her. Nothing else, they had said, for the convicted one. If you die in here, while they make their way here, then it will be of little consequence.
Just thinking of those words, made the tears dry up and her teeth grit together in white hot anger. They don’t have the right to lock me up in here! She thought angrily. I can’t help any of this…
Her shoulders started to shake; she hit her face in the stone floor, and began to weep and scream out all the anger and betrayal that she had been feeling for the past two weeks that she could never seem to release before.
Feelings of betrayal were felt towards her adopted sister. Anger, so hot but cold was aimed towards her parents for not being there when she had needed them the most. But betrayal of it all and the feeling that she would never be able to forgive him for it, was aimed towards her best friend, Reran.
How dare he do that to me! She screamed, letting the feeling run through her entire body and engulf her soul. How dare he let them take me!
The scene flashed through her mind, too fast to even calculate.
Him standing in the street, just watching as she was dragged by those who they had both sworn to resist. Face unemotional and lax. Witnessing her being pulled and pushed down the muddy streets through town, as huge gashes in her legs were being opened up, and her screaming at them to leave her alone, did nothing to change his reaction on seeing her.
It was as if they had never met.
I just can’t take this anymore, she thought desperately, still shaking from crying. I’ve been in here longer than anyone should be made to endure.
“Hey, quiet down in there!” a rough voice said, as a hand banged on the door. “I’m trying to sleep!”
“Well, I’m trying to sleep too, but you morons didn’t give me a proper bed!” she snapped back, sitting up and glaring at the door.
“You shut your mouth, or I’ll have your head,” the guard threatened. She could hear his mail clinking as he walked away. Probably to his breakfast now, she decided.Although, he did just say he was trying to sleep…
Glancing out the window at the position of the sun, confirmed what she had previously thought. It was time for the guards to be awake, and for the town crier to come through ringing his bell.
Not the best time to get out of here, she thought, rubbing her eyes wearily.
“I wish Reran was here,” she muttered. “He always got me out of scrapes.”
Then she tightened her jaw. Reran didn’t and wouldn’t help you! You’re done with friends!
Her golden hair swayed back and forth as she shook her head in disappointment. That isn’t the way you talk about Reran, she scolded herself. You don’t know what was going on his head. You can’t judge him now.
Pushing every thought out of her head, she placed her hands on the muddy stone floor and pushed herself up, till she was standing. “Now, maybe I can get something done,” she said to herself, with a wry look on her face.
Wiping her muddy hand on her knee length skirt, she winced as the rough fabric tore at her wounded hand. Taking care to not touch her hand to the filthy stained walls, she dragged herself wearily over to the window on the east side of her cell, and looked out.
Except for a wide open space of open fields, the area outside of the village was dominated by a huge blackened forest. Almost shaking from fright at the sight of it, she pulled at the bars, and tried to see if they would move. They wouldn’t.
Her eyes narrowed and she sat down on her haunches not knowing what to do. I can’t go into the forest! They say he’ll cast a spell on me!
Rubbing her arms to get rid of the goose bumps that had suddenly appeared, she pulled out of her shirt a brown cord that had nothing on it. It gets cold in here, she thought, not wanting to admit how much the forest had actually frightened her. She fingered the tough leather, letting it run through and over her fingers.
Her Godmother had told her to never put anything on it until the proper time, and now a thought was nagging at her mind because of it.
Make sure Rona that you don’t let them see your shoulder when they come for you, her mother had whispered.
Her mother’s face had been deathly pale, and wet with sweat from the fever that had swept through town, taking out hundreds. They never saw my shoulder though, Rona thought.
Her purplish-blue eyes moved to her shoulder.
Moving the material covering it, she surveyed her thin shoulder. A blue-green and gold tattoo of a tree was on it. Or so that’s what she had been told what it was.
The hue of blue and green was dimmed by the brightness of the ball of fiery gold from within it.Glowing as bright as a firefly in summer the circle of light was so vivid, that Rona would never show it to anyone for fear of her secret, being betrayed.
Little good that has done me now, she thought bitterly. Now they know everything.
A faint whisper of wind whisked through her cell, and she looked up to see a small dog brushing up against the bars, its fur standing up on its back.
“Hey, little guy, “Rona whispered, edging up to the window. She stuck her hand out to touch it, but quickly jerked away. The teeth of the dog, bared for the entire world to see, were bright with dark crimson blood.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,843 Reviews
Shadow here
(Do keep in mind this is my first review >~<)
I have to say that this was an enjoyable read and will be going over to read the rest of it, I have one question though.
'Anger, so hot but cold was aimed towards her parents' the but in this sentence confused me. It was well written other than that, as this was the only thing that bothered me. If you can explain it to me it might help me get over it lol. Is she feeling the 'hot' anger at her sister, but a 'cold' anger towards her parents? This is the only thing I can critique and so apologize if it is simply me who is reading it in such an odd fashion XD.
Could it have been written as 'Anger, so hot that it was cold was aimed towards her parents'
Great work and keep it up
lol This is actually one of the best reviews I've seen for a first one. Soo it was well done.
It's much appreciated.
I will definitively fix up that nitpick of yours, and thank you so much for commenting on this!
Hi Therese!
Reading this, I don't think I can be much helping adding to things people haven't already covered. Just be a bit wary of having Rona and Reran as names, both beginning with a 'r' and being seemingly important characters.
Let me know when/if you post the next chapter! Hopefully I can be more help there :3
Deanie x
XD I thought about that, the characters names, and I think I will be changing them around a bit.
Thanks!
Hey Therese!
First time I'm ever reviewing one of your works, so this'll be fun!
*laughs evily*Slightly repetitive. Perhaps you could bind those two together? Or just leave it be, your choice.
(I'm not trying to spam this review with quoting, so forgive me if it looks like so.)
Now, let's look at these paragraphs. Your chapter starts off with dawn, spreading light across the village and the guards. Then we get to know about a beautiful girl who is speaking. In the next paragraphs you begin to talk about the sun again, and then back to the girl again.
You already told us about the girl, and described the sun once, so I'd suggest you to either cut out the first sentence in the 4th paragraph, and rewrite the second one (if you remove the first sentence, the second has to fit as a 'starter').
Or, you could cut out the 4th paragraph, and go straight to the dialogue. Then you'd be able to scatter the description of the girl from the 4th paragraph in the dialogue.
Example:
(+ adding the bars might be a good thing, since you showed us that she was locked up. Good job. ^^)
His face* I believe.
Now, I only got one to nitpick on, and that's how you write your sentences. I can see you tend to use a certain pattern: *text*, she *verb*.
Examples:
'her head, she placed her hands'
'suddenly appeared, she pulled out of her shirt'
Now, that's totally okay, I'm just reminding you to not overdo it, as it can be boring if you use it too much. So it's not really a nitpick.
Onto the good stuff...
MAGIC!
To me, the plot seems good, and I believe you know where you are going with this. You said it may be a bit plot-less, but I don't think ANYONE had a perfect plot at chapter one!
I'd always like a little bit longer chapter, but that's probably just because I want to read more. xD
Nice cliffhanger at the end, though! I wonder what the dog has done (it looks like it has killed someone, but who?!, and if it has something to do with Rona. And what's up with her shoulder?
Rona seems like she's trying to be brave, by holding back all her anger and betrayal, but she just can't do it. I can't wait to see more of her character and especially the magic. xD
Neat chapter, keep writing! :3
- Zontafer
Hey, thanks Zontafer! Yeah, I actually have nooo idea what is going with the dog, but kinda just threw it in cause I.. umm, no idea actually.. heheh, will probably just take it out later on.
But yeah, I have a sorta plot worked out, that I've been thinking about for 3 or 4 years and never got past the second chapter! This really helped and encouraged me, so thank you VERY much! 
Okay, you're welcome! ^^
Hi there!
Just a nitpick here:
I feel like this will work better if you use a semi-colon here instead of a period. It doesn't really fit into the flow of the first two paragraphs. And especially since this is happening in the same morning that the first paragraphs are, you'll want to keep that consistent.
So, I harp on people using ellipses all the time. It's become quite a habit of mine. Here you used an ellipsis in the wrong sense. Ellipsis in dialogue, or thoughts, means that the character is trailing off. But that's not the case here. It's a rather abrupt thought and it needs to end with a period.
This is a fairly good first chapter. There are quite a lot of typos here, but I know that you can find them easily when you edit through this chapter. Besides, I think everyone else pointed them out already.
I have to say, I'm impressed to see such character development in the first chapter. Usually that's the one thing that's missing because it's a little too early for us to start getting to know the characters. But your MC is already being developed well. I can almost feel the hurt and betrayal that is tearing at her heart. Keep it up!
Well, that's all I've gotta say for this review. Sorry that it's kind of lame >< I'll give a better review once the next chapter comes out, I promise
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Oh, thank you so much Noelle! Yeah, I wrote this chapter like three weeks ago, and then didn't even look at it to edit at all, before I posted, due to low battery. XD I'll run through and fix them all as soon as possible! Thank you sooo much for your comments and encouragement, and I'll definitely work on my use of the ellipsis.
Thank you!
So this is an intriguing start!
Personally, I find the exposition a little TOO ambiguous for my tastes. It gets the job done, and I can get the gist of what happened—Rona is or did something illegal, betrayed by friends, captured, magic exists. However, it also feels sort of like Rona is going “I can’t believe my friends did—but no! I cannot say what they actually did!” which got on my nerves fast.
It’s okay to give us a little more clarity or else just leave off most of the exposition and start with Rona escaping from her cell. We don’t necessarily need to know in so many words that her friends betrayed her, or why she’s imprisoned; just seeing that she’s captured, waiting to die, and has some weird secret even she doesn’t understand is more than enough.
Giving plot critique for just one, short chapter is kind of difficult because I’m not really sure where this is going yet. Based on the title and the weirdness with Rona’s shoulder, I’m guessing that Rona is going to turn out to be some kind of Chosen One-esque archetype? Maybe along the lines of a changeling or foundling of some sort. I don’t know, and I don’t feel like I have enough information to guess yet.
My instinct is to advise you to rework this chapter to focus more on Rona’s present/prospects for the immediate future, rather than how she got here. Like I said, we don’t need to know right away that her friends betrayed her, but we do need to know what’s going on. How long does Rona have until she’s released or executed? What can she do to escape? What’s she going to do now? What’s the deal with that dog? Her magical tree tattoo?
Basically, you want the chapter to move FORWARD, not just be a reflection on what led up to Rona being locked in a cell or Rona being indecisive and scared.
Ahh, I get what you're saying! So focus more on what is actually going on, at the moment, right? Rather than focusing on the past? Thanks for that. I'm absolutely horrible sometimes at keeping things moving forward, so I'll work on what you said. Thank you!
No problem.
I have that issue too sometimes, heh. Drop me a line when you post more of this, if you want.
I will! Thank you!
Hey, Cousin Therese!
Nitpicks!
You need a space in between your full stop and The. Also, I liked this description. It made me feel all cosy and warm.
Firstly, you need a space in between the full stop and "it". Secondly, this sentence could be a lot simpler, like so:
The guards stood at the bottom of the gate surrounding the village, their heads buried in their chests, fast sleep. It was deadly quiet.
Seeing as you put 'through the small window', I don't think you need "in it". It is necessary.
A comma is needed, I've just put it in
Two things. One: You don't need a comma after "words" as it disrupts the flow. Two: It should be "white, hot anger".
The wording of this is a little muddled. The action needs to be rearranged as I was thinking: She hit her face? Woah How'd she do that? Did she drop to her knees? Or did she just collapse in a heap and face plant the floor? So maybe I would put:
Her shoulders started to shake; she fell to the floor, hitting her face on the stone floor, and began to weep and scream out all the anger and betrayal that she had been feeling for the past two weeks that she could never seem to release before.
Maybe, instead of "and her screaming", why not put: as she screamed at them to leave her alone.
Instead of putting "Taking care to not touch her hand tot he filthy stained walls" (which needs a comma), why not put: Taking care to not touch the filthy, stained walls.
Praise and plot help!
Okay, so all through out this chapter, I was questioning one thing. What has she done wrong? Now, that's not a bad thing, in fact - it is good as it tells you that I want to read on and find out. I'm not sure if you've planned out what she did, but I had some ideas. I don't know what the world you have created is like. The genre is Action/Adventure, Fantasy, so it is quite an open topic that could absolutely go ANYWHERE. It really could.
There are so many creatures involved in Fantasy, and an idea popped up into my head. You could choose what creature (Ogre, Faeries, elves, dwarfs; ect), but I was thinking that you could set up a world in which the ogres/elves/dwarfs are slaves, and they have been for what? Decades? Centuries? A few years? And rules are applied. 1) You must not interfere with the Ogres/Dwarfs/elves. 2) You must not talk to an Ogre/Dwarf/Elf. 3) You must not help in anyway, as these creatures are a menace to society. Any of the rules broken, and you will be punished. Maybe the main character talks to one and that's why Reran wouldn't talk or help, for he is disappointed/would be classed as an apprentice and ruin his reputation.
Then, to lead the story on, however Rona escapes (finds piece of thin wire, unlocks door. Whatever) maybe then she knows that she will be in big trouble and decides to run away to the forest and far away. Maybe she sees the Ogre/Dwarf/Elf she hadn't tried to help/talked to and helps him/her escape. Then they could travel together beyond the forest.
I don't know what you were thinking for the Wizard, but I was thinking along the lines of a imaginary line/or border that splits of the village and the kingdom of ____ from the outside world. Maybe beyond that line is where all other mystical creatures live, such as Giants, Unicorns, Dragons; ect, then Elves, Dwarfs and Ogres, but only a minority as most are in slavery. You could have Rona leading an army of these creatures, all different types, fighting for freedom of the ones in slavery. (You can fill in the gaps).
Anyway... That's my idea. Hope it helped!
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Oh WOW. You are the best cousin EVER!!! Thank you soooo much!
I actually don't want any elves or dwarves in my story, as they seem rather overused, but I'm going to have some sort of magic user in here, and you have to read further on in order to know what that is! 
But what she has done wrong, is going to be answered later on, as it's something I'm trying to feed in slowly. Hmm, I might put in a couple of spots where it gives some hints though. Thanks!
XD I have a plot mostly worked out, but some of your ideas I might work into it a little .
Hehehe, whoopsy! I made it seem like she hit her face, LIKE WHAM!! Hit her face? oops. I SHALL fix that! Thanks a million Traunt!
*blushes* D'aww. Best cousin? You're so sweet!
hee hee. Can't wait to read on! TAG ME PLEEEASE!
Glad I helped, dear Cuz, glad I helped
Lol. BAM! I did know what you were trying to put, but at first I was a little shocked XD ouch.
hehe, I shall tag you! Thanks a million!
Yay! And you're welcome!
Hello, ThereseCricket. I joined the Pen and Sword thing, so I'm here for review week. Let's see what you've got!
Okay. Hmmm, you need a space after that period, Cricket.
"...their heads buried deep within their chest in sleep.It was deadly quiet."
You also need an apostrophe in "girls". Terrible mistake, almost fatal to my eyes. If you don't want me to die, fix it right now.
"Except for the quiet hum of a girls voice."
Again, you need a space after that dreaded period, along with some nitpick that just decided to show up. Does mail, plain white paper, really clink?
"She could hear his mail clinking as he walked away. Probably to his breakfast now, she decided.Although, he did just say he was trying to sleep…"
You need a comma before and after "Rona". That's the girl's name, isn't it?
"Make sure Rona that you don’t let them see your shoulder when they come for you, her mother had whispered."
Spacing is a very common error for you, I have noticed. Better to just fix it instead of letting it burn my eyes.
"The hue of blue and green was dimmed by the brightness of the ball of fiery gold from within it.Glowing as bright as a firefly in summer the circle of light was so vivid..."
Ooh, the ending was a cliffhanger, at least a good one. Nice job, Cricket! I think you should definitely keep on writing this, I really got captivated. You won't stop it, will you? If you do, that is uncalled form keep writing forever, Therese!
-wisegirl22
OMG, thanks for the review! XD Never noticed my "common" error till now. Thanks for pointing that spacing error out for me, hon!
Thank you sooo much! 
Hmm, what I had meant by the "mail clinking" is his shirt of mail was clinking, but I see that wasn't very clear. I'll be sure to straighten that out, in the future! Hehehe, I'll try to not stop with this, but I have three novels going!
Good grief! Such language!
YOU ARE HOPELESS R4!!!
Hehe.
don't mind him wisegirl. He's just slightly crazy is all.... XD